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Just found out husband has an addiction

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#1 Posted on:
Sun, 17/06/2018 - 05:56

Anon93

Joined:
2018-06-17

I found out a couple of months ago my husband of 24 years has been gambling for years.

I always knew he liked a little bet on sky bet etc i was never happy and we opened a joint account do I could see where the money was going. That was until I found a credit card bill for almost £5000.

I'm sure you all know the feelings I felt that morning. My husband was already at work so we couldn't talk. I went to work as usual heartbroken and unable to function. I didn't at this point know it was gambling.

He confessed that night after I confronted him. And told me he had two cards. These were both demanding full and final payment. He used one to bet with and one to pay the other off. He begged and pleaded with me to give him a second chance.

Foolishly I did, I thought I had taken control. Only allowed him Access to our joint account and he had to ask for cash from that. He refused counseling insisting that the thought of losing everything was all he needed to get through this and he could control it.

I took out a bank loan and repaid his cards. I thought this was the end of it and we could work through it and move on. With access to cash how could he continue. I felt like I was treating him like a child and this was really hard for me. I used the little savings we had and booked us a holiday hoping to salvage our marriage.

Things had been looking up, that was until I found a bank statement on Friday. My father is housebound and my husband had always controlled his finances. With this in mind I had removed this responsibility from him when I discovered the truth. The bank statement was in my husbands name showing payments to betting companies then transfers from my father's account! I was absolutely devastated!

Again when he arrived home I confronted him, he told a good tale but the more I questioned the more it all seemed wrong. He promised he hadn't been spending it and it was coincidence, that my father had another "secret" account where he transferred the money to so no one could get to it.

Eventually the lie became too much for him, when I requested copies of bank statements or the paying book/card, online login it wasn't there. He confessed he had been using my father's account too. He dealt this blow as I was leaving for work.

When I arrived home from work yesterday I asked him how much he had spent. He didn't know but confessed he had emptied my father's account! I estimate this to be around £6000.

We've now seperated, told the children the truth but not yet my father. I don't know how we can pay him back, I'm now in debt with a loan.ive seem post saying not to bail them out what a fool I was. He gets to walk away free with his salary to himself whilst I struggle by! He knew dad's account details off by heart and had carried on over the last 2 months despite promises that he had stopped and didn't need help.

I've not eaten or slept in the last 48 hours. I've insisted he gets help before we can work this out. His mother is supporting him and will take him to gamanon. There's not even enough to buy my father any shopping this week until his disability benefit goes in. If I had known earlier I could have added to the loan. Not an ideal situation I realise, but we now have them shame of telling him.

Please tell me this gets easier, please tell me how I trust this man again. I begged him at the time to tell me everything. I asked if he had ever dipped into dad's account, he promised he hadn't. I have married a liar and their. I'm so distraught our children who are young adults are very supportive and strong though heartbroken. I don't feel strong enough to deal with this. I'm too ashamed to tell anyone, the only person I can talk to or who would hold me is the person who has destroyed my world.

Posted on:
Sun, 17/06/2018 - 08:07

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

Hi anon I'm sorry to see you here. This isn't your fault. You need to get a plan together. List the things you need to do. Call gamcare and talk. Call stepchange they are a debt charity and can advise about the money. Then you need to sort out your husbands salary. He can't just walk away and pay nothing. This is his debt his mess. He needs to pay all the money back, especially to your father. Unfortunately when you pay a gamblers debt it sets them free to gamble again. I didn't want my husband to leave because then I couldn't see what was going on. Plus I didn't want that. You taking on both debts resolves him of his responsibility which I wouldn't advise. Don't keep secrets, addiction feeds on secrets and lies. He needs to find a GA meeting, you can go to gamanon and learn how to deal with this. That's a place to talk and get support from others in your situation with real life advice. Gamanon is online Sunday nights live chat. At this moment it feels an impossible situation, frightening and you feel desperate. This will pass. Don't make rash decisions in the heat of the moment. Focus on yourself and what you can do. Safeguard the finances, block all his access to your account and your father's. Get credit reports Experian, clear score, etc. Don't ignore this and think it goes away. They are addicts, not bad people.

Posted on:
Sun, 17/06/2018 - 13:29

Anon93

Joined:
2018-06-17

Thank you Merry go round. Your support though I don't know you means alot. I've already taken some of the steps you have suggested I'm just struggling to function at the moment.

One day at a time I guess

Posted on:
Sun, 17/06/2018 - 23:16

Leedsfan333

Joined:
2018-05-30

Hey, thank you for sharing your story. 

My heart absolutely breaks for you, hope he gets the help he badly needs has seen what he will lose if he doesn’t. Just shows looking at it from the other side how our selfish actions can hurt those closest to us.

Hoping for some positive news for you, keep us updated.

Posted on:
Mon, 18/06/2018 - 05:27

Anon93

Joined:
2018-06-17

My husband has finally broken, told me all the truth. Or so he says!

As I checked my father's account I can see it has been going on since 2013. I could see large amounts not little £2-5 bets, and 3-4 times a day. Plus cash withdrawals.

He's told me know there's another 2 cards! He's told me this because I called a day on our marriage. I love I really love him. He's told me he can't lose me.

He's so distraught wants to end his life.

Our children want to sell their possession to help. Our son is 18 next month and I won't be able treat him. He will understand I know but it hurts like hell.

I will be working to help pay all this back and have nothing! Im about to sell all my jewellery etc to start to pay dad back. Some will say it's not my problem but It was father's Day yesterday I couldn't face seeing him!

I have nothing but my 2 beautiful children and granddaughter. Who are so strong but are heartbroken and hurting too. I don't feel strong enough for them.

