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Journey to a redefined life

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#1 Posted on:
Fri, 23/02/2018 - 20:03

merlins

Joined:
2018-02-14

Hi everyone, 

              I left my old thread because I am needing a fresh start. In my old thread, I was talking about my darkest moments and relapses. In here and now, I am going to bury my gambling habit and I want to make it once and for all in my life. Freedom from gambling and demages that gambling produces. 

              After gambling on and off for 17 years, not only I have lost money.. but I have also lost my motivation to live and to enjoy a regular life. Now I am rebuiding my life.. a fresh one from here and now. I will redefine my life.. I will rediscover my motivation to live. However, I am expecting the falls during the process because after a long time I had been stuck in gambling and depression, I started learning to walk again and to live again. If there is a higher power in this universe, God, please give me this second chance to live normal and happy again. I am S E R I O U S.

              And all of you, I will truly appreciate if you visit and drop some kind words or suggestions in the thread that will motivate. 

Posted on:
Fri, 23/02/2018 - 20:35

merlins

Joined:
2018-02-14

Since I am learning to enjoy the regular things... here are the list of things I want to accomplish for today.

1. To send a love song to a girl that I like (It's been so long being single since my last girlfriend. Time to start chasing girls again! lol And I hope it doesn't backfire.)

2. To try to enjoy at work... creating conversations with customers and coworkers.

3. At the end of the day... to hang out with a friend. (It's been very very long I haven't hanged out with friends. My friends are so worried about me as well.)

4. Come back home and enjoy some movies or tv series.

5. To train thinking the losses are for some expense for travel or something

Hope and pray my day goes well for today. I wish me luck!

Posted on:
Sat, 24/02/2018 - 13:18

PositiveAction

Joined:
Before 2009

Deleted

Posted on:
Sat, 24/02/2018 - 15:20

merlins

Joined:
2018-02-14

Hey GRIP, I take your points of view seriously and thank you so much. I also believe in appreciating the little things. As a recovering gambler, I think it is the most important thing as well. After days and nights of thinking and doing the gambling, our sense of appreaciation in the other parts of our life fades away. Also it is a good reminder that life is still enjoyable after our mistakes. 

Posted on:
Sat, 24/02/2018 - 19:09

merlins

Joined:
2018-02-14

Day 2 of GF

I woke up and was texting to that girl. And I am starting to believe that dating again will play a role in my recovery journey. I am needing a love life again anyway. Before this, I had been depressed to date.. but now I feel like I am reborn and am more determined towards a happy life. Before.. I was just bored and lonely with all my saving and all of the sudden the urge to gamble sneaked in and wiped my saving. I was sad, depressed and in denial. However, after I changed my attitude to get better, everything seems to get better by a little bit and a little bit is good enough to move on. I can see all the good things I have now. I am still debt free. I am paying the bills regularly. I am recovering the losses in a year. I have friends to hang out with. When being strong is the option that is left, I became strong and it broke the little layer of my depression... with that is being said, it lets me see what it looks like when I am not depressed. So for today, I will be strong and will stay motivated.

Words of the day for me (that is said by me): I definely don't like the part of losing my money and being failed but I like the process of getting back up and being stronger than ever. I only live and learn in my life. I am not going to let that failure of my life to go wasted. So I learned from it and used it for bettering my life. 

Posted on:
Wed, 28/02/2018 - 01:45

merlins

Joined:
2018-02-14

Day 6

I don't think I have any strong urges to gamble or to chase losses these days even though I am still stressed out about the amount of money I lost on recent two relapses. However, I have been struggling with gambling hangover and depression. I think I lost some weight due to the stress from gambling and depression. People around me noticed that as well and were asking me about weight loss. (Also needless to say I always have low energy and am weak... and I can get sick easily. BTW, I have been sick for few days.) Basically, people around me are worried about me.. becuase I isolate myself a lot lately and have been losing wieght.

Regardless of those negative things, I have been working a lot on my thinking. I am replacing all the stressful thoughts with less stressful thoughts. For example, when I started thinking I have lost a lot.. I will replace it with in one year I will have those money back if I don't gamble. 

To be truthful, I am a lot stronger than I have told myself inside. Even though I lost a lot from recent relapses... I am not in debt and still manage not to gamble away some money left in the saving. And another paycheck is coming in three days. I will be okay on finance if I don't gamble.

Tonight I am hanging out with a friend. I am slowly trying to enjoy my life again while trying not to gamble when boredome and depression strike. The past is the past. The loss is the loss. And there are no reasons I can't enjoy my life again.

