GamCare Logo
1239 posts / 0 new
Last post
Posted on:
Tue, 09/01/2018 - 06:11

ODAAT

Joined:
2014-11-10

Last night I was howling with grief...I woke the dog up, I woke the NM up, hell, if I weren’t in a Cornish village in the middle of winter, I would have probably had the emergency services knocking on the door.  2 nights prior to that, I’d ‘woken’ from some sort of a fever induced nap feeling like I was in a swimming pool.  Not only was I drenched head to toe but when I’d finally found something alternative to wear, I couldn’t find a dry space in the bed but I was so exhausted, I was forced to climb back into the puddle I had created.  I hoped against hope that ‘sweating’ out whatever it was had been left in the office just before Christmas would send me off to the land of nod but no, the same 3-5 second clips of work garbage & “quiero dormir” discussions were back on loop like my brain was stuck!  Sleep claimed me about 0400 as I knew it would & there I stayed until I was awoken for some fresh air @ midday!  This was my 5th, maybe 6th night of no night sleep.  The day after that, my cold/flu, whatever it is had clearly broken, I’d had plenty of fresh air, good food & still couldn’t sleep.  Had a momentary glimpse of sweating something out but not on the same scale & morning light did it’s thing.

Following that, I dragged myself up @ midday, stayed out in the fresh air for 2 hours, read instead of sleeping in the afternoon when I was exhausted, watched telly, sat up colouring until bedtime & boom nothing.  I know that crying when I’m feeling “under the weather” is really bad but the grief was washing over me like tidal waves.  The nicer the NM was, the more bereft I became & loud, wracking sobs ripped through me.  I could have gone next door before they came & done them into a pillow but I needed someone sane to tell me I wasn’t mad?!?  I felt mad, breathless & frustrated & these crazy clips still going on over & over & over like a jammed record player & all I can think of is how can it have felt like such a short time ago when I was @ home noticing that my mind was still & that if I had been 30 years younger, I would have been screaming for my Mum like I was the 1st & only time I have ever had flu.  I don’t know where she was but I ended up calling ‘my dad’ I was that far gone!

At 0630, after about 30 controlled breaths (usually only manage 3 & the fight or flight resolves itself) I got up & took the dog out for a walk.  I felt calm, he was happy & yet, it was still a considerable time later before sleep claimed me.

Today, I’ve done nothing, a big fat zero, apart from get out of bed for an hour to go for food...I deserve to feel **** because I’ve bought it on myself but I really really need just a few hours where I feel human.  A few hours where I want to be awake & go for a walk or do something, anything...I want drugs.  I’ve never touched them in my life.  I have paracetamol & ibuprofen for whatever this thing is that won’t leave me but they’re not sleeping tablets so there’s no point taking them.  I want the peace & calm of sleep to stop the tears rolling down my face making my headache worse, I want to close my eyes & my brain to stop whirring, playing pointless clips of nonsense over & over & over again.  I’m pretty sure I must be depressed, only I have nothing to be depressed about & this time it feels like when I go to the doctor, I’m not gonna ask for help to stop sleeping but refuse to take drugs, this time I’m going to go in there & beg on my hands & knees for him to stop this!  How can a 12 Step program, stop the nights being so painful?   How can I work a 12 Step program when I can’t find a sponsor?  Why do I even need a sponsor?  Surely doing something on my own is better than nothing?  What is talking going to solve anyway?  I have NOTHING to complain about & yet, for the 1st time in my life, I really can’t cope.  

I had a text this morning:

“I didn’t realise how sick I was until I got abstinent!”

Am I sick or just a spoiled little brat who can’t cope when I don’t get what I want, even if I don’t know what that is?  Does jacking in contraception after years of constant use have anything to do with this?  Why do I feel like I’m the calmest person in the world 1 second & unable to contain my emotions @ night.  When did night become my enemy?  Does it really have anything to do with not being able to share a bed...In which case, would I be ok now if it were a double like the spare @ home.

It’s 02.29 Saturday 06.01.2018 & although I’m not exactly thrilled to be lying in the spare room awake, @ least I’m not beside myself anymore.  Is this starting my ‘second year’ of recovery all over again because I was a dolt & wanted to do things my way?  Is this a symptom of not being able (well, I could pay for an incredibly slow internet connection but why waste money) to get online which could still be my go to addiction?  I have zero inclination to gamble, it never was my go to vice for sad times (& in any case, this was my safe time for all those years) & although I am happily suggesting I will take drugs, I’ve had plenty of time to get to the Chemist & do something about it but I know that’s not the answer.  Whether I accept it or not, the evidence points to gambling having done this to me & I need to find a solution because I can’t remember the last day when I didn’t feel like a Zombie & I don’t want life to pass me by anymore.  

So Friday night/Saturday morning angst ended about 0900 hours & I stayed in the pit until early afternoon again then hit the beach before cutting the trip short & getting back to the sanctuary of my own bed.  No sleep Saturday night either but calm was restored miraculously restored Sunday & I managed what has become in my world a fairly normal day.  No sleep Sunday night but I didn’t really mind because I was on earlies yesterday & just knew that the second I hit my pit after work I’d be out light a light...Didn’t happen & so this morning I sit wearily on the 0530 contemplating life again.  

One of our recent group posts was: One of the hardest decisions you’ll ever face in life is choosing whether to try harder...Or just turn & walk away!  

I’m still hoping for an easy way out of this & am reminded time & time again it’s not going to come...I don’t like it but I accept it & I’m not giving up!

