GamCare Logo

Error message

Notice: Undefined property: stdClass::$field_banner_image in gamcare_preprocess_page() (line 61 of /data/websites-live/www.gamcare.org.uk/public/sites/all/themes/gamcare/template.php).
Login / Register

My Recovery Diary

25 posts / 0 new
Last post
Posted by
Messages
#1 Posted on:
Tue, 05/09/2017 - 20:06

46 and out

Joined:
2017-08-08

Hi All

I have used this site a few times previously and had some short term success.

I am 46 and have gambled with bookmakers since I was 16, and before that on fruit machines. I have a relatively secure and well paid job and consider myself to be a fairly intelligent person apart from when it comes to gambling.  When I gamble I become obsessed and in those moments nothing else matters. Like many others my losses over the years are likely to be into the hundered of thousands of pounds (that feels crazy when admitting that in writing).

Three weeks ago after more repeated heavy losses racking up more credit card debts I realised I was completely out of control and being extremely selfish to my family and well on the road to making myself ill. I have had many heavy repeated losses over the years but my response was always to try harder to win it back, this time I am thankful that something seemed to click and instead I decided it was time to admit defeat. Looking back I would frequently gamble on football matches with teams I have never heard of, not evening knowing what country they played in. Travelling to work and travelling home from work my head would be permanently fixated on my phone waiting for markets to be suspended in the hope that a goal had been scored !!

I have a lovely wife and two wonderful children aged ten and six and have so many things to be grateful for in life. We have our ups and downs like everyone else but that's just life. For some time we have been keen to do some house improvements and have been thinking of re-mortgaging to buy a small holiday home but my actions were putting us deeper and deeper into debt and making those family targets more and more unachievable. 

I have had a number of urges to gamble over the last 3 weeks but so far I have resisted and whilst I know from experience that complacency can be very dangerous so far I feel much better about myself and I am spending much more time with my family and really enjoying it. I am so much more relaxed, no longer wound up and on pins all the time and have so much more patience with my children. I feel completely different after just three weeks and I am already starting to think about ways to improve my health and fitness which has sufferred badly over the years through eating far too much, I think as a way of punishing myself for losing so much money all of the time. 

My wife and I have agreed on a target timeline for the house improvements and the re-mortgage for the holiday home and I that is providing a real focus for me.  We have many debts to clear before that can become a reality.  I have not told my wife about how out of control things had become and whilst many are likely to advise that I should, for now I intend to use this site as my support mechanism. 

I have been reading posts on this forum most days and I find it really helps. On the day when I turned to this site again three weeks ago the best bit of advice that has worked so well for me was to change my broadband settings to prevent any device in the house accessing gambling related sites.  Whilst I know that I have the ability to amend those settings it has put an extra level in place before opening up a gambling site and checking out the odds and getting my brain racing again with gambling thoughts.

It is very early days and there is likely to be lots more to share over the coming weeks and months if I can keep this going, but so far so good.

Have a good day everyone

46 and out.

Posted on:
Tue, 05/09/2017 - 20:32

46 and out

Joined:
2017-08-08

I posted the above post on the new members intro forum on my Day 21 of not gambling.  I have moved it to here as I feel I am now ready to start a diary.  Today is day 27 GF.

The urges to gamble generally seem to be reducing as I focus on much more productive things to do with my time and my life. However, Sunday was quite testing as I applied for a loan to cover one of my credit cards debts because the monthly amount I am currently able to pay off it mean most of the payment is swallowed up in interest. I wasn't automatically accepted for the loan and it really threw me off balance and wound me up and I felt wierd all day. I have always struggled to let things go and tend to worry about and over think most things in life. It got me down and with my personality the way it is, I kept going over it in my mind time and again throughout the day.  Such feelings would previously result in me turning to gambing to 'free my mind' from how I was feeling as I know when I am gambling all my worries and concerns are forgotten and my sole focus is the challenge of beating the system and proving to myself and I am clever enough to benefit financially through gambling. Once I had lost all my money I would then worry more about covering up the loss and that new worry would still help me shut out my other worries. I hope that makes some sort of sense?

I am quite proud that I chose not to gamble and the negative thoughts about the loan application have passed and the next day I realised I was no worse off than I was before I made the application. Today the bank sent me a text to say they have now agreed the loan in principle and subject to signing a credit agreement and providing any documentation they have requested I will be accepted. I am being cautious as I didn't decalre all of my outgoings so subject to what documentation they have requested the application may get rejected afterall.

The lesson I take from this is that when I am worried about things and feel off balance, I have proven to myself that I don't need to gamble to get through it.   

Best wishes everyone

46 and out

Posted on:
Tue, 05/09/2017 - 20:38

Smashed

Joined:
2017-08-13

Its hard to stop, just over 2 weeks and I want to go back to where I thought £1 spins on roulette, and 20p slot spins were fun, but I went passed that to spins on roulette that in my head now I think " Did I really spin that much money on a single spin, a spin that could of outright paid for an all inclusive holiday for  2 weeks in Tenerife " its really mad when your in that zone. When your out of it with your eyes wide open and think why is there 7 bookmakers on my high street or why is there so many online casinos trying to give me all this, they want the next £10 a week man to lose it and have lost 2k in 5 mins, that is where the big profit is, the CG even if he wins and withdraws, he will be back and we will be waiting. Because without the CG the £10 a week man would not keep these casinos alive, its the truth the CG wants the big hits and watches YouTube and goes chasing it himself and we all know how 99% of the stories end. Not 46 and out. 46 walking to the crease and will do this.