Posted on:
Wed, 28/02/2018 - 03:27

tara2

Joined:
2013-01-27

Merlin,  You are seeing the glass as half full instead of empty, half empty.  Counting blessings. Making plans for things other than the gambling.  Being hopeful but not only hopeful, actually engaging in life.  Good for you.  Thx. for sharing.  tara2

Posted on:
Fri, 02/03/2018 - 05:02

merlins

Joined:
2018-02-14

Thank you, tara, for coming up with those kind words.

Day 8

It has been easy not to place a bet. But I am still battling with the other things like depression and forgetting the losses. I actually symphathize with myself and people who have destroyed their lives by gambling. It is just hard to accept that evil thing that takes away all you have worked for your life. I am fighting my battles everyday and am practicing self-compassion. 

 

Posted on:
Sat, 03/03/2018 - 05:43

merlins

Joined:
2018-02-14

Day 9

I remember my last relapse was after day 9 of gf. But this time is not likely to happen. I have no desire to gamble. But I am bored and I have no luck on my love life, which makes me depressed. I will meditate and will try to sleep well when I get home. May I be happy and well these few days.

Posted on:
Sat, 03/03/2018 - 07:50

PositiveAction

Joined:
Before 2009

Deleted

Posted on:
Sat, 03/03/2018 - 08:02

DeterminedDan

Joined:
2016-09-08

Day 9 already Merlins!

Those days are beginning to stack up and count for something. 

The gambling hangover will pass soon mate, as you put more and more distance between your last bet. Each day without gambling you will feel better. 

Take care, Dan

Posted on:
Sun, 04/03/2018 - 00:24

merlins

Joined:
2018-02-14

 

Positiveaction and Dan, Thank you so much for your support. My gambling hangover is still on going.

Day 10

It has been very easy not to gamble. But I still struggle with boredom, loneliness and gambling hangover. I need long hours of sleep and coffee to function okay. I have two broken friendships recently. I am willing to fix them if I can. But also my motto is ‘just do it, it will either work out or it won’t. Nothing to be afraid of.’

On the positive light, I am still (gambling related)debt free, I am still paying my monthly bills with no burden, I still have two weeks worth of paid vacation from work and I still have a few good friends. I think I will work on a good start from there.

 

Posted on:
Sun, 04/03/2018 - 15:39

Jayden

Joined:
2011-09-01

Well done merlins, day by day it'll get easier I'm sure. I'm the same, I need coffee everyday to help me function correctly. I'd suggest going for a walk each day even if it's for 20 minutes as this stimulates the brain and helps relaxation.

​All the best.

Posted on:
Mon, 05/03/2018 - 01:31

merlins

Joined:
2018-02-14

 

Thank you, Jayden. I usually get a lot of exercise. It helps with my sleep at night.

Day 11

It is getting clear that my depression dominates my life again than gambling does. I guessed my last two relapses were hugely related to my depression and loneliness. No matter how hard I try... I always come back to depression and loneliness. 

On the bright side, I am trying to take actions for bettering my life. Fix my thinking, try to hang out more and get exercise regularly. When my life has more balance, I should be better off then.

Posted on:
Tue, 06/03/2018 - 08:12

merlins

Joined:
2018-02-14

 

Day 12

I am happy that I decided to call my friend to hang out and to exercise. A couple of other friends showed up too. I loved it. I loved hanging out with friends and exercising as well. One moment at a time. I love my friends. I  hate gambling. And I hate depression. I hate loneliness.

PS:

I still think about the money I lost sometimes but most of the time I can think of it as a past expense. 

Posted on:
Thu, 08/03/2018 - 11:06

merlins

Joined:
2018-02-14

Day 14

I changed my work schedule that fits me better. I will start working at midnights when things are quiet and peaceful. That way I can get some time to hang out or to relax at home during the day times. Recently, I started hanging out more and exercising more. Today I got the numbers from a girl at the gym. I don't know how it will go. But things get a lot healthier since I stopped gambling. What do I get from gambling? depression, anger, broke, suicide at the end? It is simply a downward spiral.

Posted on:
Thu, 08/03/2018 - 11:40

Took a wrong turn

Joined:
2012-02-22

Nice post Bryan and well done on 2 weeks pal, sounds as if by hanging out and exercising more, you have a healthier mindest. Yes gambling does bring you all those things and has done with me anyway and yes suicide for some of us in the end but let's not think about that, we have one life and we are all trying to do something about it, we deserve to have a good, long life without the distruction addiction brings, whether it be gambling, alcohol or drugs or anything else, addiction is an illness and it destroys millions of lives.

