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I'm in ruins....

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#1 Posted on:
Mon, 28/05/2018 - 20:10

Mallard83

Joined:
2018-05-28

Posted on:
Mon, 28/05/2018 - 21:30

Lost my life

Joined:
2012-12-17

Hi Alex, dont apologise for speaking on here, you as I have helped to fund this forum, you dont need to say sorry for reaching out. You are not alone with this pain, but you are alone, as only you will have to deal with the consequences of your gambling. This forum is great for listening and offering advice on how to quit, where to go, who to tell. But at the end of the day and the next day and the day after, the recovery has to come from within you. You have to have reached rock bottom and the mind has to say enough is enough. Are you at that position? If not more debt will occur, that is the reality.

Posted on:
Mon, 28/05/2018 - 22:38

lisat39

Joined:
2015-03-27

Hi Alex well done for sharing because it is probably one of the hardest parts we all keep it a secret but please please dont be like me because you keep saving yourself with loans etc it comes to a point were you cant be saved anymore or there is no-one left to bale you out and then you truly are rock bottom with nowhere to turn to and the possibility of losing those closest to you.  Hope you can stay strong and fight this addiction, an addiction I would not wish on my worst enemy.

Posted on:
Tue, 29/05/2018 - 00:05

TheWestSussexGolfer

Joined:
2018-05-27

Hi Alex

Well done for posting, I myself posted on here for the first time a couple of days ago.

Stop everything, self exclude, there are sites out there that can self exclude you on every online betting site.

I have stopped just in time to prevent bankruptcy - going to have  hard next few years but at least i know my debts will be reduced and not increased from now on.

Stay strong - for your family - I lost my marriage and son as a result of gambling, you can save yours. 

 

 

Posted on:
Tue, 29/05/2018 - 11:23

Mallard83

Joined:
2018-05-28

Hi all,

Thanks for your messages of support. This morning I have self excluded from my obvious online sites and then joined GAMSTOP who will be handily excluding me from all the rest which is a comfort.

It's by no means solved this though, the overwhelming thing for me is I've lost big chunks of money in the past, felt sickened and stopped for long periods of time. I've then started again and it's that that's troubling me. I now know I'm not a casual gambler who can enjoy a flutter but never get in to heinous bother like this, there's no in between. I've got to simply never gamble in any form for the rest of my life. Likewise I need to work on what causes this in the first place, I can't ignore it and think it'll all go away on its own. That's why the secrecy part get a hold of you, can you really change in the long run without being open and honest?

I need to work on accepting this and not be scared to confront and think about "not " gambling every day to prevent any relapses.

I'm looking forward to the challenge. I'm fighting all sorts of guilt and disgust, yearning for some of the money back but I also know I should be thankful for what I've still got in life.

I'll be sticking around on here as part of my journey to a gambling free life.

Thanks

Alex

Posted on:
Thu, 31/05/2018 - 20:45

Mallard83

Joined:
2018-05-28

I still can't bring myself to telling my wife, I keep putting it off. I know she thinks there's something up and that makes it even worse as she's worried I'm unhappy and been trying to cheer me up which I don't deserve.

There's never the right time, I've just got to tell her and then everything is out in the open. I'm so determined to overcome this, it sickens me what I've done but it is what it is. Time to get tough.

Posted on:
Fri, 01/06/2018 - 22:21

Mallard83

Joined:
2018-05-28

I've confessed all today and it's gone very badly. I don't think I handled the situation well and was trying to be too matter of fact about it as I'm trying so hard to gain some form of logic and perspective to what's happened in the pursuit of making sure I don't ever fall back in to this despicable problem.

There is no logic though and I know it must be baffling for loved ones to understand. I can't expect forgiveness and support instantly, even though it's probably what I'm badly craving as the easy way out of feeling so bad right now.

We've only been married a month and I could have ruined everything, I think the secrecy is what's the worst for my wife, but that's the horrible problem with gambling. I kidded myself for the past year there's been little issue as I was winning and happy on the surface. What a prat.

Posted on:
Sat, 02/06/2018 - 10:12

Losingcolour92

Joined:
2017-08-11

Hi mallard. Hope you are well mate. It sounds like you have put some real effort into stopping gambling and I had a very similar conversation with my girlfriend recently and thought she would dump me in a heartbeat. She didn’t let me off lightly but it took me showing her my comments on here and having a real heart to heart to make her realise I was serious about stopping. Maybe show her how you really feel by showing her these comments?? The thing is mate she is your world your wife and kids if you have any and of course you want to keep them you love them. You have to fight for them but keep the focus on you and be a bit selfish about this because no mattter who you are with tomorrow or in 5 years you have to focus on your health and this is not good for your health the gambling so make that a top priority. I am back here again after stopping for over 140 days so I am back to square one but I know know I will lose everything including my sanity if I don’t step up properly this time 

Posted on:
Sat, 02/06/2018 - 10:58

Lethe

Joined:
2016-12-10

You've told her which is a good step forward. Many never get to that point  but having been on the receiving end of the news that Mr L had laid waste to everything around us behind my back I can give you a few pointers which may help. Firstly don't expect her to understand. Mr L has never been able to explain it to me and I've never heard of a gambler who can. He gets his understanding from fellow GA members.

