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I've finally asked for a divorce after 23 years

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#1 Posted on:
Sun, 06/08/2017 - 12:18

Goodbye my husband

Joined:
2017-08-06

 Well I have finally done it. It has taken me 23 years!!!!

Two days ago I asked my husband for a divorce after uncovering yet more online gambling. I am 50 years of age, he is 61. Our children are 11 and 14, they deserve a worry free life.

We have no pension funds, he's cashed them all in, no savings. He's just bought a 16k car yet still owes 11k on our other car. He has just cashed in a 24k policy which he will immediately gamble away and I now realise that in my 70's I will still be wondering what he is doing and what he is spending. I have done it for 23 years. I am 50 but look older with worry. That's what worry does, it ages your mind and body. 

It is 12.07pm, the sun is shining and I am in bed paralysed with fear of the future. My children are wondering if we are going to do anything today, my house is a mess,  I need to tidy up but I can barely function. I sent him this message  two days ago "do not come home. I want a divorce. I have seen all of the online transactions totalling hundreds of pounds a week. It's over" he sent me this reply."I have not gambled one single penny"  That was all I needed to read, more lies, denial.

I am going to survive somehow. I know I will look and feel better when the worry leaves me. We have a long road ahead but we will walk it as a three now and not a four. We are a family of three. The children love him and he loves them but they know he loves gambling more. 

 

 

Posted on:
Sun, 06/08/2017 - 14:00

Joydivider

Joined:
2015-03-11

Hi

All I can say is I understand your pain and its a decision you had to make either way. Gambling will shred a relationship faster than just about anything.

It helps to talk so you may need some counselling over this. I hope you can talk with your extended family for example.

He may now realise that he needs help and I would hope that you dont have a major falling out and he now goes and seeks that help.

You are right to protect yourself from uncertainty and it was crucial that you protected your financial position and peace of mind. Its an addiction which just can not be rationalised and I understand what its like living with a gambler. Its not acceptable so nobody here is really going to question your decision.

There is a future for you and some tough decisions did have to be made.

You may like the friends and family section of the forum where you can learn more and gather your thoughts.

Best wishes from everyone on the forum

Posted on:
Sun, 06/08/2017 - 14:51

ODAAT

Joined:
2014-11-10

Ouch :-(  Welcome to the forum though :-)

Sorry to start with a disagreement but I'm not sure Joydivider could ever really 'understand' that amount of pain, although I concur, you really do need to find some external support!  I can't see from what you have posted that you have actually managed to secure yourself financially so do open up & get every help you can because neither you, nor the kids have done anything wrong &  youdeserve it!

My mother gambles, still, she is approaching 70 & back @ work (7 days some weeks I believe).  She lives in my flat, with her pension paid into my account (otherwise the bills would not be paid) & periodically still hits me with a million reasons why she 'needs' to borrow.  She too assures me she's not gambling..."Don't even think about it!", "Far too busy!" like I'm not coming out the other side of a horrendous 30 year affair with the demon myself.  It's bull & I've called her on it for years asking only for her to stop gambling with every high day & holiday.  Putting bank statements that mirror my own with hundreds of gambling cash withdrawals on the same day in front of her would be justified & no doubt walking into a shop & physically catching her putting coins into a machine could be explained away with a **** of smoke & some unicorns.  She took £300 out of my wardrobe in my bedroom whilst I slept, ill, once & denied it until I was about to dial the police, convinced someone had been in my room...Not the pain I was going through with the thought of the violation causing her to fess up as you would expect from a mother, only the worry of not being able to lie to the police too!

You do have scary times ahead but I think you have been incredibly brave to take this giant leap & you will find a path of love & truth, just you & your children - ODAAT 

Posted on:
Sun, 06/08/2017 - 20:25

ALAN 135

Joined:
Before 2009

Hi there .

I divorced when I was 49 after 29 years of marriage , not for the same reason but another addiction and it was probably one of the worst things to go through , it wasn't pleasant in any way, shape or form but then again niether is what youve put up with for so long .

You do have to think of yourself and your kids for once and try to make some sort of provision for your future years , you could stay and try and make him change but the truth is he's the only one that can do that as you never will, you didn't cause this and your not to blame .

Youv'e no doubt been told every lie in the book and gone through many broken promises over the last 23 yrs and sometimes the only course of action is to draw a line and move on . 

As I said it's not a pleasant thing and at times very , very scary but believe me when I say things will work out and you'll learn to live a slightly different but happy life once again , my only advice would be to prioratise on a daily basis what you need to do , try not to look too far into the distance just yet and most importantly take care of you and your kids .

I really wish you the best for your future .

Alan

Posted on:
Sun, 06/08/2017 - 20:40

Looktothefuture

Joined:
2017-07-30

I think you were right to go now Hi - I'm in exactly same boat and on brink of asking for the divorce as it's my husbands fourth episode that I have been aware of that has put me and our two children in vulnerable position - mortgage, school fees can't be paid as he's gambled salary swsy and set up numerous loans he can't pay on top of normal expenses. He's told me I need to sign a form to increase our mortgage so he can settle his debts by releasing equity in house - the equity in house was always our contingency for loss of income to subsidise school fees in emergency but not to subsidise his gambling which he had hidden and lied about and behaved horribly in process - all the anger e.g. When I asked directly - he tried make me feel guilty for not trusting when I was right. As soon as I've discovered it (compared to previous confessions) he's Re set,  certain we can increase mortgage and he can make the difference for monthly school fees by over time etc. He has also the option of additional work with a family member and said he would do all to make it right. But two weeks on, he hasn't addressed anything g other than telling a friend and dr and he feels that will make it different "this time". I sought legal advice who said there was nothing I could do to protect myself and children from current or future debts and even if he gave me access to all his finances I know I cannot control, only monitor and then react. In other words I will slwYs have to both trust and monitor and hope. When I pointed out the mess he stated it was something we would both have to put up with - I suggested it was me putting up with it as he knows what he's doing and if telling truth, he said was as much my problem as his. When I suggested a week stating by his family so the kids and I could have change scene and see our family too in time he's already got booked off work - he said it wasn't only about what I wanted and he had a right to spend time with kids too - seemingly incensed I offer the lift to his family to do the job and help pay off immediate fees for bouncing debits and card fees etc... he claims hard to go in his car as is a tracked work car and not to be used for personal use, . Somehow me trying to facilitate us selfish. Am I unreasonable to think he should use this time to earn the money and show willing or does he need a break with kids? To be fair, he has had plenty of opportunity but he has referred to stay late st work (where he has complained he had to work long hours to keep his job etc and I have to put up with that if I expect him earn the money) when he was actually gambling. 

