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My Diary: Day 1 to Day Never Again!!!

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#1 Posted on:
Fri, 03/06/2016 - 20:16

A_new_hope

Joined:
2016-06-03

Hi Everyone,

I'm a newbie, who's been a CG for 6 years.

I'm starting this post, after encouragement from a couple of other members (thanks guys!), to upload a daily diary of my thoughts and struggles to overcome this horrendous affliction.

I felt like posting a diary would not only give me something to focus on, but possibly allow other more accomplished members to post advice,  as well as have something that future newbies can read when they join the site, to show them they're not alone.

I'll post my story first, and then the first couple of days of the diary which I already had written down prior to joining the forum.

Thanks everyone!

Posted on:
Fri, 03/06/2016 - 20:21

A_new_hope

Joined:
2016-06-03

So...it goes back to late 2009 - Life was good, had a brand new house, with everything a lad in his mid 20's would need, as well a savings account with a £5k balance, to help prepare for my future. Things were pretty good.

Although my friends and I would spend most summer days (and weekend days) at the local fair/amusement arcades in my early to mid teens, I very rarely had a gamble, in any form from then on. Other than the stereotypical Grand National £1 each way on some three legged rank outsider.

Fast forward a few years, and the commercialisation/popularity of football accumulators, I was perfectly happy to stick a quid on a 15 teamer, with returns that I could retire on - but was totally in control, never ever felt the urge to put more than one bet on, or spend more than £1.00, or even have the urge to bother going out just to put a 'daft bet' on. Probably the same as 95% of people who can have a gamble and forget it, dismissing it as either a bit of harmless fun, or a complete waste of a quid!

So far so good then?? The next part is where is went wrong.

I can remember this day with unbelievable accuracy. 

************. High street. Saturday, Mid-Day. A few of us went in together, some to put a football bet on, and at that time I wasn't even bothering to put one on (ironic I know!) - at this point I was very much one of the ''it's a waste of £1.00'' crew.

Whilst inside, I bumped into an old school friend standing at a FOBT, with someone else I didn't know, playing Roulette. At that point, whilst generally chatting to my mate (who never really took his eyes of the screen, now that I remember) suddenly bursts into a 'Get in there, what a ******* beauty' etc etc. It was at this point he told me that he had £5.00 on number 26, winning £180. His total bet was only £10.00 - Allthough I was happy he won, my immediate thought was 'God £10.00 on a spin of a wheel' (I'm still in the 'waste of £1.00 crew' at this point, remember!). I was intrigued as to how so much money can be won, so quickly, without having to wait 90 mins for a match.

He offered to 'go halves' with me on a spin if I was interested, £10.00 each and he'd pick the numbers. Although it would be the most I'd ever spent in any visit to a bookies in my life, I agreed, gave him £10.00 and he matched it with his own. The whole £20.00 was staked, start button was pressed.................36, Red, Even comes out the machine speaker (and I don't know if that's good or bad at this point!) - but it was, 36 had £4 sitting on it, and our £20.00 bet was now worth £144.00.

I took my £72.00 and ran, declined the offer to 'go again' and had a cracking night out courtesy of Mr ******roulette machine.

Well, you all know what happened next.

Thoughts of 'it was easy money' 'any one can do it' and the usual reasoning we've all came accustomed to, lead me to pop into ****** and have a game of roulette. By this time I had already read about the martingale system, so was going on to play red/black even money only, non of this ''£5.00 on 26 rubbish''. 

It didn't work. I lost six spins running, costing me £81.

I was distraught - I couldn't justify to myself losing that kind of money, so I thought I'd have a try and win it back....

The next 6 years bring me to today. Completely hooked to these cancerous machines. £20k in debt, living at home (with mum).  I've quit twice before for 3 months and 4 months each time, but have always gone back even though I know I how it'll end. I've never stolen, but I've lied my way thought the last 6 years in terms of where I have been, or where my wages have gone. It's now time to try and get rid of this demon for good. Big loss on Wednesday afternoon of just shy of £1000 was the final straw, all on the spin of a wheell eh?!?!? 

Feel like I've lost my life, my self esteem and not just what is likely over £100,000 to a computer terminal designed to take my money from me.

