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I really don't know what to do

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#1 Posted on:
Mon, 19/06/2017 - 19:41

Time will tell

Joined:
2017-06-19

Hi I am new here.

Two months ago I found out my husband of nearly five years has gambled just over £20000.00 on credit cards and loans.

I have since then been on a nightmare of a rollercoaster discovering that the man I thought I knew and loved is a liar and spent 18 months marriage feeding me a string of lies.

He is also suffering from depression which I have also just found out about.
I feel so stupid that i was bumbling along thinking i was blissfully married and didnt notice what was going on behind the scenes.

I look at him now and don't recognise him.

I am finding it really hard forgiving and helping him when he has hurt me so deeply.

Posted on:
Mon, 19/06/2017 - 21:07

Lethe

Joined:
2016-12-10

Hi

Sorry to see this. The way you are feeling is very natural. Unfortunately you are the rational one in this and even though you are still reeling there are things which you have to make happen to protect your interests.

You can't trust a word he says without seeing proof for yourself so don't. No need to feel you have to forgive him either. You can't force yourself into feeling things you don't and what you feel matters too.

Establish the true extent of the debt with access to his credit reports from all three agencies, lock down the finances so he can't touch them and get everything you can into your sole name. Sever as much financial connection wioth him as you can and don't take out debt on his behalf you could end up liable for. Once you have the finances watertight you have breathing space to see if he plans to stop and is taking the action that shows he means it. Part of that will be him investigating how his debt is to be repaid. If he doesn't want to stop he won't and if you find that's the way the land lies you then have choices to make about what you want, need and deserve from a life partner and how you want life to be. All the time he's gambling it's highly unlikely the two will match up.

Read up on the addiction and get some RL support from friends and family or groups such as Gamanon. It's very easy to get consumed by it all but the fact is you can't help him until he wants to be helped. In the meantime put yourself and what you want first.

Posted on:
Mon, 19/06/2017 - 21:55

Time will tell

Joined:
2017-06-19

Hi

Thank you so much for your reply.

I am lucky I suppose in the fact that the only thing we are tied together with is our marriage.

We have no joint bank account, no joint car, no house. I rent and the tenancy and bills are all in my name.

I thought that we were working together towards the same dream of buying a house but obviously not. And i should thank my lucky stars that we hadn't as my house could be at risk.

I have tried to help and support him right now. He admits there is a problem and i have managed go get him to go to the doctors to gambling meetings and talk to step change about his debt.

I am working on auto pilot. I do try and take time out for myself and make sure I spend time with friends, and i enjoy going to work just to escape the madness.

He left himself with 91 pence after he got paid last month, not even paying his creditors, so this month I am paying for everything.
Except his debts I won't pay them!

I have thought about throwing him out many times. Every time I dicover new lies. I just can't stop myself thinking is this want I want from a marriage? Even if he gets help...will i ever trust him again? Will I always be checking his post and pockets. Will I always have to control the finances?

But if I did leave him where would he go? How could he afford it? He has no close family or friends! Would his depression get worse? Would he do something silly?

Thanks for listening ☺

Posted on:
Mon, 19/06/2017 - 22:56

Cynical wife

Joined:
2015-06-23

Hi,

The problem with thinking that its for you to keep a roof over his head and prevent him from self harm, the problem with that is that boundaries evaporate. There's no sanction to be enforced, he can gamble if he wants to and he'll stay protected. 

You didn't Cause it, you can't Control it and you can't Cure it. As you've found. 

Focus on you, get the support that you need to cope call the helpline, go to GamAnon. Let him sort him.

CW

 

Posted on:
Tue, 20/06/2017 - 07:09

Lethe

Joined:
2016-12-10

Hi again

Concur with above. CG's lose the connection between action and consequence and we f&f very often end up shielding them from that albeit with the very best intentions.

re trust - it's absolutely fine not to trust him. A CG can arrest the addiciton but it's never cured and a recovering gambler is still only ever one bet away from repeating the cycle of disaster. If he has an ounce of self awareness he will understand why you don't trust him. I still handle everything, still see receipts to make sure there's no cash taken out under cover of legitimate shopping, still have everything in my sole name and still open post. I have no plans to change that and Mr L complies as I need it for my reassurance and it's another layer of protection for him too. This though is part of deciding what you want and how you want to live going forward.

