GamCare Logo

Error message

Notice: Undefined property: stdClass::$field_banner_image in gamcare_preprocess_page() (line 61 of /data/websites-live/www.gamcare.org.uk/public/sites/all/themes/gamcare/template.php).
Login / Register

Its over '(

5 posts / 0 new
Last post
Posted by
Messages
#1 Posted on:
Thu, 09/11/2017 - 20:03

Cantseethelight

Joined:
2017-11-04

So I asked my hubby to leave our family house after racking up a £7000 debt last time but took him back. This time he gambled the rent so I asked him to leave, had his name took of the tenancy so I could get housing benifit to help pay the rent as I'm unable to work do the health problems. Anyway I've already write a post last week about that. So I was thinking in a year or so if he can strighten out then maybe we could try again but after today I think I'm actually done for good. We have been auguing all day over texts because we can't agree. The problem is he can't agree that he broke our family apart. He says I was the one responsible for that cause I kicked him out. Ermmm what was I suppose to do. He gambled the rent money and now the rent is in arrears. We have a 3 b year old. He seems like he is in denial saying things like I over reacted by kicking him out and that(God I only spent the rent money). I'm so confused with his attitude and behaviour. I just trying to do what's best and help him. I've tried saying I'm trying to help but he just sees I'm taking things way to far. He has said some really hurtful things today aswell. I think it's safe to say we are finished.

Posted on:
Thu, 09/11/2017 - 22:14

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

Hi can't see the light, damned if we do, damned if we don't. You made a decision and stuck to it. The amount/money is irrelevant. There's always a blame game. Don't feel guilty, you've been brave and done what's best for you. I expect the arguments will continue. Be prepared for everything being your fault! Be strong, good luck!

Posted on:
Fri, 10/11/2017 - 07:17

Cynical wife

Joined:
2015-06-23

Morning,

Sorry to hear that you’re struggling.

A couple of thoughts. Projecting blame and minimising what he’s done are standard behaviours for addicts, they all do it. Addiction corrupts the thought processes. If it’s your fault for overreacting, then it’s not his so he can tell himself that doesn’t need to change and he can keep on using and indulging the compulsion. You’ve faced him with consequences which starts to break down the denial. Also, you’ve set a boundary which should be maintained: I can’t live with you if you gamble away the rent and threaten my security and the roof over my head. Don’t lose sight of reality: gambled money is not available  for utilities, food or rent.

I find that is that there’s an addiction and a person in there and at different times the addiction takes over the person to a greater or lesser degree. There’s no benefit in trying to have an rational argument with an addiction driven by the irrational compulsion to use. The person isn’t really there and the addiction doesn’t hear you. If you find yourself trying to talk to the addiction, it’s best to step back, end the discussion and remove yourself physically - leave the room, go out, call a friend, turn the phone off. And remember that there is no need to be loyal to an addiction.

I would suggest a read of your thread and this part of the forum, there are a lot of stories from people who get trampled on and allow it to happen over and over. That happens when we focus is what’s best for some else instead of what’s best for us. Stay strong and reach out for the support and help that’s out there. And keep your focus on you.

CW 

Posted on:
Fri, 10/11/2017 - 09:43

emm88

Joined:
2017-10-25

Hi and thanks for posting. As has been said above, you have done the right thing in maintaining boundaries that you have set. The easy (and tempting) thing to do as the wife/partner of a CG is to want to help them, forgive them and bail them out but that just means they don't feel the consequences and have no incentive to get help and stop this.

Keep posting, there are lots of people to support you. You have to put yourself and your 3 year old first and you have done that.

Posted on:
Fri, 10/11/2017 - 10:23

Nomore

Joined:
2017-10-31

Hi there

Stay strong and try not to feel guilty as you did not cause this situation. If you're ever wavering I agree it's a good idea to re-read your thread.

It has to be all about you and your child now.

Keep conversations limited to the needs and welfare of your child. You will have to set firm boundaries here too in order not to get dragged off topic and back in to the blame game.

I think addiction consumes a person to the point that they know what they do e.g. gamble rent money, lie, deceive, steal etc. is wrong on every level however the addiction over rides any other thoughts. It causes so many problems for loved ones as well as the cg, only they can't admit or deal with it properly I guess until well into recovery.

You've had to make a very difficult decision which is right for you. The hard part now is not wavering or thinking that 'if I let them back everything will be ok this time' Unfortunately it won't be. Even if he recovers, keeps getting help etc. and the situation changes he will never be able to be fully trusted with money/finances which means more work for you controlling that side of it...forever.

Look after yourself and your child x