I'm hoping the forums will help me break the cycle, actually talking to people who are going through, or have gone through the same situation and managed to quit for good - almost like I'd be completely embarrassed and have more people I'd let down if I went back to gambling after telling you all my story...

Thanks for reading :-)

Posted on:
Fri, 03/06/2016 - 21:24

Change

Joined:
2015-01-30

I was a sports bettor but my tale is nonetheless similar.  You can't think about the losses and the past or it just pulls you in again.  Best thing to do is draw a line under it.  Imagine you got dropped down on the earth from a spaceship with the current situation you have.  What would you do?  You'd get on with it, work hard and get living life.  Good luck sir.

Posted on:
Fri, 03/06/2016 - 22:22

A_new_hope

Joined:
2016-06-03

Day 1:

Here again - last time I went almost 4 months and felt really good about it - then crash!! The inevitable happened...

Why am I doing this to myself????? What an supreme idiot!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted on:
Fri, 03/06/2016 - 22:24

A_new_hope

Joined:
2016-06-03

Day 2:

Spent the majority of the day at home, mixed between a hopefulness that a corner has been turned and dread/hatred at my own ability to lose control on so, so many occasions.

Purposely didn't get dressed until I had to leave the house to go strait to an appointment, basically to ensure I had no spare time outside that needed to be 'wasted'

 

Decided I'm going to give scores out of 10, from tomorrow, about temptation, hopefulness and anything else that springs to mind!!

Posted on:
Fri, 03/06/2016 - 22:32

A_new_hope

Joined:
2016-06-03

Day 3:

Well today has been quite easy. Due to the fact that I've been busy, leaving me no spare time to gamble. I'm coming to the conclusion that gambling is my spare time activity, with horrendously bad consequences.

In short, if I don't have any time, I don't have the time to gamble.

 

Haven't blocked the online stuff yet - mainly as I don't have any digital funds, so it's impossible to play currently but that has to be done immediately.

 

I am carrying cash in my wallet, which is to get me through until I get my next pay. I don't want to be holding this much cash, but after losing everything I had, I had to pawn something, so have that money in my wallet.

 

Have had a lovely day with my little one who is off this week for half term - chance to gamble hasn't presented itself, but that doesn't mean I am suddenly fine and am capable of walking around with £200 in my wallet without implication.

 

Feeling hopeful I can beat it: 3/10

Temptation: 1/10 but only as I knew I wasn't in a position to gamble today regardless!!

Posted on:
Fri, 03/06/2016 - 22:38

A_new_hope

Joined:
2016-06-03

Hi Change - thanks for the comment, in particular the part about drawing a line under it - I need to let go of the losses and look to the future... Do you mind if I ask how long you've quit for and what was effective for you when you had temptation?

Posted on:
Sat, 04/06/2016 - 13:40

A_new_hope

Joined:
2016-06-03

Day 4 - Part 1...

Doing today in two parts, because, as of tea time today, I have my 'Night Off' from being a Dad (Mum has the Friday :-) )

Other than day 2, this will be the first time since my quit attempt that I am on my own, so I'm slightly concerned about what to do with the time available... I'm sitting here now convinced I'm going no where near the bookies.

It got me thinking about how much of my life has been wasted in the bookies. I reckon an average of 14 hrs per week, over 6 years, which works out at 182 full 24 hour days - that's like pulling up a stool in front of a FOBT now, and not moving until November!!!! WTF!!!!!!!!

Posted on:
Sat, 04/06/2016 - 21:54

A_new_hope

Joined:
2016-06-03

Day 4 - Part 2:

Took the time to permanently self exclude from the two sites I was a member of - one in particular was really frustrating, as it was nigh on impossible to find the part of the site to ban myself - a cynical view would say it was intentionally difficult to find it, to stop you doing it...but it's done now and they're gone for good.

Going to research the exclusion from shops tomorrow.

I've spent a lot of time today thinking that I'm destined to fail - almost like I'm humouring myself until the inevitable happens.

but it's another day gamble free so got to take the positive from it I suppose.

Posted on:
Sun, 05/06/2016 - 19:59

Oldhamktf

Joined:
2015-09-26

Evening bud,

You've made a good choice starting a diary, I would email admin and ask them to move it to the diary section, 

You might find this thread useful about self excluding from bookies. 