Have a good day keep up the postive thoughts, very hard I know.

Wilsy

Posted on:
Fri, 09/03/2018 - 10:34

merlins

Joined:
2018-02-14

Thank you, Wilsy. We are living with an addiction. We can't get rid of it completely so we have to control it not to let them come out sneakily again and destroy our life before we know it.

Day 15

I went out to hang out and to exercise again. I think my episode of depression is about to be over this time around. I am feeling it because I started being less tired and enjoying my usual activies again (maybe because I stopped gambling too.) Like gambling addiction, I have to live with depression for a long time. Only that I have to educate myslef more and to learn how to cope with it. 

Anyway 15 days since the last time I gambled. I am more active, trying to accept losses and thinking positively (at least I try). I hope I will never suffer again from this gambling desease in the rest of my lifetime.

Posted on:
Sat, 10/03/2018 - 04:05

merlins

Joined:
2018-02-14

Day 16

I became more active and happier. But there are times when I am not busy and I have tendency to get depressed and lonely. So that is a good reminder that I need to set goals and to get busy. My long term goal is to save up money for several months as I stay gambling free and I am enjoying my life as well because it doesn't make sense to go through these several months suffering and hurting as the result of gambling and depression. My another goal is to build my self-esteem (I need to google for how to build self-esteem.) 

I imagine that to stay gambling free is failrly easy for me at least for these few months but until I have saved up my money again I might have low self-esteem and depressed sometimes even though I try not to. I hope everything is okay with me and I hope I enjoy my life and see the postive things happening in me and around me. I hope...

Posted on:
Sun, 11/03/2018 - 09:47

merlins

Joined:
2018-02-14

Day 17

Checking myself in here actually helps with me avoiding small gambling like buying a lottery ticket or a scratcher knowing that I need to keep it clean and straight.

So this is my day 17 of gf. I am a bit bored and time passes so slow. All I do is looking forward to the weekends and hangouts. But during the week days I need something seriously to keep me focused and occupied like goals.

Posted on:
Mon, 12/03/2018 - 11:58

merlins

Joined:
2018-02-14

Day 18

I was thinking earlier ‘oh let me gamble to forget the losses.’ But who am I joking?! I maybe am poor for now but in one year I will save up some money again.

Now I have a crush. I think she is out of my league. But she has started texting me for two days. So I assume she wants to be friends with me at least. But I am scared to make a move. 

Posted on:
Tue, 13/03/2018 - 15:08

merlins

Joined:
2018-02-14

Day 19

I exerciesed a lot. And ate out for dinner (I got my appetite.) And slept soundly. Now I woke up and ate some leftover. I am not feeling 100% happy and perfect now but I am drifting away slowly from horrible gambling habit and its consequences and I feel healthier both physically and mentally. The losses are the great reminder and a great lesson to me not to gamble again in the future when I have saved up much much more!

Posted on:
Wed, 14/03/2018 - 10:20

merlins

Joined:
2018-02-14

Day 20

Same motto. I will save up some money again in one year. Meanwhile, I will enjoy my life.. at least I will try to. 

Posted on:
Thu, 15/03/2018 - 06:34

merlins

Joined:
2018-02-14

Day 21

Writing and reading in the forum and counting my gf days became one of my favorite passtimes. So here I am on day 21. I am glad with  what I have got so far.

I have been exercising and hanging out at least two days a week. A YouTube video suggests that exercising is equivalent to taking antidepressants. Yes I am still living with depression. It’s been on and off.

Posted on:
Fri, 16/03/2018 - 07:10

merlins

Joined:
2018-02-14

Day 22

Recently, a few employees got fired at work for different reasons. It’s a good reminder to me to appreciate what I am having. As long as I behave well and am consistent at my work, I will have some saving later on. Also I try to exercise before work and get some sweat. It is working out so far. If I want to be positive I have all the good things going on in my life. But my depression makes me think differently sometimes. 

I realized I love to write things down. So I may write down the little tasks I accomplish during the day. I love the feeling of accomplishment. 

Posted on:
Sat, 17/03/2018 - 08:12

merlins

Joined:
2018-02-14

2Day 23

This writing in here became therapeutic to me. It helps me to get things off my chest and also helps me organize my thinking.

So... I didn’t exercise today. I wish I did. I am trying to exercise four or five days a week. 

