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Posted on:
Fri, 11/08/2017 - 19:23

Compulsive Gambler

Joined:
Before 2009

firstly whlst it is far from ideal as per your own words and thoughts I think you need to forgive yourself for having an outburst.  What has happened is not your fault and I've seen you post on many other threads, supporting and helping others  You are in a tough place and have a lot of hard times ahead - take the advice and get some professional help, you deserve it

I wish I was able to redeem some of my own failings by offering help or practical support 

Any chance you could also just take an hour out - play the xbox with your sons, go for a walk with them, I am sure they must be a funny age for mummy time but find something, give your mind a small break

and I completely agree with the others - get that money paid in somewhere

Posted on:
Sat, 12/08/2017 - 04:52

Goodbye my husband

Joined:
2017-08-06

Odaat can I ask you something without offending please? You said he's an **** (totally true) and knowing you were an addict too do you think he is behaving worse than you did or worse than most? How do I sort out the email? That's so kind of you.

My kids are ok other than being shocked. They can't believe how angry I am and cutting plugs of TV was so stupid. 

I'm actually not sure where the money came from to be honest and I can't bank it as it may be all we have left. If it goes into the bank and he has debts..... I will hide it safely tomorrow. 

He has now been in touch twice to my son via messaging saying "Hi how are you?  miss you, hope you're ok" OK!!!! How can he be ok? Total lack of understanding, emotion, willingness to come clean. Not even "Dad is so sorry for all the hurt. Will you meet me so we can talk?" I have just looked at my Whatsapp and he has this evening blocked me, having unblocked me previously. This is a sign that as always he is playing the blame game. My son hasn't replied so it has to be my fault. I told my son he can reply if he wants to and see his dad and that I would never stop him. He has the choice and has chosen not to respond. He has chosen not to message my daughter at all.

Lethe, I could see my GP but what can they do only offer medication. It's the anger that I feel is so dangerous. I'm like a ticking time bomb, it feels dangerous and scares me. 

He owes 11K on our car, it's worth 9K. I'm sure dealership said it could be sold privately as long as shortfall cleared with them. Am I wrong? I do a lot of mikes per year, so purchasing a heap whilst he is now driving a new car (he does little mileage) feels like just another kick in the teeth for me and the children. 

I didn't eat yesterday, no longer sleep (hence now 4am) and I climbed into bed at 5pm no longer able to function or think. Kids sorted own food out, toast and pot noodles. Would they be better in care? They now have no TV and each day gets harder. 

Yesterday I did think that life isn't worth living. I am 50 (feel 80) and at a time when we thought we had so many plans it's all gone. It sounds like pity but in fact it's utter and total despair. Whilst I know my husband is working, joking with colleagues, eating, gambling and functioning fairly normally. 

I found a letter about his will yesterday. Do you know he made it in secret and refused to allow me to know the contents (2009) Why would anyone do that to their wife? 

I hear over and over....."forget the money wasted, it's only money, it's gone" That phrase is banded about a lot on here. Yes it has gone and yes it is only money. BUT!!!!!!!! It is money that we could have used to make our lives better, make incredible memories with our children visiting other countries (as our friends do) and make our home lovely for us to enjoy. More importantly it would have paid for both children to go to university without the need for student loans and beginning their lives in debt. 

I am angry, viciously so, unstable I think....and eaten alive with rage!!!!!!!! I am expecting to be ill as a result of this, heart attack/stroke etc. isn't stress a killer? Then where will my children go? 

 

Posted on:
Sat, 12/08/2017 - 08:06

ODAAT

Joined:
2014-11-10

Morning, I have emailed forum admin asking them to pass mine onto you as a matter of urgency…I am not sure that they will facilitate this, they may email you asking if you are happy to swap but either way, the ball is rolling. As an addict with an ego to stroke, it would be all too easy for me to condemn him to eternal damnation but I've spent my whole life justifying my own stupidity based on the actions of others, when the harsh reality is yes, my behaviour was equally as appalling :-(  For me the biggest ouch against him was with the Meningitis scare but this has been compounded now with the non contact with your daughter...It's not just you who has had their world blown apart and somehow you need to figure out how to fake it until you make it. The GP can offer you local support groups and counselling as well as medication but none of this is a quick fix.  Happy pills will take a couple of weeks to kick in with potential side effects (although admittedly nothing worse than the torment you are going through now) and then the dose would need to be monitored.  The quickest 'thing' would be a GamAnon meeting where you will get both understanding and advice from real people. As for the car, a regular 9k loan would see re-payments close to 11 anyway so I can’t see that this is any different to other loans he has (unless of course the vehicle is in danger of being re-possessed) and may just be him twisting the knife?  In any case, nothing needs to be decided this second and seems daft to sell it, owe the dealer x amount and then have to fork out for a heap that would eat into what little security you do have at the minute.  Effectively, all of the financial institutions are closed for 2 days now so this can wait. What can't wait is life.  The powers that be say kids can't survive on Pot Noodles so it's pretty irrelevant that I beg to differ & you need to get something down.  No, the kids would not be better in care, they've already been abandoned by 1 parent & you need them right now as much as they need you.  If you can't re-wire that plug, get a man in who can and give them back a bit of normality & yes you do need to manage your stress because you are all they have at the minute.  I've been to case conferences when my niece and nephew went into care & they are heartbreaking…This is NOT an option. If it helps, there's little normal about the way your husband is functioning…He will be able to stick his head in the sand whilst he has the funds to gamble but outside of these periods, he won’t be able to ignore the horrendous damage he has caused.  We do have moments of clarity whilst active & I separated my work world from my gambling one very successfully going from outgoing, feisty, capable to a snivelling wreck, sat on the floor with a pen and paper, furiously logging in to all of my onlline accounts, trying to figure out how to rob Peter to pay Paul. The Will does not surprised me and as much as you don’t want to hear it, the money has gone.  It's like crying over spilt milk…All the upset in the world won't make it jump back into the bottle so you need to focus what little energy you do have on the stuff that is in your control.  Special memories come from the most unlikely of places and don't need to be born in foreign lands despite what the neighbours do and think.  Having student loans isn’t the end of the world but it's 4 years before your eldest get there and there are way more pressing concerns.  It's only been a few days.  If my friend is anything to go by when her husband walked out a few weeks before she was due to retire (they had plans you would not believe), you would be in enough of a mess had he just left without all of the financial worry…Ending relationships hurt full stop so you really do need to cut yourself some slack and accept this whilst still grabbing any opportunity you can to take your focus off of that pain. Get in the car and drive to a beach for ice cream in the rain, get out the cake tins and burn some fairy cakes, put on the radio and dance like no-one is watching, whatever you choose, just do…Staying cooped up inside just compounds the misery and neither you nor your children deserve this. It may seem hopeless, even impossible at the minute but it won’t always feel like this.  Sending you a rare cyber hug ((Good)) and strength to get through today - Kelly

Posted on:
Sat, 12/08/2017 - 08:10

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

Hi I totally understand  your rage. I remember cutting the cable on the phone! We are helpless, put in a position  we cannot fathom. The problem is you have kicked him out, now you don't know what he's doing, you can't direct your anger to him. You're angry because you also feel is this my fault? So you are powerless, we cannot control them. He is running, hiding from his responsibility this is his mess. I go and sit in the garden with a cup of tea and think. I wrote down every outgoing even tiny things, get perspective. This will sound mental but have you got a swing ball? Take your anger out on that, kick a ball, rip paper into shreds, go for walk, scream anything to release that pressure. Work out what you can sort out, leave what you can't. I had a notebook I carried with me, wrote down all my feelings, bills, loans, budget. Went to meetings. It's all too much to deal with in one go, just do one thing a day. Have a nice day with the kids at home. Stop punishing yourself x

Posted on:
Sat, 12/08/2017 - 10:29

Girlfriendofcg

Joined:
2017-08-11

I too am feeling extremely angry, I shouted and raged at him accusing him of all sorts with the attitude of if you are lying about this then what else have you been lying about? The only thing I can do is start taking my life back, I take one hour at a time, try to reward myself for tasks such as requesting credit reports. I too am for the most pretending it isn't happening to the outside world. Only one person close to me knows and I am unsure how to move forward. You are probably feeling very overwhelmed at the moment and there is a lot to do but you will get it done step by step.

