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Monte Carlo or bust?

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#1 Posted on:
Sun, 27/08/2017 - 08:45

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

Hi so I've been encouraged to start a diary. I'm wife of compulsive gambler. Been married 17 years. Cg 100 days, this time.  Just to say I look at everything from my old iPhone and can't work out paragraphs!    So I'm a thinker, I should've been a detective but I'd have been sacked for having missed the clues. Plus I can't remember what I came in here for, so that doesn't help either. I am definitely in recovery, I have good moments and sad, tearful moments. I feel that no one really understands how you feel, not one wife of cg feels identical to another. Plus all cgs have their own traits. I feel judged, ashamed, stupid, have to justify myself. But I also feel happy, lucky, content. I'm going out for my walk, turn my music up loud and get on with it. I'm reading 'the revenant'. A tale of revenge, different from the film. About a man who just doesn't give up. That's me, I'm not going to give up on my cg, or myself. It's a beautiful day. Just for today, today is the only day we need to deal with, yesterday has gone, tomorrow becomes today!

 

Posted on:
Mon, 28/08/2017 - 08:19

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

Hey, think I'm talking to myself, think I do that a lot. Feel I'm invisible. Well I have a valid opinion and I am a good person, you just don't know me. So I'm up looking on here and I see despair. I'm so sorry that there are so many affected by this. This is only a snapshot on here, many more out there not seen. So I finished my book it quoted 100 days, one of the characters was a compulsive gambler in 1823! And my name was an explorer. I enjoyed that book so much, a best read and now I'm sad it's over. These are simple pleasures for me, I don't go out much , try not to spend too much money. Money makes me anxious, can cause a panic, a meltdown. My cg wants to spend. That's how it's affected me. But..... the sun is out, going for my walk. Need to find a new book, have one written by guy used to come to our meeting 'tails I lose'. I find reading therapeutic it will give me more insight. 

Posted on:
Mon, 28/08/2017 - 10:33

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

Hi deano not intentionally. I used to listen to a lot of his stuff. Recovery is on the pc so I'll get someone to pop it on my phone. I just googled the lyrics, think everyone on here, cg, wife, mother, child, could read it/ listen to it. Hits it on the head, struggle, bottom, denial, alone, insane. As wife you have your own struggle. Rock bottom too. Are we addicted to you? Funny Eminem story, my son had to have MRI at 10. Machine has DVD, music etc for kids to watch, it was broken. So consultant said you can listen to your own music if you've got iPod. My son says yes, dr says what music do you listen to? Son shrugs, Eminem. Dr looks at me and says does your mum know? It was a funny moment in a stress situation. Look for the happiness in everyday is a motto from someone in my meeting, that's what we should all do!

Posted on:
Mon, 28/08/2017 - 15:24

Oldhamktf

Joined:
2015-09-26

Afternoon Merry,

Pleased to see you have started a diary it will be a good place to get things of your chest. 

I noticed Deano's post got removed that's no reflection on you. He and gamcare decided to part ways and it appears he set up another account and admin have closed it down. 

It's great you're standing by your man and 100 days is a great start it's going to have its up and downs, probably more down to start with but they do become less the longer you both recover. Hopefully you and he are starting to see so benefits even after a relatively short time. 

I've read tail I lose and it's one of the better books out there so I'm sure you will enjoy it. 

Keep reading and posting I will certainly be following your diary. 

KTF 

Posted on:
Mon, 28/08/2017 - 15:40

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

Hi ktf now I want to know what he did?!? Thx for your post, I've been on this journey a long time, used to go to gamanon 12 years ago. Went religiously! 2 years. Took my eye off the ball though and let trust in my heart. Oh foolish one am I? I've had finance all that time so  relapses have been manageable. He's 103 days back to GA. It's peaceful today. 

Posted on:
Mon, 28/08/2017 - 16:43

Oldhamktf

Joined:
2015-09-26

Nothing exciting Merry, let's just say he used inappropriate language once to often and kept getting told off and closed his account. I'd imagine he saw no one had responded to you so thought he would and admin noticed. 

You enjoy the rest of the day which I'm sure will remain peaceful. 

Posted on:
Mon, 28/08/2017 - 23:31

ODAAT

Joined:
2014-11-10

Hi MGR, I was gonna respond to your "where do you belong?" thread but I thought this was a better place now that you're set up with your own diary...Good to see you here, if a little surprised to see that the title was from a loved one!