I've had a blunt apology followed by lots of my faults and things he has to put up with from me (including a health condition which makes my mobility difficult but I manage without his help ) and that I'm not grateful enough for his positive qualities and how hard he works Snd the jobs he does to renovate our home adding equity (he also suggested this slightly counteracted the debts) . He is unkind a lot, talks to me without respect a lot. My seven year old son idolises him and is copying the manner in which he speaks to me. Since being caught out this time (always confessed before) he is making snide remarks via the children. I know it's wrong. I feel trapped though as children don't know the whole story and we can't buy a house to fit me and them on fifty percent of equity. We'd have to move a long way away. Husband thinks he can afford school if we're together but not if we are apart. Don't see the logic there. He's basically prepared work overtime if I stay but obviously not if we sell up and split up. He's not capable being rational. He's doing jobs around the house as if to martyr himself and make me look ungrateful. But he won't address how he's going to pay next set of credit card bills. 

I'm worried this is it for life even if there is a reprieve. Maybe if he gets counselling this time as never had before he'll be forced to see his problem and have to see he is behaving badly. I can't tell. But I also worry if we divorce he will be a really bad influence On Kids during access and mess them up. Maybe I have to stay to truly protect them. 

 

 

Posted on:
Sun, 06/08/2017 - 21:50

Goodbye my husband

Joined:
2017-08-06

Looktothefuture

I will respond to above on your "can't think straight" message in friends and family.

Posted on:
Sun, 06/08/2017 - 21:54

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

Hi my first reaction is can you get your hands on that money before he makes more debt! I texted a friend who I used to see at meetings years ago, she's divorced her cg. Couldn't stand the lies, she said 'I may not be married anymore but I still bear the scars'. There is nothing you can do if he chooses not to admit he is a gambler. You can only look after yourself. I hope he doesn't make it difficult you have suffered enough. What a waste, what a fool. I never understand the lying when you are stood there with all the proof. My husband even rang the bank to query someone using his card, then told me it's a computer error. No one can blame you for deciding to look after yourself and your children. As joydivider says maybe get some counselling from gamcare. I would also get credit reports to see if there is more debt you are unaware of. Safeguard your money too, move everything out of joint accounts if you can. I wish you loads of luck!

Posted on:
Tue, 08/08/2017 - 06:54

Goodbye my husband

Joined:
2017-08-06

Thank you to those of you have replied. I have spent the last few days since discovering my husband's latest debts reading on this site and to be honest the more I read the more terrified I become. I have read posts from young girls just starting their lives with gamblers and can see myself 23 years ago and so regret not running then. I have offered the "walk away" advice to several posters as I cannot see why anyone would choose this life, I did and it has finished me and my children. Why am I offering advice to others when I have buried my head for three days regarding my own problems?

 

i must be the stupidest wife on the planet. Why did I believe my husband had stopped gambling years ago? Why did I stop checking up on him? Does that make me as bad? He has always handled all our money, we have lived a food life and I thought we were doing well. There were signs (big ones) yet I think I turned a blind eye as I didn't want to believe it and then everything was ok again, the signs stopped and I forgot about it. If only I had known about this site years ago.

 

Since discovering his online gaming last Friday I have done none of the things suggested here. I am truly traumatised and pretending it hasn't happened. The only thing I have done is told him not to come home again and he hasn't and that we are over. I have no extended family, my parents are both deceased, no siblings or living relatives and few friends. Faxing up to it makes it real and currently I am too shocked to eat or sleep. My 14 year old son is holding me together and that alone shames me, my 11 year old daughter understands far less. 

 

Please can can someone tell me how to begin to deal with his mess. I feel as though there is no way out. I hear some of you talking about repaying debts, future inheritance etc but my husband is 61. He can never repay what he owes and we will lose our home I'm certain. I honestly feel as though there is no way out, we are all finished. We have no future lump sums, he has spent them all. I truly feel as though I am having a breakdown. I just can't so this, I really can't!!!!! 

 

 

 

 

Posted on:
Tue, 08/08/2017 - 06:57

Goodbye my husband

Joined:
2017-08-06

Apologies for so many typos. Just cannot function or type properly

Posted on:
Tue, 08/08/2017 - 07:27

ODAAT

Joined:
2014-11-10

You can because you have to!  Not sure what time they open but maybe start by calling the helpline?  You will need some practical advice going forward as well as some kind of support.  The helpline can sort you out some counselling & if possible get to a GamAnon meeting where other loved ones will be able to offer you real life support & guidance with how they have managed to move forwards.  

I get that you are really hurting & scared & I don't know what the answer is but somehow you have to keep putting one foot in front of the other whilst you formulate a plan because your boy can't do this alone!

You're not the stupidest wife on the planet, we're a manipulative bunch & my own mother (also a CG) can look me in the eye & lie unashamedly even when overwhelming proof of her behaviour has been produced.  I'm sorry you're hurting & you may need to book a GP appointment because you have to try everything, you can't let this destroy you.  

Posted on:
Tue, 08/08/2017 - 08:01

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

Hi you really need support as odaat said. Go to gp, call gamcare. There are debt advice lines. Do you have any income? There are things you can do to slowdown repayments on credit cards etc. You can call and ask interest to be frozen etc. If you aren't talking to your husband you don't know what he is doing. If he controls finance you need to sort out all bills, mortgage etc. If house is to be sold you have to communicate either directly or through a solicitor. It sounds like you've been hiding from this yourself. That doesn't make you stupid. The problem is we could never imagine gambling into debt, but they are constantly looking for a big win. Try and find a gamanon meeting you will get practical advice and support from others. This is a really scary time but you have to face it head on. There are many things you can do, keep posting, keep asking questions.

Posted on:
Tue, 08/08/2017 - 08:17

Bumblebee

Joined:
2017-07-31

Omg. I have recently admitted my "problem" after 25 years of gambling and lying to my wife. It's only now that after I have received counselling I see what I have become. The lies, deceit, disrespect, etc etc. That's ignoring the £100's of thousands of pounds wasted. I have turned into an animal and have treated my wife and children atrociously. This is all down to gambling. I actually blamed my wife for not earning enough and providing for the family. I earn more than enough to look after my family albeit it is more difficult now due to the debts etc. 

Guess what. My wife has had enough and has decided to separate with the inevitability of divorce. If I can give you any advice and help I would say that despite your other half's actions please don't take it personally. Whatever they have done to do with gambling wasn't to hurt you. They have been gripped by gambling which changes their thoughts and actions. I promise that if they accept they have a problem and stop gambling your life would change forever. You may get your old other half back. That is of course if you believe they accept advice and never gamble one more penny ever again. 

No matter what your age and if your other half doesn't stop, you have to get out of the relationship right away. This may change them  but you'll never know until you give it a go. You have to look after you and any children to secure your future. Your other half will not stop gambling your future away unless they accept it and change. You just have to let the wind blow you in whatever direction it dictates and I'm sure all will be ok without your other half if they're not willing to give up gambling or with them if you're willing to work at it together with their cooperation. 