Posted on:
Sat, 12/08/2017 - 11:32

Lethe

Joined:
2016-12-10

Hi again

The GP can refer you for counselling, maybe have details of support groups alongside medication which will be carefully monitored. He/she will also be a sympathetic, non-judgemental ear which can count for a lot IRL.

The car can be sold providing the shortfall is met but that means finding £2K along with more (how much is he going to contribute?) to buy something with unknown history that may be OK but equally may not. TBH it sounds very much like he can't make the repayments on both but isn't going to let his new toy slip away if he can help it. The reality is he may not be able to make the payments on that either but he has been and is living in a dream bubble where that elusive big win is going to make all this magically disappear.

Try not to worry too much about student debt. They only pay back a proportion of their earnings over a certain level and the balance is written off 'x' number of years. The government are now in a flap because they've realised the sums don't add up and more than they planned for is never going to be repaid. Two of mine have student debt alongside the vast majority of their peers and it really doesn't impact them significantly or worry them.

The rage is common. How can we not get angry when we think of the waste, the way we've been taken for mugs and the way the future has changed in an instant? but we have to step up to the plate and function somehow. Handing the kids into care will only compound and complicate things further down the line.

Posted on:
Sat, 12/08/2017 - 12:02

Compulsive Gambler

Joined:
Before 2009

he needs to sell / return his car, whatever the penalty, before yours gets returned.

Posted on:
Mon, 14/08/2017 - 03:54

Goodbye my husband

Joined:
2017-08-06

Thank you so much for all your support. I am truly grateful for this site. 

God did I really say "would my kids be better in care?" Then I would have no reason to live for sure. I just feel absolutely overwhelmed with so much to sort out. 

I didn't come on here over the weekend as I needed a day or two of pretending this hasn't happened to us. I thought it would do me good to try not to think about it but of course it's all I think about.

with regards to the kids and getting out, to be honest we practically live outdoors as we have horses x 2 and dogs x 3 so we are getting lots of fresh air. It's just the crushing blow of how life has changed irrevocably in one week.

He has now messaged my daughter to remind her that she only has one dad and that he misses her. It's almost as though she has done wrong not him. Still no offer to apologise or explain himself . 

With regards to the car the payments are £350.00 per month so obviously once sold he will only owe 2K 

I could see my GP for medication but there is a part of me that needs to feel the pain at its worst in order to make me realise that I must never ever give him another chance. After 23 years of this I need freedom and sanity. 

I understand what you are saying Kelly about the money being gone and no good crying over spilt milk, I do get that no amount of crying will bring it back. I get that memories with children can be made in local woods and you don't need far flung destinations to be happy. When I said I wanted us to have had the opportunities of some of our friends it must have sounded like 'keeping up with the Jones' but it wasn't meant like that at all. Perhaps this is easier for partners of non-cg's to understand rather than the cg's (absolutely no offence to you cg's who I admire hugely for being here) but what I am saying is that we have all missed out on lovely holidays abroad and the chance to enjoy other cultures because my husband has chosen instead to give our money away. Not only that but the 'spilt milk' may mean that my daughter's pony has to go which will devastate her as she's only and him for ten months. We also have her ancient old pony who would end up in a sanctuary. It is the ponies that are keeping us all going at the moment and our one bit of solitude and sanity. Same as for university, totally agree that some student debt is not the end of the world for kids these days but the money was there for university x 2 and now it has gone. If any of the above had happened because of loss of employment, illness....even bad financial decisions then yes, I'd get that, but he has simply given it away. My son said "if he'd put all of that money onto our open fire at least we'd have had one good warm from it, but we got nothing"

I keep going over and over my total stupidity in all of this.

Since 2013 we have no been abroad as a family, yet prior to this we went most years. He kept explaining it as 'business down/ our huge outgoings" and I just accepted it. To be honest we love English holidays as we can take our dogs but now everything is making sense. I keep having lightbulb moments of "ah....that's why he always did this"  When I think clearly there were so many signs that he was in a bad place, really stupid things. For example my son went shopping with him and came back to tell me that he raced around the supermarket like a madman literally grabbing stuff off the shelves (he always did our food shop) and throwing them in the trolley. This is because he needed to get back on his phone. On this year's holiday we took two cars (long story) and he set off first. He isn't a fast driver normally and I thought we'd meet for food half way but he said "see you there" He loves coffee and would never EVER consider a non-stop journey of any distance but we were so shocked to get a call saying he was there. He must have flown down, eager to get back online. When we arrived he was on his phone having been to the local shop for just milk and a paper. I asked him if he'd brought anything for breakfast, bread for toast etc as our online shop wasn't coming until the next day and he told me no as the shop had no bread/eggs etc. I knew he was lying so went myself and they had everything we needed. It was as though he had to get home as fast as possible, not even time to purchase food for the children. He would even lie about having a shower and now I realise it's because he couldn't use his phone in there. I know this must read as so dull but I've got to rant and get it all down or I'll combust!!!!!

Did anyone find (partners of cg's) that other people did not understand. As I said we have no family to turn to and few friends but my husband has a brother and sister who both live 100 plus miles away. We haven't seen his brother for three years and see his sister yearly. Both are aware he's gambled in the past and I'm sure his brother gambles but not to my husband's extent. It always difficult criticising someone to their own family and to be fair when I told her she was disgusted/stunned and is going to call him but I'm not sure she really understands as she messaged me saying "Hi, hope you've had a lovely few days" and the one friend I told has hardly registered the fact that I'm in this horrendous state. In fact it's been six days since I heard from her and she lives less than ten minutes away. Not even an offer to call round or offer to maybe have my kids over just for an hour.....nothing in fact. Is this normal? It's as though I've told her I have a cold. I probably sound full of self pity but I'm actually just needing one person to care. I cannot ever remember feeling so alone and terrified. 

I can't even bring myself to speak to him about important issues as I am too afraid of how I will react if I hear or see him. On top of that is the utter exhaustion of being the one who has to do absolutely everything. I had to get up at 5.30am this morning for a pony event but woke at 4am after 4 hours sleep and couldn't go back to sleep. We arrived home at 4pm and I was beyond exhausted and had to lie down for half an hour but didn't wake until 6pm. We then had to go and put the ponies to bed and walk dogs which meant it was 8pm when we got home and too late to cook a Sunday lunch. This resulted in a take-away and feelings of guilt for wasting money and not cooking a proper meal. I feel as though everything is caving in on us. 

Thank you Kelly for the virtual hug and I will look to see if I have message re email.

Does anyone have a number for Gamanon please?