Is there a chance that he told his Mum to try & wriggle out of telling you?  If my life is anything to go by my mum (a CG like me) has been bailed out a number of times by my Nan (her mum) & she has almost bullied my Nan into not telling me.  Now my Nan is a tough old goat (term of endearment...she likes it) but she is reduced to tears (of shame) on the rare occasions I have had to be told because Mum has over borrowed & put her in an unmanageable spot.  I have begged, pleaded, grovelled, shouted over the years, all to no avail & even asking in my inside voice for Nan to tell me before she opens her purse has fallen on deaf ears.  "She's still my daughter!" being one of the most uncomfortable phrases you can hear from a woman in her 80's trying to hold it together.  My mother's friends are all the same...None of them speak to her now because she has burned all her bridges where they continued to lend after I told them to speak to me 1st & then stopped bailing her out when they didn't.  

I understand you wanting to stand by your husband but being angry @ his mother for his failings won't fix what is broken.  My Nan abhors gambling.  When I finally came clean with her a few months ago, I could almost feel her setting out from home to drag me down to GA & yet for my entire life she has never been able to get through to my mum.  Had to watch her working half a dozen jobs when we were little, seen her teeth deteriorating to the point she had to have dentures, watched her disappear for days & nights on end, not showering because she was in action.  It's not his mum you are really angry @.  What could she tell you that would make this ok anyway?  You don't know what he's told them about you & maybe sitting down & telling her just how awful you are feeling may touch a nerve but he's her boy & she may just end up hurting you more!  

For a long time after I came here, I was mad @ my mum for never trying to get me to get help despite her stupid laugh whenever she pointed out I was "much worse" than her but the truth is all I ever wanted from anyone then was money.  I don't know if support whilst I was in action would have been worthwhile but I know I couldn't do recovery without it.  Sometimes, I wish I had told my Nan years ago, I may have been forced to accept I had a problem sooner but mostly I am hugely grateful for the way my recovery has turned out.  I have met people here, a different time a different place that I wouldn't have met & whilst some have let me down, others have been incredible & I have learned something from every single one of them.

Financially the relapses at your end may be manageable but life & work are entwined & gambling is an escape mechanism so any therapy he has had for whatever reason will be relevant.  I'm not sure you're being over sensitive but it feels like you're looking for answers that your CG either doesn't have the balls to give or doesn't know.  The GA literature talks of people who don't always get to the bottom of why but it doesn't stop us working the program & to my mind part of that is being honest with those around us in all aspects of our lives.  I don't see how we can make amends without it & that's where the recovery really comes.  Going to meetings because your family want you to is very different to working the program & no amount of faith in him can make him do that so somehow, if you do want to stand by him, you have to figure out how to separate your feelings into ones that you can control & work on those.  You are in recovery & the serenity prayer is good for that, especially when you are in the habit of talking yourself round in circles.  His gambling isn't anyone's 'fault' - his recovery is in his hands just like yours is in yours - ODAAT 

Posted on:
Tue, 29/08/2017 - 06:45

Goodbye my husband

Joined:
2017-08-06

Hey it's good to see a non-cg in the diaries....and why not??? Writing is a huge release for me, rambling on and on (as you've now discovered....sorry) about absolutely everything.

In my mind I see the addiction as a tree, and the roots buried deep underground are the far reaching aftermath, the people and things affected. The bigger and stronger the tree the deeper the roots travel. 

I understand what you said about feeling invisible. I feel that too, like you want this to be about how you feel, just for once. I don't think it ever will be. I think we will always live in the far bigger and more important shadow of that enormous tree and I have no idea how to feel the sunlight.

When will we ever feel like we matter more? 

Posted on:
Tue, 29/08/2017 - 08:28

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

Secrets and lies! That's how I describe my relationship with my cg and all his family. It's a tolerated relationship with his mother. His father is dead and lied to me often but also told me I was a stupid woman on many occasions. I'm angry at his mother because after 20 years she still will not speak to me about anything important. She'll ask me why aren't you going on holiday? I know the game, he tells her he gambles but not how much. It's irrelevant to my daily life because she isn't in it. But just sometimes it riles me. When I had therapy it always reverted back to my father. I worked out I was just disappointed because he left and lived abroad. That's how I feel about my MIL. She would have a far better relationship with her son if she treated me with respect.        Anyway I had a peaceful day yesterday my cg was in a productive mood! Gardening, clean car and then he went for a run. This is time for him to think. When he came back he sat with his head in his hands and apologised. Apologised for all the pain and trouble he'd given me. So that's a good thing, a move forward. But seeing is believing and him being more active at home is noticeable. Even he said usually he'd be constantly checking his phone or iPad for sports results. It must be difficult now the football season back in full swing. Anything is better than an angry, irritable, antisocial person. 

Posted on:
Tue, 29/08/2017 - 13:02

Cynical wife

Joined:
2015-06-23

Bust, probably. Such has been my experience.