I hope that this helps. Please don't take what your other half did personally. He didn't mean to hurt you. He is a gambler. 

Posted on:
Tue, 08/08/2017 - 11:50

Lethe

Joined:
2016-12-10

Hi GMH

I'm sorry to see what has happened but you have done the right thing. There aren't any medals for tolerating the intolerable. You though are the rational one in this and if you're to protect your interests (as you must) you're going to have to take immediate action even though you are reeling. I would recommend starting with the credit reports from all three agencies in both your names. You need to know if he's taken out debt in your name along with his own. Sever as much financial conection with him as you can and don't offer any help with the debts he's run up. They're his lookout. You will also need to limit any liability you may have e.g. for joint accounts as soon as possible.

Can you get to a CAB office? They will be able to offer you some advice. It sounds as though you may need proper legal advice too. Some solicitors may offer a free session for an hour or so which would be worth looking into

Posted on:
Tue, 08/08/2017 - 12:13

Goodbye my husband

Joined:
2017-08-06

I think I have been what I now know is enabling. I am not sure I've been hiding (maybe I have) but there have been odd times when he's said things were tight but then it's passed. We have our own business, we have a holiday once or twice a year, albeit in the uk, we have two horses, we eat out regularly, have a nice car etc etc. when you are living a comfortable life like that you don't think that anything is wrong. We had some work done on the house last year and were planning an amazing trip in April as a surprise for our children. How could that be the life of a gambling addict? during the periods when things were tight he always explained it away as business being slow and as that's true at times I believed it. Looking back there were definitely red flags which perhaps I was afraid to confront. So my children have two useless parents....an addict and a coward.

My biggest fear now is that my children will become addicts, having grown up with one. That my son will become depressed or my daughter anorexic. I know that sounds irrational but I am petrified his behaviour will scar them as it has me. From a young age both my parents (I was 5) became sick and by 12 I was a career for my disabled mother and my father was dead. There were no siblings, just me. My entire life I have been caring for someone. Maybe that is why I turned away from the signs. 

He has never let me have control of our finances and has been secretive about money for 23 years. I think now that he actually never stopped (he spent a lot on the lottery each week) and the times I thought he was clean were the times I just didn't notice. 

About two years ago he said that our bank had been put into "recovery" or something like that as the business was really struggling. I later discovered that I was blacklisted too (joint account) but soon after he told me he had sorted everything. You are all probably thinking "god how incredibly naive and stupid" but he really is the most accomplished liar.

There are four of us in our business yet although I am a partner he tells me nothing and I am allowed no involvement.  If I ever question him he just becomes very angry and as I don't want my children to hear these outbursts I don't do this anymore.

Bumblebee you say 'Please don't take personally what your partner did as he didn't mean to hurt you' Don't take it personally!!!!! My god how can I not? It is personal because it affects me personally and our beautiful children. If someone drove a car at your child purposely breaking their legs and then said 'oh it wasn't personal' how would you feel? This act wasn't done by accident, we haven't been burgled or made bad investments. He has PURPOSELY taken our money and blown it.

 

Posted on:
Tue, 08/08/2017 - 12:16

Goodbye my husband

Joined:
2017-08-06

Sorry.....was meant to say a carer for my mother.

Posted on:
Tue, 08/08/2017 - 12:27

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

Hi yes he chose to gamble, but now he is addicted and this is the fallout. Do you have a company accountant? Company solicitor? What liability do you have as partner? Is company solvent? That's where I would start. Get legal advice, you have rights too.

Posted on:
Tue, 08/08/2017 - 12:32

Compulsive Gambler

Joined:
Before 2009

It sounds awful, your whole story, I can certainly believe the acomplished liar part, sadly something I identify with fully.

The not taking it personally, I can't imagine what it must be like beoing the non-gambler but I have genuinely justified a lot of my gambling as a desire to provide a better life for my wife and children, the reality is the complete opposite but I never saw that.  I have ruined my health and my mind by the pressure and secretiveness of it all, ive never wanted to hurt anyone and felt suicidal thinking about what i was doing I just never felt I could stop, I had so much hidden I couldn't see a way of keeping it hidden unless i won enough to hide it, i didn't want to confess as I convinced myself that would be more hurtful

In hindsight I couldnt have been more wrong

anyway just wanted to add my perspective to that bit, i understand what bee was saying.  

Posted on:
Tue, 08/08/2017 - 13:33

Bumblebee

Joined:
2017-07-31

Hi. Sorry I didn't mean to offend you. I guess it is a gambler not understanding the non gambler and vice versa. I agree with the previous post in that strangely some gamblers do it to make things better because of the instant money. It must be the shortsightedness of being a gambler in attempting to please. That's all I meant by don't take it personally. Using the analogy of driving a car into your children purposefully is wrong because some gamblers do not set out purposefully to hurt those around us as a consequence of our gambling. We do not gamble thinking we are going to lose every penny we earn and our relationships. That's all I meant by dont take it personally. I was trying to say don't blame yourself. Your husband will be regretting everything he has done but will probably understand that you need to do what you have to do. I'm sorry if I offended you. 

Posted on:
Tue, 08/08/2017 - 14:01

Goodbye my husband

Joined:
2017-08-06

And I'm sorry if I was harsh Bumblebee. The very fact that you gamblers are even here on this site is a positive for you as you are obviously seeking help and support. The problem is my husband does not have a gambling problem, he is still lying even now. I do not know the extent to which he is in debt as yet. He has never ever shown one shred of genuine remorse EVER!!!!! I have loved and stood by him for 23 years surviving domestic violence, being unfaithful and an addict. I truly believed we were ok. We have just had one of our best holidays, lots of laughs and such a lovely time. This has blindsided us all and I am angry beyond words. I know deep down he thinks this will be like all the other times. We split for a year once and the second time six months and each time I forgive. This is different though. I feel different and I know it is final. This time I have older children (11 and 14) who understand more. 

Can I ask any of you addicts if you had or still have any of the following traits. Being a spendaholic, going to the shops for three things and coming home with twenty? Lying about non-related gambling stuff....silly unnecessary lies, being isolated and having few or no real friends, generally unsociable. One example.....if we went to buy something big, say a car, he would get angry if I tried to barter. He hated that people might think he didn't have enough money and wanted to pay the asking price. Everything had to be to excess.....Christmas, birthdays etc

we do have a company accountant yes. He has now told me he has had to put 20k of our own money into the business yet the other two partners have not done this. I can see it has gone out of his personal account paid to our company but I don't believe him and intend to find out. Should I tell the other partners but what if he has been taking company money and the police are involved. What would you do on this point?