Posted on:
Thu, 22/06/2017 - 19:13

CG Wife

Joined:
2017-06-22

Hi, 

I am also new on here and reading your story inspired me to post as your situation is so similar to mine. 

I have been married for almost 5 years and 6 weeks ago found out that my husband has been compulsively gambling for the last 18 months. He is £20,000 in debt from loans that he took  to gamble with. He has also recently been diagnosed with depression and will be going to CB therapy soon as he's just been referred.  The lies he has told and the bravado that he has put on is ridiculous and endless. 

I feel like he is like Jekyl and Hyde! But he is definitely not the man I fell in love with. And what's sadder is that he isn't getting off his *** to do anything about it. So I'm thinking why should I? 

We are are tied together by a house and 20 month daughter as well as our marriage. However, I have made the decision to sell the house which is currently going though, so that we aren't financially linked anymore and my daughter and I are moving back in with my family. He has been living at his mums since his confession which only came because he'd been denied other loans and had no money to get to work. 

With the sale of the house he can pay off his debts and I can start a fresh. 

I desperately want him to take hold of his life and his addiction and be that man that I married again so that our family can be together but from going to counselling myself and reading stories in here, I have come to understand that I cannot control this. I can only make decisions for me and my daughter and hope that he will make the right choices for him, and if he does, then we may have a future. 

I feel lost at times, strong at others, and numb or ****** off at others. 

I don't share my feelings with my husband because he just gets defensive or he shuts down. Thankfully I have a great network of friends and family who are all very supportive so I would recommend talking to people that you trust and maybe counselling for yourself as it has really helped me to understand more about addiction as well as my own thoughts and feelings. 

I hope things start getting better for you soon. I hope that hearing how someone else is in a similar boat to you helps and that I am just as confused and lost as you probably are. Take care of you. 

Posted on:
Thu, 29/06/2017 - 19:20

Time will tell

Joined:
2017-06-19

It is pay day tomorrow and I feel sick to my stomach.

He has really upset me tonight.
He has had the last two days off and was meant to be phoning all his creditors to tell them he is entering a debt plan. I have been at work and feel like I have had to chase him constantly by message. I get told its really hard for him and when he does anything it is as if he expects to be rewarded for it. I am running out of energy, having to push him to take control.

Tomorrow will be a nightmare. I can't close his bank account yet as the are debits that have to come out but i need to make sure that i take his phone off him tomorrow and get him to transfer the rest to me first thing.

Posted on:
Thu, 29/06/2017 - 20:52

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

Hi can you check it tonight. My husbands salary sometimes used to hit the account the night before. You are doing fine trying to juggle your job and him is a stress but once it's done it's fine. Yes he will want you to be grateful and praise him. Whatever we think and feel, it is a major step and really difficult for the cg to hand over their finance. It will make your life easier to thank him however much you don't want to. These are all steps in the right direction, it's a tough road. Once you have control it will hopefully get easier.

Posted on:
Fri, 30/06/2017 - 10:55

Time will tell

Joined:
2017-06-19

Well that did not go well at all.

I saw a monster this morning.

Last night I turned off our BT internet, took his phone and another one I found he was hiding.

Placed them in a locked tin. Thus morning he was awake early, acting strange. I handed him his phone and asked him to log onto his banking and transfer his money to me. His breathing got heavy, his hands shook until he stood up and said he couldn't do it. I asked for his phone back and
And we actually got into a physical struggle.

So that is that, i have decided I can't do this. He is not well at all, it has taken over him.

Posted on:
Fri, 30/06/2017 - 11:55

Forum admin

Joined:
2010-11-01

Hello Time will tell

I'm sorry to hear about what happened this morning. I have to ask, do you feel safe? It seems like at the moment your partner's addiction will mean he puts the gambling before everything else, to the extent that he would physically fight you to be able to keep doing it. 