I received my paycheck yesterday. That’s the beginning of my saving journey. I will behave well at well and start saving more by keeping my job.

Since yesterday I started writing the small tasks I have accomplished during the day. 

I am still living with depression and loneliness. It gets better when I exercise and hang out with friends. 

I still think about gambling losses and still blame myself sometimes. But it’s better to learn that lesson early like right now than when I have saved a lot of money and lose it all in the future. I will just think it is just a past expense and I learn a good life lesson from that expense. 

My three big goals are:

1. Not to gamble again

2. To save money (be consistent with work)

3. Improve self esteem and find a way that helps my depression and loneliness.

 

Posted on:
Mon, 19/03/2018 - 07:02

merlins

Joined:
2018-02-14

Day 25

It feels like a long time ago since my last relapse. Positive thoughts and negative thoughts are fighting everyday. 

At the end of this year I expect to save at least 5k. I want to start travel more. I will start dating again. I will find my motivation in completing small tasks. The past losses are just some expense I used somewhere. I will be okay. It is and will be a good reminder to me not to gamble again. I will save up my money again and again eventually anyway. So I will enjoy my life while seeing my money grows in saving account.

Posted on:
Tue, 20/03/2018 - 15:04

merlins

Joined:
2018-02-14

Day 26

Generally, not in a good mood. It might be depression again. But I went out to exercise and to hang out. I have been doing breathing exercise too. 

Posted on:
Tue, 20/03/2018 - 16:53

Took a wrong turn

Joined:
2012-02-22

Hi Merlins,

depression is horrible isn't it, i suffer and can just strike at anytime, you are right to exercise and to hang out, don't let depression consume you like it has for me alot, keep on top of it best you can, hard I know.

Congrats on 26 days GF that's some achievement to be proud of

Wilsy

Posted on:
Wed, 21/03/2018 - 08:45

merlins

Joined:
2018-02-14

Thank you, Wilsy. How do you deal when you are depressed? How is your depression now?

Day 27

Again, I am not that feeling well in general. Still I went out to exercise and ate out dinner after exercising. However, I will rest for next a few days. I don't want to have these feelings but I am still dealing with empitness inside and lack of motivation. I am taking it one day at a time. At the end of this year, I will be more active with travelling when I save up money again. Hope I will be okay.

Posted on:
Wed, 21/03/2018 - 10:28

Took a wrong turn

Joined:
2012-02-22

Hi mate, my depression hits me hardest through hearthache or from being hurt, I'm avoiding relationships at present, trying to avoid negative and hurtful people and by simply trying to get into a routine whereas I protect myself better. I am just working, then going home, making sure I eat something, attend my pets then get into bed and watch a film or something on TV, I often turn my phone off as well. At the moment I am in a better place, the medication works and I am getting lots of rest. I am still along way from wanting to go our and socialise or exercise, for now I am just comfortable being by myself and not gambling for 140 days has helped massively. You will get there.

Don't put yourself under too much pressure take things slowly, if you push yourself too soon or too hard you will break. I still lack motivation to do housework and washing up etc, just try and find some peace with yourself.

Well done on 27 days, think of the future and don't worry about the past.

Wilsy

Posted on:
Thu, 22/03/2018 - 08:22

merlins

Joined:
2018-02-14

Thanks, Wilsy, for telling me about your situation. I am sorry to hear about your heartache. I imagine it can be related to your past relationships. It seems you are okay with your routine so far. To me, I wonder if there is a permanent way to eliminate depression. At the beginning of relapses, I was excited and happy but I always ended up being stressed out and depressed so that is not a good way to deal with depression. I am thinking to date but I can feel the pressure from a relationship considering I am depressed.

 

Day 28

I am glad I have not been betting for 28 days. I still have some regrets on the losses but I always tell myself the losses are the past expenses and I can save the money up again eventually. And I remind myself to enjoy life.

I decided to work midnight shifts. The nights at work are mostly quiet. I think this is what I need for now to reevaluate my life and to find some peace. I hope I will be happy.

Posted on:
Thu, 22/03/2018 - 12:57

Took a wrong turn

Joined:
2012-02-22

yes mine is worsened by mistreatment in relationship, lost family and lost pets. I believe I have suffered depression since I was about 14, don't think you'll ever get rid of it sadly but it sits dormant or is less prominent when our lives are better with less stress and heartache, just try and find a routine that suits you and shut out any negative people or situations, don't gamble and you'll find your mood will lift and the depression will subside.