 

Posted on:
Mon, 14/08/2017 - 06:30

ODAAT

Joined:
2014-11-10

Hi ya, I didn't mean to sound like you should just brush it away...You have every right to be absolutely furious.  It's just when you are hurting like this, you need to try & focus your little energy on the stuff you can control like eating & drinking because it's all too easy to curl up into a ball & just cry.

I think family have a hard time making sense of the magnitude of our crazy & friends sometimes just don't know how to react.  Yours sound particularly unsupportive because even if they're not sure how to dish that support out, they could @ least try.  I'm guessing you are probably the person everyone would usually turn to in a crisis & this has confused the life out of them?  

Hopefully this link will work: http://gamanon.org.uk/?page_id=82

You earned that takeaway yesterday & as for the car, if he can't afford the repayments, he can downgrade his one.  I wouldn't do anything until you get legal advice on this.

I know we're only cyber friends but we care...Hell it's 6 a.m. & I'm not on nights or earlies (& I deffo don't have a pony partly because that sounds much like hard work and lots because that would require me to be responsible for something other than my selfish self) so I'm pretty much here using matchsticks to prop my eyes open so I can send you a shout out!  I have an email saying they have sent you my email address...If you don't have it, maybe drop them a line.

Hope you manage a few hours sleep - Kelly

Posted on:
Mon, 14/08/2017 - 06:54

Goodbye my husband

Joined:
2017-08-06

Thank you Kelly! I wasn't in the slightest offended and everything you say is right about earing, drinking and trying to get through each day. I really want to say that I think all of you cg's on here are incredibly brave and strong. No matter what you've done in the past you are all making the future right and I wish every one of you all the luck in the world in staying straight. 

I have been so disappointed by my friend, her being the first person I told and particularly as I supported her through a really worrying health problem in the past. 

He only got his car  a month ago. Prior to that he'd always had heaps whilst paying for us to have the nic car. Madness but I almost feel guilty/sorry for him. I know I still love him and if I allow myself to think I am overwhelmed with sadness of how much I miss him....even though he had become incredibly difficult. There was one day on holiday when we started to laugh at something.....we could not stop and eventually were almost rolling around with laughter. We were standing in a corn field (all four of us) on our way through the woods to the sea. The sun was shining and I remember looking around and realising how much I loved him, how happy our family was and how we hadn't laughed like that in years. That was 3.5 weeks ago!!! It just doesn't seem real.

Well I have woken up today with a really sore throat and feeling ****. Now have to drag myself out of bed, ponies awaiting a hug and breakfast.

will check for that email and contact gamanon.

Posted on:
Mon, 14/08/2017 - 07:36

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

Hi I think gamanon site is list of meetings. I always call gamcare if I need to chat and can't wait for a meeting. Friends, that's a difficult one. Family can be too. I've told close friends never see them again, or all they want to talk about is the gambling which they don't understand. Some people have great  friends and work colleagues and everyone knows and are very supportive. My husbands family don't support emotionally at all. My meeting think they know more, especially before I married him. Anyway it makes no odds. My meeting is where I get support, advice, friendship and laughter. It's the place where people worry about those affected not the gambler. I try not to think badly of the friend situ. I think I have a lot of shame too, it's tough. I also think I gave a lot of people something to talk about. They don't know me and the friends who do are here for me. I don't tell people anymore. We've all got our own stuff to deal with. Maybe she's waiting for your call and doesn't want to intrude. 

Posted on:
Mon, 14/08/2017 - 09:21

Lethe

Joined:
2016-12-10

I hear you on the spilt milk thing. We have missed out on taking the kids on nice holidays while they were still young enough to want to come with us. We've missed out on evenings out, evenings in, all sorts. I told (shouted at) Mr L at one point he had put some fat cat gambling bosses kid through private school or paid for top end cars several times over. When the second bout of nonsense and all the fallout from it came to light we were buying value brands and I made endless chutney from windfall apples because it was 'free food'. The unfairness literally takes your breath away.

I didn't tell anyone outside family. My friends have mouths like the Mersey tunnel and would just have been in it for the drama and we barely see his side of the family although they did know . He did tell one set of friends who haven't asked about it since - not out of disinterest but out of discretion I think.  My parents offered to help bail him out (again) but I turned them down. Hadn't worked before and he made the mess so he could sort it.

I didn't do Gamanon (he goes to GA) but what I did do was read everything I could find and then some so I knew what to do to protect myself. One thing I would say is try not to let feeling sorry for him get in the way of doing what you need to. There are plenty of sources of support and advice for him should he choose to use them and being understanding and/or sympathetic isn't necessarily in your best interests. They are what is paramount.

Posted on:
Mon, 14/08/2017 - 22:32

Goodbye my husband

Joined:
2017-08-06

Hello and thank you once again. 

Kelly and MerryGo Round I have sorted emails out, thank you both and to Lethe for your understanding.

Well I am well and truly scuppered now as I am poorly with what seems to be a chest infection and raging sore throat. Lying here feeling absolutely awful and angry with myself for allowing this to make me ill. 

I rang the car finance people today but they would not tell me anything as it's in his name. He had told me to call them and facilitate handing the car back. They need him to agree to them discussing it with me and need to speak to him by phone. He has blocked my contacts on his phone so I called his sister and asked her to message him which she did. He replied saying that he's done everything he can???? She tried to talk to him and asked him what was going on. He said "oh just the usual" Ahen she pressed him further he said "it's ****, you know what she's like" He told her it was a big fuss made by me about a game, nothing more!!! A bloody online game that he's spending 1000's on each week!!!

So you see it is still all my fault. He is actually blaming me and has shown not one bit of remorse, even though he hasn't seen his children for 11 days.

Well that is it, he is on his own for sure now. To think that he can actually put this onto me and be so flippant, wh I have been at the point of collapse with fear and exhaustion with all the worry. No more!! **** him!! From now on my priorities are my children and me. I can do this, we can do it together and we will. I am going to take the next two days to rest properly, sleep and recover from this shock. The housework can wait 

Posted on:
Tue, 15/08/2017 - 09:15

Proudarab

Joined:
2016-10-18

Hi GMH,

I've been following your posts over the last few days and all I can say is I am sorry to hear of what you and your kids are going through.

I may not be the best person to be giving out any advice as I am a recovering addict myself, I haven't gambled for 10 months and to be honest if it wasn't for my wife and kids I don't know where I would have ended up.  However my situation was a little different in that I wanted to stop.  By reading your posts I don't know if your husband does?  It's difficult to explain what goes through your mind when you are gambling yourself into a massive hole of debt and misery however to reply to a question you asked on a different thread re your hospital episode with your son... when I was gambling all I was interested in was gambling.  I may not have turned up at the hospital either as it was more important for me to try and recoup my gamblong losses for the day.  I still loved my wife and my children but I was becoming so deep in debt that I had to keep on gambling to get myself out of the hole I was in.  This was the only way I could see forward to keep my family or so I thought.  It took a couple of relapses before I eventually realised what I was doing, I got very lucky in that I came clean just before it was too late and I lost everything.

But as I say I'm definitely not the best person to be giving out advice.  You have the full support of many people on here, both recovering addicts and f&f's.  You can only do what is best for you and your kids.  I wish you all the best.

PA.

Posted on:
Tue, 15/08/2017 - 09:26

Bal

Joined:
2015-04-18

Hi,

Sometimes us gamblers cant see the wood for the trees and blaming a partner can be the easiest thing in the world.

At present i would say he doesnt want or feel the need to stop gambling but eventually the funds will run dry or the deceit and web of lies will catch up and devour him. I know as it happened to me and i fell through the trap door.