Posted on:
Tue, 09/01/2018 - 06:39

volcano

Joined:
2010-07-05

You’ve got a superb way with articulating your thoughts in a colourful way. 

Physche talk doesn’t sit comfortable with me, but my take on the above is that your breaking through to another realisation and the safety valve has blown. 

That hard decision you mention above whether to try harder .... or just turn and walk a way is something we all go through, I’ve read it in my posts and read it in others and also had that over whelming child like feelings that ‘ it’s not fair and I can’t do this ‘ . Battling them emotions and thoughts you’ve colourfully explained above obviously wouldn’t of helped with the flu like symptoms and insomnia, enough to send any one nuts, but as I wrote that maybe there all connected and your pushing through another brick. It’s been said many times that this isn’t easy, which is more intangible than given credit for as abstinence is the key we’re told, but is it or is a torch to help you towards re(dis)covery.

A little random psyche post there Odaat but I wish you zzz and I know steady calm waters are a head of of you . 

Posted on:
Tue, 09/01/2018 - 08:17

Cynical wife

Joined:
2015-06-23

Hi, ODAAT,

I’m really sorry to hear that you’re having such a bad time of it.

There is such a thing as crying because there’s something real to cry about? I think we’re about the same age and I don’t like any hormone related suggestions, (especially from Himself), but it might be prudent to check the physical side? And flu’s always vicious. It passes, but while it lasts...And codependency has had me in a bad way...that one needs addressing, it won’t go away. And you work shifts less than locally, that generates its own pressure? 

Re sponsor, I share your pain, I’m still looking for one. There’s a dearth of experienced women who have worked the program, maybe more in CoDA but not met one yet. I believe that it’s easier in the US although that doesn’t help here. Do you go to meetings in London? There’s a wider choice of meetings and a wider pool of potential sponsors. Yes, you do need one, for the same reason that no one can be their own HP without their ego thinking that it’s their job to run the universe. It’s not possible to self sponsor because sponsorship involves that external perspective. 

Before I started meetings, I ordered a lot of CoDA literature on line and I read it regularly, it helps.  And I’ve done a lot of other reading round the subject, Melody Beattie? Or Pia Mellody? I bought second hand copies on line? For which I get that you need an internet connection...

One suggestion that I’ve read re therapy is to find a former addict with suitable qualifications? My therapist wasn’t and there was an element of imbalance, with her wisdom being dispensed to me from on high? Equality is better.

Wish you serenity sooner rather than later.

CW

Posted on:
Tue, 09/01/2018 - 10:15

Stephen The Strong

Joined:
2017-05-10

Saddened to read you have not been feeling well ODAAT. My thoughts are with you and hope you soon feel better ...stephen x

Posted on:
Tue, 09/01/2018 - 12:50

Equinox

Joined:
2017-10-18

Hi ODAAT - I'm really sorry to read that you've been through a nightmare of a time. Such a terrible start to 2018.

I understand what you mean when you say that sleep has become an enemy.  

About 2 years I started to suffer insomnia and night terrors, like panic attacks where I'd dread going to bed. The problem seemed to arrive from nowhere and it was hard for me track the reasons behind it.  On the surface, my life was all good - so these anxieties would make me feel like some dissatisfied brat who must be looking for something to worry about. My doctor did put me on sleeping tablets (which I was really grateful for - and still take twice a week) and offered anti-anxiety / antidepressants  - but I said no to these because I wanted to try to tackle the problem without taking any mood altering medication. 

It sounds naff - but I find a huge comfort in the Headspace app. Mindfulness is everywhere at moment and it feels naff to even mention it, but it's worked much more for me than therapy. A monthly subscription costs just a few pounds.

I find it similar to the idea of having a sponsor - because the app allows me instant access to a calming voice that will try to guide me away from all the draining and pointless thoughts that can clog up my head. I've come to realise that my thoughts are my worst enemy - when I want to gamble, it's a thought, when I feel anxious or negative, it'll be framed as a thought -  so anything that helps to quieten them, I'm really grateful for. 

I'm sorry I can't be of more help - as you've been such a massive help to me in my gambling struggles. 

I hope today is a better day for you and you get a better sleep after work.

Take care

Equinox

 

 

 

Posted on:
Tue, 09/01/2018 - 15:30

ODAAT

Joined:
2014-11-10

That’s an interesting take on it V, my safety valve has blown!  It even makes complete sense which is nothing short of a miracle for something you have penned ;-)

 

I did wonder about the hormones CW, especially having just abandoned The Pill for more natural forms of contraceptive (abstaining...I’m a huge fan, NM, not so much) but with calm being restored I’m dubious about wasting more of the Dr’s time.  I’m planning a last ditch attempt @ an afternoon nap (which don’t evade me as a rule) & will be seeking solace in a bottle of Night Nurse in the wee small hours should I fail.  I did a little ‘see how poorly I am’ demo for the pharmacist to ease my conscience as I guiltily handed over my card, fairly safe in the knowledge that I won’t be abusing it since I’ve tasted better flavours of washing up liquid but still a little dubious about my rationale.

 

I’ve been appalling at attending meetings because & not limited to, the ones near me are all therapy only...I don’t do freestyling very well @ all & if I have questions, I want them answered even if it’s just speculatively.  Never thought about giving CoDA ones a chance & I can’t bear the thought of being in London any longer than I need to be but accepting now that I may need to broaden my horizons.  I struggle with literature having advanced from Enid Blyton directly to Mills & Boon but will be re-ordering Russell Brand & not lending it out before I’ve tackled it but again, it’s theory.  To hear me talk you’d be forgiven for thinking I was an Olympic athlete so I’m very keen to put some action to my very many words /excuses!  