Good luck with it all my friend, be patient

Wilsy

Posted on:
Fri, 23/03/2018 - 07:42

merlins

Joined:
2018-02-14

Wisly: I think you kind of enlightened me. I noticed I was depressed since young. Only that it was not prominent because I didn’t have stress as a kid and grew up in a supportive environment. The stress hit me since I was 20 when I moved to a city and I had to grow up. I was completely lost on everything and depressed. I failed at school, social life and rejections from girls dug the hole deeper. I am only surviving because of my parents and a sport that I am good at.

Posted on:
Fri, 23/03/2018 - 08:25

merlins

Joined:
2018-02-14

 Day 29

It has been raining a lot. I have to be careful when I drive. Also my stomachache was bothering me and I couldn’t sleep well yesterday. But work at midnight is very peaceful and doesn’t give me burden or stress. So it is a plus of working midnights.

I don’t feel like gambling but I have a lot of free time and I don’t have any interesting things to do mostly. That was also the main reason of past relapses. 

So I’d rather line up the positive things happening to me right now.

  • ​I am still debt free except my car payments.
  • I still have some money left.
  • I am paying my monthly bills regularly.
  • I still have an excellent credit score.
  • I am able to save some money each month after paying bills.
  • I have two weeks worth of paid vacation from work.
  • I am exercising and sleeping regularly for my depression and mental health.
  • I am currently 29 gf and I will have more saving after a few months.
  • I am able to forget my losses sometimes.

 

Posted on:
Sat, 24/03/2018 - 07:54

merlins

Joined:
2018-02-14

Day 30

I am drowsy and tired now because of the sleeping pill I took yesterday. For tonight, I will focus on the little things to do and I will keep myself occupied. One big part of being depressed is lacking motivation so I think it is a good idea to start small and to put interest in something. I think I will be okay.

Posted on:
Sun, 25/03/2018 - 08:27

merlins

Joined:
2018-02-14

Day 31

Lack of motivation strikes me everyday. For today, I will focus on breathing exercise. It relaxes my body and calms my mind. In addition to breathing exercise, I will play some chess games.

I have been working overtime a few hours every other weeks. It’s not a lot but it adds up in the long run. I don’t have a big ambition but I won’t gamble again when I save up money again and when I am bored. 

Posted on:
Sun, 25/03/2018 - 10:03

Henchie

Joined:
2018-03-09

Hi merlins,

I am very inspired by your journey so far and hope I can be as strong as yourself. Hope you kick the addiction pal

 

Posted on:
Sun, 25/03/2018 - 13:17

merlins

Joined:
2018-02-14

Hi Henchie,

I am strong because of the choice I made on the day I cleaned up my saving about 30 days ago. On that day, I was deeply depressed but at the same time I put things into perspective. If I keep gambling, I might eventually end up killing myself due to consequences gambling produces. So I decided to go the different direction, which is a simple life that I don’t gamble but at the same time peaceful and enjoyable. And I thank you for coming up with a compliment for me. Good luck to you.

Posted on:
Mon, 26/03/2018 - 12:36

merlins

Joined:
2018-02-14

Day 32

I woke up after only a few hours sleep. And I felt heartache after thinking about my past relationship. So I decided to call my friend to eat and to hang out. I felt a lot better after doing so. 

At night at work, my coworker was reminding out of no where... that I am still young and if I mess up in my life, I can still fix it. She didn’t know my gambling losses but her message to me gave me some courage while I am dealing with gambling losses. Yes... I can still fix my problems and I can lead myself to a better life.

Posted on:
Wed, 28/03/2018 - 09:21

merlins

Joined:
2018-02-14

Day 34

I saw my ex girlfriend. My heart is aching so much. What is wrong with me all the time. Depression and heartache hurt my soul and my willing to survive. I think it’s time to gamble again to numb myself.

Posted on:
Thu, 29/03/2018 - 01:42

merlins

Joined:
2018-02-14

Day 35

Yesterday, I suffered from a heartache. I slept it off. Whenever something like that happens, I want to give up completely. Maybe my depression plays a part. It takes away my mental strength and put me back into dark side. I used to find an easy way out of it by gambling in the past. I am not going to this time. But still heartache is too much. I want to erase the memories from some parts of my life. All I am going to do right now is to find a dim of light and to keep walking towards it believing it could be the end of dark tunnel. I don't like how I am feeling right now. But I have to accept that it is happening and to find a slimmest motivation that is left in me to keep going forward.