Its at that stage whether you are willing to be there or drop him like a stone.

At present look after yourself and this is not your fault.

Best wishes

Posted on:
Tue, 15/08/2017 - 12:30

Compulsive Gambler

Joined:
Before 2009

I know this is easier said than done but GBH - you do really need to try and get better sleep - especially whilst you're unwell.  As soon as I look at a computer screen/phone/ ipad it wakes me up for hours - resist the temptation - I see you posting at 10/11pm, 2/3am and then again at 6/7am - plus you have your kids and animals so no chance you are catching uop during the day

water, good food and sleep

It's such a liberty me saying this as the CG but you have so much to deal with at the moment, through no fault of your own

give yourself some deadlines, from the next week at least - no internet from 11pm-6am or something

Posted on:
Tue, 15/08/2017 - 12:44

Goodbye my husband

Joined:
2017-08-06

Thank you Proud Arab and Bal.

My husband definitely does not want to stop gambling and never will. I accepted this 12 days ago when I uncovered his serious habit. The evidence was there in front of me on my iPad yet even when confronted with irifutable evidence he denied it....just as he has done many times before. 

The thing is, I had no idea he was addicted, I really didn't. I believed after the last serious episode around 6 years ago (lost 15k) that he had totally stopped. It seems he did but has been gambling heavily for 5 now according to bank statements. It is only this website that has made me realise he was/is addicted. Stupidly I put them down to just blips of madness. 

I know I am rambling (in bed with chest infection) sorry! There has never been one occasion in 23 years when he has said "I am sorry" and meant it. He has apologised only when asked......meaningless. 

He has always been unable to accept blame and deal with emotions. Do all gamblers struggle to handle emotion? There was domestic violence in our marriage up until around 2008/9 and now I realise that was gambling related. On the day my mother died he comforted me briefly and then when I continued to cry got angry and hit me to shut me up. He just could not deal with the pressure of showing he cared (he probably didn't) Then when I was poorly after the birth of our daughter and needed to go back into hospital he only visited twice in four days saying he had to work. He handed our son aged 2.5 to my friend and when I got discharged from hospital I had to drive myself home as I had driven myself there in the first place.

The more I write the more I realise that we can never be together again. I don't think he has ever loved me.

Please both of you do everything in your power to stay gamble free. I believe you can and will.

Enormous praise to you both for coming here.

 

 

Posted on:
Tue, 15/08/2017 - 12:50

Goodbye my husband

Joined:
2017-08-06

Compulsive Gambler you are dead right. When I wake during the night I reach for this site as a comfort but it may be keeping me awake. Tonight I will turn off at ten pm and try to sleep or maybe earlier. 

Thank you 

Posted on:
Tue, 15/08/2017 - 13:33

ALAN 135

Joined:
Before 2009

Hi again :))

In answer to your question about about Gamblers and emotions , I can only speak for myself but I think I shut down my emotions ?  I spent so much time up and down dealing with my mood swings because of the lies and losses I was trying to cover up that I became detached from real life if that makes sense and just as your Husband did my mood would be all over the place , if I  won I was on cloud nine and the best person ever but If I'd lost the slightest little thing would set me off on the argument trail , I was never physicle but I would look to make an argument out of nothing and blaming everyone else , I can only assume it was guilt because of what I'd done but didn't want to admit , it's far easier to blame someone else  .

It's strange but once I'd stopped gambling my emotional feelings were all over the place , happy one minute and crying my eyes out the next , I guess I'd not allowed myself to have those feelings for so long that it just came pouring out as I distanced myself from gambling .

I feel your husband likes to be in control , he runs his own business and can control that but despite that deep down he knows he can't control his gambling , he also knows that his time in action is coming to the surface and that at some point in the not too distant future he's going to be accountable because he won't be able to hide things any longer , all the bad attitude he's giving you , the car issue , money , ignoring you when he feel's like it it , is him throwing his toy's out of his pram and despite his calm exterior be in no doubt his mind's racing trying to dig himself out of this hole .

All I can say is that when you finally get through this and as tough as it is to go through , you'll become a much stronger person than you ever thought possible :))

Look after yourself x 

Posted on:
Tue, 15/08/2017 - 14:25

Proudarab

Joined:
2016-10-18

Hi GMH,

Pretty much as Alan says above.  My gambling was me dealing with emotion.  Whenever I felt down, angry, frustrated I gambled and it was all forgotten.  But I guess that is the addiction and what it does to you.

When it all came out that I clearly had a problem it was a massive relief and I could begin to deal with my emotions like a "normal" person once again.  I know that sounds selfish as it was only the beginning of dealing with the pain and debt for my wife, but a massive weight was lifted from my shoulders.  Some of the things I did whilst gambling actually shock me when I think back.  The lying, cheating, manipulating... it wasn't really me as I was never like that before I gambled, so I put that down to the addiction.  But I know I will always be a "gambling addict" and can't ever go back to that way of life.  I do miss having a bet but I realise that if I ever do I will lose everything.  Hopefully your husband will realise that soon.  There's only so far you can go before running out of funds, some go further than others and I was lucky that I decided to tell my wife before I went too far.  But that was only through speaking to people on this forum who persuaded me it was the only option.

I hope you feel a bit better soon and things begin to look up for you.  I obviously don't really understand what you are going through as I was the addict,  but I have an idea having seen first hand the pain I caused.  As Compulsive Gambler says above get off the internet for a bit.  I did most of my gambling on the internet so I try not to get too involved in social media etc too much.  I guess I should probably do some work instead of being on here too!  

PA

Posted on:
Tue, 15/08/2017 - 14:42

Compulsive Gambler

Joined:
Before 2009

Hey again, thanks for the reply and hope you do manage to switch off tonight for some much needed recovery / sleep time.

Just reading the bit about domestic abuse and it makes me shudder, nobody ever deserves that and I'm sorry but that can't be explained and most certainly not excused by gambling.

Emotions - Mine have been all over the place for years now, I don't think they have settled at all yet either, I'm still riding through the rollercoaster of emotions at the moment.  I completely agree with Alan (not for the first time, speaks a lot of sense) about being able to shut things down though.  Financially I could baulk at the price of a bottle of water and then within minutes spend hundreds on gambling, Picking arguments for no apparent reason was another regular occurance as is/was a total lack of faith in other humans - in and out of work - nobody and nothing has been good enough for most of my gambling life - it has certainly got worse too.

Emotionally I have resented work whilst working stupid hours yet many of those were just not productive, much procrastination so then deadlines have to be met and you work through the night, then you're tired and snappy so you pick fights again then procrastinate at work again then get frustrated as you 'never have time for yourself' then you gamble more - because you have no money and you are fed up with being in a rut and so it spirals, quicker and quicker, maybe you confess or more likely get caught and you might bury yourself and deny/lie/excuse or confess, then you enjoy life for a bit - secrets out, stop gambling, suddenly sleep better, work more efficiently and suddenly you have time on your hands that you aren't used to, you don't know what to do but then become overwhlemed by the damage done (debt) and before you know it you have slipped again.  Those around you are still hurting so you 'can't put them through that again' - then you chase whatever you lost (or get greedy becuase you 'won') and so it all starts again.

Throw in the mix the constant, unblockable reminders and adverts, the emails telling you about free funds being in your account and likely years of living a secret life and the whole mix is just very very difficult to get out of.