I am now off to the bank to tell them. So scared! 

 

Posted on:
Tue, 08/08/2017 - 14:09

Compulsive Gambler

Joined:
Before 2009

Yes to the non-gambling things, to excess.  

I completely recognise the not bartering mindset. 

You need access to credit reports, experian as the priority but there are three available - there might be an expert available on what the equivalent is for businesses but certainly you need to see your own credit file, preferably your husbands too but not if asking for it puts you at risk.

It's your choice now what you tell other people - YOUR choice, not his.  You need to look after you (and the children and your business)  If you had evidence one of the other Partners was putting the business at risk, you surely wouldn't hesitate.  Even if YOU chose not to say your husband is a gambler you could call for a complete finanical review.  Whatever the state of the business, good practise would be to review current performance and update the business plan - for which you need to take stock of the company finances

I'm really sorry this is all happening to you

I am being completely honest with my wife, for the first time ever and I am having to face the consequences of that truth.  It is really hard but I now recognise the only chance I have of living life is to be this way.  If my wife and I survive then I would be the happiest man alive but right now I am more important and SHE is more important than US  - if that makes sense

best wishes with the next few days, from what you have said I think it is going to be incredibly difficult for you

Posted on:
Tue, 08/08/2017 - 14:18

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

Good luck!

Posted on:
Tue, 08/08/2017 - 18:09

Joydivider

Joined:
2015-03-11

Hi GMH.

Its an illness and it becomes the gambler if I can put it that way. I never laughed in an evil way and thought Im going to stuff the people around me. I didnt know what I was doing until I looked back on it in a proper recovery. It was way more than being silly or greedy for money. It wasnt really about the money...the money became nothing until the cupboards were bare and then it became nothing again the next time I had access to some money Its an addiction that has so much control it tricks the gambler into feeling some sort of normality.  Its very similar to a class A or alcohol addiction in the way it takes over and removes all control over something which is actually killing us

Its complex and based on all sorts of things...stress, depresssion, emptiness, worthlessness, self punishment, and a cry for help. Its firmly rooted in escape and is actually used a stress reliever which tragically only makes things worse. It could only have ever made things worse as its not an income scheme. Its also a form of mind control as the brain craves dopamine from a be good to me feeling. Inside every gambler is a miser and that summed me up really. It may have got worse since my unemployment as I was trying to make money stretch. However it will also develop with spendaholics and people who want to be or actually are big rollers...in a sense thats a fear of being skint or being shown up to be worried about money. It affects footballers and people from all walks of life

"what shall we do to fill the empty spaces" as the line goes. There is an argument that we lost our spirituality and money/capitalism is not a replacement

With respect its an addiction which cares not if the gambler has a more comfortable lifestyle. The stress of providing that lifestyle and the debts that can go with it can fuel a gambling addiction..

I know its confusing and very hurtful for you. I think you are making the correct decisions. This is about your mental health now and that of your children. 

You will become calmer over time as you learn about the addiction and know you have protected your position. When you have protected your position he will have to deal with the gambling problem on his own terms. Thats the way it has to be.

You didnt cause it and you cant cure it. Its a confusing situation in that you also will need a new relationship with money because the horses and the meals out dont matter if there is a truly miserable undertone.

Best wishes from everyone on the forum

 

Posted on:
Tue, 08/08/2017 - 18:15

Goodbye my husband

Joined:
2017-08-06

Well I have spent the last two hours at the bank and it is much worse than I though. Oh my god I really am stupid. How could I have let this happen. It has been going on FOR FIVE YEARS!!!! FIVE!!!!! I think he has spent getting on for 100K. All out of our joint account. It is a joint account that I pay no money into but has my name on and as far as I knew he just paid bill money in and out it went....on bills....not gambling!!! 

What are credit reports? I have no idea. I am going to ring the number on here later for advice. I know he has been taking this money out of the business. I don't want to say what the business is but it has a lot of cash going through 7 days a week plus card payments etc and he must have been syphoning money somehow as his wages would not have covered this. Although I have no idea how much he earns. 

Even since I threw him out last Friday he has continued to gamble online. What does this mean, that he won't stop, won't admit he has a problem?  He messaged me yesterday to say he was bringing 19K round today. This is money out of a recent £30k lump sum that he's told me was from an old policy (more lies I guess) I know he was thinking that I could live off this leaving his entire wages to gamble.I told him I wanted money for food, kids outings etc and that I would not be touching the 19K. I said if he didn't give it to me I would turn up and ask for it to be taken from the business till which he'd hate. He has dropped it off this afternoon along with £240.00 for food/outings etc.

So, my dilemma now is that if I take my name off the joint account I won't be able to check on him. Plus he needs to sign agreement for me to do so. There is £650.00 in there so shall I go online and transfer it to my sole account preventing his nightly online gaming as this is via his debit card attached to the joint account. I am considering telling him that if does not grant me full access to all accounts I am going to the police re his stealing from the company. If I did this he would undoubtedly go to prison or certainly get some kind of sentence. Our children are saying that they will only see him when he can admit he's an addict and get help. We are living apart, will this make it harder for him to stop? What should I do on that point? 

Thanking you all in advance of your advice and for all your kind words so far.

Posted on:
Tue, 08/08/2017 - 18:27

Compulsive Gambler

Joined:
Before 2009

a mess.

credit reports will show every line of credit available to someone.  they show the detail of the last six years, there are many that you could use, Experian is the largest company and many advisors say if you are only going to review one then start with experian, you can arrange a basic scoring for free of for £14.99 a month you can see a full report, it's free for the first month if you have never done it before.  I would recommend getting this full report - takes some time to set up, if you have moved frequently but it will show everything you need to know.  You need to do yours.  If you have any thoughts of being involved with your husband moving forward then you also need to see his. You would need him to set it up but he can give you full access.  The priority right now though is yourself.  

If there are funds accessable, you need to get them in your control. He will have debt that you wont even have a clue about

I would virtually guarantee that he has only used the joint account after maxing every other line of credit available to him

the business funds are not safe

What is does is not your priority concern, you need to secure you and the business, whatever that takes.

He has to face the consequences of his actions, even if he doesn't want to.

I am the compulsive gambler, I can speak from experience, he will be angry, desperate and will say ANYTHING and do anything he can to stop this from being outed. He has lost the right to control that.  Those decisions rest with you now, you are in control, not him. stay strong, be resiliant and do not waiver. Do not give him a penny.  

One day he will thank you, whatever happens in between now and that day, one day he will thank you. so will your children and so will you. Now is the time for this to change.

Best wishes to you and again I'm really sorry you are having to face this, you did not cause this, you dont deserve it but you need to protect yourself now

Posted on:
Tue, 08/08/2017 - 19:06

Cynical wife

Joined:
2015-06-23

A few suggestions for short term emergency measures.

