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Just Found Out

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#1 Posted on:
Thu, 23/11/2017 - 11:13

EllaWillow

Joined:
2017-11-23

Hi

This is my first post and its still all very raw. Two days ago, my partner confessed that he has been gambling. It has now come to light that in the past year hes bet nearly £50,000. Hes lost nearly £20,000 of that.

He says it was just a bit of fun that got out of hand and refuses to admit he has a problem. As far as I know, he isnt in any debt from it. 

I am at a complete loss of what to do. 

Posted on:
Thu, 23/11/2017 - 12:47

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

Hi Ella sorry to see you here, but also it's the right place to ask questions. If he doesn't have a problem why did he confess? You are obviously concerned and that sounds like a lot of money. You haven't really said a lot, so don't really know what to say. Firstly secure your money, nothing joint. Don't pay his share, if he's not in debt shouldn't be a problem. Why do you see this as a problem? It's about you and what you want. I'm presuming it was secretive behaviour? Was it online? There is blocking software to download onto gadgets. If it's casino and bookies, self exclusion. This may be the start of uncovering debt and his denial leads to continuing gambling. Call gamcare and talk to an advisor, get support. Work out what you want. My husband 'liked a bet' when I met him. Wasn't until much later I found out how much. Everyone lied to me and covered it up. Be vigilant, maybe get credit scores to see what's going on. Keep asking questions, there are lots of people on here to help. 

Posted on:
Thu, 23/11/2017 - 14:15

EllaWillow

Joined:
2017-11-23

Hi

We were hoping to move house. For the referencing we needed to provide bank statements - this all came to light when he didn't want to show these. we have a joint account which we both put money in to pay rent and bills. i don't think he is in debt but we were supposed to be savign for a house and i'm so heart broken that he's wasted so much money that could have bought us a home. it was online and on apps and I didn't have a clue he was gambling at all.
He seems to think he can just 'stop' now that I have found out. But I feel so betrayed

Posted on:
Thu, 23/11/2017 - 14:41

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

Hi Ella it's a shock. Waste of time money energy. Betrayal is the hardest. I'm still dealing with that today, 15 years after finding out! So I would take charge of joint account or close it. Get him to give you the money for bills etc. Just to be safe. Are you still able to move forward or are you questioning things? Did your application get refused? These are huge investments in each other as well as financially. You need to be secure. In hindsight I could have taken over finance. These are all things you need to consider. Unfortunately if he doesn't think he has a problem it will be difficult. Don't be afraid to have a few rules. You need complete transparency. If he has nothing to hide he will accept that. You could go to a gamanon meeting and find support for yourself. You know now so don't think it will just get better over night. If he is compulsive he will need to learn he can't gamble at all. Reality is you can't make him stop, he has to do that for himself. 

Posted on:
Thu, 23/11/2017 - 14:45

Amom

Joined:
2014-10-09

Happy to meet you Ella but sorry for the circumstances. Realistically he won't/can't "just stop". MGR has lived this for years so her advice is worth following. Most important do not let this slide and hope it will just go away... it won't. Learn everything you can from these forums/Gamcare/Gam Anon about addiction and how to protect yourself financially. This addiction is very progressive and can get really bad really fast.

I know you feel betrayed but I honestly don't think it is personal. Once that line is crossed where it changes from a bit of fun to an addiction not much else matters but the next bet.

As MGR says ... get lots of support for yourself first. 

Cathyx

 

Posted on:
Thu, 23/11/2017 - 15:11

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

Yes you're right Cathy, not personal at all. It isn't because he doesn't love you. 

Posted on:
Thu, 23/11/2017 - 18:57

Lethe

Joined:
2016-12-10

Hi

Sorry to see this. It's a huge shock when we find out what's been going on but the fact is even though you are reelng you are going to need to act immediately to protect your own interests. That means making sure he can't access any of your accounts or savings including anything in joint names as a priority. As said above he won't be able to 'just stop'. He needs to block his access to gambling (you can help with some aspects of this) then find ways and means to identify and address whatever it is that's driving the compulsion via counselling and GA. Unfortunately if he doesn't accept he has a problem you may meet with resistance to the measures needed and if that's the case, be wary. You can't help him until he wants to be helped. Put your own interests first every time. First step may be to insist on access to his credit reports with all three agencies (all available free via Noddle, Clearscore and Experian through MSE's Credit Club) then access to every account shown on them. You need to know the true extent of any debt before you take on any further financial commitments with him.