KTF 

Posted on:
Sun, 05/06/2016 - 21:15

A_new_hope

Joined:
2016-06-03

Day 5:

Had a lazy Sunday, lie in and then watched tennis/footy. Saw various adverts for betting and muttered '**** off' under my breath to them (for some reason??!!)

Another day without a gamble. But couldn't switch off last night, possible symptom??

havent had to test myself very much, haven't walked/driven past a bookies, concerned that when the opportunity arises I'll get caught in two minds...

Posted on:
Sun, 05/06/2016 - 21:15

A_new_hope

Joined:
2016-06-03

Thanks KTF, I've moved it over to diary section 

Posted on:
Sun, 05/06/2016 - 21:23

Oldhamktf

Joined:
2015-09-26

Posted on:
Mon, 06/06/2016 - 19:55

A_new_hope

Joined:
2016-06-03

Day 5:

Busy day working, not much trouble through the day in terms of temptation.

But, the thoughts get did cross my mind while driving home, but I just told myself to forget it and kept driving...it worked, but I hope I don't get that feeling all of the time.

I'm hoping the longer I go without gambling, the less it will come to mind, otherwise I can see it eating me up again if I've had a bad day or am completely bored.

Posted on:
Mon, 06/06/2016 - 21:02

Chase21

Joined:
2016-05-28

Hi again just thought I would say
Good luck with your recovery.

Posted on:
Mon, 06/06/2016 - 23:19

A_new_hope

Joined:
2016-06-03

Thanks mate, all the best to you too

Posted on:
Tue, 07/06/2016 - 22:04

A_new_hope

Joined:
2016-06-03

Day 6:

another day without a gamble.

Thoughts only came to my head when thinking about the forum and when I overheard an advert.

Needed to buy something today, and for the first time I can remember in a while, I was able to just walk in and buy it without thinking about lowering my gambling funds, or not be able to buy it at all because I had already lost all of my money. Was a nice feeling.

Posted on:
Tue, 07/06/2016 - 23:21

Change

Joined:
2015-01-30

Hi hope... sorry I'm late to reply. Started the journey in Jan 15 and now I'm on a run of about 125 days. Temptation presents itself on any and all sporting events. I avoid sports pages, sports radio and sports tv. I didn't watch djoko v Murray at Roland Garros as its too much for me. I didn't watch the England friendliest. I sit and watch you tube videos waiting to feed my son each night. It's not easy.

Posted on:
Tue, 07/06/2016 - 23:29

ODAAT

Joined:
2014-11-10

Hi New Hope, welcome to recovery & well done on your 1st 6 days :-)  Isn't it just lovely to be able to pay for stuff without worrying how to 'make up the money' :-)

The way to stop the urges eating you up is to figure your triggers!  Abstaining for 4 months was awesome but the crash is always around the corner because we are addicts.  Time heals our gambling wounds & we forget the pain, think we are cured, know we can control it (this time) but we can't!  We cannot win because we cannot stop so this time, why not try something different?  Have you considered counselling?  Or GA?  Worrying now about the bored or stressed days is good in a way (you know these are your triggers) just don't rely on hope to get you through, make plans, know what you will do to ride out the urges & keep fighting - ODAAT 

Posted on:
Wed, 08/06/2016 - 22:41

A_new_hope

Joined:
2016-06-03

 

Day 7:

Well that's a week without gambling under my belt.

Can't say I've missed it to be honest.

its been something I'm conscious of, but I've not had any urges that I've had to fight. Certainly no rushes to the head where I think must  gamble immediately.

Bank balance is in the black, I'm not even in my overdraft which I've been living off for as far as I can remember!!

My next target is to get to month end - which is pay day. If I can get to payday without having borrowed money or used overdraft my bank balance will be pretty healthy. Hoping that seeing my bank balance that day will be a better buzz than any 'win' 

 

 

Posted on:
Wed, 08/06/2016 - 22:50

A_new_hope

Joined:
2016-06-03

Hi Odaat - thanks for the support and advice. I agree that I need a plan in place should an overwhelming urge come to the surface.

I've wrote myself a note in my phone, which is a list of reasons I don't want to gamble anymore, what effect it can have and then a list of things I like doing so that I can do something on that list to take my mind off having a gamble. Anything from reading, go on the computer, to washing/hoovering the car!!