BW,

CW

Posted on:
Wed, 30/08/2017 - 09:20

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

Living with an addict, well what can I say. There was some progress an apology, a few days peace. The 'teens' were away over weekend so that's why so peaceful. They're back!! My cg and daughter don't see eye to eye. He's so insensitive winding her up, tormenting her. She's so angry at him that sparks fly and off they go. He doesn't listen, doesn't care how anyone else feels. So I have him throwing a tantrum 'don't talk to me, I'm going to my room' slamming doors. Then I've got her sobbing 'daddy doesn't care how I feel, doesn't care about us'. So that's what it's like. I try and make peace, try and make him face reality, make him deal with this, make him talk. You have to learn when to pick your moments, don't fuel the fire, talk when it's calm. The thing that annoys me is that he doesn't see the emotional damage. He doesn't care, removes himself so he doesn't face it. So they talk, calm down. He says he can't deal with it emotionally. It never crosses his mind that maybe we can't deal with it either. There's no appreciation that we are here putting up with this. So today all will be calm, everyone on their best behaviour. 

Posted on:
Wed, 30/08/2017 - 09:59

ODAAT

Joined:
2014-11-10

You're treading on egg shells MGR & it's crazy that your daughter is voicing concerns that you must be having?  What is he giving you or the kids that's worth hanging round for?  I know you are @ Gamanon but have you ever had any counselling?  From the outside looking in neither he nor his family are giving you something a healthy relationship requires, respect.  Why would you expect appreciation from him when it seems he can't even look you in the eye & be honest.  You deserve more than hoping for everyone to be on their best behaviour!  

I left home @ 14, I thought to be with my Aunt (great Aunt actually & she was) but the reality, looking back, is, although there wasn't physical violence, the chaos of addiction was doing my head in!  I am a compulsive gambler, there's no getting away from that but there's also no way of getting away from how cold I am...I spent so long forming relationships with inanimate objects (machines) that I don't know how to bond with humans.  There's more than your marriage vows @ stake here & I could cry for your daughter because perhaps if someone had loved me enough to get help, I might not be this bitter & twisted now.  I understand you don't want to leave him but you really do deserve more!

Posted on:
Wed, 30/08/2017 - 11:07

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

Hi odaat I hear you. More what though? He can't be that person overnight. He's unfeeling because that's his coping mechanism. I've had therapy all they want you to talk about is your childhood. I've spent my life walking on eggshells not upsetting my mother, putting up with an absent father who just feels sorry for himself now he's 80 living 6000 miles away from us. We all make bad choices. My cg and my daughter need to learn to deal with each other. They need to be nice. He's also bipolar 2. She's bullied at school. We've all got baggage. I don't believe walking away and causing more misery heartache and lining the pockets of a solicitor is what I want. When I did have therapy they told me it was pointless unless he changed. He's had therapy all he talked about was work. It's not madness everyday. That's just a snapshot of their arguments. This is a place for me to talk. Is it really better for us all to walk away? It might be worse. Nobody knows. Whether e stay together or not my daughters father will always be a compulsive gambler. That's a tough call. They're going out today to spend time together. That's all she wants.

Posted on:
Wed, 30/08/2017 - 16:07

ODAAT

Joined:
2014-11-10

Although I'm gobsmacked that you say she needs to "be nice" this isn't my fight so I will wish you well & leave you in peace.

Posted on:
Wed, 30/08/2017 - 16:37

ALAN 135

Joined:
Before 2009

The problem is that none of this situation , His Gambling, Your feeling's , your husbands behaviour and the way He and your daughter clash has happened overnight has it ? and none of it will be put right in the blink of an eye .

Each thing or issue that's going on is complex in it's own right but then manifests as it gathers the Ripple effect throughout the family circle , it's so intertwined that it's difficult to know where to begin untangleing it all . 

Maybe it's a question of dealing with the one thing that causes greatest concern first and work your way down the list ? .

Your right that we all have " Issues and " Baggage " that needs to be dealt with but you can only tackle one thing at a time ! 

Posted on:
Thu, 31/08/2017 - 10:04

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

Accept not judge. Change the things you do and say. Look for the positive. Stop putting someone down, don't criticise. Stop arguing, talk. Listen. There are relationships torn apart by gambling. A gambler not willing to stop. We are powerless waiting for rock bottom. So when they don't gamble today that's a massive achievement, fighting the habit, changing daily routines. That's what everybody wants. I applaud that. I don't believe in berating someone everyday after. There are many who wish their partner had stayed, many who wish they had left. Either way support is what they are after. 

Posted on:
Sat, 02/09/2017 - 06:48

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

Watching the sun come up, in the car, dj says. 'on his way back from the casino'! Someone calls into a radio stn on the way back, will I guess he's proud of it! Tried to watch tennis on Thursday had to turn it off, too many ads for gambling. So a constant reminder. Saw my sister last night, she wanted to talk, I told her last week back to GA and gamanon. I lost my cardigan and someone handed it in. So there is some good out there! Off to MIL this evening, wonder if she'll want to talk?