 

Stephen, thanks for your well wishes.

 

Equinox, my good friend LB recommended that App yonks ago & I have downloaded it but only done the 1st exercise.  It’s not remotely naff & when people get as sick as we are, we’d be daft not to explore any potential safe avenues of release so never fear making suggestions...People can choose not to hear like “we” do with so much stuff that gets posted.  Help is what we make of it so just knowing that you are here, sharing your stories & supporting me means no apology is ever necessary!

 

Duncs, Dan...As always in your debt!

 

Joan & Markman, sorry I haven’t dropped by...You are both very much in my thoughts & I will be visiting your diaries over the next few days to pay homage.

 

Posted on:
Tue, 09/01/2018 - 19:19

Dean888

Joined:
2018-01-09

Hope you feel better soon kelly x

Posted on:
Tue, 09/01/2018 - 19:40

RSmith39

Joined:
2017-12-24

 

 

Hope you feel better soon too ... just wanted to say i’ve found your diary an inspiration .. you have a great way with language, are so open with your feelings ... a great example to all that life might not always be a bed of roses, but gambling isn’t the answer. Richard x

 

Posted on:
Tue, 09/01/2018 - 22:01

Mixer

Joined:
2016-12-03

Hi ODAAT - thank you for the post on the Chatroom Thread just now.

I declare it the shortest post on the Gamcare forums - ever :) !

I wish you well, as always :)

Mixer 

Posted on:
Tue, 09/01/2018 - 22:13

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Sorry to hear you've been having a rough time of it.
All good wishes to finding good health, peace and happiness x

Posted on:
Tue, 09/01/2018 - 23:29

judy

Joined:
2012-07-23

Hey Kelly,

Noooo pressure to write. I am thinking of you and willing you that much deserved peace of mind.Some emotions/ feelings (don't really like saying the word "feelings" how up tight am I? But, I digress...Sometimes feelings are just so raw and they seem to demand to be felt. It's ok to have them. Hang in there pal! 

Posted on:
Mon, 15/01/2018 - 21:43

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Hoping each new day has you feeling a little bit stronger.
All good wishes x

Posted on:
Tue, 16/01/2018 - 11:48

Stephen The Strong

Joined:
2017-05-10

Hello ODAAT. Warmest greetings, cultural cuddles and a big hug from Hull. I appreciate you may be just having a little break from the diaries but wanted to send you my best wishes.

Five weeks ago you were full of enthusiasm with runs in Ashridge Woods, high intensity Zumba, yoga, swimming, christmas preparations, cooking, shopping and an hour long pummeling by your chinese physio. Now here we are mid january and zilch.

Thinking of you my friend and hope you are ok ...stephen 

Posted on:
Sat, 20/01/2018 - 16:18

Equinox

Joined:
2017-10-18

Hi ODAAT - just dropping in to say hello and that I hope the month is getting better for you after a bumpy start. 

Posted on:
Thu, 01/02/2018 - 22:14

Bryan

Joined:
2017-12-24

Hi ODAAT thank you for your post on my diary and lovely words . I have you partly to thank for me doing so well. You were one of the first people who I encountered on here and gave me a great reality check and have motivated me . A few weeks on and you are still helping others including myself and it really is appreciated 

Posted on:
Sun, 04/02/2018 - 07:21

Ineffable

Joined:
2015-02-21

Thanks for popping by ODAAT... always a pleasure to read your posts :)

Well l’m done pontificating about my desire to keep GF - I have had so many relapses over the last 4 years, and so many beginnings. I was convinced that the most recent one would be the last but it never was.  Now I just plan to be GF each day.  I have registered on the 2018 challenge, Easter challenge and Guru challenge so I have something to aim for but I take it day by day. I am just a month into my new start and, like all the rest, I want this to be my last. I am reading more about addiction to get a different perspective and have taken your recommendation ( thanks BTW) and bought the Russell Brand book so will dig into that after I have finished the latest. Oh, and I bought one of those fancy running watches and started running yesterday - anything to get me out and about ....so will be slim and fit before Summer.  Hahaha :) 

Posted on:
Tue, 06/03/2018 - 01:14

ODAAT

Joined:
2014-11-10

Gambling addiction sits in the doldrums of my mind, beaten into submission & replaced instead by a burning desire to sleep away every last second of daylight.  Instead of the old familiar argument of should I stay or should I go everytime I ran out of the last last bit I was willing to lose, I lurk on the sofa after lights out catching up on soaps or reading by the blue light of my mobile.  My mind sometimes tries to make sense of this pointlessness but even now, with the added knowledge of recovery, it would rather sit idle & wait for the answers to come to me than make any sustained effort to change.  