Posted on:
Thu, 09/06/2016 - 01:59

MickMUFC

Joined:
2016-06-05

Excellent work pal a week with no bet if a long time for a CG, im nearing the end of my 5th day and feel great, listening to talk sport now and they keep mentioning the brazil game and it doesnt bother me in the slightest at the min where a normal day id have a couple of ton on the game and i would focus all my engery and time on it. 

The roullette machines are not there for the punters pal, my mate works in a bookies and she said last week the shop where she worked made 12k profit and thats just one shop alone, the bookies make more of them than any sport event or horse, what does that tell you? I actually drove past a bookies today and laughed to myself thinking about the thread on here about not making them money, it felt good.

As for your spare time, get yourself a firestick and watch some films, docs or tv series, some brilliant ones out there and it'll take you're mind away from the urge and boredom.

 

Good luck mate and well done.

 

Posted on:
Thu, 09/06/2016 - 22:25

A_new_hope

Joined:
2016-06-03

Day 8:

Another gamble free day. Didn't really cross my mind.

Watched a box set of comedy show, time flew by, enjoyed myself without having to go through a traumatic gambling session!!

Bring on tomorrow.

Posted on:
Fri, 10/06/2016 - 21:05

A_new_hope

Joined:
2016-06-03

Day 9:

Got through most of the day easily, but thought crossed my mind on the way home. Shrugged it off, but would rather it didn't cross my mind.

It wasn't particularly bad, felt more like a habit. Really hope the longer I'm GF the less it comes to mind.

Day 10 tomorrow, double figures :-)

Posted on:
Sat, 11/06/2016 - 22:23

A_new_hope

Joined:
2016-06-03

Day 10:

First post didn't post!!!! Can't remember what I wrote!!!

Basically - gamble free, had a weird moment when the Mrs went shopping and I had an hour to wait until she went round Tesco!! Sat in the car and watched a DVD of a stand up comedian I like, time flew! Next thing I know her and the bairn were back at the car and I hadn't even had a tab (I do t smoke in the car obviously!)

Out with the lads now - felt good to support England instead of hoping for a first scorer or correct score!

Next

Posted on:
Sat, 11/06/2016 - 22:48

A_new_hope

Joined:
2016-06-03

All the lads have been to the ship to buy cans/beer, a few have both get scratch cards (the bingo ones) - they keep telling everyone which numbers they need to win £20k... Wish they'd shut up!!

Posted on:
Sun, 12/06/2016 - 00:23

A_new_hope

Joined:
2016-06-03

Got through the scratch card scenario - one of them one won something, I tried not to care, or get involved. I was happy my mate was happy, but i'd rather not have heard it at all!!

Posted on:
Mon, 13/06/2016 - 18:52

A_new_hope

Joined:
2016-06-03

Day 11 and 12:

Two more days gamble free.

Been nursing a hangover from hell so nothing to report, spent last two days in bed

Posted on:
Tue, 14/06/2016 - 04:35

MickMUFC

Joined:
2016-06-05

Well done A_new_hope excellent worl.

On my 12th day myself and still not had a bet, would love to have had a flutter on the euro's but have resisted tempation as i know if i got involved it would take up my time and emotions so just watched the games as a fan.

 

Posted on:
Tue, 14/06/2016 - 22:02

A_new_hope

Joined:
2016-06-03

Cheers Mick - hope you're doing well mate!!

Day 13:

Another day gamble free, no urges today. Just wanted to get home shattered from work.

14 days tomorrow, little bit of a mile stone. Next target is 28 days

Posted on:
Wed, 15/06/2016 - 20:35

A_new_hope

Joined:
2016-06-03

Day 14:

Two weeks Gamble free!!

good feeling.

no urges today, realised how many adverts there are for bookies and sites on the telly- shocking really!!

Posted on:
Thu, 16/06/2016 - 21:34

A_new_hope

Joined:
2016-06-03

Day 15:

Another day under my belt. Didn't really cross my mind.

No real urges or moments of weakness.

Posted on:
Fri, 17/06/2016 - 21:21

A_new_hope

Joined:
2016-06-03

Day 16:

Gamble free - had moment where i felt like I was on the way to the bookies, kind of like a habit - Was weird, but just shrugged it off.

Posted on:
Sat, 18/06/2016 - 20:43

A_new_hope

Joined:
2016-06-03

Day 17:

Gamble free again today. Had a brief moment where the thought crossed my mind. Must not get complacent.