Posted on:
Sun, 03/09/2017 - 10:44

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

No she didn't. Neither did I . I'm the one not brave enough to broach the subject or spoil her day. I have been 'shutdown' many times in the past for talking about things she doesn't want to. Went out to eat, sat at opposite ends of the table. Back to hers, tv on immediately. Sat there showing my cg how many sports channels she has and how much it costs. I won't mention the tv company I think they are corrupt and just as bad as anyone else at taking advantage of gamblers, making money from advertising. Anyway she then spent the rest of the evening texting someone, her phone jangling every 10 minutes. Dysfunctional evening. My daughter kept looking at me, we have eye conversations, raised eyebrows!! What must she think?

Anyway my grandma's birthday today, thinking of her. The smell of Welsh cakes, sausage rolls always in her house when we arrived. Teaching me to knit dishcloths on wooden needles! She lived to 94. I have her handwritten recipe book, recipes my cg loves. I found out my grandfather was a gambler. He fell out with my uncle, at the time it was because of a silly argument! I didn't really get it, I loved both my uncle and my grandfather, it was sad. My grandfather died and they never made up, my uncle got to the hospital just before he went, but he wasn't conscious. My uncle regretted that for a long time. This was 30 odd years ago. My mum asked him what they fell out over, apparently my grandfather was a cg. My uncle wouldn't give him anymore money and they never spoke again. My grandma adored my grandfather, I have no idea if she knew. There is a family book bound in black leather the first page is a roulette wheel and all the slots are faces of my grandfathers family, his father, uncle, step mother  etc. One of them broke the bank of Monte Carlo. I have no idea whether they died rich or poor. But how strange. My uncle has the book, I think there were a few copies. He has many tales of when they visited their grandparents. Women who live with cgs, my grandma and me.

Posted on:
Mon, 04/09/2017 - 08:51

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

Talked with my mum about my grandparents. Apparently my grandma did know he was a gambler, sounds like it ran through the whole family.

Posted on:
Tue, 05/09/2017 - 08:01

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

I can't believe what I'm reading. Yet another gambler thinks it's ok to lie to his wife and ask his parents to pay his debt, not hundreds but thousands. Not one of the longer serving members replies, admin is nowhere to be seen. I question what gamcare is about. Listening to that clueless man from the gambling commission on the radio yesterday. 'If you're an addict stay out of the betting shops, don't gamble' 'the numbers of problem gamblers has plateaued ' . It beggars belief. The whole scenario of a compulsive gambler is to be secretive, to lie, to hide. GA is anonymous. So if I start swearing and ranting gamcare can delete me. So how many cgs have they deleted? That's not help. That's just playing lip service to the industry. I heard that CEO of whatever quote 'gamcare'. I don't see gamcare talking to any of these people. I don't see improvement from counselling. I see relapse. I see wise comments from members who attend GA. I see people helping themselves and others. This forum could be anywhere. When I called gamcare, the guy told me 'well you seem to know what to do, I'll let you go!' Dismissed! Well as I can tell no one is reading or commenting on this, not that I'm doing it for that, but what is gamcare doing? Do people in the gambling industry that make millions from the whole population, understand what compulsive gambling means? Do they understand addiction? Of course they do, that's why they design the games, machines, etc the way they do. They want it to be addictive. They send begging letters asking you to come back when you stop. It's corrupt and it's bordering on theft. Playing on people's weaknesses. 

Posted on:
Tue, 05/09/2017 - 09:40

Abstainer

Joined:
2017-05-10

I don't suppose people ever know what makes families tick , it can all become a little hazy .

Recently I was spending time with relatives on my fathers side , he by the way was a master mariner who lost 2 houses and 2 wives to gambling , he died a sad bitter man with no real friends . I noticed with suprise that people spoke fondly about him at the funeral , maybe just observing niceties . At the recent family gathering talk turned to my grandfather , with a smile someone fondly recounted the day grandad died , as she did every day grandma had put his bets on that morning and by a strange twist of fate his horses came in that day , quite an amusing anecdotal story . Nobody mentioned earlier times in the marriage when he would lose all his wages gambling , how he would come home drunk demanding a hot meal than throw it at the wall . I suppose families often live in denial as a coping mechanism or maybe it's just sweeping unpleasantries under the carpet . Sorry if I've rambled on a bit but it did seem pertinent to your posts ....stephen

Posted on:
Tue, 05/09/2017 - 10:54

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

Thank you Stephen for your comments. Everything around compulsive gambling is secretive it's attached to shame. I've seen pics of my grandfather drunk trying to carve the Sunday roast. The first GA meeting was in 1957 in Los Angeles, so there wasn't really any help for our grandparents. Online is going to be the downfall of our society. Encouraging secrets, enabling.

