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I want to understand the parallel universe

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#1 Posted on:
Mon, 02/04/2018 - 10:51

Anniej

Joined:
2018-03-29

hi,

As some of you will know I’m new to being a gamblers partner.  I still don’t fully understand what I’m up against here.  I just wondered if anyone else had any experience of their partner living in a parallel universe where none of this matters and everything is all ok, until I point out that it’s not?  At that point the argument starts and I’m painted as the bad guy. 

As I said above I’m just trying to get a better understanding of the situation I’ve found myself in.

 

 

 

 

Posted on:
Mon, 02/04/2018 - 12:50

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

Hi Annie what do you want to understand? Escapism is different for everyone. Coping mechanisms are different for everyone. Addiction has many forms, compulsive gamblers are all different. Some drink and gamble, some horses, some casino, some stocks and shares, sports betting. I understand the 'using' but why they don't stop is the unanswerable question. I don't really want to understand, it's all chaos and no reason to it. Understanding sometimes leaves you wide open for being deceived. The parallel universe doesn't exist. It's about hiding, not feeling, not coping, looking for their fix. Pretending everything is ok is denial. Learn more about addiction and letting go.

Posted on:
Mon, 02/04/2018 - 13:01

Anniej

Joined:
2018-03-29

I guess I just want to understand what’s going through his head at the moment.  He’s been so up and down and cannot see anything from my side of things.  Everything is all up in the air.  We have a holiday booked next month and it’s looking like I’ll have to go on my own as he won’t have the spending money to go and this probably sounds really silly to anyone who’s been here for years but I just don’t understand what he’s doing or why.  I feel I need to know more so that I can be prepared for the days that come until I hear about counselling.  

Posted on:
Mon, 02/04/2018 - 16:14

Lethe

Joined:
2016-12-10

They very often don't understand it themselves let alone being able to explain it to anyone else. It's why the standard advice for them is attending GA where the fellow members will get it in a way we never will. I don't want to understand either. That way lies a potential weakening of the boundaries I have set for my own safety and reassurance. What I did do was read everything I could get my hands on including this forum. Really though as MGR says it's best not to expect too much in the way of reason. It doesn't exist in the face of addiction.

Posted on:
Mon, 02/04/2018 - 20:03

Anniej

Joined:
2018-03-29

Thank you for replying I’ve just been struggling to come to terms with all of this recently.  It’s stressed me to the point of feeling ill.  However my partner left today for a week over my refusal to give him money so I will see how this week pans out 

Posted on:
Mon, 02/04/2018 - 20:14

ODAAT

Joined:
2014-11-10

It’s called living in a fairytale world in my GA literature & I can no more make sense of it now, 3 years after I 1st sought help than I could then :-( 

The argument starting after you dare to point out the crazy is denial & the finger pointing after that, blame!  

You can drive yourself mad trying to make sense of it but that’s not your job, you didn’t cause any of this & the best thing you can do is figure out how to take care of you - ODAAT 

Posted on:
Mon, 02/04/2018 - 22:11

Anniej

Joined:
2018-03-29

Thank you I’m looking after me.  He’s left tonight over money so I have a week to work things out in my head and figure out what I want.  It’s been a crazy 18 months and I wish I could help more than I have done 

Posted on:
Mon, 02/04/2018 - 23:09

tara2

Joined:
2013-01-27

Taking care of yourself is the best help for any addict.  when a friend, loved one, family member is staying strong in themselves /taking care of themselves... it really helps.  Learning about the addiction shows that your care and you can learn about the best ways to handle things from others who have been there.  Take care!  tara2

Posted on:
Tue, 03/04/2018 - 07:32

Anniej

Joined:
2018-03-29

Thanks Tara I’m googling as much as I can trying to make sense of everything.  I’m trying to look after myself but I’m not sleeping.  My partner left yesterday afternoon.  I don’t know where he is and the stress and worry is a bit much at the mo

Posted on:
Sun, 15/04/2018 - 12:03

Blue wings

Joined:
2018-01-05

Hi Annie, 

I hope you have some peace of mind & things are going well for you. The truth is you never know whats true in their heads because they don’t know.

After 2.5 years I found out my partner was a GA. I’d been driven crazy for months leading up to the end trying to work out what was going on. When I finally found out he walked out. 

The person you love dearly is in there and has all the answers but the truth is that being honest with themselves could destroy them completely. I fell in love with a gambling addict. His fun and playfulness came from winning a bet. His need for hugs and closeness came from losing bets. I didn’t know this & i’ve made the choice that I don’t want that in my life. He doesn’t want to help himself & I don’t want to suffer anymore. I still love him dearly but I love my peace of mind more.

I hope you find some peace xx

Posted on:
Sun, 15/04/2018 - 14:47

valdab

Joined:
2018-03-10

'His fun and playfulness came from a winning bet. His need for hugs and closeness came from a losing bet.'

This has really hit a cord with me. This is absoutley so so true. I know because I am a gamling addict and this is EXACTLY how I was in my last relationship when I was in the throws of my secret addiction. I would recongise the signs in someone else immediately...as the saying goes...It takes one to know one!