I would advise you to obtain bank statements for all accounts for the last six years. And the children should do likewise for any in their name.

Google credit reports, get yours from all three agencies but if he's denying, he's unlikely to cooperate in getting his.

Put what money he gives you safely into your name.

Get paid legal advice, you may be eligible for Legal Aid, google the Law Society's website.

Go to GamAnon meetings.

CW

Posted on:
Tue, 08/08/2017 - 19:19

Lethe

Joined:
2016-12-10

Hi again

If there's a credit balance in the joint account that's not as bad as it might be but yes, I'd transfer it to my own control asap along with the money he's brought round. Get as much as you can under your own control as quickly as you can. You will need to be on top of the banking daily and you must get online access to the joint account to do this. You need to know what direct debits are going out and when they are due so you can cover them. I transferred most of them to my own account so I didn't need to leave large amounts in the joint (the only account Mr L has access to). It would be a good idea to reduce any OD limit right down to the bones as a desperate CG can and will max it without drawing breath and with your name on it you will be liable.

Credit checks will tell you whether there's any hidden debt and/or any hidden bank accounts. They are available free and instantly via Noddle (Callcredit), Clearscore (Equifax) and Experian through MSE's credit club.

If he has been taking money from the business especially in the amounts you believe it to be it will come to light at some point anyway. There's no helping that and whatever process will begin is out of your hands. My personal view is it would be best for it to happen sooner rather than later before he can steal any more and undermine the business and your position further. Can you get the other partners and/or the company accountant involved to get the ball rolling?

Living apart makes him less accountable and means he's not face to face with his family's distress on a daily basis. If he genuinely wants to stop it doesn't mean you won't be able to help and support with that but ultimately he is the only one that can make the choice to stop and then do all it takes to make it happen.

Posted on:
Tue, 08/08/2017 - 20:57

ALAN 135

Joined:
Before 2009

If your a director or partner of your Business then why not ask your firms accontant for a copy of your profit and loss account ? It would list where the money was going and detail the allocated share of profit to your husband and yourself , so you'd then know what he was earning ? .

If he's continuing to gamble even though youv'e thrown him out then I'd think that he's no intention of stopping anytime soon ,and as youve already been down that route in the past for a year or 6 months at a time youve alway's taken him back so I'm assuming he thinks it's just a waiting game ? .

For some of us Compulsive gamblers the thought of losing our wife , kid's and anything else we hold dear is a wake up call to do something but unfortunately some can continue on a downwood spiral , there is hope but unless he really wants to change , whatever you say or do won't make one jot of difference such is the mindset of a CG .

Just my opinion but you have to make sure that whatever consequences you threaten him with are carried out , I can understand your thought's on calling in the police but what about speaking with your other business partners or at least the threat of ? , the implications of calling in the police to investigate fraud would have have far reaching repercussions for all the partners in the firm including yourself , youd also then be dealing with possible involvment from HMRC and you know what they can be like !.

Gamblers like your husband and myself don't like anyone knowing our dirty little secrets , were a very secretive bunch and quite solitary creatures , so the thought of the big "Outting " might make him at least think a little ? .  

Posted on:
Tue, 08/08/2017 - 23:01

Joydivider

Joined:
2015-03-11

GMH.

My best advice is that your are now understandably upset and your thoughts are rushing ahead of you.

You need financial advice and probably a solicitor. I feel you need to establish the basics...will you have a roof and food before considering what lifestyle you would like to maintain.

It seems that the debts are substantial but I dont know your finances or if the business is solvent. That is your personal financial matters. I would have thought a divorce petition would have brought your husband to some sense of what is important.

Its seems you are trying to do too much at once so its one step at a time. You need a position of strength and then you can deal with things better. Its not all going to happen overnight. Its not going to be simple but it will all fall into place step by step

This is another very sad example what gambling does and how it shreds relationships and finances.

There is a future for you but I think you need some help now from financial advisors and some legal advice.

I do hope that one day you could be morally supportive to your husband/ex husband. Its not a good idea to get him into any more trouble. I hope its not going to be a major falling out but you need to get divorce advice and protect yourself from being involved in gambling debts.

These are all your decisions but you need some local help from reputable advisors.

Best wishes from everyone on the forum

Posted on:
Wed, 09/08/2017 - 03:41

Goodbye my husband

Joined:
2017-08-06

Thank you once again for your kind and helpful comments. I have been awake most of the night (now 3.35am) going over it all in my mind.

Alan 135 your comments made absolutely perfect sense about how he is playing a waiting game, me having taken him back twice previously. I had not even considered that thought. As you say, he is continuing to gamble having been thrown out so the signs of him stopping look remote. Part of me is worried sick as he has constant access to cash via the business and I wondered if throwing him out will exacerbate the gambling. However, he has pretty much gone through 100k under my nose so I guess he needs to deal with it himself whilst I limit harm to us. 

I get that only he can heal himself. I am exhausted with this and need to protect myself and my children. I cannot help but feel enormous sadness that he did not love his own children enough to stop this. 

Posted on:
Wed, 09/08/2017 - 07:47

Bal

Joined:
2015-04-18

Good morning,

There is so much advice coming your way so i apologise for passing over some more.

If possible you must restrict / stop / cancel any access to funds that it is possible for you to complete. Be it speaking with the bank or his business partners which in itself may cause him further problems of a criminal / fraud nature however you may consider he is also pulling the wool over his business partners eyes. I fear there will still be a lot of stones to turn in this journey and (as difficult as it may be) the truth must begin to unravel. He must begin to accept what is coming his way. I fought (not physically) every step of the way when the noose tightened thinking i can get out of this. Now i realise how foolish this was.

Your mind must be buzzing so please protect you. If you need to involve the police re violence or threats received you must.

Perhaps a bit.of time in a cell might begin to force a.mindset although i feel retribution may appear from business partners and associates.

Your braveness shines through on the forum.

Best wishes

Bal

Posted on:
Wed, 09/08/2017 - 10:57

Goodbye my husband

Joined:
2017-08-06

Thank you Bal and to everyone who has given so much advice and shown kindness, both gamblers and their families of gamblers. I feel as though I have taken  over here a little tbh and I hope that isn't annoying to anyone. This forum is keeping me going at the moment and I admit I have used it as a place to hide these last few days.

As anyone in this position knows it is overwhelming and part of me has wanted to pretend it's not real. However, I am gradually facing things steadily, bank yesterday, phoning advice line today and tomorrow a solicitor (who is also an acquaintance) which will be easier than seeing a stranger. 