Decided I'm only going to post on here if I have a wobble, or if I reach certain milestones - it's almost like gambling is out of my mind until I remember the diary...

Posted on:
Wed, 22/06/2016 - 23:00

A_new_hope

Joined:
2016-06-03

Well.... 21 days done!!! 3 weeks, feels good!!!

Posted on:
Wed, 29/06/2016 - 19:06

A_new_hope

Joined:
2016-06-03

28 days!!!! Didn't think this day would come!!! Feels good, pay day tomorrow and I don't owe a fortune out from borrowing :-)

Posted on:
Fri, 01/07/2016 - 20:08

A_new_hope

Joined:
2016-06-03

30 days done. Wages in the bank and I actually have money!!!!

Posted on:
Thu, 07/07/2016 - 17:42

A_new_hope

Joined:
2016-06-03

Just checking in - 36 days GF!!!! Had a couple of urges but nothing major, wasn't too tricky to resist 

Posted on:
Fri, 08/07/2016 - 17:38

Forum admin

Joined:
2010-11-01

Hi there!

Brilliant! Keep going with this, you are doing great!

Have you thought of taking your mates aside and ask them to keep you out of the gambling loop for a while and not talk about it so much when you're around? If they are good friends, they'll understand and make things easier for you.

Kind wishes

Gabriele

Posted on:
Wed, 13/07/2016 - 15:10

A_new_hope

Joined:
2016-06-03

6 weeks GF!!!!!! Roll on day 50, that will be a nice milestone

Posted on:
Wed, 13/07/2016 - 15:28

ALAN 135

Joined:
Before 2009

Hi there ANH , just stopped off to say well done on your 6 weeks of being gamble free , the early stages are never an easy ride but you seem to be doing what works for you , congratulations and keep up the positivity my friend .

All the best   Alan  

Posted on:
Wed, 13/07/2016 - 21:57

A_new_hope

Joined:
2016-06-03

Thanks Alan, - appreciate the support!!!! 

Posted on:
Thu, 21/07/2016 - 08:28

A_new_hope

Joined:
2016-06-03

50 days!!!!!!!! Money still in the bank and it's pay day in a couple of days - not used to that :-)

Posted on:
Thu, 21/07/2016 - 13:58

Oldhamktf

Joined:
2015-09-26

Happy Hawaii day, great feeling to have money left keep the guards high and this will become a regular occurrence.

Posted on:
Thu, 21/07/2016 - 15:13

A_new_hope

Joined:
2016-06-03

Cheers KTF, it's definitely a good feeling! ...hope all is well with you??

Posted on:
Sat, 23/07/2016 - 06:13

A_new_hope

Joined:
2016-06-03

52... it only feels like a few hours ago that I said thanks to KTF!!! need to thinking about posting and thinking about living!!!

Posted on:
Sun, 31/07/2016 - 19:04

A_new_hope

Joined:
2016-06-03

60 days!!! Nice!

Must not get complacent - last time I reached this kind of mark I let it slip. Must not do that again 

Posted on:
Thu, 04/08/2016 - 19:02

A_new_hope

Joined:
2016-06-03

64 days - been a bit bored last few days. Almost felt like having a flutter but didn't give in to temptation.

Posted on:
Thu, 04/08/2016 - 21:23

leedso

Joined:
2010-02-27

Hi ANH,

Two months without gambling is no mean feat, and yest those little niggles will be there, particularly when you don't have anything else to focus on. That's a mistake I've made plenty of times myself. Keep knocking off those milestones!

Ryan

Posted on:
Thu, 04/08/2016 - 22:54

Caroline74

Joined:
2016-08-03

Well done , what u have achieved so far is amazing. Keep up the positive attitude, I suppose the niggles must also be like someone trying to quit smoking, the niggles will appear but they won't last, think of something else and they will pass. Keep updating us with your diary , I'm new to this site and just finding my way around but thought I'd stop by and say well done. 

Posted on:
Sun, 07/08/2016 - 16:06

A_new_hope

Joined:
2016-06-03

Leedso/ Caroline - thanks for the kind words. It's strange, I can see a massive improvement in both my mood and finances, but it's always lingering, got to keep focused I suppose 

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