 

I try & convince myself that being practically bed/sofa bound is harmless, but I’m not even kidding myself...I can’t walk up a slope without huffing & puffing, preferring to ponder whether I have some sort of debilitating breathing problem rather than accept that my currently idle way of living isn’t doing me any good.  I tell myself that my swimming kick has always been weak as I move from the front of my lane to the back & struggle to keep up, glancing across with my peripheral vision to the non-swimmers 3 lanes down who are moving faster than I am.  My fitness tracker relegated to the bottom of a drawer as I repeatedly struggled to hit the prerequisite 10,000 recommended steps per day, I decided it was ugly, oh & it lied.  No point even trying to get back on track with that, not @ least I’ve got a new gizmo to pat me on the back everytime I achieve something I should take for granted!  I even bought new training gear to go with my 2 fairly new pairs of runners & periodically (if once in a blue moon counts as periodically) drag myself out for an arduous 40 minute run.  Long gone are the days when this meant 5 miles plus, it’s only by the grace of my finishing prowess that the 4 mile marker ticks over these days but it’s all it takes to impress work colleagues who consider pressing the lift button exercise & I despite everything I have learned, I still want recognition for EVERYthing.  The trainers have done more miles walking the few steps between house, car, station & work than they have pounding the streets & all but one of my new gym items remain unworn or used solely to loll about the house & yet I look down from my pedestal & gloat @ all around me, too lazy to walk the single flight of stairs up to the office!  I didn’t put me here, I can blame a plethora of people who refuse to accept I can do no wrong & regardless of how much that peeves me sometimes, I do enjoy the accolade that comes with it & so rather than step down the peg or seven I continue to try & live my life looking down & judging.  Only now it’s tinged with the irony that these people I judge are my hall of mirrors...The qualities I hate most in others, my ‘strengths’.  I can see recovery all around me & it’s a slow burn because I’m incredibly lazy & full of excuses but it’s there for my taking.

 

Today I caught a glimpse of myself in a mirror as I made my way out & decided to do something about it...My full make up routine gives my face that pretty much resembles an allergic reaction, a yellowy hue (the packaging assures me it’s bronze but I have my doubts) & the sample mascara that I was given some years ago still does it’s thing of sticking my eyelashes together in a clump that I’m not quite proud of.  I’m pretty sure that with some considerable time in a chair a beautician could do something to reduce the Lidl £10 bags under my eyes to more respectable Sainsbury’s sized ones but for today, it’s enough to make me brave the rear view mirror properly & allow a wry smile to spread across my face.  I’m not convinced that any sales rep would consider my feeble attempts @ make up anything of the sort but as Dale Wimbrow would say, it’s only the guy in the glass that‘s really important & for me, today, it’s enough.  I’m calm & that’s progress not perfection - ODAAT

Posted on:
Fri, 16/03/2018 - 05:24

ODAAT

Joined:
2014-11-10

 

I logged onto the diaries last night & discovered that Duncs had been upset by the removal of 750 posts from his thread :-(  Didn’t initially give much thought as to who the author was as I was hit by the irony of how much I missed my all time favourite “Tips for keeping busy thread” which is now as extinct as the Dodo.  As a long time advocate of leaving posts be, I was as disappointed as I always am when something is banished & couldn’t agree more with Dunc’s sentiments...When words are given to us, who is the author to remove them & equally, what about those of us who have left a part of us within their respective pages.

 

Once it occurred to me who had done the dirty deed, I was surprised to feel I didn’t give a rats rear end especially having been subjected to a recent attempt @ manipulation when her user name was changed to my dead sister’s initials.  I did muse the irony of previously being called “way too selfish” by said author but thought nothing more of it as I rolled over to sleep.  However, a restless night, resplendent with re-occurring nightmare ensued & out I sprang, very un-me like, from bed, an hour before I needed to this morning having been awake since half 3, entirely ready to rip the head off of some Jelly Babies.  I have no idea what the dream means & having had it so often, when it is playing through, even the scenes of devastation are entirely manageable plus my sleep tracker shows over 3 hours of deep sleep & so I knew I had 2 options...Take it with me into the day or leave it in my past.  I don’t quite know how to do that yet so here I am writing it out but what I do know, by not staying in bed trying to squeeze in a few winks in the dying embers of the night I’ve been proactive.  The sleepless night may well be due to the oncoming working ‘week’ & I may now have a 13 hour day instead of the rostered 12 as no point sitting @ home doing nothing when I can get in @ let ND go & I can’t believe it but I feel ok.

 

As my GA friend Brian would say: my recovery journey is much lighter & easier when I don’t carry my past with me.

 

Have a calm, gamble free day fellow travellers (past & present) - ODAAT

Posted on:
Sat, 24/03/2018 - 01:50

ODAAT

Joined:
2014-11-10

I’ve stopped worrying why...I don’t need to know why I have blue eyes or why I suffer with hayfever, knowing why doesn’t change it, I just do.  I could wonder my life away: why am I a girl not a boy, why do hairs grow all over my body when I’m not a cuddly toy, why is one foot bigger than the other or why do my hands look like they belong to my Nan, it doesn’t matter why, what matters is what I do about it.  Nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing or nothing, shave, buy bigger shoes, moisturise...Whatever I choose doesn’t change me, it just changes the way I manage me.  

 

Periodically I have tried to figure out my gambling/recovery why...Why did I think it would make me rich (when I 1st started recovery) to what was I running from (the latest concern) but all that seems to do is confuse me, complicate my life!  The orange book aka my GA bible says some people never know why & it’s ok for that to be me!  I’m not exactly a thinker (although I’d be lying if I said I don’t choose thinking over acting), I accept that Elvis is dead & perhaps more importantly that the World is round so why get hooked up on something I know nothing about?  Why try to make sense of it when ‘it’ doesn’t need sense making, it just is!