Posted on:
Wed, 06/09/2017 - 08:02

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

Deep breath before I write this. So when I found out about my cgs gambling I didn't understand, didn't have a clue where to go, looked to my father in law. Second time my husband went to GA and a member said his wife would come the week after and talk to me. We sat in the back, the smokers room. I wrote letters to head office and got literature, read all I could. I called gamcare. I would have loved this forum but I never found it. So for those that don't know, step 12 is 'carry this message to others'. So that's what a forum to me is about. When we come here we're desperate, desperate to talk, to help, to recover, to learn. So I'm conflicted, why? Maybe it's disbelief, maybe it's just plain anger. Or maybe it's just ... but really if you come here for help, take it with both hands. Deleting posts? Is that sticking your head back in the sand? It now looks like we were talking to ourselves. So you got a little advice and left. I know sadly from experience that it doesn't work like that. It will come back at you because the addiction doesn't only take the addict, it drags everyone close down that whirlpool too.     Anyway today is my day, I'm still reading 'tails I lose' he's just about to be found out. It's giving me a view from the other side. The lies, the panic, the thrill, the self loathing, the desperation, the continuing, the destruction. The reality!    It's a beautiful day, sun is shining! 

Posted on:
Thu, 07/09/2017 - 08:14

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

I'm watching the news, the hurricane Irma, Jose is coming behind. Devastation of a real physical kind. 'Pie gate ' betting on eating a pie! I ask myself are the bookies desperate to make a market for that. It's everywhere you turn, adverts, news, newspapers, radio. In the book he's recovering, step 9. He made amends, wrote letters. If you don't go to GA do you still work the steps? Do you make amends? Do you work on being a better person? I sent an email to the Gambling Commission, you get an automated reply, 20 days for real person response and they don't respond to individuals! Another invisible moment.   I'm making my first homemade dress, I'm trying anyway! 

Posted on:
Thu, 07/09/2017 - 15:12

Amom

Joined:
2014-10-09

Hi MGR... I am so sorry for all the frustrations, anger, and sadness that compulsive gambling has brought into your life... I hear you and although it is my son not my spouse I can totally relate. It's that feeling of "this will never end". I agree it is frustrating because I know in reality this isn't a quick & easy fix for anybody... it doesn't just go away because you have decided "never again". 

I haven't read the book Tails I Lose but watched a You Tube of him speaking at a church. He was a very powerful (and handsome:) ) speaker. Maybe I will give the book a go.

Good luck with the dress!

Cathyx

Posted on:
Thu, 07/09/2017 - 16:01

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

Hi Cathy don't be sorry. My life is good I just get frustrated. Dress is scary, trying not to make mistakes, this is practice one! Book is easy read, really interesting once he gets gambling.  Thanks for your thoughts, support is always great.

Posted on:
Fri, 08/09/2017 - 09:07

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

'The best things in life are free' playing on the radio! So there you go, that's reality. Unfortunately no ones listening. On reading diaries and constant new threads of same person ( not anyone in particular) . Experienced cgs offering help , they asked for help and advice, they ignore them, relapse, make excuses and then they tell the experienced cgs they're negative.  Reality is this, if you lie you will get found out. If you confess now you might get help and stop. If you continue the lie when you confess that person you hold so dear, will know you continued. They will know you  fooled and deceived them and caused more and more damage. Not only financial damage but emotional damage to a relationship that will never recover. There is never a good time other than perhaps NOW! Reasons for gambling? What are you looking for? More excuses? Boredom, stress, emotions, inability to cope,...... the list is endless. You are an addict. In the beginning that's all you need to know, if you feed your habit you feed the addict. You have to admit, confess, surrender. It's not easy, but from what I see it's easier with real life help.

 

Posted on:
Fri, 08/09/2017 - 10:30

[email protected]

Joined:
2014-12-31

Thumbs up

Posted on:
Sat, 09/09/2017 - 08:57

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

So I finished my book, 'there but for the grace of god go I ' is a saying my husband and I have said sometimes coming from our meeting. It's a saying in the book. I'm not religious by any means but it is appropriate and comforting at times. We have to be grateful for what we have. Stop chasing unachievable things. Things could be worse. They say looking at yourself and listing  your own faults is the hardest. I think too much, I take things far too personally, I take on others problems, I'm lazy, easily distracted. I told one of my oldest friends yesterday, we were at college together and met up again about 6 years ago. She's lived abroad the last 4/5 years and is back. We were in a cafe talking about her falling out with a friend. I have lost many friends over the years and I was trying to explain why. I said I'd confided in people and they withdrew from me. She wanted to know, she is my dear friend and she wanted me to confide in her. I could barely get the words out, I faltered, I cried. Then I just said **s a cg! The ground didn't swallow me up, but I feel it's a risk. It's what happens now that will decide if I made the right choice. But do you know what it's honesty, it's part of my recovery, I'm not hiding it anymore.