Posted on:
Sat, 09/09/2017 - 09:05

46 and out

Joined:
2017-08-08

Yesterday was 31 days GF.  4 weeks, a full month, quite proud of myself but must not become complacent.  I feel much more in control of my life and feel much more positive about everything :-)

Yesterday my wife asked me if we had enough money so she could buy a winter coat for over £100.  It got me thinking how I would have handled that over 31 days ago, probably something like this:-

"You've got to be kidding, you know we are skint and have just spent loads on the weekend away we had a few weeks ago.  You've got loads of coats in your wardrobe, can't you make one of them last another year.  It's been even longer since I've had a new coat".  

No doubt making her feel quite guilty for asking for something that she believes she needs, otherwise I know she wouldn't have asked. I responded something like this yesterday:-

"Of course, if you need a new one that's fine.  Just be aware that we will be quite short next month because you worked part time over the summer holidays so next months income will be lower than normal.  We have enough for all bills and essential but not for much more. It will probably take us a little longer to clear our debts but no problem, go for it you deserve it"

Tells myself a story as to how selfish I have been for so long !!!

Today I will not gamble so today I will win and I will feel better for it.

Have a great day everyone

46 and out

Posted on:
Tue, 12/09/2017 - 16:06

Smashed

Joined:
2017-08-13

Your doing well 46 and Out, were more or less on the same timeline as far as gamble free days go. Keep it up. I'll keep looking out for you.

Posted on:
Sat, 16/09/2017 - 13:26

46 and out

Joined:
2017-08-08

Thanks Smashed, hope you are well?

Today I am 38 days GF.  It was payday yesterday and I went out for a drink with loads of my mates.  I got quite drunk, spent plenty and had a great time.  I feel like I passed a test.  I didn't gamble earlier on in the day to try and win a 'free night out' !! Nor did I try and 'win back' what I had spent once we had wrapped up and I was quite smashed ;-)   Yesterday was the first time I have been drunk since I became gamble free.  Today the missus has taken the kids out for a treat with money we could afford because I didn't have a big 'payday blowout' and I am now off to do something productive (rather than self-destructive) by doing some work in the garden.  

Have a great weekend everyone.

46 and out

Posted on:
Tue, 19/09/2017 - 04:37

Smashed

Joined:
2017-08-13

Hi 46 an out

Thanks for posting on my diary and checking in, you must have a sixth sense as Gambling was sniffing about.

Hope your recovery is going good, and your garden is prepped up for Autumn.

Thanks Again.

Posted on:
Tue, 26/09/2017 - 19:11

Smashed

Joined:
2017-08-13

Hey 46 and out, just checking your still GF.

Posted on:
Tue, 26/09/2017 - 20:07

Mixer

Joined:
2016-12-03

46 and out ... here's hoping, looking at your GF total today, you're 46 and not out :) 

All the best.

Posted on:
Wed, 27/09/2017 - 00:36

46 and out

Joined:
2017-08-08

Hi Smashed / Mixer

Thanks so much for your comments.  I am still GF :-)   Today is day 49 - my last bet was on a Tuesday, the day I had my lightbulb moment and decided to try and call it a day on my gambling 'career'. Long may it continue.

I am feeling much better in myself but I had a bit of spare cash and some spare time this week.  I had a few urges but managed to fend them off and used my spare cash to buy a few early Xmas presents instead.

I must remember that I can't afford to get complacent and I can't win because I can't stop - so why bother and just accept defeat and accept that I will be paying off the debts I have accrued for a long time, but not as long tomorrow as today.

Looking back I wonder how I managed to find so much time to gamble !!

Have a great day everyone

46 and out

Posted on:
Sat, 30/09/2017 - 15:15

46 and out

Joined:
2017-08-08

Day 52 GF :-)     I have been up since 7am and was out early to buy materials for some work that is required on the house. Then straight into the garden to finish off the weeding (in the rain !!). Then a tip run, then a trip into town to pick up some bargain toys I ordered on line last night to put away for xmas. Lunch somewhere in between.  It was 2:55 before I even remembered there were premier league fixtures today and I hadn't even realised there was a lunchtime game.  Things must be improving :-)

Have a great gamble free day everyone, best wishes

46 and out

Posted on:
Sun, 08/10/2017 - 03:51

4D

Joined:
2010-02-10

Hey 46, thanks for your post on my diary, by my reckoning you are on day 60 about now?? Well done if this is the case! You say up above that you have changed your broadband settings to prevent gambling related sites, I am going to look into this as another barrier now :)

Posted on:
Mon, 09/10/2017 - 08:11

Smashed

Joined:
2017-08-13

Just checking in 46AO, hope your all good and living the GF life.