She's going to have a lot of questions. Answer them honestly and patiently even if she goes over ground you think you've already covered. She has an awful lot to process and it's going to take time to sink in. Take any anger on the chin. Don't ask her to keep your secrets from anyone she needs to go to for support and don't expect her to trust you round money until she's ready which could be years down the line, maybe even never.

Have you offered her full financial control and access to all your credit reports so she can see there's nothing else hidden? That's the next step.

Posted on:
Sat, 02/06/2018 - 11:32

Mallard83

Joined:
2018-05-28

Lethe wrote:

You've told her which is a good step forward. Many never get to that point  but having been on the receiving end of the news that Mr L had laid waste to everything around us behind my back I can give you a few pointers which may help. Firstly don't expect her to understand. Mr L has never been able to explain it to me and I've never heard of a gambler who can. He gets his understanding from fellow GA members.

She's going to have a lot of questions. Answer them honestly and patiently even if she goes over ground you think you've already covered. She has an awful lot to process and it's going to take time to sink in. Take any anger on the chin. Don't ask her to keep your secrets from anyone she needs to go to for support and don't expect her to trust you round money until she's ready which could be years down the line, maybe even never.

Have you offered her full financial control and access to all your credit reports so she can see there's nothing else hidden? That's the next step.

Hi,

Thanks for this. Yes I've offered her control over it all. She's this morning asked for my bank account details so she's going through everything. I'm willing to be brutally honest and face the problems even if the guilt and shame is unbearable.

Posted on:
Sun, 03/06/2018 - 08:56

Leedsfan333

Joined:
2018-05-30

 

 

Mallard83 wrote:
Lethe wrote:

You've told her which is a good step forward. Many never get to that point  but having been on the receiving end of the news that Mr L had laid waste to everything around us behind my back I can give you a few pointers which may help. Firstly don't expect her to understand. Mr L has never been able to explain it to me and I've never heard of a gambler who can. He gets his understanding from fellow GA members.

She's going to have a lot of questions. Answer them honestly and patiently even if she goes over ground you think you've already covered. She has an awful lot to process and it's going to take time to sink in. Take any anger on the chin. Don't ask her to keep your secrets from anyone she needs to go to for support and don't expect her to trust you round money until she's ready which could be years down the line, maybe even never.

Have you offered her full financial control and access to all your credit reports so she can see there's nothing else hidden? That's the next step.

Hi, Thanks for this. Yes I've offered her control over it all. She's this morning asked for my bank account details so she's going through everything. I'm willing to be brutally honest and face the problems even if the guilt and shame is unbearable.

I promise you will feel so much better being honest about your finances, they will prob already have some idea that it’s bad. You can always earn more money every month you will have a big risk free win every payday from now on. I went through all my debt/projected income with my partner yesterday, we put it on a spreadsheet and it really opened my eyes to how much better life will be GF. Such a relief not having to hide post or explain phone calls from now on.

Good luck you can do this :) 

Posted on:
Sun, 03/06/2018 - 09:25

Bryan

Joined:
2017-12-24

Well done on letting the cat out of the bag . It means that you have another step in place that will deter you from gambling again . It’s going to feel like your world has imploded for the short term but it isn’t that . It’s your mind trying to get around the fact that you can’t gamble again . Whilst in the thick of it we seem to think it’s a normal life , working , losing money , avoiding phone calls , secrecy , stress . In the real world it actually never is like that and the sooner your brain can make that switch it gets so much easier . Gambling steals a lot from us and we don’t even realise until we come to a cross roads . You are there now and I promise give it a short amount of time and your life will improve massively . Good luck and you are doing the right thing . You’ve proven many times that gambling isn’t an option for you

Posted on:
Fri, 08/06/2018 - 14:27

Mallard83

Joined:
2018-05-28

A week on from when I've told my wife, it's been a week of serious lows and then highs and now lows again. I'm all over the place.

We both had a really good chat on Sunday and Monday about it all and I felt a huge relief that I could be open and honest and I think my sheer honesty was helpful to my wife as she was starting to see what on Earth I've done.

I told my family and friends and we told her family and it seemed like this was the start to me facing this lifelong battle to stay gambling free. Everyone has offered me their support which means a lot.