Posted on:
Sun, 10/09/2017 - 08:05

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

It's the most beautiful morning, sun shining! Finished my dress apart from hem! I can't believe I did it without unpicking. Both sleeves in first time! So onto a new fabric, same pattern. The first was practice for this, my sister gave me for my birthday. Going out later for my daughter's birthday. New book 'the beautiful dead' sounds like fun!

Posted on:
Sun, 10/09/2017 - 10:02

Abstainer

Joined:
2017-05-10

Morning merry go round . It is indeed a beautiful day , may I wish you a happy time celebrating your daughters birthday . I admire your appreciation of the beauty that surrounds us all ,  also your spirited response to adversity is heartwarming . Sadly your anguish and anger at the unnecessary suffering man creates seems to cause you a lot of pain .

It's always been like this ' man's inhumanity to man ' , it knows no bounds . I just read that on this day in 1349 ' Jews who survived a massacre in Constance Germany were burned to death ' , I suppose it's human nature .

On a brighter note might I suggest reading the famous poem 'Desiderata ' which can be uplifting . The closing lines read ; With all its sham , drudgery and broken dreams it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful, strive to be hsppy .

Posted on:
Mon, 11/09/2017 - 07:57

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

My problem is letting go. I'm so frustrated by people ignoring advice, each other, problems. If you're asking advice why ignore it? Making excuse? If you have a partner why do you ignore them? make devastating decisions that will affect them? lie, be secretive? The problem gets bigger, you feed it your lies. Ignoring your partner on gadgets, watching sport, goalkeepers eating pies, playing games. I too am guilty of this as no one is talking to me. Another addiction! My cg read me a poem if you can call it that, called 'addiction'. I've tried to google it and found lots more! 'I wish you death' is what stuck in my mind! Anyway another day another argument started over nothing, I have to talk it out, he wants to ignore it. I said to him no point stopping gambling if you don't change. He's done 100 days now he needs to work on himself. He has to make the effort. Don't say something behind someone's back that you're not prepared to say to their face. It will make you stop and think about what you're saying. It's a work in progress. There's no point giving up gambling if your life doesn't improve and that comes from within. 

Posted on:
Tue, 12/09/2017 - 08:57

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

September 11, 2001. That was the day, markets crashed. So 16 years on, the rollercoaster has stopped for today. My daughters 15 today, that's all her life. Think on young gamblers. Meeting was great lots of tears and laughter. Let's hope it helped someone. It helps me. I sewed the back on the wrong way, 1 minutes sewing, 20 mins unpicking! So much for practice. Rushing! 'Man in the mirror' was in the radio going to meeting. 'Make that change' 'I'm starting with the man in the mirror'. Go for it, make the change!

Posted on:
Wed, 13/09/2017 - 08:41

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

Just sent my 17 year old off to a new college, I feel anxious for him, going on the train, first day, don't know anyone! A new start!    Victoria Derbyshire yesterday gambling at uni. Director of the gambling commission Ben haden. Couple of students at GA meeting.  What chance is there starting them off so young. Gambling responsibly, what is that? What is the enjoyment in loss? There are very few who never gamble, few who do it once win, walk away. It's designed to be addictive, how can they not see that it will cause destruction? Anyway that's another discussion. I'm busy hopefully finish my sewing project, sleeves!!

Posted on:
Wed, 13/09/2017 - 18:04

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

There's a list in the front of the book, a list of how gambling affects you. Maybe 20 questions. 'Have you ever sold something of value to gamble?' (not exact words). My cg wrote 'watch for my 40th from mum and dad'. I didn't know this, he left the book open on the windowsill! That makes me sad, his dad is dead now. It was expensive. I asked him when he came in from work, when did he sell it? 18 months ago for £70! 

Posted on:
Thu, 14/09/2017 - 08:12

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

Would I change things? Would I have taken a different path? No, if I could see today 18 years ago I would choose this path. We have 2 beautiful teenagers. We have had many difficulties not just gambling. I am grateful for today. That's all that matters.

Posted on:
Thu, 14/09/2017 - 15:19

Amom

Joined:
2014-10-09

:) :) :)

Cathyx

Posted on:
Fri, 15/09/2017 - 08:20

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

Thx Cathy x.   So I watched the documentary on 'pokies' poker machines. The dopamine, the rat, the machine, the brain. One woman said it 'soothed her'. It's all brain washing. From the casino to the government to the addict. Shows how gambling is rigged, you can only lose. That's entertainment? I'd rather do a jigsaw, really. Got to do my hem. I slightly adjusted sleeves to be longer and added a belt, so I'm really pleased with myself. What shall I do next?

Posted on:
Sat, 16/09/2017 - 08:32

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

I saw 2 magpies this morning playing dodge the car. I take my cg to work Saturday mornings at 6:15! Lucky me! I saw a clip from BBC news this week, breakfast, can't remember which day. It popped up on my news feed, just a short clip of a couple talking about their son. £50k debt, his note said 'addiction is cruel'. He was cg! He had nowhere to turn, sad news. One life is too many. I finished my dress, now I need new project. 