 

Recovery isn’t about making my life harder, it’s about keeping it simple, stripping it back to the here & now so that I’m not harbouring resentments & hurts from my past or catastrophising about my future.  I don’t need to focus energy on the why’s until I get to that page of my recovery chapter & when I do, I’ll actually know what the question is rather than just asking what I’ve heard other people do.

 

I’m sleeping less & doing more & some days doing more is nothing other than taking the dog for a walk but just like my early days on here when I patted myself on the back for nothing more than a gamble free day, I’ll take it because recovery really is about progress & not perfection - ODAAT

Posted on:
Sat, 24/03/2018 - 10:30

Anon100

Joined:
2016-08-31

Hi, thanks for the lovely words on my diary, I’m sending you the biggest cyber hug there is.  You are a truly amazing person and helped and inspired me so much in beating the addiction.  Don’t try to over think things, enjoy every minute of every day.  X x 

Posted on:
Sat, 24/03/2018 - 11:00

judy

Joined:
2012-07-23

I'm thinking that maybe recovery for me has been mostly learning about what it means to be fully human and then learning how to accept my humanity and the humanity in others. The beauty of being "us"  is that we have the capacity to glide on the top of the water. I'm picturing the water skier here under the blazing sun with one hand waving free singing "Vacation" by the Go Gos. We can also don our skin divers suits whenever we want to and venture into the deep. The coral reef can certainly appear confusing if we attempt to dissect it like a marine biologist or maybe we can just marvel at its beautiful complexity. I'm rambling on your diary today because I enjoyed your post and the spirit of it moved me to ramble. Enjoy your Saturday my friend.

Posted on:
Thu, 29/03/2018 - 05:09

ODAAT

Joined:
2014-11-10

Just cried my way through a DIY SOS (Birmingham) where a lovely family had very poorly twins...In bodies aged 4 1/2, they had the capacity of 12 month olds :-(

I know we never get the whole picture on these programs but aside from peels of laughter & the loveliest 9 year old brother in the whole world, we just saw a family living in the now.  No nasty resentments, just 2 incredible parents who wanted nothing more than for their boys to “be the best they could be”!

 

These programs, where people turn out to give their time & skill for strangers always humble me but my emotions are raised more so than usual with this one because I could completely align their way of coping to what I have learned on my recovery journey.  Off of the back of an SVU where organs were being harvested without consent it was an incredibly sobering reminder of how amazingly fortunate I am in life.  

 

I’m not sure it’s my place to ask God to do anything especially given my fickle relationship with him over the years but I don’t have anything to offer on anywhere near the same scale so: God bless everyone!

 

JFT I’m going to be the best I can be!

Posted on:
Thu, 29/03/2018 - 15:09

ODAAT

Joined:
2014-11-10

Just occurred to me: I know I have to train to get fit, why should my mind be any different...I can’t just hope it better.

Posted on:
Mon, 02/04/2018 - 22:53

Pink 2018

Joined:
2018-03-28

 Thank you ODAAT for your post , I have spoken to my three grown children over Easter to see how they feel about their childhood growing up with a gambling mother , even though I kept it secret then they could tell something was wrong , my daughter said it was like I was pretending to be happy , I was always stressed about money although the children didn't know what was wrong , it was not as bad as it has been the last couple of years , so I always managed to provide for them , but emotionally they all suffer from anxiety and stress which I feel very deep regret about , I thought because they were so young they were not affected but they were. All of them hate gambling with a passion and are 100% behind me and want me to stop for good this time , and I am totally committed to recovery , hope you are well and enjoyed the easter break .. Pink

Posted on:
Sun, 22/04/2018 - 09:12

gingernut1

Joined:
2011-04-09

 

 

Hi Kelly,

I’m back like a bad smell, first and foremost you’re amazing at this recovery business, as for me? That’s another story, the difference between yourself and me and probably 90% of people who attempt recovery is you never let up, throwing everything you can at this demon, now embracing GA is a case in point, truthfully you only get out what you put in regarding any kind of success in beating this and you’ve been relentless, admiration Junie.

as for me I’ve not been in a good place at all, on and of the gambling wagon culminating in a meltdown Grand National day not that I had a bet in the race, no that’s for the once a year pin stickers, not proper punters like me, YEAH RIGHT, 

So I’ve progressed like any addict from one form of poison to another, as you might remember Kelly my preferred preference for punishment was the bookies, horses,  dogs, the odd football bet now progressing to online casinos, you can fill in the blanks from here, you’ve heard the outcome thousands of times on this forum, sadly I’m no different, no excuses from me Kelly I except full responsibility for my actions and am disgusted with myself to still be at this for all these years, I’m starting over with the thoughts in my mind of the way I felt when I started my first Gamcare recovery doing over a year alongside you Sandra, Suzanne, Ade, Duncs and others, I can vividly remember how I felt during this period, happy, free, invigorated, motivated, unstressed, sleeping, eating, and smiling, I want all that back Kelly, I’m not letting up on this goal anymore, I’m not day counting, although the grand national is a huge milestone...I had to request a new password and noticed my join day guess when it was yep GN day

Keep being successful Kelly 

OAU The Ginger One

 

 

Posted on:
Thu, 26/04/2018 - 01:04

ODAAT

Joined:
2014-11-10

Resentment has come up again today, it’s a huge part of recovery working out how to stop people/things/situations living in our head rent free & I can honestly say, since I have started praying when I notice a resentment creeping in, they are so much more manageable.  As one of my many beloved sayings go, “there’s no point drinking poison & expecting the other person to die”!