Posted on:
Thu, 29/03/2018 - 14:18

merlins

Joined:
2018-02-14

Day 35 and half

I am being able to avoid so much pain and trouble by not gambling while I am dealing with some other unpleasant things and feelings. I appreciate being able to participate in this forum. This forum does a wonder to me not only to abstain from gambling but also helps me with my depression and personal problems by writing down in the forum. Hope I will be okay.

Posted on:
Fri, 30/03/2018 - 08:26

merlins

Joined:
2018-02-14

 

Day 36

Today is payday and I checked my checking balance. For a split second, I wanted to gamble when I see my small balance and when it reminded me how much I have lost.

I understand there are many dimensions in life I need to balance. Also I understand that to keep complaining about my life will not help me actually change my life. With that being said, I believe dominos effect plays a good part in everything happens in my life. Social anxiety, loneliness, depression, difficulty in relationship, heartbreaks and gambling problem. They are all related one another. What if I could stop the dominos effect somewhere, will I be better off? For example, eating healthy, sleeping well, taking care of my thoughts and improving my social skill will help me with my loneliness? If I am not lonely, I won’t be depressed, if not depressed, I won’t be gambling and so on. Today and now, I will start with being mindful with my thoughts that jeopardize my wellbeing. I won’t let the self destructing thoughts take over me today.

Posted on:
Fri, 30/03/2018 - 19:32

merlins

Joined:
2018-02-14

Day 36 and half

I have been working hard these days to make extra money. In six months, there will be a significant financial improvement. Until then I won't gamble. Until then I will not let the gambling losses to affect me negatively anymore. Until then I will be very strong.

Posted on:
Sat, 31/03/2018 - 13:01

merlins

Joined:
2018-02-14

Day 37

I am working hard. At the same time, I have to remind myself not to get greedy on making money because when I get greedy, I get the similar feeling as when I was gambling. I will keep myself a healthy balance with my life.

Posted on:
Sun, 01/04/2018 - 03:07

merlins

Joined:
2018-02-14

Day 38

I have all the reasons to gamble again. Loneliness, heartache, broken, boredom. But I haven't gambled. I have been learning to tell my myself my situations are not as bad as my thoughts tell me. Basically, I am confronting my own thoughs with more reasonable thoughts. I will take it slowly. I will be a gentleman to myself. I believe I will have some improvement in myself in terms of happiness and wellbeing.

Posted on:
Sun, 01/04/2018 - 08:11

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Thanks for your post merlins. I have just read your diary.
You're doing so well. You appear to be in touch with your emotions and try to do what you feel you need to do to help you get through some difficult days.
Keep going, stay strong and I'm sure in time all your hard work and determination will pay off.
All good wishes x

Posted on:
Fri, 06/04/2018 - 09:51

merlins

Joined:
2018-02-14

Day 43

I have to admit. Depression is still playing a major part in my everyday life. Someday I might feel better than the others but I have a tendency to get depressed easily if anything happens, for example, like seeing my ex girlfriend unexpectedly.

Regardless of my depression situation playing a role in my everyday life. I have been doing things that work for me and my wellbeing. Work, exercise, socialize. Some days, I get some kick start from my coffee. Some days, I get advice from my senior coworkers at work if I get confused with my life situations and get depressed about them. 

In terms of gambling and finance, since I stopped playing for over a month, I started saving about 1k. But still a big loss is a good reminder for the rest of my life that not to get greedy and not to gamble. I no longer look for a quick fix on finance. Slow, steady and peaceful life is what I aim for now.

Posted on:
Sat, 07/04/2018 - 11:07

merlins

Joined:
2018-02-14

Day 44

I took an extra day off from work. I rest, sleep, exercise, and hang out. I feel more cheerful when I am outside with friends. I struggle the most when I am in my room alone with all the rumination. I am only surviving with the hope that things will get better even though my depression is trying to tell me negative things. Financially, even though I am not rich, I am not in debt but it's depression and loneliness that are bothering me everyday. 

Posted on:
Sun, 08/04/2018 - 09:20

merlins

Joined:
2018-02-14

Day 45

I was thinking this evening. About one and half months ago, I made a firmed decision to quit gambling and to live a happy life. Some days I struggle to be happy with low energy, bad mood and emptiness. But it’s okay to be weak and to be struggling as long as I commit to my long term goal... not to gamble and to live a happy and normal life. If I fall down, I will go back up. It’s okay to fall down.. I tell myself.

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