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Posted on:
Mon, 07/08/2017 - 10:50

Proudarab

Joined:
2016-10-18

Thanks for the kind comments and as you all say,  the cost of the repairs is nothing compared to what I would have blown on gambling in the space of the last month.

My wife is going away camping for 3 nights with the kids tomorrow, I don't get as many holidays so I have to work and miss out on all the fun of sleeping on the ground in the wind and rain.  They did this last year and I remember thinking last year this would give me 3 nights of peace and quiet to win thousands of pounds,  by the time they got back I was at all of the limits on my credit cards and almost at rock bottom.  Obviously it took  another couple of months gambling with other peoples money before I really did get to the bottom.

One year on and I'm looking forward to 3 nights of peace and quiet to do a few things round the house, eat what I want, put my feet up, watch TV and basically do not very much at all.  Probably better cut the grass I guess.  Amazing to think it was only 12 months ago, feels a lot longer.

Great to hear from you Danny, and glad to hear we're both going in the same direction.  All is well with me.  My wife is obviously still hurting a bit but we're working hard at things and as long as I never gamble again hopefully all will work out.

I'm wondering if we support the same team?  I was in Inverness on Saturday to watch my team win and looking forward to the derby on Wednesday night.... fingers crossed!!  

Posted on:
Sun, 13/08/2017 - 14:43

Proudarab

Joined:
2016-10-18

Day 276,

Having a rubbish day today.  My son appears to have developed a nervous tic and he was getting teased about it this morning at his football match.  He got quite upset and I really didn't know how to deal with it.  I'm not really sure how it has developed either and I worry it's because of my behaviour and not really paying him much attention for almost 7 or 8 years cos I preferred gambling to my own kids.

Anyway he got upset, a few big cuddles and reassurance from his mum and he's in good spirits again.  But I now feel like **** cos I didn't know how to react.  It's really weird but I have a real feeling like life is going on around me and I'm not really part of it.  I'm still here in the house but it's like nobody notices me.  The low self esteem really kicking in again.  Hate this feeling.  

Stopping gambling was quite easy for me,  it's the dealing with myself I'm finding a lot more difficult.  I think I expect too much of myself.

Anyway, Monday tomorrow and I can go back to the boredom of sitting at a desk trying to motivate myself.

 

Posted on:
Tue, 15/08/2017 - 09:31

Proudarab

Joined:
2016-10-18

278 days since I last gambled.

I was looking back through old posts on a debt management forum and this time last year I was asking all sorts of bizarre questions on that forum of how to get out of debt.  Stuff like remortgaging the house and if I could actually do this or that without my wife knowing.  I was at the point of no return I guess, totally up to my neck in £60k of debt spread over 7 credit cards, totally maxed out on them all.  

But I was still trying to find £10 or £20 so I could start the road to winning it all back.  I was following all these social media tipsters who are all experts that claim never to lose a bet.  I find it hard to believe I was that person, or am that person. 

It's maybe not the best idea to keep looking back, however every now and again doesn't do any harm.  Makes you realise how crazy your behaviour was and how you can't go back to that place.  The debt is obviously still there but it's now manageable, and most importantly, it's not a secret.

Hope everyone is having a good morning.

PA. x

Posted on:
Tue, 22/08/2017 - 09:21

Proudarab

Joined:
2016-10-18

Day 285......

Bored.  Really struggling to get motivated to do anything.  Keep feeling like everyone else is better than I am.

Friends buying new cars, moving into new homes, going on holidays every other week, things that I won't be able to do for me and my family all because of the financial position I now find myself in because of gambling.  I hate it.  I feel so sorry for my poor wife and kids.  

No matter how often I say to myself that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, it is just so far into the future.  Hate my job but so scared to change.  It's a relatively safe job I'm in so need the security to pay off my debts forever more.  My wife would like to apply for a new job but she's not sure what to do, I'm fairly sure I know why even if she won't say.  Everything in the house seems to break down, cars won't run forever but how will we replace,  trying to save money but there's always something.

I ******* hate myself for letting things get to the point they did!! 

Posted on:
Tue, 22/08/2017 - 17:35

cardhue

Joined:
2013-01-18

It seems like you're really caught up in a (brutal) world of judgements. Everywhere you look you are reflecting back on yourself.

I get the sense that it's the comparisons that are causing you pain, rather than the actuality of your situation. You have a good life. But these judgements are starting to have real bite and become like facts.

Worse, they are stopping you from doing what is important in your life.

Nothing wrong with that, in the sense that we as humans are highly prone to this type of behaviour.

But it's not helpful. X might have a new car. But this does not mean X is happy or better than you. It just means that X has a new car. People have always got stuff going on they keep hidden.

If you're going to judge against them, you have to be fair and judge against the billions in 3rd world countries who live in poverty and severe physical pain. But I'm not advising you do this as you'll waste a whole lot of life judging. Judging is ultimately futile.

You can make a conscious decision to reduce the judging - or to disentangle from the pain of it. You can notice you are doing it, real time, and say to yourself 'oh I'm judging again', stop doing this and then refocus on whatever it is you're doing. You'll to keep doing this. But so be it. It will become second nature.