Posted on:
Fri, 13/10/2017 - 23:31

46 and out

Joined:
2017-08-08

Hi Smashed, yes still gamble free and enjoying life.  65 days GF for me today. 

Payday today, no urges, made some payments to reduce my credit card balances and plucked up the courage to look at my detailed credit score report for the first time.  My rating is Poor and it makes pretty grim reading but I am determined to clear some debts each month, improve my credit rating and then all things being equal apply for a re-mortgage in a couple of years to extend the house, which is something the wife has been wanting since we moved house a few years ago. That target is really helping me keep focused and gives me something to work  towards and strive for.

46 and out

Posted on:
Sat, 14/10/2017 - 07:00

Smashed

Joined:
2017-08-13

Hi 46 and out

Yeah I'm only 4 days behind you so next big one for us is the 100 Club.

You will do up your house, stay focused.

Posted on:
Fri, 20/10/2017 - 15:19

46 and out

Joined:
2017-08-08

Yesterday was 70 days GF for me - 10 full weeks.  What a difference I feel in myself.  Still got significant debts to contend with but they are going in the right direction and have been for the last couple of months.  A long hard slog ahead but I can just start to see a slight glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel.  Have a great GF day everyone...

46 and out

Posted on:
Sat, 28/10/2017 - 16:12

46 and out

Joined:
2017-08-08

Day 79 gamble free. I've had a few gambling thoughts today so I have come on to the forum to read back through my diary. I need to keep busy today to keep my mind off gambling.  Have a great day everyone.  46 and out

Posted on:
Fri, 03/11/2017 - 11:46

46 and out

Joined:
2017-08-08

Day 85 GF.  I had a really disturbed sleep last night, I couldn't break a dream of being back gambling again. I was so anxious and annoyed that I had let myself and my family down at a time when I thought I was making so much progress. What a huge relief when I woke up and I was able to work out it was just a dream (nightmare !!) and that I remain gamble free.  A stark reminder to me of how I will feel if I start gambling again and the damage I will do.  I remain determined to beat this addiction and not let it take hold of me ever again.  ODAAT.   Have a great, positive and gamble free day everyone.

46 and out

Posted on:
Fri, 03/11/2017 - 17:14

Smashed

Joined:
2017-08-13

I think we always will have dreams and thoughts of Gambling, especially if youve done it for such a long long time from 5p JPM fruit machines to ridiculous online losses, and that addictive mind does not want us to forget, and will even let us dream of massive wins and try and tempt us back in by any means neccesary. But 46 we are getting close to 100 road man its visible its this month. Stay Strong 46.

Posted on:
Thu, 16/11/2017 - 09:44

Smashed

Joined:
2017-08-13

You made it to three figures. 100 days free of stupid Gambling Addiction. Well done 46 and out, right behing you.

Posted on:
Sat, 18/11/2017 - 21:36

Slot Fool

Joined:
2017-09-20

Hi 46 and out, congratulations on your 100 days

Posted on:
Sat, 18/11/2017 - 21:51

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

100 days - whoop, whoop! Well done!! x

Posted on:
Mon, 11/12/2017 - 15:42

Smashed

Joined:
2017-08-13

Hope your all good 46 haven't seen you about for a bit, need to check in. :-)

Posted on:
Mon, 11/12/2017 - 20:32

46 and out

Joined:
2017-08-08

Hi Slot fool and Little Miss lost, thanks for your kind words, I really do appreciate them.

Hi Smashed, I'm still around and still GF.  Thanks for your post and for looking out for me.  Hope you are well?

I have had a busy few weeks and whilst I have been around a little reading a few diaries I have neglected my own.

It's been an expensive few weeks leading up to Xmas and as a result its put me back a month or two in terms of my target date for clearing my many debts.  I have had a few fleeting thoughts to gamble to recover my debt position but I have quickly put them to bed and moved on.  It has been nice to spend on Xmas and whilst I have felt a little guilty from a debt perspective I have not resented it like I would have done in the past in terms of it could have been used as gambling tokens to feed my addiction.

I have also noticed that my highs and lows are not as high or low (!!) as they used to be.  Life feels slightly more balanced and I am a little more at ease with myself.  I am still a worrier and I still get low quite quickly and dwell on the negives but not as low and not as frequently as previously - I seem to be able to snap out of it quicker and handle it better.  I hope this continues in the right direction as my gamble free life continues.

Sorry for rambling on a little, its sometimes good to 'get it out there' without over thinking it too much.

Have a great day everyone.

46 and Out

Posted on:
Sat, 16/12/2017 - 19:40

46 and out

Joined:
2017-08-08

Hi All. Still gamble free.  Had a great day delivering xmas cards for the Scouts / Cubs post service. More to deliver tomorrow with the kids.  Looking forward to it, seems to compliment my OCD tendancies putting all the street numbers and names in order !!  Makes me think I may like to be a part-time postman one day if my full time job ever comes to an end for any reason.  Perhaps if I make it to 60 in my current job and I retire.  Wishing my life away lol.   Head is clear, gambling thoughts under control but I must not get complacent.  Xmas is getting really expensive, must not gamble to ease the burden, those thoughts always turn into self destruction.   Have a great evening everyone.   46 and Out.