I then sorted some 1:1 counselling starting next week and attended my first GA meeting last night. I can see the power these meetings have in a compulsive gamblers pursuit of staying away from gambling, although I must admit I felt intimidated there last night and left me feeling in a daze. I'll continue to go though as must look at all options as to what's going to work for me.

This morning though I've been knocked down a peg or two, I could tell my wife is struggling and having spoken to her she's not coping well with this bombshell I've dropped on her. I know people will say it's only been a week so what do I expect but I'm genuinely fearful this might be too much for her to overcome.

We've only been married 5 weeks, we've been together over 9 years but I think she's going to really struggle to deal with my problem. I know I've got to focus on never gambling again and I'm determined and serious about that but the anxiety and worry I've ruined our marriage is killing me.

Part of me is screaming inside that I've got this addiction and I've been out of control with it but I'm still the same person she fell in love with so I hope she can overcome what she's feeling. I think the trust has been broken for her and the thought of trying to rebuild that with a person who may snap and gamble everything all over again is too much to bare.

I think I will suggest she speak to an adviser from gamcare for some help. I'm worried I've ruined everything.

Posted on:
Fri, 08/06/2018 - 14:34

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

Hi mallard is there a gamanon meeting with your GA meeting? She would be able to get support there. Gamanon advise wait 90 days to see if things change and improve. 

Posted on:
Fri, 08/06/2018 - 15:14

Muststop123

Joined:
2017-10-03

Stick with it my friend.

You have taken one of the very hardest steps in telling your wife and now you can start rebuilding your life and relationship. If you can stay gamble free, then your life can only get better from this day forward. You will have more time for your wife and family, feel much better about yourself and to top it all be saving a chunk of money every month.

You can’t expect your wife to ever really understand but she will have been trying to process it all in her mind and despite the fact she will want to support you, at times a bit of emotion and anger will need to come out. You are going to have to take it on the chin.

I had similar thoughts about how I could ever rebuild any trust with my wife but to be honest after a week I think you are probably over thinking things that are a way down the tracks. One of the things I struggled with initially in the first few weeks was being impatient and wanting things to quickly get back to how they were before I gambled which was obviously never going to happen. Your wife should not trust you at all at the moment and that is healthy, you are a recovering addict. Trust will come from being open about everything – finances, feelings, where you are, where you have been etc.

Concentrate on stopping gambling. Sounds like you have the blocks in place but these are only to help the temporary urges, now get some professional help (counselling or GA) so you can work out why you gambled.

Good luck and keep posting.

Posted on:
Fri, 08/06/2018 - 15:18

ITDamo

Joined:
2016-01-26

Hi Mallard,
You are doing all the right things. There are no guarantees but if you put effort into your own recovery then there is a better chance of your marriage surviving. As they say, time is a great healer.

Stick in at GA....It may not be for you in the end but at least you can say you have given it a go.

As MGR has suggested you wife may well need some support of her own and she will get it at Gamanon. She will never fully understand why you have done what you have done but she will get to hear stories from other partners/family members on how they have dealt with things and the best way to support you.

Damo

Posted on:
Fri, 08/06/2018 - 15:25

Mallard83

Joined:
2018-05-28

Thanks for your comments everyone, there is no going back for me to my old habits whatever happens in my life in the future.

Posted on:
Fri, 08/06/2018 - 23:50

Progress

Joined:
2018-03-15

Hi Mallard

I really feel for you and truly hope that your wife can see past this issue and get a grasp on the fact that you’re doing all you can to protect your future together. It may be hard for her to believe this at first given your recent actions but stay committed and do everything possible to keep this at bay. I can sense the conviction in your words, I can tell that you mean this. I know this because I’ve spent the past year or two uttering sentences that lack the conviction I can see in yours. I last gambled on Sunday and lost a big sum of money which I borrowed of my parents. I’m ashamed of myself, I don’t have a partner currently but if I did I’m certain they’d loathe me too. I exhasted all means of borrowing from creditors and then turned to my family and blew everything I could squeeze out of them. This addiction knows no limits and takes us to places that are darker than pitch black. This is my first post on the forum in a very long while. I’m holding of making a new diary post until I reach 10 day’s GF so I can write what will be my final thread with some sense of integrity. I’ve only ever placed bets on my smartphone and I’m going to purchase gamban and register to gamstop. I’ve already replaced my debit card and the new one is still in the envelope in the hands of my mother who I’ve opened up to fully for this first time.

Stay vigilant and be cautious when feeling vulnerable. Relapses have destroyed me and my well-being but I’m building up from the bottom again. I’m rooting for you man, all the very best.