It works the other way btw. When things go well no need to bask in glory. Just do what matters.

Do something different - pursue an interest, make something for the kids - devise a treasure hunt, try hard to do a really good impersonation of someone and try ot out on your fam, cook an adventurous dish. When you're mind says you can't for X reason - notice that but do it anyway.

This is a mental discipline which will reduce suffering. It's basically mindfulness.

Best wishes

Louis

Posted on:
Thu, 07/09/2017 - 14:49

Proudarab

Joined:
2016-10-18

 

300 days gamble free!!  Longest period of non gambling in 30 years.

Not going to celebrate, will wait until I reach the magical 365 number,  the number of a company which almost cost me everything.

Hope you are all well x x x

 

Posted on:
Thu, 07/09/2017 - 15:33

Smashed

Joined:
2017-08-13

Really great diary PA, it definately helps others. Dont worry about material things others have they mean nothing. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hbNoh1bepWQ

Posted on:
Thu, 07/09/2017 - 20:36

degenerate

Joined:
2013-05-10

Congratulations, reaching 300 days is amazing. I am sure you will make the epic achievement of a full year.

I hope to get there myself. I have just read most of your diary entries and feel inspired to get there. Dont be too hard on yourself you are doing very well.

Posted on:
Thu, 14/09/2017 - 09:23

Proudarab

Joined:
2016-10-18

Morning all,

308 days for me and the it's my wife's birthday today.

She's 41 today.  This time last year it was her 40th, one of the biggest days of her life and I was in the darkest of places.  I remember scrimping around for any cash balances that I had left on my credit cards and buying her not very much.  I'm sure she was dissappointed as she had spent a fortune on me a couple of years before.  She never complained though.  I was devastated because I couldn't afford very much.  Most folk would think a bit strange for a bloke on a decent wage.  But as all you compulsive gamblers know the £60k in hidden debt makes things a bit more difficult.

She had always wanted to walk over the Forth Road Bridge and decided she would like to mark her 40th birthday by doing this.  We were going to Florida a fortnight later with the kids so this was the main part of the celebrations.  I wanted to try and forget everything and concentrate on having a happy day.  I think we did.  I hid my issues well.  Unfotunately my lasting memory of that day will be was walking over that bridge and my wife pointing out all of the signs that had a phone number for The Samaritans.  She said it was awful that people got to the point of having to walk up on to the bridge before seeking help.  Little did she know some of the thoughts that had gone through my head in the weeks and months before.

The scary thing for me though is that today should really be day 365.  I went another 57 days gambling the few pennies I had left.  Looking back you would think that day would have been my rock bottom.  Just shows what gambling can do to you.

This morning I was up at 5.30am and cooked the family breakfast,  we don't go big on presents, however today I could afford what I bought.  And I will remember the smile on everyone's faces when I left for work and look forward to seeing those smiles again tonight as we stuff our faces with birthday cake :-)  I've been very lucky.

Hope you all have a nice day x

 

 

Posted on:
Thu, 14/09/2017 - 16:31

Skyblueblue

Joined:
2016-10-06

Smiling like a Chesire Cat while reading this PA. Its been a long year for us both, but a good one which got better with each day that passed gamble free. You joined at the same time as me and I remember your early turmoil about coming clean, and the fear of losing your family.

Its all about recognising what is important and recognising what you want. 

Happy Birthday to your good lady...savour the moment and keep aiming higher !

Sbb

Posted on:
Thu, 26/10/2017 - 10:24

Proudarab

Joined:
2016-10-18

350 days gamble free... can't believe I haven't had a bet in almost a year.

My longest period without a bet in over 30 years.  This time last year my whole world was crumbling around me.

Hope everyone is well.  PA x

 

Posted on:
Fri, 10/11/2017 - 09:09

Proudarab

Joined:
2016-10-18

 

365 days = 1 year.  No gambling!!

I did it :-)

Posted on:
Fri, 10/11/2017 - 12:32

Forum admin

Joined:
2010-11-01

well dne Proudarab! That's a fantastic milestone! Keep posting, keep us updated!

Deirdre

Forum Admin

Posted on:
Fri, 10/11/2017 - 13:19

Cynical wife

Joined:
2015-06-23

Congratulations on the milestone, wish you many more.

CW 

Posted on:
Fri, 10/11/2017 - 23:58

Abstainer

Joined:
2017-05-10

Congratulations Proudarab on One Year Gamble Free. Great respect for your achievement.

Posted on:
Sat, 11/11/2017 - 22:50

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Congratulations!!!! what a difference a year makes,fantastic achievement.
Onward and upwards x

Posted on:
Mon, 13/11/2017 - 07:35

paulds

Joined:
2012-01-13

Well done on the year PA,

The harsh reality is that few CGs make it that long so well done for all your hard work . As you say your longest gamble free period for decades. I have been catching up with your diary and relate to what you say about boredom and still having the debt impact on your ability to finance that big purchase. 

I can also see how far you have come, you seem like a different person with a different set of goals and priorities. Keep it up, one day a time is the only way, I also have regrets but there isn't anyway to change what happened in the past. But you can shape your future and that is what you are doing every single day.

Paulds 

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