I feel very fortunate that in the last few months I have been supported by those around me, I cannot believe that I still have a seedling of a chance to save my marriage but I'm in no doubt that the enourmity and life lasting damage I have done mean that it will be years and years before I will be close to feeling like we have a solid marriage, I would love reassurance but know that it is not fair to ask and I must show by actions and not words that I am able to lead a different life, closer to the one my wife thought we had.

My Mum, who has supported me through several relapses before has again been unbelieveable and I don't deserve the support and unwaivering love she has shown.

My sister though has saved my life, she has given me a chance to live again.  She lives in a different world to me financially, albeit I could of been much closer had I not chosen to gamble but whilst she helped with a bit of money to save my legs from being broken ( I borrowed from the wrong person) I am repaying her and she only did that to stop my children from seeing me beaten to a pulp.  She saved my life in a more powerful way though, she refused to be manipulated by me.  She has a little training in physcology and thankfully knows some professionals whom she was able to turn to.  At almost forty years of age, I cried my heart out in front of my sister, I could bearly speak, almost hyperventalating - I was on my knees begging for her help, actually asking if she could help me financially and she point blanked refused.  She told me square on that I was still trying to manipulate her and that she would not let me.  She let me cry some more then got me to focus on the practicals, where was I going to sleep - offered me use of her tent and a sleeping bag - no offer of a roof over my head, no offer of a b&b but a tent, told me I might have to think about sleeping on the beach, that I had probably made myself homeless and that whilst as my sister she loved me she was not going to shoulder the consequences of my actions - that was down to me, that was my responsibility.  

And in a nutshell, that's how she saved my life, she confronted me.

She called me out for being a liar, she hammered home that I have effectively stolen from my childrens future.  I gave excuses for everything, reasosn to not go to GA, reasons to not tell people and she shot me down on everyone.  Every excuse she turned back on me

She gave me no reassurance whatsoever.

She continues to support me yet she challenges me at least once a week.  If I commit to doing something she makes me answerable myself.

Sorry for the ramble but it's helped me to write some of this (so thanks! )   

I know you have a different battle to me, one that you don't deserve and one you shouldn't have to face but I shuddered when I read the domestic violence you mention in the same way I shuddered when I read an early post of yours on a different diary - your wording left a glimmer of hope for your marriage,  I know you have since written that you know you can't get back with your husband and that must be horrendous to deal with on top of everything else but from what you have written, your husband has been an absolute ****.  He sounds anything but ready to admit he has a problem and unless he does that he has absolutely no chance of changing. 

I wish I could give you more sound advice on money but it sounds very complicated - one question I did have though was the solicitor - is it someone you know/ that your husband may have influenced?  I think you said before it might be someone to do with the business, are you certain they are impartial...   

best wishes

Posted on:
Tue, 15/08/2017 - 17:40

Lethe

Joined:
2016-12-10

The domestic violence doesn't go hand in hand with gambling, no. Mr L was distant, moody, foul tempered, extremely economical with the truth and generally vile to live with but he never physically lifted a hand to me or anyone else.

 

Posted on:
Wed, 16/08/2017 - 09:56

Compulsive Gambler

Joined:
Before 2009

How are you feeling now GMH - much better I hope?

Posted on:
Wed, 16/08/2017 - 11:14

Goodbye my husband

Joined:
2017-08-06

Good morning to you all.

Sadly I am feeling absolutely awful still. I can't believe a chest infection could make me feel this bad. Yesterday I could barely stand up but my kids have been brilliant. I feel so guilty not looking after them but I can't help being ill. I know it's the shock that's caused this. To make matters worse the weather has been glorious for two days whilst I'm stuck in bed.

Thank you for all replies regarding emotions. Incredible how cg's all say similar things on this topic.

Compulsive Gambler a big thank you for telling me to put my iPad away in the evenings. Didn't go on last night from 8pm and every time I woke during the night I read instead.....really helped. You are incredibly lucky to have such an amazing sister (and family) You must be so proud of her. With regards to the solicitor it is no one my husband knows. 

Still no word from my husband and kids are still saying they don't want to see him. Not sure what to do about that. I guess it is their choice but I am not influencing those thoughts and tell them daily that they can see him if they wish.

The lady at my bank (Lloyds) has been fantastic. She has personally printed 5 years worth of statements off for me so that I can add up his losses. This is only losses from one account, there are others I have no access to but it's a start. I need to know. Obviously there are also losses prior to the 5 years no doubt but that will do for now. 

He hasn't gambled anything from joint account and a letter came for him from sole account confirming they'd stopped payments to "Google Playtika" as he'd requested. Of course he is still gambling elsewhere. He thinks I'm stupid. 

I have to buy a car as my Audi is going but it's such a minefield. The Audi is in his name but I have to sort it all out and he has given them permission to deal with me. Typical of him to dodge responsibility for his ****. 

One thing that no one ever mentions on here is help for our kids. We all talk of help for addicts and partners of but what about kids of addicts. 13 days ago my kids thought we were a happy family. We'd had a brilliant holiday in Norfolk, were planning to buy a horse box so that my daughter can take her pony to shows and also planning a holiday somewhere exotic next April. Fast forward to now and the dad they thought the world of has gone, they have discovered he's an addict and a liar, our car is going and we may lose our home if things turn out worse than I think. How do they deal with that? How can I ensure that this does not define who they become? I am petrified they will become addicts too. My son is already more than obsessed with his Xbox. His friends are the same but still......

I feel so overwhelmed with the enormity of tasks that I face as a single parent.....house, garden, all our animals, school stuff, driving to activities no longer shared now. I have no help.

The one friend I told has been ****. It's been over a week since she messaged me. Then yesterday she messaged to say she was feeling sorry for hersel after having minor medical treatment. I said I was in bed with a chest infection to which she replied "are things still ****" I told her they were yes. Messages stopped there. 

Its my daughter's birthday next week. She asked to have three girls sleepover, I can't do it. I am just not mentally fit to cope with that but feel so guilty. Plus I am ashamed of our house. The paintwork is filthy and it badly needs decorating but my husband had no interest in doing it and said we couldn't afford to get it done professionally. It looks tired and scruffy because he didn't care. He only cared about gambling. It's a lovely 270 year old cottage but needs some TLC. I have 19K hidden in my house. Shall I call in a decorator and get it done? I'm scared to spend any money.....but he wasn't was he?

Wishing you all a gamble free day and strength for gambler's partners/families

Posted on:
Wed, 16/08/2017 - 11:42

Compulsive Gambler

Joined:
Before 2009

sorry to hear the chest infection is still rumbling on.

I don't know about the children, it's very valid question but I think it would need a professionals take/advice

There's a lot about your mental wellbeing I think you need to prioritise so could see why getting paintwork done would seem appealing but until you have clarity on liabilities etc I'm not sure it's a great idea - once the painting is done you will surely just focus on the next 'imperfection' of which i'm sure there are many in a 270 yr old house.  Would any of the other girls parents be able to help with your daughters birthday? (i'm certain none of them will be the slightest bit bothered about the paint but get that you don't feel up to 'hosting')  If not is there an organised activitiy that you could get them all to - I know it's more money but maybe this would be more beneficial

 

I know your husband gave you the money but does he know it's still in the house - even by default, i.e. if he knows you haven't spent it/ used it yet then it must be in the house somewhere

Did you ever try writing to him?  sounds like you need answers still that you will not get without his input.  He may have given you permission to sort out his car but doesn't mean you have to.  It's in his name, once you have recovered a bit more why not sort out your own car (if you are going to have to anyway) and be the one in control. You're quite right you have enough on your plate already.