Please contact us on the HelpLine, 0808 8020 133 if you would like support to work out what you are going to do next. If you don't feel safe, contact Refuge/Women's Aid on 0808 2000 247.

Try and get some support for youself today, even if it is just coffee with a friend.

Look after yourself,

Forum Admin

Posted on:
Fri, 30/06/2017 - 21:46

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

Dear time will tell you must be pretty shaken by what happened. He's not ready and in the grip of this horrible addiction. You are powerless and there is nothing you can do. Just look after yourself. Hope you're ok

Posted on:
Sat, 01/07/2017 - 08:44

Time will tell

Joined:
2017-06-19

I told him last night that our marriage is over. I just cant do it.

Posted on:
Sat, 01/07/2017 - 09:39

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

I'm so sorry. Did that shock him? Just worry about you, make sure your money is safe. I really do hope you're ok and have some support.

Posted on:
Sat, 01/07/2017 - 10:56

Lethe

Joined:
2016-12-10

Sorry to see this but you are absolutely right in putting yourself, your safety and your sanity first.

Posted on:
Sat, 01/07/2017 - 11:05

holsyt

Joined:
2017-05-28

Sorry to hear, but well done for having the confidence to do something to change your situation. Just look after you, and find whatever support you can to help you through this x

Posted on:
Sat, 01/07/2017 - 22:13

Bury all your s...

Joined:
2017-06-30

Gamblers are fantasic at lying to their family and friends. Don't feel stupid for not knowing that any of this was going on. He didn't want you to know and the only thing he had sucess in was learning how to lie to the people who loves him and push aside feelings of guilt.

My boyfriend is a gambler. The betrayal is horrendus. You start questioning everything. Am I good enough? Could I have stopped this? Why didn't I know? How can I stop this? Will this happen again? Should I leave?

Be angry. Hell, you deserve to be.

But don't lose controll. I found that shouting and screaming just leads to my partner being more secretive. 

Gambling really is an addiction like that of drink and drugs. It changes you. When they are in that addiction they are blinded purly by that need. Nothing else is on their mind. Just the need for the thrill.

I've tried to get my partner on here and to get help. He always says he wants to stop and he knows he has a problem, but always says "just getting the last bit of it out of me, then i'll be ok" nonsence. I've also suggested adrenaline activitys to get thrills elsewhere, and hobbies to just keep his mine occupied...sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. 

I've just read your update. I'm sorry to hear that. I hope he realises the true extent of what he has done and gets some serious and immeditate help.

I hope you are ok and  wish you the best.

Posted on:
Thu, 06/07/2017 - 18:20

Time will tell

Joined:
2017-06-19

Even now he still can't tell the truth!!!

He left on sunday afternoon, telling me he was going to stay with a friend from work, whilst looking for a room to stay.

He left with a rucksack and told me he would collect his stuff which was packed on monday.

On monday he said he couldnt collect it.

On tuesday he said he couldnt collect it.

I then found out he was in a bed and breakfast!

Messaged him today and he still hasnt found anywhere.

He wont reach out to his family, he wont ask people for help. He said he isnt ready

Posted on:
Thu, 06/07/2017 - 19:09

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

Hi time will tell. He's probably still gambling, can't admit to it and won't tell his family you've asked him to leave. He doesn't know what to do. You must be trying to get your head straight too. Have you called the helpline? You need support too x

Posted on:
Wed, 12/07/2017 - 22:26

Time will tell

Joined:
2017-06-19

Arghhh its been 2 weeks since my husband left and i feel lilke i cant move on because he isnt sorting anything.

I am still getting numerous letters and calls to my address daily from creditors. He is just staying with a work friend so i have no forwarding address to give.

All his stuff is packed and still under my stairs which he promises to collect until i get a message always cancelling.

I just get messages saying i will sort it.

I made the choice to end this and move on which i cant do until he releases me of these worries.

Posted on:
Thu, 13/07/2017 - 11:08

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

Hi time will tell I think you have a couple of options. You set time and date, tell him no show and the lot goes to his parents. Or seek legal advice. You are in charge, you decide when, he's still deciding and toying with your emotions. Good luck x