 

Thought I would drop a couple of my messages on here that came from my heart & reminded me why I am grateful for being an addict...

 

“It’s hard not to resent people who have hurt us/blame them for making us the way we are but if we step back & look & only the good stuff we have been “given” it makes it harder to hate anyone for the bad.”

 

“I turned out ok”

Posted on:
Thu, 26/04/2018 - 12:22

gingernut1

Joined:
2011-04-09

Thank you so much Kelly, I’d love to take you up on the Evian pact, I’ll post to you later about the trials and tribulations of my recovery..,KTF Kelly 

You sure turned out ok

OAU Gingergaz

Posted on:
Fri, 27/04/2018 - 02:33

gingernut1

Joined:
2011-04-09

 

Hi Kelly 

Ok where do I start?... it was early March when I started slipping back into my old ways proper, up until then I been doing quite well, acting responsibl by carrying little cash and Totally abstaining from the bookies, but like I said Kelly I’d been dabbling with online casinos, and my use of them was getting progressively heavier in respect of time and money.

I went on a bad run, deposit after deposit chasing like a madman emptying my bank account and maxing my c/c leaving a balance of only £22...I sank into a depression so deep that I for the first time considered ending it all, I was so scared Kelly ..I spent 3 days in bed unable to function sweating, shivering sleeping I never ate a crumb in those 3 days, I truly think I was suffering from shock, of all my antics over the years this meltdown was life changing in sums and scale.

Day 4 it’s time for me to sort myself out (for the umpteenth ******* time) I left for work with absolutely no intention of going, instead deciding to spend my day in coffee shops and reflecting on what I’ve done and how the hell do I come back from this.

My head pounding with copious cups of caffeine l decide I’m not gonna let this do this to me anymore I’ve got to fight on starting with withdrawal and self exclusion... I logged on requested withdrawal of my £22 balance as soon as that’s approved I’ll close the account and start recovery this time for good.. within a few minutes I get an email asking me to verify my account?...this account is already verified I’ve had emails telling me such, I attempt withdrawal again but yet again I get an email asking me to verify my account.... Then an email pops up, important message from blah blah casino, I decide to give it my time purely because of the headline important... it was from the responsible gambling dept asking if I was ok I the sums I’m wagering and if so could I provide evidence of this with either a copy of  my bank statement showing salary or a HMRC return...I replied that I was gambling well beyond what I could afford and no way was able to supply the evidence they required regarding responsible gambling.. they email back pretty much immediately saying they’ll be in touch...30 mins later my phone rings with a call from Malta, it’s David the responsible gambling manager, asking if everything is ok ..i reply it isn’t, tbh Kelly I’m not interested in making small talk with anyone  I’m more concerned with why their not allowing me to withdraw and keep asking for verification when this account is supposedly verified... David says he’ll look into it and call me tomorrow. The next day true to his Word David calls me and is quick to apologise and say that they haven’t handled this well and after  consideration they feel that this account should be closed AND ALL DEPOSITS RETURNED...emotionally and physically drained I’m absolutely speechless ...after a little detective work I figured out why they decided on this.. I’d Previously self excluded from a sister casino and consequently I’m excluded from all casinos in the group... that’s why I was unable to withdraw.

Kelly if I was a Ginger Tom I’d have used all my lives by now..that “are you happy with your gambling” email is my wake up call, I feel it’s a sign ... a piece of good fortune that I must cherish forever... Kelly I’ve been thrown a lifeline and I’m not letting go.

My last transaction was ironically April fools day, so our Evian day is 1sts May ;-)

Thanks so much for being there from day 1 Kelly 

OAU the grateful Ginger one

Posted on:
Sat, 28/04/2018 - 11:46

gingernut1

Joined:
2011-04-09

Hi Kelly 

The GA protocol makes absolute perfect sense, i can only imagine the highs and lows spoken within its walls, and I have the utmost respect for every man and woman who have taken the step, GA has always been the Ace up my sleeve no pun intended  when it comes to recovery, I’ve always thought to myself if all else fails then I must go to GA and to be honest Kelly if I’m not in the last chance saloon now when will I be?

If I drop this particular baton I’ve been handed then frankly I deserve everything I get...I’ve got blocks in place, limited access to funds, a list of jobs to do around the house and a trip to B&Q on the horizon, plus the smell of optimism in my nostrils ;-)

It’s So true Kelly the feeling of euphoria doesn’t last forever, so working on how to deal with any trigger points when they come is the key to success for me... keeping busy is the big one for me..so it’s busy busy busy from now on ;-)

And as I completely ruined Easter not only for myself but for my family, I’m so I’m looking forward to the mayday bank holiday to make amends:-) 

I’m taking Ade’s advice, if I do look back I promise not to stare;-)

Can’t you tell I’m a Wednesday child Kelly...full of woe:-))

One thing before I go are you being honest with me Kelly if so I feel the privilege, but swapping the red and white stuff for bleeeuu even if it is Evian day is humbling..thanks Kelly 

I’ll tell you to and I know you will KTF

Thanks Kelly OAU Ginger

Posted on:
Sat, 05/05/2018 - 08:23

ODAAT

Joined:
2014-11-10

So I had a grumpy day yesterday!  No apparent reason for it & no more thought given to it than I give to going for a run but I was aware of it & kept trying to distract myself when I felt my eyebrows furrowing just in case it tried to catch me out.  Didn’t stop me snapping the NM’s head off but equally, it didn’t stop the swift apology either, something which was sorely lacking in my rants of bygone days. 

