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I really don't know what to do

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#1 Posted on:
Mon, 19/06/2017 - 19:41

Time will tell


Hi I am new here.

Two months ago I found out my husband of nearly five years has gambled just over £20000.00 on credit cards and loans.

I have since then been on a nightmare of a rollercoaster discovering that the man I thought I knew and loved is a liar and spent 18 months marriage feeding me a string of lies.

He is also suffering from depression which I have also just found out about.
I feel so stupid that i was bumbling along thinking i was blissfully married and didnt notice what was going on behind the scenes.

I look at him now and don't recognise him.

I am finding it really hard forgiving and helping him when he has hurt me so deeply.

Posted on:
Mon, 19/06/2017 - 21:07




Sorry to see this. The way you are feeling is very natural. Unfortunately you are the rational one in this and even though you are still reeling there are things which you have to make happen to protect your interests.

You can't trust a word he says without seeing proof for yourself so don't. No need to feel you have to forgive him either. You can't force yourself into feeling things you don't and what you feel matters too.

Establish the true extent of the debt with access to his credit reports from all three agencies, lock down the finances so he can't touch them and get everything you can into your sole name. Sever as much financial connection wioth him as you can and don't take out debt on his behalf you could end up liable for. Once you have the finances watertight you have breathing space to see if he plans to stop and is taking the action that shows he means it. Part of that will be him investigating how his debt is to be repaid. If he doesn't want to stop he won't and if you find that's the way the land lies you then have choices to make about what you want, need and deserve from a life partner and how you want life to be. All the time he's gambling it's highly unlikely the two will match up.

Read up on the addiction and get some RL support from friends and family or groups such as Gamanon. It's very easy to get consumed by it all but the fact is you can't help him until he wants to be helped. In the meantime put yourself and what you want first.

Posted on:
Mon, 19/06/2017 - 21:55

Time will tell



Thank you so much for your reply.

I am lucky I suppose in the fact that the only thing we are tied together with is our marriage.

We have no joint bank account, no joint car, no house. I rent and the tenancy and bills are all in my name.

I thought that we were working together towards the same dream of buying a house but obviously not. And i should thank my lucky stars that we hadn't as my house could be at risk.

I have tried to help and support him right now. He admits there is a problem and i have managed go get him to go to the doctors to gambling meetings and talk to step change about his debt.

I am working on auto pilot. I do try and take time out for myself and make sure I spend time with friends, and i enjoy going to work just to escape the madness.

He left himself with 91 pence after he got paid last month, not even paying his creditors, so this month I am paying for everything.
Except his debts I won't pay them!

I have thought about throwing him out many times. Every time I dicover new lies. I just can't stop myself thinking is this want I want from a marriage? Even if he gets help...will i ever trust him again? Will I always be checking his post and pockets. Will I always have to control the finances?

But if I did leave him where would he go? How could he afford it? He has no close family or friends! Would his depression get worse? Would he do something silly?

Thanks for listening ☺

Posted on:
Mon, 19/06/2017 - 22:56

Cynical wife



The problem with thinking that its for you to keep a roof over his head and prevent him from self harm, the problem with that is that boundaries evaporate. There's no sanction to be enforced, he can gamble if he wants to and he'll stay protected. 

You didn't Cause it, you can't Control it and you can't Cure it. As you've found. 

Focus on you, get the support that you need to cope call the helpline, go to GamAnon. Let him sort him.



Posted on:
Tue, 20/06/2017 - 07:09



Hi again

Concur with above. CG's lose the connection between action and consequence and we f&f very often end up shielding them from that albeit with the very best intentions.

re trust - it's absolutely fine not to trust him. A CG can arrest the addiciton but it's never cured and a recovering gambler is still only ever one bet away from repeating the cycle of disaster. If he has an ounce of self awareness he will understand why you don't trust him. I still handle everything, still see receipts to make sure there's no cash taken out under cover of legitimate shopping, still have everything in my sole name and still open post. I have no plans to change that and Mr L complies as I need it for my reassurance and it's another layer of protection for him too. This though is part of deciding what you want and how you want to live going forward.

Posted on:
Thu, 22/06/2017 - 19:13

CG Wife



I am also new on here and reading your story inspired me to post as your situation is so similar to mine. 

I have been married for almost 5 years and 6 weeks ago found out that my husband has been compulsively gambling for the last 18 months. He is £20,000 in debt from loans that he took  to gamble with. He has also recently been diagnosed with depression and will be going to CB therapy soon as he's just been referred.  The lies he has told and the bravado that he has put on is ridiculous and endless. 

I feel like he is like Jekyl and Hyde! But he is definitely not the man I fell in love with. And what's sadder is that he isn't getting off his *** to do anything about it. So I'm thinking why should I? 

We are are tied together by a house and 20 month daughter as well as our marriage. However, I have made the decision to sell the house which is currently going though, so that we aren't financially linked anymore and my daughter and I are moving back in with my family. He has been living at his mums since his confession which only came because he'd been denied other loans and had no money to get to work. 

With the sale of the house he can pay off his debts and I can start a fresh. 

I desperately want him to take hold of his life and his addiction and be that man that I married again so that our family can be together but from going to counselling myself and reading stories in here, I have come to understand that I cannot control this. I can only make decisions for me and my daughter and hope that he will make the right choices for him, and if he does, then we may have a future. 

I feel lost at times, strong at others, and numb or ****** off at others. 

I don't share my feelings with my husband because he just gets defensive or he shuts down. Thankfully I have a great network of friends and family who are all very supportive so I would recommend talking to people that you trust and maybe counselling for yourself as it has really helped me to understand more about addiction as well as my own thoughts and feelings. 

I hope things start getting better for you soon. I hope that hearing how someone else is in a similar boat to you helps and that I am just as confused and lost as you probably are. Take care of you.