Posted on:
Sat, 16/09/2017 - 09:01

Abstainer

Joined:
2017-05-10

Adult Education classes are all just starting up. I'm starting a 10 week creative writing course tuesday which should be fun. Not gambling means I can afford it. so thats another finger up to the addiction.

Enjoy your posts which are usually quite interesting ...stephen 

Posted on:
Sun, 17/09/2017 - 09:07

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

Thx Stephen (usually)? So today is my mum's 81st birthday. She is a true matriarch. She has held me together from 3 when my father left to today. She has seen her 2 girls go through many difficult and close to death experiences. She has also experienced that with her grandson. She is always there working all hours when we were growing up, looking after us as adults when we've been ill. She used to sit under the stairs knitting during the air raid! 'If I'm here next year!' Is her saying! So off to my sister's for tea and cake! New library book (stopped the beautiful dead) 'did you see melody?'. So many things to do, so little time. Ordered new fabric for 'c' table decs, I know couldn't help myself, and some for clothes! Tut tut!

Posted on:
Mon, 18/09/2017 - 08:13

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

Monday comes around all too soon. I read that blog Phil 'is addiction a disease?'. It intrigues me, my cg's sister had a shopping problem and couldn't have credit cards when I met him, she's also obsessed with cleaning. My cg thinks you can retrain your brain. So is it all learned behaviour? It's definitely reinforced behaviour because you keep repeating. I might look for the book in the library. So retrain for pleasure, a new pastime that brings same feelings? 'Maybe I'm addicted ' by Enrique inglesias and 'my recovery ' by James Arthur was blaring in the house yesterday morning. My cg is another who loves music and words reach out to him. Wore my dress!! Everyone shocked I could make it! A friend has asked for one too! Makes ya feel good! 

Posted on:
Mon, 18/09/2017 - 08:43

Cynical wife

Joined:
2015-06-23

I found "Women who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood and "Facing Codependency" by Pia Mellody worthwhile if difficult reading. 

Addiction doesn't come from nowhere.

CW

Posted on:
Tue, 19/09/2017 - 08:00

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

Thanks CW I may have read that years ago. I've read 'codependent no more' and 'the dance of anger' which was really good. 'Prozac nation' was another. There's loads out there! Had an hysterical meeting, literally. I was asked to read 'yesterday today and tomorrow' I think it was called. There was a line 'tomorrow I will wake up with a satisfying glow' as you can imagine lots of comments. 'That'll be the menopause', etc. Anyway very funny! No one read the 12 steps. We always talk on the way home, there's normally chat about how busy it was or wasn't, did they come back? So last night was confession time, remembering his bad behaviour, how even though I had the finances he could still get loans to gamble by keeping bank accounts open. It's unbelievable how without any salary going into an account you can get credit. Winnings pay off loans when that's run out, another loan. I felt sick, anxious. It is totally alien to me. I was brought up by single mum, wore hand me down clothes. You certainly didn't spend money you didn't have and you didn't have a loan. The world is so different now and I'm not 100! He also talked about ruining friendships. Disappearing to gamble, being annoyed by people, noise. 'They were in my way'. I can't imagine, but it must be similar despair when you hear that confession. How? How do we pay the bills? how do we move forward? I am grateful for today, I'm grateful for my meeting. The people in that group are all trying to help each other. They are all acknowledging what's wrong. Last night everyone was happy even if it was for just that hysterical moment! And Stephen 'the chair' asked me and another to read 'desiderata'! Fate!

Posted on:
Wed, 20/09/2017 - 08:04

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

No books in the library about compulsive behaviour other than OCD and smoking! Are we addicted to our smart phones? Probably! I see cgs are constantly talking about money lost, getting money back. I think that we would be better focussing on behaviour. Change what you do. If your struggling at certain times of day do something else, set yourself a task. Look at 'Abstainer', dance class, swim. Do something for someone else. Just stopping isn't enough, you have to change behaviour then you won't be sitting there missing   your destructive behaviour. Action speaks louder than words. Be proactive not self pitying. We need to put the gadgets down, turn the tv off. I know, it's tough, I'm sat here with my phone!