Have you made any progress with the business/ decided what to do with the business Partners yet?  Is it possible for you to sell your share?  Even if you took steps to do so it might be the shake up he needs to start tackling things

Just one other thing, I know if I was challenged that I was still gambling, I would become indignent and pedantic - effectively deflecting away from the core issue and making it more about the statement, so as hard as it is stick to the facts you know.  He has cancelled payments to google but that doesn't factually mean he is gambling elsewhere (of course he probably is but hopefully you get my point) Right now that isn't your concern, you need to know what effects your directly, the children directly and the business directly.  What liabilities are there? who is paying what? where is the evidence of payments being made? What liabilities does the business have? where are the business funds going?

People might find out what's happened as you try and get these answers but that isn't your problem, it's his problem which is  a consequence of his own actions.

Massive kudos to you for continuing to give the children choices.  My mum and dad split when I was 5 and were always amicable in front of myself and my sister, fortnightly visits/handovers and always amicable. Except one time when they argued - I remember that handover more vividly than any other.  My mum only ever ran my dad down to me once - how she managed to limit it to that is beyind me considering what an **** he was but guess what, i remember the day she ran him down like it was yesterday

A sledgehammer landed in your world very recently, you're doing an amazing job to keep things together, it's not surprising you're unwell, that's not a weakness, just a natural human reaction

sorry, another ramble!

best wishes

Posted on:
Wed, 16/08/2017 - 14:38

ALAN 135

Joined:
Before 2009

Hi there :))
I can't understand why it's your job to sort the whole car thing out ? If it's on lease/ finance and in his name why not just leave it until the finance company contact him ,seriously I'd be inclined to use some of the money to go out and buy yourself another and if anything is ever raised Ie where did the money come from then your husband gave it to you ! , I'd also get your decorating done as well , youv'e the kids to look after so if he's not going to help with the upkeep of the house then I see no problem in employing someone to decorate it for you .

Bit of a random post there sorry .

Take care x 

Posted on:
Wed, 16/08/2017 - 15:26

ItMattersMoreWh...

Joined:
2017-06-02

Sorry to hear your husband's dropped you well and truly in it.

If I were in your position I think I would forget about the decorating and the sleep over. And then take both your kids out for the day spend some of the £19k and enjoy yourselves.

Who knows what will happen in the future? Live for the day. Your in the middle of a mess that wasn't your making so have a day off.

All the best

It Matters More

Posted on:
Wed, 16/08/2017 - 17:09

Goodbye my husband

Joined:
2017-08-06

I know what you are saying compulsive gambler, about prioritising etc but looking around at the grubby paintwork is a constant reminder of his grubby secret. I was thinking we would all feel so much better if everywhere was freshened up. It's been the reason for so long I never invite my kid's friends over.....I'm ashamed of our shabby home....and my kids are missing out. I am the world's worst painter or I would do it but I will make it look even worse!

i don't know the other parents tbh as she's only been at the school a year and I never see them. No way I can face sleepover, slightest thing is too much stress. 

Ah....writing to him....done all that.....thousands upon thousands of A4 sheets. That is what he is waiting for. Why should I be the one to write to him? He should confess, admit what he is, even for the sake of seeing his own children but he won't. The thing is he pays for so much (I also pay for lots) and he knows that we will need some money. His thoughts are that lack of money will be the reason I go to him/ask him to come home. He's wrong! 

Ive made no progress with the business at all. I know this is going to sound appalling, but if he has been taking money from the business he could go to prison. If he goes to prison we lose our home. If I tell them about his addiction the can of worms is opened However, there are things I can do that will scare him, without telling the partners. I just need to feel better and mentally stronger before I follow these through. 

I am still shocked to the very core. Eating, sleeping and caring for the children is all I can currently cope with. I do a little each day to progress towards unravelling but can't face more than that at the moment. 

Not sure if any of you can identify with this, but he cared a lot about how we were perceived financially as a family. For example, we went to buy patio furniture and the lady showed us a set that was £1500.00 (merely an afternoon's online fun for him....but I didn't know this) I said "I'm afraid we're a bit lacking in finances (I didn't know why then) at the moment have you got anything cheaper?" He was really angry and hissed at me to stop embarrassing him. If we went out to dinner, he always left an over generous tip. All about keeping face! 

He always turned up to every event the kids were involved in, and I mean every single one. He'd have driven to Edinburgh to watch them in a sponsored silence. Everyone would say "oh god ***** is so good and so involved with the kids" He would leave work for one hour every Thursday to watch our daughter have her riding lesson. So yesterday I said to her "you know dad always made an effort to support/watch you in all your activities" She thought about this for quite some time and then she replied "Yes he did, but only when someone else was there to see him. When he took me to the stables he would always moan if I wanted to ride. He never wanted to watch me when it was just us" You see everything he did was for other people to see.

Someone asked (can't remember who) if I would consider supporting him or drop him like a stone. I tried very very hard to support him through his anger issues. In 2006/7 after I'd thrown him out due to violence he agreed to get help. He visited his GP or so he says and began anger management meetings in a group. Yet even then he was not able to admit his issues without deflecting blame. Looking back I guess his anger was gambling related but I didn't know this. Instead he informed members of the group that his anger was routed in the difficulties of living with a child who suffered ADHD, our son. This was a lie as our son does not have ADHD or any other kind of condition. He did this to empathise with another woman on the course whose son really did have ADHD. He told her we were separated (true)  and that there was no chance of reconciling. Yet he was telling me that his anger management was all part of us rebuilding and I thought we were. He was attracted to her, of course he would be, two very angry people coming together. He started going to her house regularly and meeting her.  He invited her and her friends to have a meal at the restaurant where I was working, I waited on their table. Long story short I heard him on the phone one night in the garden whilst he was visiting the kids. Denied everything but I got hold of her number....called her ranting and swearing (as you would) She was mortified.....had believed every word he'd told her. She told me that her and her friends had felt sorry for me because they'd noticed at the restaurant that I was still wearing my wedding ring. She said she'd felt like she'd been groomed by him. She said he always had a huge wad of notes in his pocket as if this was impressive. I can't believe even after this horrendous betrayal I took him back yet again.

i think I had such low self esteem by then that I was prepared to accept anything......and did! 

 

 

 

Posted on:
Wed, 16/08/2017 - 17:17

Goodbye my husband

Joined:
2017-08-06

Sorry! The other posts weren't on my screen when I sent that so thank you to you all.

I am very inclined to paint, get a car and take kids out. Yes it is taking some of the money but hey guess what, we will have new paint, my kids won't be embarrassed about the house, we will have a car and have enjoyed some family time together. None of the aforementioned would have occurred if he had taken the total cost of all three and flushed it down the online gambling toilet.

I am very sensible with money, always have been and I would certainly not waste it but he has caused this not me.

Posted on:
Wed, 16/08/2017 - 18:22

Goodbye my husband

Joined:
2017-08-06

I have realised that my posts sound like an exhaustive list of feeling sorry for myself. I hope I don't come across that way. I just can't seem to stop writing. I think it's my way of getting the anger out, it feels therapeutic somehow. 