The last two days I am going through the 'did I cause this?' "Am I somehow to blame?' I left him in total control of our finances/car taxing/car insurances etc. Was this all too much with the running of the business . Has all this responsibility made him gamble? The thing is until I found this site last Friday I had no idea how gambling addiction worked. I didn't realise it was similar to alcohol addiction and that the addict could relapse. I didn't even know my husband was an addict, I simply thought he was a man who had had various bouts of gambling over the years. 

Should I give him warning that I am speaking to our partners. I have no proof he has taken money from the business as it could be from another source.....I really don't know! 

The bank have called me and there have been no gambling transactions for two days. 

Those of you in recovery I pray for you all to stay clean and wish strength to your loved ones. 

Posted on:
Wed, 09/08/2017 - 11:10

Compulsive Gambler

Joined:
Before 2009

to be honest, it's a fascinating thread, very powerful and thought provoking - certainly making me look even harder at my own actions, I'm just sorry it is real life, your life, it's not fair on you.

What was your last contact with your husband?  I am now wondering if you email him and ask him to put everything in writing, tell him that you need absolute honesty so that you can decide on your next step.  

You can say you already know more than you have both discussed so you will quickly know if he is being truthful and open or not.  Your can say your next step is to ask the business Partners for a full financial review of the business and that you will be arranging your credit file but that you want to give him chance to tell you himself 

You do not need to give reassurance of what you will do next

I would be clear that this is a one chance, 24 hour 'offer' and whatever comes out, you would find this less stressful than finding the skeletons as you continue the digging so if he has any respect for you, he will do this. Even if he misses a nights sleep to write it all down.

One thing I am certain of if you need to know absolutely everything that has any bearing or connection on you.  I hope I'm wrong but from what you have said I still think there is more to come, more secrets to uncover

just my opinion but again im the CG so advice from the f&f members on here is probably more valid

Posted on:
Wed, 09/08/2017 - 11:15

Bal

Joined:
2015-04-18

Never think that you are taking over the forum. As CG says above it is very thought provoking and in reality the answers you get will be truthful.

Keep posting and best wishes

Bal

Posted on:
Wed, 09/08/2017 - 11:57

Lethe

Joined:
2016-12-10

Nothing you have said and done has caused him to gamble. That's something I struggled with for a while especially when it was seemingly confirmed by ill-informed comments from family. He chose to start it and then he chose not to start the steps it takes to arrest it. The responsibility is all his.

I think Compulsive Gambler's idea is a good one which may indicate which way the wind is blowing although the reality is it would be very unwise to trust a word your husband says without seeing solid proof all is as he says at this point or any other for a very long time to come.

Posted on:
Wed, 09/08/2017 - 12:13

Compulsive Gambler

Joined:
Before 2009

very fair point - about not trusting a word!

I convinced myself that I never lied to my wife, I was concious that I avoided answering or twisting the facts slightly.

Reality is,I had lied so much I didn't even know what was truth anymore

If you have everything in writing and then find anything different you will at least be able to stick to the facts - i.e. that he still lied to you.

As the CG I would like to think given your actions so far, that I would take this chance to put everything on the table.  Credit files and a business review (maybe the P&L) will be essential to find anything lurking in the shadows

My mess was so bad I had even 'forgotten' about a significant defaulted cc. Think I had convinced my self I had settled it

Posted on:
Wed, 09/08/2017 - 12:48

ALAN 135

Joined:
Before 2009

Hi again .

In your reply to my post you said that you felt sad that " He didn't love his children enough to stop this " , I know this is probably going to sound strange but I believe and from what I've come to learn in the couple of years I've been on this forum that's far from true , I gambled for many many years and never stopped loving my partner and my kids , addmitedly I didn't stop gambling until I'd had enough but the love for them was alway's there . 

It's strange that in the mind of a gambling addict we actually feel that by gambling were going to be able to provide for the family the sort of lifestyle others could only dream of and that were really only doing it for you  ? , this of course in the cold light of day is absolute tosh as it's more about us justifying ourselves to be able to carry on with the addiction and nothing more  .

Youv'e had many replies from family and friends who like yourself have or are suffering at the hands of a CG and all I'm trying to do is give you insight into our thinking process which is far from normal to say the least , there's no justification in what I did to my family nor in what your husband is doing to your's but I had to stop gambling and let the " Fog" clear before I began to realise that what I considered " Normal " behaviour was doing to those I loved .

Such is the power of addiction that the actual money  the cold hard cash means nothing in the end  and all we see are              " Gambling tokens "  a means to an end if you like , so we can carry on with the cycle of destruction .

Make sure your safe and as others have said take control of everything you can so as to protect you and your children from any more damage .

 

Posted on:
Wed, 09/08/2017 - 14:03

Goodbye my husband

Joined:
2017-08-06

Ok....today I have done the following:

Made a solicitor's appointment 

Phoned our bank

Phoned Citizen's Advice

Ran an Experian credit file on myself which came out with score of 844/fair

Set up an Experian free monthly trial

Phoned to warn my mortgage lender of possible attempts by husband to increase, possibly fraudulently.

Phoned Gamcare

I am relieved that he has taken out no loans in my name but aware that his will be shocking. I spoke to Gamcare who pointed me in the direction of looking at how to help him. I will not go there, I want help for only me and our children. He has had 23 years to change, chose not to his choice. Everything I do from now is only for us. He is not a baby (they have more sense) and must fight alone. He has never accepted responsibility and now reaps the consequences. 

Just in case this may help anyone, when I reported my concerns to our mortgage lender re his a addiction, they have raised an alert with financial crime services (sounds scary but isn't) which means our account will be closely monitored by a specialist team for any possible fraudulent applications. One more avenue ticked off!!

Alan, what made you stop? Do you believe it has to be 100% your decision without being coerced and without ultimatums? Do you other addicts believe that too? 

I don't think I could have got this far without this forum. Thank you guys! Very long way to go but we are on the road.

X

Posted on:
Wed, 09/08/2017 - 14:26

Bal

Joined:
2015-04-18

Well done.

Sounds like you need a brew and a biccie!!!

Best wishes

Posted on:
Wed, 09/08/2017 - 14:53

ALAN 135

Joined:
Before 2009

Hi again .

Well done as Bal said on starting to unravel the carnage we leave in our wake , your doing what you need to do for your own safety and wellbeing of your family :)).

Re your question " What made me stop " ?  That's a tricky one to be honest . 

D Day for me was the day I was sat in my daughters garden at her 30th birthday , I was sat thinking how everyone around around me was having a great time not knowing what was going on in my head , I had debt , I'd lied and conned my way through many years of spiraling gambling convincing myself that I really didn't have a problem .

2 day's before the party I'd been reasearching  " Painless way's to die " on Google but there I was sat there putting on an Oscar winning performance in front of my family that everything was fine and dandy in my world, my daughter was due to marry the following year and I remember her asking after she'd thanked her guests for coming to her birthday party if I wanted to say a few word's and shamefiully I had nothing inside to say , my emotions and feelings had been lost to my gambling addiction many moons before , I just muttered politely  that " I'd save it for the wedding " .