 

1 gloriously busy night shift later, stepping out into the sunshine with a smile on my face, it occurred to me that yesterday’s mood may well have been in part due to the eagerly anticipated (not) 3 x 12 hour night shifts which once again leaves me wondering just what is wrong with me!  I love nights & even better I knew I was going to be rolling solo which meant not only could I have the blinds up & the lights on I could also have the telly off!  This recovery is a strange thing.  To my mind the way I like it is how it should always be (I mean, we’re @ work ffs, not at home), no shoot em ups or racing cars or boxing or someone else’s very personal choice in music, or face (including nose) picking or eating loudly or beaching, just me & my work, & yet I find myself putting up with everything that annoys me (in the office) these days, seemingly so as not to hurt other people’s feelings?!?  Never mind the who are you & what have you done with Kelly, I’m serious, I’m softening & I’m not convinced it’s entirely healthy!  

 

Part of me gets that no-one should have to like things the way I like them & I am trying to fit myself into what is but nights like last night bring it home how much I hate that place when I don’t have control!  I may not be the arbiter of the Universe but if I was, I would make sure all office workers have good manners & be generally mindful of each other, including not leaving rubbish (all rubbish not just the ****** bits of tobacco & smoking filters which is more disgusting than a **** to someone who was dragged up in a household like mine & has developed phobias around such items) on the desks!  I was gonna say don’t get me started on the kitchen but I can’t leave that out...If anyone tried to walk away from a microwave in which they had even thought about letting their food explode, I would have said food spontaneously combust in their hands & all the milk thieves (you know who you are) would find  the product of even the freshest cartons turning sour as it hit their cuppa/cereal/personal containers.  Food thieves would find themselves spending an inordinate amount of time in the little girl’s room when they got home & the biscuit thieves would be inexplicably drawn to the posh biscuit aisle for replacements...packet per biscuit.  The backstabbing & bitchiness can stay because what’s an office without something to moan about :-)

 

Anyway, in case you hadn’t noticed, I’m feeling lots less grumpy this morning & actually looking forward to my cycle home!

 

Have a great bank holiday weekend everyone & don’t forget your suncream & water, it’s shaping up to be a scorcher!

Posted on:
Fri, 25/05/2018 - 00:48

ODAAT

Joined:
2014-11-10

GamCare have hurt me today & I can’t decide if it’s because I’ve been naughty & deserved a telling off or because I think I have been made to look bad by having asterisks in posts where I have used innocent words :-(

 

Once again, another disappointing disagreement about the ludicrous censorship of words that have alternative meanings on a site where we openly talk about addiction & the lows that it brings including prison & suicide!  I have been threatened with moderation if I ‘continue’ to try to by pass the profanity filters, like I do it everyday without a word of understanding or explanation as to why, once the words were clearly not being used in a derogatory way, that they could not simply be released from the censor?

 

I know it’s 2moro’s chip paper & it’s outside my control but bizarrely enough, I can currently feel the tears pricking my eyes as I type but admittedly, I am on 12 hour shifts with travel disruptions so I could just be feeling a tad sensitive.

 

We had a discussion about addiction in the office today, as so often happens when a packet of biscuits disappears in 3 seconds flat & one of my colleagues who was completely on board with the physical craving for food, drink, drugs, etc was scratching his head & re-enacting someone feeding an old skool fruitie saying he couldn’t understand gambling.  As my colleague who knows about my addiction shuffled uncomfortably in his chair, I asked the actor if he knew I was in GA (I still find that easier to break the ice with) before explaining that he had just done a perfect impression of me (didn’t have the heart to say, many moons ago when you still got a bit of exercise by feeding the coins).  It’s funny how much I’ve changed in what I believe to be a fairly short space of time...I respect this particular colleague & not keen on anyone I respect thinking badly of me but whilst I’m still not wearing my addiction as a badge of honour, I’m not running from it either.  He wasn’t particularly phased by my disclosure, more trying to get his head round the why when my body isn’t specifically craving the poison (he has heard about an overeater who ruptured his staples so that they could get the satisfaction of feeling food within)...I could have gone all day on the subject but fortunately the phone rang & saved us all.  

 

Looking @ the apology Morgan Freeman has just delivered to any woman that has been made to feel uncomfortable by comments he has made in the past, comments that many people have made over the ages, I wonder how different his position is to mine & so many people around me.  I work in an environment where we “make fun” of men who hold their breasts when they walk to stop them wobbling & tell people to go easy on the biscuits, comments that can be construed as insulting & I’m kinda sad.  I’m sad for the people that couldn’t speak up @ the time & say that the comments were hurtful but I’m also sad that one person’s innocent banter is a thousand people’s pain & I wonder what happened to the sticks & stones saying of my youth. 

 

Went on a bit there huh but as we know, it’s better to ramble than gamble (KTF) & I can happily say that good days or bad, I am gamble free & where possible living in the now - ODAAT

Posted on:
Fri, 25/05/2018 - 07:12

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

Hi Odaat I never understand the reason for the telling off. There is the use of profanity against or towards someone, there is verbal abuse without profanity that goes unmissed, then there is just words not aimed at anyone. I disagree with many things about gamcare. The one thing I don't disagree with is genuine addicts seeking help , working their step 12. I just reason that gamcare haven't really got a clue about living everyday addiction. Don't stop being who you are. I always look for you.