Posted on:
Wed, 16/08/2017 - 19:29

Compulsive Gambler

Joined:
Before 2009

GMH - don't apologise for the writing - if it helps on any level then it must be a good thing

If you go ahead with the painting - enjoy it, enjoy the time out with the children and you don't have to be extravangent to get a car that feels nice to drive, is practical and would be yours (if you decide to use the cash to buy one outright) obviously that would also protect some of the money as the car would be paid for by you, in your name and he wouldn't be able to take it back (even if he wanted to)

get what you mean about the writing as well.  I guess I'd still be inclined - when you feel a bit better - just to try and get some of the answers you need (i,e. liabilities) and you're probably right to leave anything else up to him

hope you get some good sleep tonight

Dan

Posted on:
Sat, 19/08/2017 - 21:42

Compulsive Gambler

Joined:
Before 2009

hey GMH, 

 

how are things, youve been quiet for a few days, hope all is alright? chest infection improving at all?

dan

Posted on:
Sun, 20/08/2017 - 17:35

Goodbye my husband

Joined:
2017-08-06

Hi there

Out of bed for the first time yesterday, still feeling lousy and so down/black

I think I've been using Gamcare as an escape for my own mess tbh. I feel absolutely desolate. I cannot honestly believe that my husband hasn't contacted me. He has not made one attempt to get in touch to discuss the mess he is in. It's almost beyond comprehension that he could ignore us. 

I have tried to get his sister involved (remembering how great yours is compulsive gambler) to see if that helps but Christ!!! Why did I bother? Will someone please respond and tell me if I am being unreasonable here/expecting too much. 

My daughter left her phone at stables on Monday and didn't get it back until last night as we haven't been with me being in bed Ill and my friend has looked after horses. I was concerned that husband may have been messaging daughter and thinking she was ignoring him (stupid of me) so I messaged his sister on Thursday morning.  I asked her to let him know about our daughter's phone if he mentioned she was ignoring his messages.  She  said she would.I explained how concerned I was and that I was in bed with chest infection. I am so worried that he is still gambling and more worried that he is losing contact with his children that I messaged her again yesterday (Friday) telling her how concerned I was that his relationship with the kids will break down if he doesn't do something. I told her they are too upset to see him ATM but just want him to be honest with them about everything. I said I knew he was on holiday from work and I was worried sick he was out somewhere gambling. I sent a screenshot of Gamcare helpline details and asked her to pass it on to him.

This message was sent and read (Whatsapp) at 9am yesterday morning. No response at all, not even "yes ****will do. Hope you are feeling better" or even "ok will do" NO ******* RESPONSE AT ALL!!!!!! I waited all day, evening.....still nothing! Then at 3pm today she replies "Thought I'd replied yesterday (Saturday) sorry! I saw him on Friday and I asked if he's gambling and he says no and didn't look guilty. I can't do much more. He's just concerned about ****** birthday. I'm off to Norfolk til Thursday. Hope ***** has a lovely birthday. Her card is in the post"

Have just sat and cried tbh. She knew how concerned I was in my messages yet saw him and chatted yet didn't bother to tell me for two days.  He can drive for two hours to see his sister yet not 4 miles to see his wife and children who he has just abandoned. 

 

Posted on:
Sun, 20/08/2017 - 17:48

Goodbye my husband

Joined:
2017-08-06

I am so angry!!!! 

How shall I respond to her message?

1) Thank you for all your help.

2) The children are wondering why he can drive for two hours to see you but not 7 minutes to see them

3) I wish you'd told us you'd seen him to save two days of worrying about where he is

4) I'm really glad he's sorting his life out

5) lastly shall I just ignore her message and say nothing?

I'm furious beyond words here 

Posted on:
Sun, 20/08/2017 - 18:12

Forum admin

Joined:
2010-11-01

Hello GMH,

We've moved your thread from 'New members' (Which is ordinarily used for introductions) to 'Family and friends' (Because it looks like you want to keep this thread going).  Well done for reaching out for online peer support here on the forum.  It is great to see all the good support you are receiving from our forum members.

You're also welcome to call our advisers on our freephone 0808 8020 133 or our netline, for emotional support, facilitated referrals for free counselling appointments, or signposting to sources of other types of help, like debt advice or legal advice and so on.

Take care,

Forum admin.

Posted on:
Sun, 20/08/2017 - 18:21

Amom

Joined:
2014-10-09

I know it all is so unfair but you have absolutely no control over your husband or your sister-in-law. Just leave it alone. Try and just think about yourself and your kids today... hard yes but they need this from you.

So sorry for your situation.

Cathyx

Posted on:
Sun, 20/08/2017 - 18:38

ALAN 135

Joined:
Before 2009

Hey GMH .

I'm not sure how usefull I can be but there's already a difference between Compulsive Gamblers sister and your husband's as it is his sister probably supporting him rather than you , sorry to say but as the saying goes " Bloods thicker than water " , you don't know for sure what he's said to his sister and maybe he's painting the picture that it's all your fault as your just " Over reacting " or something along those lines ? .

I know this is just going to sound harsh but If he can't be bothered with his kid's at the moment that's his loss , I'd just try and explain as best you can that " Dad's in a strange place at the mo " you can probably guess what I really want to write but admin would bar me for sure with all the expletives :((.

This isn't going to be an easy or quick ride , as I said before it's almost like " Calling your bluff " " are you going to take me back just as you have on numerous occasion's before " ? . and I'm thinking is this more about who's going to back down first ?.

I may be wrong but it just doesn't look like he's going to even think about admitting he has any sort of problem yet so I might suggest that you just focus on yourselve's and put in place all those things you need to do to protect yourself .

As far as responding to his sister my choice of words would be " Thank's for the ***** help " but you may want to word it differently ? . How about a sterner txt and coming straight out asking " I'm glad he's in agreat place at the moment " but  " When does your brother plan on seeing his children " ? as " They are his responsibility as well as mine " ? .

If you get no response from this then maybe " Ramp it up slightly " and ask a solicitor to write to  him regard's what his intentions are toward's the children , his responsibility's toward you and the house ? , it may make him sit up and take notice but it's also a big escalation as to how thing's progress for you and I'm not sure how you feel about that ? .

Whatever happens he can't just bury his head in the sand and pretend you don't know what's going on anymore and should really stop treating you as some sort of idiot ! .

Posted on:
Sun, 20/08/2017 - 19:09

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

Hi, this makes me so mad!!! His kids are her flesh and blood. My sister in law ignores me too. They have no idea what we put up with. I'm afraid I'd hit him where it hurts and find out a bit more from his business partners. As for her what difference will it make if you tell her what you think? She's of no support so nothing to lose. If you tell her how you feel maybe she'll realise. We sit and hide and tell lies for our cg, everything is a secret. Time for the truth, you don't have to be angry at her, just explain how you feel, alone! Good luck

Posted on:
Sun, 20/08/2017 - 19:21

ALAN 135

Joined:
Before 2009

I'm sorry I just had to smile then :))  I know it's not funny but that's the classic difference between a woman's perspective and a man's . I just told you to tell her to " F " off  and Merry go round's comment of " Just tell her how you feel , Alone " was of course the perfect response , I think I need to leave the good advice from the Ladies from now on GMH  . xx 

Posted on:
Sun, 20/08/2017 - 19:47

b123

Joined:
2017-08-16

Goodbye my husband wrote:

Apologies for so many typos. Just cannot function or type properly

Posted on:
Sun, 20/08/2017 - 19:51

b123

Joined:
2017-08-16

Sorry to hear about your situation.  I think you have done something really brave, youve finally called a halt to all the deception, something I need to do!  You will get through it, youve got your kids and I think youve taken the first and hardest step.  Good Luck

 

 

Posted on:
Sun, 20/08/2017 - 19:57

Compulsive Gambler

Joined:
Before 2009

ignoring Alan for a second - albeit It's been said I'm like an old woman myself at times!