Something must have finally clicked with me as the next day I spoke to my partner and my son and daughter and told them in full detail what I'd done , thankfully they supported me along the way however they could and the rest is history as they say .

Nearly 2 yrs now since that day and life's changed so much for me but I have to say I had to do it first and formost for myself , without me changing my thinking process and embracing a new way of life ultimately it wouldn't have made it better for any of them .

We need to fix ourselves first and the hardest thing for a CG to do is be honest , were just not used to it but once it starts happening we then allow ourselves the freedom to move forward and gambling has no place to hide .

I'm sorry for what we put you through and it must be so hard when you find out like this , even if you've an idea of whats happening , the reality must be devastating . 

I don't know what the future holds for any of us but knowledge is power with addiction and hopefully your gaining some power by being here , which will help you and your family on your journey . xx

Posted on:
Wed, 09/08/2017 - 15:40

Goodbye my husband

Joined:
2017-08-06

Gosh Alan that's pretty remarkable! You must be incredibly proud and if not you should be.

I don't believe that my husband would ever willingly admit and if confronted has always denied. He has always lied about stuff generally and is very calculating and cold. I remember my son coming home from school aged around 9 after a health talk on smoking. My son was in bed crying and I asked my husband to speak to him, he didn't want to. My son was asking reassurance that my husband would at least try to give up. He went up to his room but came out after less than five minutes and angrily slammed the door. This began a web of more lies.....made up trips to the smoking clinic etc etc. If a man can stay in the casino whilst his son is being taken by ambulance to hospital with suspected meningitis I guess he is truly a lost soul. That was about seven years ago. I called him but he didn't come and has never felt guilty about not doing so.

what you did was so brave. If my husband had done that I know I would have supported him. Thanks for sharing that.  

Posted on:
Wed, 09/08/2017 - 16:43

ALAN 135

Joined:
Before 2009

I'm proud of my family for supporting me that's for sure , for me I'd just wished I'd seen the light a little earlier in life ..

I guess us addicts have different levels of what we feel is acceptable behaviour , I'm in no place to judge anyone but even I've heard of things on this forum that have suprised me as to what depths we'll sink to  but when were in that mindset we'll do anything to get our next fix so to speak .

You sound as though youve been through the mill a bit in the past and it's the backlash of our actions that stay with you and the kids forever unfortunately , our children look on us a almost God like when there younger and never want anything to happen to us and do need reassurance at times as with your Son's issues with his dad's smoking .

I like to think that my gambling had no effect on my kid's but realisticly looking back I had huge mood swings , I'd become quite good at covering up my real feelings and putting on a front but there were times when I wasn't where I should have been and excuses were made why I couldn't afford something ! .  

I now look back.on those day's in digust if I'm honest and wonder how it all got that bad but I guess just like your Husband it had become so ingrained in me to gamble it became part of my DNA and everyday became a " Groundhog Day " .

If your husband want's to stop gambling then I truly believe the ball has to be in his court , he has to ask for help , he has to go to GA  or seek councilling as it's his problem just as it was mine , if it works out then be there for support but you can't do it for him as I know people  could have screamed at me till they were blue in the face and it wouldn't have mattered until I made the decision for myself , do what you need to do to keep you all safe and spell it out in black and white the way it has to be , then the rest is up to him . x

Posted on:
Wed, 09/08/2017 - 18:17

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

Hi GMH well done you're really sorting your life out! Would the partners in your business not have noticed if he was taking more money than he should? I have become immune almost to the depths people go to. There's someone new on who's handed himself into the police. I've been to meetings with women whose husbands have been to prison for embezzlement. It's an awful place to be, for us and the cg. I can't imagine how that must feel to be so desperate or completely beyond caring. I think my husband stopped in numerous occasions as there just wasn't anymore money to borrow, the banks said 'no'. Having control of the money gives me peace of mind, I know the bills are paid. I've stayed because I love my husband, but I hate the gambler, definitely Jekyll and Hyde. Also I want my kids to love their dad, I don't want them to be disappointed or ashamed. My parents were divorced and my mother doesn't have a good word to say about my father and it's tough. Always feeling disloyal. Anyway I'm glad your moving forward I hope you sleep tonight.

Posted on:
Thu, 10/08/2017 - 13:16

Goodbye my husband

Joined:
2017-08-06

Thank you Alan and Merry go round.

Today I'm feeling awful. The solicitor I spoke to yesterday, and made an appointment to see today, called to say that she couldn't see me today after all as she had another client booked in in the time a lot shed given me. She offered me one for tomorrow but I can't do that. I told her I'd be in touch. The bank still haven't returned my call from 9am this morning and neither has the car finance company. I feel as though I'm at the bottom of Everest!! The post has just come with a confidential letter for my husband which I opened and didn't understand. Something about £2,500 debt being passed by his bank to a holding company and something about 'being sold' I feel truly wretched!! 

I am in the garden with my children, the three of us trying to lift heavy planters and move some heavy stuff around. I already have a back problem so this is the last thing I need. 

Did any of you as partners of addicts find that they became less and less willing to help do stuff in the garden/house, have no interest in how things looked, just couldn't be bothered. Did you notice that they also became less interested in their appearance? My husband was all of the above.

Today is a very down day. We dare not even go out doing kid's activities as we are scared to spend much money. My son said "I think we should stay at home, we may need that money later." He is such a good boy. 

When will I feel better and how? 

Posted on:
Thu, 10/08/2017 - 14:06

Cynical wife

Joined:
2015-06-23

Hi, Good,

Get another Solicitor? There's enough of them out there. The Law Society have a list available on line and if this one has started as he means to go on?

Re activities, there's a website called Days Out with the Kids, which I always found helpful. Or swimming or park? Distraction and activity helps.

The addiction does corrupt thought processes IME. There are no prizes available to you for being a martyr, tell him what you expect him to do to pull his weight. If you expect nothing, that is what you'll get.

Finally, drag yourself to GamAnon. For your own sake. It's worth the effort.

CW

Posted on:
Thu, 10/08/2017 - 14:11

ALAN 135

Joined:
Before 2009

Hi there :)) .

I'm sure these first day's / weeks dealing with lot's of different agency's / paperwork is going to seem at times a monumental task but all you can really do is plod through things day by day in order of priority , solicitors /banks alway's seem to drag their heels for whatever reason .

I can see your reasoning to want to get things done fast but sometimes we have to accept there will alway's be things out of ouur control , all you can do for now is gather up as much as you can to limit further damage and look after you and your childrens need's , something's thankfully in life are free so maybe a walk in the countryside or beach with the children is an answer ?.