How does anyone get through this? I'm getting up to go to work. I'm either hysterical or a zombie nothing in between. He was my world the one person who supported me,looked after me, held me!! I'm so alone! So thank you for your kind words! Hopefully the GP can help today.

Posted on:
Mon, 18/06/2018 - 08:11

tunnie123

Joined:
2018-05-28

Good morning Anon, as others have said i really feel for you obviously everyones situation is different and the way you deal with it is completely up to you. I dont knopw your husband but his story sounds very similar to mine. i did some very shameful things including stealing from my partners family [admitidly only £50 which is still no excuse but the point is the same] What i would say is you need to remember is that your husband is not a bad person but gambling can make you do things you never ever thought you would do. this is no me condoning it atall as stealing is not right especialy after i know the feeling. my wife found out 3 separate times i was gambling befor i final stood up and told myself no more. we have now had a year gamble free, paid off our debts and got married in florida. It can be beaten is all im saying. if you have decided to leave and end the marriage that is completely up to you. if you do ever consider giving him another chance make sure he pays off the debt. My wife made me tell her mum i had used her mums money which helped me in my recovery so may you can get your husband to admit to your dad what he has done so he can personally feel the shame?

i do wish you the very best but with great support this demon can be beaten :]

tunnie x

Posted on:
Mon, 18/06/2018 - 08:42

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

Hi anon if you want real life support get yourself to a gamanon meeting. Really it will help. Please don't take on his debts, don't sell your jewellery. This is up to him to sort out. Call stepchange before you make any decisions, please. My son is also 18 in 2 weeks. They know how things are, they don't expect anything. Your husband will only get better if he faces what he has done. Look after you, unfortunately things don't get better overnight. If you pay his debt he is free to gamble. I've done this, they just continue. Your money is for food and bills, not his debt.

Posted on:
Mon, 18/06/2018 - 12:12

Forum admin

Joined:
2010-11-01

Dear Anon93

I am sorry to hear you are going through such a difficult time. As others have kindly suggested you and your husband may access support from the GamCare Helpline on 0808 8020 133 or the Netline here 
http://www.gamcare.org.uk/frontline-services/netline

We can also arrange for free one-to-one counselling. There are also GA
https://www.gamblersanonymous.org.uk/index.php/meetings and GamAnon
http://gamanon.org.uk meetings for peer support.

If your husband is feeling suicidal we recommend that he contacts his GP immediately, calls the Samaritans on 116 123 or contacts Maytree http://maytree.org.uk/  

Best Wishes

Forum Admin

 

 

 

 

 

Posted on:
Mon, 18/06/2018 - 18:24

Compulsive Gambler

Joined:
Before 2009

Anon, I'm really sorry to hear this news.  It must be devestating and I'd just echo the above and urge you to reach out for support, for you. Think about you and your children, put yourselves first.

You call the shots Anon, this next bit is about what you need, what you want.  You don't have to make any other decisions, your husband needs to reach out and get support too but he can do that through gamcare etc

He needs to work out the finances, the plan, he needs to make the calls, have the meetings, he needs to face the consequences of his choices.

That said, you would be well advised to sign up for and into all credit reports, Experian, Noddle etc - there are free versions which should give you what you need, set up alerts that come to you - in both your names, do not trust a word he says, only actions, you need to log into the credit reports - do not trust screenshots or print outs if he shows them to you.

You need to have every log in detail he has, every card, every account, whatever shows on the credit file, you need to have access to - He has not locked, forgotten or lost any of those details - do not believe that.

Arrange for your finances to be seperated, urgently.

And breath, get yourself fully armed with all the information, then take stock, contact stepchange etc for yourself, understand exactly what position you are in.

This is hard and it is not your fault

best wishes

p.s. I am a compulsive gambler so please tack my comments in that vain, the genuine F&F memebers offer far better and more valuable advice for someone in yoru position.

Posted on:
Tue, 19/06/2018 - 10:35

Lethe

Joined:
2016-12-10

Hi

I'm sorry to see this. Mr L conned the kids out of their savings and channelled the funds through my son's bank account behind my back so I know how devastating these discoveries are.

My parents offered to bail him out (again) but I said no. If they're bailed out it gives them a clean slate to carry on as most of us here will have found out to our cost. Mr L contacted Payplan and set up a DMP for the credit he'd taken out (although if you are earning your salary will be taken into account). He delivered fast food at weekends for several years to pay the kids back. It's very easy for us to get consumed with it all but they are your husband's worries and your husband's debts. He's the one who needs to plan what to do about them. Concentrate on you and the children.

Posted on:
Tue, 19/06/2018 - 22:08

Anon93

Joined:
2018-06-17

Feeling a little better today. Husband has sorted a payment plan with the two cards.

We've not tackled dad yet, undecided but have told my sister. I've used what savings we did have to put that into his account. No holiday this summer!

Work have been great with us both, his are paying in holiday so we aren't short because he told his boss everything.

Both been to gp, meds and counseling booked in. Both attending GA meetings on Monday.

Credit report ordered with alert to me and our daughter has called sky and his phone provider to block gambling sites.

Feel like it's massive steps! But still a long long way to go!

Thank you so much all for your support, advice and kind words!

Posted on:
Wed, 20/06/2018 - 18:30

Lethe

Joined:
2016-12-10

Hi

Make sure you check the credit reports for all three agencies. Lenders can vary in which they report to. You can get them all free via Noddle (Callcredit),Clearscore (Experian) and Equifax through MSE's credit club.There are multi operator self exclusion schemes which will SE him from every bookies in a given postcode and it would be a very good idea for him to sign up to Gamstop which is a new scheme blocking UK online betting site registration. Glad you're feeling a bit more positive. Make sure you do some nice things for you.