It's not the sister-in-laws 'fault'. Your husband is the CG, she maybe very self obsessed and unable to compute what you've told her and she doesn't on that basis sound that useful or pleasant.

I would strongly suspect from your story so far that you husband has indeed completely hoodwinked his sister (and I think himself still).

Your anger, in my opinion, should all be directed at your husband, however anger isn't really going to get you what you need right now, aside from a good release!

If you can maintain an open door to your husband accessing/seeing your children and reassure them that is the case - it will reap you dividends in the future - they will remember your stance and they will thank you for it.

In regards yourself and the practicalities, personally I think it is time to ask questions through the business but understand your reluctance on this front.

I also think it is time for you to write a letter/email that asks questions you need the answers to, you could open with a paragraph to sumarise:

Dear T. wat (whatever his name is)

Following the recent discovery that your gambling addiction has remained uncontrolled and has put the family in a perilous financial position, I wanted to confirm that I will be arranging purchase of my own car, meaning you are free to arrange the return of the audi, on which you have said you are unable to make the agreed monthly payments. As you have not made any contact to see your children and there welfare is my upmost priority I require you to answer the following, preferably without me having to use legal representation:

How much money will he be providing each month, when will the first payment be made and by how

Is there any debt that I may be held liable for, that you have not told me about

Do you have plans to see your children on a regular basis and if so, how do you propose to arrange this?

Do you regard the house being 'at risk' given your current debt levels/

Have you used any business funds or assets to gamble, is there any risk to the business as a result of your gambling?

etc etc

This are my off the cuff thoughts anyway but as always, I'm sure there will be some great advice given and available to you

I'm sorry this is not getting any easier for you but if you did take the 'letter' approach you could always send a copy to the sister (and anyone else) - send it recorded and it might help if you do end up in legal scenario..

 

 

 

 

Posted on:
Mon, 21/08/2017 - 02:55

Goodbye my husband

Joined:
2017-08-06

A huge thank you to all of you for some great advice. I have to admit I was worried about posting as I've been quiet for a few days and I was a little nervous In case no one responded. I don't think you realise what a fantastic support you are all being to me. Huge thank you to Merry go round and ODAAT who I am chatting with privately who are being hugely supportive.

I get what you mean Alan in that Compulsive Gambler is the brother and I'm only an in law. What I also meant was that even given that it is her brother she has been ****. "I asked him if he was still gambling and he said no, not much more I can do" Wow.....such effort! Mind you this is someone who booked a holiday abroad when her dad was near the end of his life because "she" needed a break from the stress! You made me smile Alan about your thoughts vs Merry go round. Was thinking exactly that MGR, dig around where it hurts him most....and I will.

Good point from Comlulsive Gambler about setting out some questions. I need to do that. Bstep, I am just off to look up your story.

So, it was the four words used by Amom that I have followed for the moment "just leave it alone" I have done that for now. She knows i always reply to messages pretty quickly and would never read and say nothing. So by doing that it will unsettle her more. Not that this is her fault of course but her lack of interest or help is kind of staggering. 

The point made about him simply waiting for me to "get over it" like I have all the other times and take him back is so true I think. I've noticed that he has unblocked me on Whatsapp........clearly expecting this to cause a rush of messages but I've remained silent. He is a coward. His sister's comment of "He's just worried about ****** birthday" was obviously a prompt for me to facilitate some kind of suggestion as to how he needs to deal with his own daughter's birthday. Silence from me I think. He created the situation, let him sort it out. 

 

 

 

Posted on:
Mon, 21/08/2017 - 03:15

Goodbye my husband

Joined:
2017-08-06

This conversation I had with his sister last Christmas might just highlight the sort of person she is. She had driven up to drop of the presents and we met at a pub for lunch. She told me that she was absolutely exhausted with the strain of supporting her friend through a dreadful crisis. Her friend's sister had committed suicide after discovering her husband had been unfaithful, they had two young children.

"Honestly I am just drained, I've tried to be supportive and be there for her but I can't do it anymore. I've got my own family to think of (hardly babies at 16 and 18) and I just can't keep dropping everything to go round there. She's a bit off with me at the moment to be honest, but she really needs to start getting a grip" 

"Gosh how sad and how upsetting for your friend. How long ago did it happen"?

I almost choked on my lasagne when she said "a week last Wednesday" This was nine days previous......

i said "No, I meant when did the lady commit suicide"

"Yes that's what I said, she did it a week last Wednesady"

Wow.....no wonder you're exhausted (thinking....not saying) you could do with another mini break with your friends. It must be three weeks since you went on your last one!

Think it's safe to say I've had my quota of help from her. Thanks!! 

Posted on:
Tue, 22/08/2017 - 10:41

Goodbye my husband

Joined:
2017-08-06

Just reading back over old posts I've written, always using humour and jokes to cover up just how **** I'm really feeling. Why do I do that?

Well today is bad! I feel so terrified and alone, I am alone, I have no one. Sitting in my bag on the floor are five years worth of gambling losses detailed in bank statements. I'm scared to look at them. I can't believe what has happened, I keep crying! It's so sad to think that I have spent 23 years with someone who cared so little that he could simply walk out of my life like this. No word from him, not one! It's my daughter's birthday on Thursday. How could he be such a coward? I don't believe there is one gambling addict on this site who would walk out of their family home leaving a wife and two children (ok I told him not to come home....but still....) and make no effort to contact their wife. In his eyes I am worthless, not worthy of any kind of explanation. 

I know this has broken my son's heart, he looks so sad, my daughter is a lot tougher and younger at 11 so she doesn't take as much in.

The cruelest thing was what he did to us just before I found out. He told me he was going to his brother's 50th in Hants in November. I said "oh great that will be nice for the kids to catch up with cousins" but he told me it was just an invite for him and his sister and that her husband or kids weren't going either. Of course this was a lie. The invite was for all of us but he didn't want us there. My son said "perhaps dad is ashamed of us"

Ive always made an effort to look nice, I'm slim, I think I'm a nice person and my kids are lovely. Honestly I feel so devastated by all of this I can't see a way of ever getting over the feeling of us being abandoned.

 

Posted on:
Tue, 22/08/2017 - 10:46

Goodbye my husband

Joined:
2017-08-06

Please, please if you are a gambling addict and are thinking of gambling today then don't. Love your family, don't throw a grenade into their hopes and dreams because one day you will lose a lot more than your money. You will look back with such pain and know you lost the one and only thing that ever really mattered to you. 

Posted on:
Tue, 22/08/2017 - 11:02

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

Hi It's not you, it's not how you look, it's not the kids. Secrets and lies. He doesn't want you to see his family because they might say something, you might say something and he is found out.   The bank statements will torment you. From deductions you haven't had bailiffs at the door, have you? Have you a mortgage and contacted them? You could see if he'll come and talk? As you've said burying your head in the sand won't help. Look at the last month statements see what has been paid for regarding the house. Go from there. Good luck!

Posted on:
Tue, 22/08/2017 - 22:41

Compulsive Gambler

Joined:
Before 2009

it certainly isn't you GMH

Three best things in your life right now?

Something that you will achieve by the end of September?

 

Posted on:
Thu, 24/08/2017 - 23:20

b123

Joined:
2017-08-16

Thank you for your post ...got a bit wary when it was pointed out he may identify me. Think he just reads message and doesn't contribute but .

Posted on:
Fri, 25/08/2017 - 19:32

Compulsive Gambler

Joined:
Before 2009

how are things GMH?

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