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A life with out chaos

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#1 Posted on:
Tue, 07/02/2017 - 15:35

Phoenix67

Joined:
2016-03-31

Hi. The last time I posted was to say that my son had stolen from his girlfriend yet again but this time she had gone to the police. There was the usual drama when caught he was sorry, going to get help etc etc, heard it all many times before. The last we heard was they were gathering evidence and as far as we know nothing more has came of it. For a week or two he seemed a little better in himself although never did any of the things he said he would for recovery and never showed any real remorse, I think he was upset he got caught and nothing more. He's gradually been declining again, and after all this time we knew he was only going to get worse. For the last few months he's became even more remote, we were like strangers living in the same house. There wasn't any arguments and we tried to keep family life normal and when our other son stayed for a few weeks we hoped that maybe that would make him a little less remote, it didn't. A few weeks ago I caught him in his brothers room, it was a mess and obvious he'd looking for something. He gave a ridiculous excuse and had no reason to be in that room. At first thought have to put a lock on another bedroom door, and then something clicked in my head and I thought no, not doing this any more. Weve thrown him out several times, last time a year ago it was for 6 months and it was dreadful hated every second of it but we'd not been left with any other choice. We told him he could come home and now we're back to square one, again. He was told to leave and will not see him again, said that last year but something feels different this time. I can't bare another day of living with a cg even he's my son, love him to bits but he's an addict. He doesn't want recovery and that's his choice but it's my choice to live a better life and if that means with out him I've accepted that. 

 

Posted on:
Tue, 07/02/2017 - 16:13

Loxxie

Joined:
2016-01-15

Sorry to hear nothing has changed love...it won't ....untill your son wants it to....
So......as hard as it is for a mum to do....you must put yourself first now...you can't do anything to help him hun untill he decides he's ready for change.....
Sorry I can't say anything posative to help. ....just wanted you to know someone heard your distress......take care.....x

Posted on:
Tue, 07/02/2017 - 16:54

Amom

Joined:
2014-10-09

So sorry to hear. Just keep doing what your gut tells you. There is no easy way thru this is there?

My son hit his 1 year gamble free and then went on a month long gambling binge complete with all the trimmings (lies, denial,manipulation)... it's heartbreaking:(. Each time we deal with it we do become stronger and more sure of ourselves though don't we? Thats why I titled my thread "It's a journey"... right about now I could add a few colorful adjectives to describe that journey.

Give yourself a hug and know that you are a good person, a good mom who is doing the very best she can.

Peace and love

Cathyx

Posted on:
Wed, 08/02/2017 - 07:38

Cynical wife

Joined:
2015-06-23

Sorry to hear it, Ann, but I'd agree that fitting another lock helps no one. One of the GamAnon slogans is to detach with love. He can fix him if that what he chooses to do it. 

Take care of you.

CW

Posted on:
Wed, 08/02/2017 - 10:12

Phoenix67

Joined:
2016-03-31

Thank you. Loxxie I know we've done everything possible to help him and don't feel the slightest bit of guilt that we could if done more or tried harder, I used to but not any more.  Amom how awful Im so sorry to hear there's been more heartache for, it must feel like the rug has been pulled from under you.Has your son got back on track ?. We know recovery isn't a straight line and I think with a set back you learn something from it and are hopefully stronger for it. You're right I think with each new drama that comes along it hurts less, I'm not the hysterical mess I was a year ago and I know I'll be ok now. Remember what you've said to me so many times, be kind to yourself xxx. Cynical Wife thank you, you're right no lock is going to fix this, the only person who can fix this is my son and it's obvious he doesn't want to. It was such a strange moment when I thought no more, it was literally like someone turned the light on and I knew I'd had enough. I got a message from this morning saying he's coming for his things next week, he's still as nasty as ever and of course we're bad parents etc, I don't react any more his insults don't affect me in the least. His things will be on the drive waiting for him, and I won't be home. 

Posted on:
Wed, 08/02/2017 - 11:32

ITDamo

Joined:
2016-01-26

So sorry to hear all this Phoenix....as sad it is you are doing the right thing.

Sending my love.

Damo

Posted on:
Wed, 08/02/2017 - 12:36

Phoenix67

Joined:
2016-03-31

Thank you Damo. The only positive I have with is for the first time I don't doubt myself, I know we have done the right thing for us and him. Maybe one day he'll see it that way too 

Posted on:
Wed, 08/02/2017 - 14:10

ODAAT

Joined:
2014-11-10

How sad that you've had to desensitise :-(  But, I couldn't agree more, living like a prisoner in your own home isn't acceptable & as always, I hope this is his light bulb moment.  I have no idea how you have found the strength to say 'no' & I continue to be amazed by you & all the loved ones on here, helping us through your pain.  Not my usual thing but sending you a cyber hug from one little girl to a mummy who I would be proud to call my own ((Phoenix))

Posted on:
Wed, 08/02/2017 - 15:00

Phoenix67

Joined:
2016-03-31

Thank you Odatt  x

Posted on:
Wed, 08/02/2017 - 17:26

Bee Jay

Joined:
2016-01-28

So sad to read this I was hoping when you had not posted in a while that things were improving. Big hug it could be any of us mums.x

Posted on:
Fri, 17/02/2017 - 08:15

Cynical wife

Joined:
2015-06-23

How are you?

CW

Posted on:
Sat, 18/02/2017 - 10:01

Forum admin

Joined:
2010-11-01

 

Hello Phoenix67

Welcome back to the forum 

I’m sorry to hear how difficult the situation is for you and your family at this time. Problem gambling and the loss of trust you describe that comes with problem gambling can put a great strain on relationships. It looks like you have some great support here from other forum members and if you need to talk we are here on the helpline from 8am –midnight every day. The contact number is Freephone 0808 8020 133 advisers will listen to your concerns.

There is also other support for family and friends of problem gamblers with Gam Anon groups that you may find helpful  here is a link for information. http://gamanon.org.uk/?page_id=8

There is also counselling available free to you, your son and other family members and services are across the UK. Helpline advisers will be able to support  you with contacting your nearest service.http://www.gamcare.org.uk/support-and-counselling/free-counselling   

Keep posting we are here to support you. 

Take care

Forum admin  

Posted on:
Sat, 18/02/2017 - 10:49

Phoenix67

Joined:
2016-03-31

Hi Cynical Wife. I have ok days and some are just awful but I guess that's to be expected. I can be inconsolable on day and the next feel hugely relieved but then the guilt kicks in, and  I feel like the worlds worst mum for having such a thought. I miss him dreadfully, but don't have any doubts that we made the right decision. 

Posted on:
Sat, 18/02/2017 - 16:16

Amom

Joined:
2014-10-09

I'm sorry that things are still tough for you. Just to reiterate (sp) none of this has anything to do with you. In fact doing what you are is the hardest thing AND you are doing it out of love for your son.

I felt like I had come such a long way and then after a year gamble free my son relapsed and I was right back to day 1 too. The anger, sadness, why him, why me, self pity blah blah blah :). The positive was this was very short lived and was able to get myself back to the land of the living much quicker... and for that small mercy I am so grateful.

I hope you start having more ok days .((( Hugs))) to you.

Cathyx

 

 

Posted on:
Tue, 29/08/2017 - 14:39

Amom

Joined:
2014-10-09

Hi Phoenix

I think of you often and wonder how you are doing. I am still on the roller coaster. Some days I can hold on but some days I just want to jump. So very tiring.

If you feel like it let us know how you are. If you don't feel like it know worries:)

Cathyx