Posted on:
Sat, 09/06/2018 - 18:35

Mallard83

Joined:
2018-05-28

Progress wrote:

Hi Mallard

I really feel for you and truly hope that your wife can see past this issue and get a grasp on the fact that you’re doing all you can to protect your future together. It may be hard for her to believe this at first given your recent actions but stay committed and do everything possible to keep this at bay. I can sense the conviction in your words, I can tell that you mean this. I know this because I’ve spent the past year or two uttering sentences that lack the conviction I can see in yours. I last gambled on Sunday and lost a big sum of money which I borrowed of my parents. I’m ashamed of myself, I don’t have a partner currently but if I did I’m certain they’d loathe me too. I exhasted all means of borrowing from creditors and then turned to my family and blew everything I could squeeze out of them. This addiction knows no limits and takes us to places that are darker than pitch black. This is my first post on the forum in a very long while. I’m holding of making a new diary post until I reach 10 day’s GF so I can write what will be my final thread with some sense of integrity. I’ve only ever placed bets on my smartphone and I’m going to purchase gamban and register to gamstop. I’ve already replaced my debit card and the new one is still in the envelope in the hands of my mother who I’ve opened up to fully for this first time.

Stay vigilant and be cautious when feeling vulnerable. Relapses have destroyed me and my well-being but I’m building up from the bottom again. I’m rooting for you man, all the very best.

Thanks for your kind words mate, I wouldn't wish what we're all going through on anyone but being able to relate to others on here does help and is massively important for perserverence.

You sound like you're on the next step to cracking this mate so keep at it as well. The feeling of beating this will be better than any false high from past gambling experiences. I welcome the day but take each day at a time!!

All the best

Posted on:
Tue, 12/06/2018 - 00:08

Progress

Joined:
2018-03-15

What you say is very true, whenever I leave this site and stop posting I forget the pain & misery then revert back to old ways. Staying active and connecting with likeminded people who understand the trails and tribulations of this crud is paramount to our ‘survival’ as non gamblers. 

Posted on:
Tue, 12/06/2018 - 19:40

Mallard83

Joined:
2018-05-28

Progress wrote:

What you say is very true, whenever I leave this site and stop posting I forget the pain & misery then revert back to old ways. Staying active and connecting with likeminded people who understand the trails and tribulations of this crud is paramount to our ‘survival’ as non gamblers. 

That's one of the main reasons gamblers anonymous is very powerful in staying gambling free from what I'm learning, you simply aren't allowed to forget where you once were and how horrible it was.

A daily routine of some self help focusing on positivity and how you're going to beat this is also giving me an added boost. There's plenty of ups and downs to come from this I'm sure but I won't be gambling again.

Posted on:
Wed, 13/06/2018 - 10:43

Colt11

Joined:
2014-06-26

Hi mate

 

You are in the same position as me- i had to tell my wife and it is by far the hardest thing to do enroute to your recovery, however at the same time it was the most important. That was 2 and a bit years ago- i have had relapses since then but im now 584 days free from it and life has never been better.

We talk alot! Mostly about the good times to come when we are debt free next summer, but we also talk about the dark times. She still asks me alot of questions about how i felt during certain times during gambling and if i am getting any urges. I am always 100 percent honest with her now and the trust is slowly coming back. She has access to all the finances including credit cards in my name and we have joint accounts. Its physically impossible for me to gamble now (mainly due to the fact we live on 80 quid a week for 4 of us. I also gave her my login details for this site so she could see an read about other people. Shes probably reading this now!-  If you are hun can you get the chicken out of the freezer)

My point is mate communication is everything- talk as often as physically possible, tell her how much she is helping you just by sticking by you and dont rush anything- this will all be one massive shock.

 

Stay strong you can do it.

Posted on:
Wed, 13/06/2018 - 19:18

Mallard83

Joined:
2018-05-28

Colt11 wrote:

Hi mate

 

You are in the same position as me- i had to tell my wife and it is by far the hardest thing to do enroute to your recovery, however at the same time it was the most important. That was 2 and a bit years ago- i have had relapses since then but im now 584 days free from it and life has never been better.

We talk alot! Mostly about the good times to come when we are debt free next summer, but we also talk about the dark times. She still asks me alot of questions about how i felt during certain times during gambling and if i am getting any urges. I am always 100 percent honest with her now and the trust is slowly coming back. She has access to all the finances including credit cards in my name and we have joint accounts. Its physically impossible for me to gamble now (mainly due to the fact we live on 80 quid a week for 4 of us. I also gave her my login details for this site so she could see an read about other people. Shes probably reading this now!-  If you are hun can you get the chicken out of the freezer)

My point is mate communication is everything- talk as often as physically possible, tell her how much she is helping you just by sticking by you and dont rush anything- this will all be one massive shock.

 

Stay strong you can do it.

Thanks for this, it's a big shot in the arm.

I've had my first counselling session through GAMCARE tonight, well more of an assessment session but still it's a start. Got another GA meeting tomorrow and I've been doing a fair bit of self help which is encouraging me to stay positive.

I will smash this habit to pieces. Bring it on.