Take care and best wishes

Alan  

Posted on:
Thu, 10/08/2017 - 17:10

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

Hi agree with Alan even a walk is good. Gamanon is good, I look forward to my meetings. Keep notes of everything you think of. I would be calling the bank every hour, it's important you need to sort your head out. As CW said, plenty of good solicitors. There is one local to me you email problem and they respond. Yes to all those things about laziness lack of interest, don't notice house falling down. Only one thing in their mind. So it's gone 5, nothing you can do now. Tomorrow is a new day, have a rest, call gamcare if you need to talk. Look for the nearest gamanon meeting?

Posted on:
Thu, 10/08/2017 - 18:20

ODAAT

Joined:
2014-11-10

Lack of self care is a very common trait in us gamblers...No time to shower or shave when there's money to be lost!  It's a tell tale sign with my mum & as for me, 3 years on this site & the sound of running water still terrifies me!  I'm a 44 year old hag who's owned 2 mascaras 1 lipstick & 97 nail varnishes, most of which are still going strong.

I think the end of a marriage when you have invested so very much into it would have been hard enough in itself when you are blaming yourself for things that you should very well have been able to trust to your husband, who was letting you down in so many other ways, to do but add this awful betrayal of having the financial stability pulled from under your feet into the mix, it's little wonder you feel like you're climbing Everest :-(

Truthfully, I don't think it's going to feel better for a long time but I'm pretty sure that, like any good cliche, when you come out the other said of this chaos, you will feel a billion times stronger than you do now!  As CW says, don't push yourself too hard...If planters have been out of place for a while, there's no point putting yourself out of action to prove a point that I can pretty much guarantee will go unnoticed anyway.  I know it sounds crazy but you really do have to try to look after you - ODAAT 

Posted on:
Thu, 10/08/2017 - 18:30

Lethe

Joined:
2016-12-10

Can't say I noticed a lack of interest in the house or how he looked but he'd never been that bothered about either anyway. What I did notice was how old he looked ( now know it was anxiety), the distance, the bad temper and moodiness (which I rose to) all of which contributed to an appalling home atmosphere. It was something that hadn't been there before although looking back there he'd always been ridiculously and infuriatingly fascinated with pub fruities and quiz machines whenever we were out but he didn't develop the hardcore addiction until twenty odd years down the line.That said it didn't take him long to play catch up on the destruction scale. It's breathtaking how quickly this can spiral.

Posted on:
Fri, 11/08/2017 - 16:50

Goodbye my husband

Joined:
2017-08-06

I have had the most awful meltdown, shouting and screaming at my kids, cutting the plug off TV and sky, disconnecting my son's Xbox and taking their phones and iPads. I think I'm losing my mind, I know I am!!!!  My son was crying. I'm utterly ashamed of myself. 

I had to go on a speed awareness course today. When the course started I explained that I'd left my children home alone (11 and 14) and therefore could I please leave my phone on silent. She asked could a family member not check on them. I said I had no family which she clearly didn't believe. She told me to turn it off, it's the rule apparently. How could I say that I was worried their gambling addict father would turn up looking for the money he left at the house days ago? At break time I realised I'd missed two calls from the bank 

When I got home the kids had left cups, cereal bowls, crisp packets etc in the living room, two piles of *** washing exactly where I'd left it. They had stayed inside all day on Xbox and iPads. They hadn't walked the dogs or made sure they were let out regularly (we have three and two are young) One of them had gone upstairs and urinated all over the new patio cushions that I'd stored in my bedroom and there was a huge pool of urine on my wooden floor and all over my shoes. I completely lost it!!! All I saw was flashbacks of my husband sitting for hours glued to his phone gambling (I didn't know this at the time) and ignoring stuff that needed doing. I accused them of being like him.  I called the dogs home to take the two young dogs. We love them so much (both rescues) but it was like a red mist and I couldn't stop shouting. My son was shouting that it was all his Dad's fault not his. I told them to get in the car and took them to the stables and left them to do the ponies by themselves. I then came home and sobbed. I found a picture upstairs that my husband bought last Christmas, a snow scene that lit up. Perfect example of his obsession with excess. We didn't need it, it wasn't even nice. I took a knife and stabbed it over and over. I then rang gamcare and cried again. The gentleman was kind but there was a language barrier which made it hard. He has offered me counselling but it's an hour away and I don't think I can find that time. 

I am so isolated and alone in this. How can I have got to 50 with no one in my life to rely on. I told one friend a week ago but have barely heard from her other than two or three short messages, one being "I'd ask for a divorce and not let him home" I keep thinking she will say "come round for a chat" or "are you ok?" But nothing! Am I feeling sorry for myself?

I can't believe I shouted at my kids like that, I never shout, I'm just not a shouter at all! Have I damaged them? Was that abuse? I can't believe what my life has become. I am still carrying 19K around with us as I'm afraid to leave it here in the house and can't bank it. The lady rang me today from the travel company. We were looking at Tahiti for April or Vietnam but instead he thought it would be better to spend the money on gambling. 

He has told me to sell our car and buy a cheap one. I have no one to help me buy a car. He has replaced his old car with a new one. Now my nice car gets replaced with a heap. Not that I mind the heap, I just mind that he has caused all of this yet we get downgraded whist he gets upgraded. 

I stood waiting for fish and chips in the shop  last night and read all our old Whatsapp messages. I left in tears! Our silly jokes and daft messages.....how could this have happened? I loved him, he was my friend. I didn't need anyone else. 

My world has crumbled and will never be the same again. I can't do this! 

Posted on:
Fri, 11/08/2017 - 17:06

ODAAT

Joined:
2014-11-10

You can do this & you need to start with a breath!  

You are under immense pressure, your children will know that but they are right, it's not them you are angry with & you need to hug them & be hugged right now!

Why can't you bank that money?  It's way too much to be carrying around :-(  And downgraded car aside (I'm sorry but the man is an rse) you're not on the breadline & hopefully with a bit of legal advice you will be able to start to untangle this weave of mess he has created & get some breathing space.

I'm a bit of an offsite Jonah but would it help to switch email addresses?  Forum admin will facilitate this if you think it would be helpful?

Posted on:
Fri, 11/08/2017 - 18:53

Lethe

Joined:
2016-12-10

Can you see your GP to help with the stress?  I did my share of shouting but the culprit was to hand and while it can feel like an itch that has to be scratched taking it out on the kids is a long way from ideal although you've recognised that.

I think that's way too much cash to be carrying around too. The bank are aware of the situation. Can you open an account he can't access to deposit it? Why is he telling you to sell the car? If you own it there's no point, if it's on a finance plan selling it with an amount still outstanding is illegal.

Agree with ODAAT that you need some professional advice to start untangling the web

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