Posted on:
Fri, 25/05/2018 - 12:31

Oldhamktf

Joined:
2015-09-26

Im still lurking in the shadows, occasionally pop on and pick someone to have a cach up on, and it was you today. Great to see your still going strong actually even stronger you seem to be getting a lot out of GA and giving a lot back to, i too dont go around ahouting about my addiction but i certainly dont hide it away ive often found myself taking to stangers about GA.

I feel your frustration with the censor police, its not going to change so maybe accept that ;-)

KTF

Posted on:
Mon, 28/05/2018 - 12:10

NT

Joined:
2017-12-16

Mate, I completely understand your frustrations with Gamcare. Let them go, it's not worth it. It's all about who has the most values, compassion and understanding of what we have to go through.

We all know the answer to this.

NT

Posted on:
Tue, 29/05/2018 - 03:54

ODAAT

Joined:
2014-11-10

Hi MGR, I have struggled for some time with something you posted very early on about your daughter & have been loath to post on your diary so it means a lot that you have dropped by...Thank you for your kind words & thank you for keeping it real for people like me who think the world revolves around us!

 

KTF, my old friend...Good to see you :-)  It’s gone, but as you know, it’s progress not perfection & sometimes you gotta let it out to help with the cleansing.  I’m not giving much back yet but yes, I am getting a lot out of GA...It works if we work it :-)

 

Hi NT, very surprised to see you here but thanks also for the fly by of support.  Congratulations on getting financially straight...I hope you are finding recovery a bit calmer now.

 

I’d also like to thank forum admin for a very personal response to my pain.  (P.s: I did reply but the email got bounced again I’m afraid.)

 

Just so you all know, I’m glad I posted it out...Meetings are great but Mrs D never sleeps.

 

Read a few posts over the last couple of days & just wanted to get down in writing that there is no miracle cure for addiction!  Recovery is not easy & anyone that says it is, never got that sick!

 

I’ve just sent a text to my mum that I’ve been deliberating over for hours...Its the 1st one in over a month, (goodness knows when the last unprompted one was) & all I could manage was a “Hi, hope you are @ peace!”.  She said not to worry about her, just to keep in touch with my Nan & I’ve apologised for being so self absorbed but that will be it for another age.  One day, soon, it’s gonna be too late for either of them & still I haven’t put enough into my recovery to get over this teeny tiny hurdle.  Neither of them have ever intentionally hurt me, my mum’s an addict as you know but only thing they’re both guilty of is loving me too much.  I know what I need to do & yet everyday is a struggle & so I continue the way I always have, my way.  The work I have put into my recovery has been rewarding...I’m calmer & happier with it which is great but I still want something for nothing & it isn’t going to come.  

 

2 days ago, I had a blahhhh day but I made myself get things done, one tiny step @ a time.  Yesterday I made myself get up @ noon & wondered why, when I asked the NM if he thought I was getting better, he said I still spend too much time in bed.  Today flushed with the success of yesterday’s early rise, I did the same & dragged myself up @ noon (this is an achievement?!?) but then I ran out of time & missed a meeting.  Not coz we went out for dinner as I had planned but because we were painting the ‘new’ (new is like that because I’m not entirely sure how long something stays new for when you use it daily for months on end) fence & still we only managed 2/3 ish (ish coz 2 of the 3 parts are finished except for the bits the NM missed on his section)!  

 

For every 2 steps I take forwards, I seem hellbent on chucking in the odd back...I might well sit around with the diaries & self help books & fellow compulsive gamblers & tell myself that I’m not “like them” but the more I open my mind, the more I see reflecting back @ me!

 

Now it’s nearly 0400 & I know better so on that note...Nite all.

 

Be safe, be happy - ODAAT 

 

 

Posted on:
Sun, 10/06/2018 - 08:42

ODAAT

Joined:
2014-11-10

So today I did a mini celebratory dance when the work husband said there was nothing worth watching on the television...Now I’m sat here, headphones in, trying to stop my tears from escaping as I pray to my higher power to just make it stop!  I’ve been so calm lately that this has pretty much come out of nowhere but I’ve put my headphones in & turned MY music up to warning levels but still can’t drown out his music blaring out from his phone a few feet away or his chomping!  I’ve had so many discussions about the telly & his choice of music stations that I cannot have anymore & know I have to change my reaction to it but how on earth does one do that?  @ least with the food I know the packet will be empty soon & I will have some respite from that!

 

Posted on:
Fri, 22/06/2018 - 15:38

Loxxie

Joined:
2016-01-15

Jeez oddat....is that really the trend now...socks and flipflops !
:)

Posted on:
Wed, 27/06/2018 - 01:31

ODAAT

Joined:
2014-11-10

Today I received this text message:

“Thanks for the lift kelly. Hope everything is ok with you...”

A few meetings ago, I said a silent prayer @ the start that this person wouldn’t sit next to me, today 11 little words have humbled me speechless!

 

I have been pondering it all day & as much as I genuinely believe it when I say I don’t need anyone to look out for me, I will ask if I want help, I am human!  

 

Not so long ago, I would have written someone off if they had told me they’d seen the inside of 10 different mental health units, today I recognise the only person I judge when I do so is me! 

 

What has this got to do with gambling you say?  I am an addict, I have a disease of my mind which I can run from & deny or I can accept & address...I choose recovery - ODAAT 

 

Look past the forced smiles & never underestimate the power of a “How are you?”!

Pages

Pages