Posted on:
Thu, 21/09/2017 - 07:30

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

Can I just say, I don't want to butt into conversations between cgs, and I feel most cgs don't read this. I guess feelings are we don't get it. So this is my view, cgs aren't addicted to winning, some have said money has nothing to do with it. The brain is addicted to the anticipation and the dopamine. So you constantly go back, the winning and losing are almost irrelevant. It's anticipation. So you need to find something that fulfills the same feelings. Just stopping isn't enough. So if you can't get someone to look after your money what do you do? That's a barrier but as proved by my cg not foolproof. So you have to change, change behaviour. Any small thing will help. You are going to feel withdrawal. You are going to feel the desire so you have to anticipate it. If you start looking at yourself and finding out what is going on? Why? What happened? Or what didn't? What can't I deal with? These things will help you. No one said it would be easy. It has to come from you. Talking constantly about what you used to do keeps the fire burning, fuels desire. Action and change. Instant messaging, forum in the dark ages. This has to be controlled. If there were instant messaging can you imagine? You have to train your brain to think of other things. Don't just sit there saying how much you miss it. You have to physically do something else. I'm exasperated! Invisible! Really?

Posted on:
Thu, 21/09/2017 - 08:56

Smashed

Joined:
2017-08-13

Hi MGR, I said this forum is dated because it is, i've grown up with the the evoulution of the internet, and communication moves forward, this forum is a Nokia 3310 still works but its no iPhone 8, I said IM because you can relate to some more than others on here, you dont have to read or even reply to an IM but some stories relate to yours more than others and some good posts get lost by the same old same old posts.

Your the wife of a CG and your doing a lot of reading and trying to figure it out, your last post is an example. But you only know if you've been there and not a small loss a very destructive loss to what that truly feels like within, I'm trying to understand it myself, hence why I came here in the first place. You learn everday you get to know the folks you think might be following the same path as you and you wanna keep them all focused and staying on the path, some will fall off as I for one cannot see the end of the path. I dont feel sorry for myself, I done it I have to be responsible for my own actions, I want to never gamble again but the switch is like the cube in hellraiser its hard to decipher, but I'm finding looking into the valley of the beast and educating myself on gambling and addictions a positive way to rid my demons and live a gamble free life.

PS: I read your posts :-]

Posted on:
Thu, 21/09/2017 - 11:08

Lethe

Joined:
2016-12-10

Hi MGR

Agree with the point about the other side of the forum thinking we don't get it. To be fair, they are right. In mitigation and personally speaking I don't want to get it. I don't think it's in my interests to get it and that's why I value Mr L's attendance at GA.

I also think an awful lot (not all) of the 'other side' don't want to hear from us because it brings them face to face with the effect they've had/are having on their families in quite a raw way. Isn't going to stop me butting in if I want to though ;)

Posted on:
Thu, 21/09/2017 - 11:39

ALAN 135

Joined:
Before 2009

Hi MGR :)).

Your right about CG's not being " Addicted to winning " .We may feel it's about the money initially maybe wanting to supplement your income a little but once the gambling crosses that line and becomes " Compulsive " all we want is the "Rush" it bring's and " Win or Lose " doesnt really come into it other than if we do manage to get some of our lost money back which allows us to carry on gambling . When I first came here I placed a lot of emphasis on the whole " Being better off " since stopping thing but as I've changed as a person over the last couple of years I've come to realise the money is t. he least of the problem

Change has to be made with most aspects of our lives , we have to address underlying issues that whilst in the grip of addiction were well and truly swept under the carpet but through this change comes a far better way of life , one where not only are we true to ourselves for once but to those around us that mean the most .

I alway's read all the post's from the F and F side as for me it offers a great insight into what we as Cg's cause and the place wouldn't be the same withought all of your input , so keep posting :))

All the best

Alan .    

Posted on:
Thu, 21/09/2017 - 13:54

Dean0

Joined:
2017-09-14

Hi

I think you’ll find you probably have a huge following. The site is kinda set up for the them and us way, where as is should be a shared platform. It’s kinda cool that you made the jump into the recovery section. I don’t know why more don’t there’s more interaction this side. Lethe maybe right some probably don’t want to hear it.  When gambling you don’t really see the pain caused to other people it’s more me,me,me  I believe we can learn from each other. Us learning the effects it has on those around us from you and you learning what it’s like to be us.  

You’re definitely right when you say you have to be proactive. The old saying nothing changes  if nothing changes.  Change doesn’t mean coming to this site every day it’s your whole lifestyle that has to change that’s key to beating addiction. Blocks and money restrictions are all good but if you do it right you simply won’t need them.

Thanks for sharing and enjoy the rest of your day

Fletch

Posted on:
Fri, 22/09/2017 - 07:45

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

Good morning to my followers, omg that made me laugh and feel strange. Thank you for reading and commenting, I like discussion, I'm not offended by differences of opinion. I know I'm a thorn in some sides, but that's me. My cg hates and loves me for it. I had a really good day, a friend called, the one I'd told a few weeks ago. I bought some fabric, black kind of tartan/check thinking skirt or dress. My daughter wants it! Make me a skirt. Delivery of Christmas fabric and dress fabric (I know nuts) to make another dress or top, she wants that too! This could be mini industry here! Waiting for the patterns and then I'm going to get started. It's bizarre how excited I am. A new project, sewing machine for my birthday and it has changed me. Action!

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