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I hate him

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#1 Posted on:
Tue, 10/10/2017 - 15:31

Bobbi1981

Joined:
2017-10-10

I have been with my husband for 13 years, and how I wish I'd gone with my gut instinct at the beginning and steered clear. Fast forward to now and I am stuck with a man I don't even like let alone love. A man who refuses to acknowledge he has a problem, I have no real idea how much debt he is but from bills I've found it has to be around £30,000 of un secured credit cards. And if we didn't have a child I would have left years ago. I resent him spending 80% of his income on debt repayments whilst I pay the bills. I resent going without holidays andnearly everything we buy is either in the sale or reduced. I work full time, he works around 200hrs per month just to keep his head above water. And every single time when he asks for me money I GIVE IT TO HIM!!! I am so very stupid. Yes we'll argue and I tell him to go to CAB to sort his debt out and he says maybe but never has done. And still I keep enabling him. Im sure he's gambling on his phone, but he is so careful never to leave it around. We've recently moved to have a fresh start and it's the same stuff ,different place. I am so unhappy and such an idiot for beliving things would get better.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Posted on:
Tue, 10/10/2017 - 16:47

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

Hi Bobbi don't feel stupid. It's very difficult to say no, but you must. Nothing will change unless you do. Stop giving him the money. Go on holiday with your son. Keep all finance separate. I go to gamanon  which gives support and advice. If you really hate him then you have to act. Stop wasting your money on him. If you hate the person he has become, you need to tell him. Give him a wake up call. Call gamcare and talk to them, maybe get some counselling for you to move forward.

Posted on:
Tue, 10/10/2017 - 16:54

ODAAT

Joined:
2014-11-10

HI Bobbi, welcome to the forum :-)

Sorry to hear you’re in such a terrible place but I have to ask why are you still with him?  What is it that he provides for you and your daughter that you can’t walk away & start again?  

You’re not an idiot for believing things will get better, I’m 45 years old (with a gambling problem myself) & until very recently kept believing my mum when she said it would be different this time...I 1st knew about her gambling when she used our inheritance, I was still a young child.  Now that I have dragged my own head out of the sand, I understand that clearing debts does not eradicate a gambling problem (very far from it as a clean slate means more credit) & it doesn’t matter what you can & cant prove with us, we’re not to be trusted so don’t get too bogged down in how he is gambling.

What you need to do & fast is figure out how to lock down your finances then get some support.  GamAnon meetings are highly recommended but GamCare have support lines & can offer you counselling to help you figure out how you can move forwards.  Unfortunately you can’t control what he does & whilst you are stumping up the bill money, he can continue creating financial havoc because he knows you will bail him out.  You can control you though & you need to find your own happiness because you deserve it & your child doesn’t want a sad mummy.  

Time to start putting you 1st - ODAAT 

Posted on:
Tue, 10/10/2017 - 17:04

Joe-90

Joined:
2016-10-05

Its not really him you hate, its his addiction. He needs help, but its up to him to do it, you need to give him an ultimatium. If he sorts himself you would support him (if that is what you want), if not you have to leave him or nothing will change.

If he really wants to help himself he will get to his nearest GA meeting, he will put barriers in place such as self excluding from all the gambling sites and shops he goes to. He would give full finacial control, i.e have his wages go into your account. This might seem extreme but he is in the grip of this addiction adn money is what it needs to feed. Myself and my partner have a joint account, my wages go in here and if i pay for anything i use my debit card so she can see every single trasnaction on the online banking. If i need to use cash I can get reciepts for what I bought and show her. SHe also has access to my Clear Score account. This is a free credit history accoung adn it shows up any debts or credit cards in my name. Also I know if I went back gambling our relationship is finished. All this can focus the mind when the gambling urges come calling. 

I was a horrible [email protected]*%k when i was gambling, my relationships, work and family life all suffered as a result, but as a compulsive gambler I did not care once i fed my habit. Now after just 6 months gamble free I feel like a new man, its not easy and i still get ocassional urges but my life is so much better now. I hope your husband can do the same but if he is not willing to do that then I hope you have the courage to move on with your life.

 

Posted on:
Tue, 10/10/2017 - 18:24

Lethe

Joined:
2016-12-10

You're stuck with him all the time you keep letting him use you as his safety net. It's often said on this forum that nothing changes if nothing changes and it applies equally to the gamblers and f&f. If you want things to change, draw up your lines in the sand and stand your ground. No more bailouts and no more handouts would be a good place to start. He needs to start reforging the lost connection between action and consequence.

Posted on:
Wed, 11/10/2017 - 10:56

Bobbi1981

Joined:
2017-10-10

Thank you all for taking the time to reply, it's nice to know people are listening.
I just feel like I'm on a merry-go round, the same arguments, the same sulks, the same promises that never materialise, but then I know I don't help because it's easier to give in and give him money rather than get shouted at or have the silent treatment.
He doesn't really have the money to gamble, his credit rating is shocking, his main problem is the debt and making credit card payments. He stupidly took cash out so he minimum payments on some them are £300+.
How can I persuade him to go to CAB or other debt charity? His dad said to him years ago (he was in debt before we met and they bailed him out) because he took he cards out and he used them to pay minimum payments on other cards that he was committing fraud as he had no intention of paying them back and he would be in a lot of trouble.
I think this is complete B.S. as but I'm sure this is one of the reasons why he won't get help.
There are times when he can be nice but they are getting fewer as he's always stressed about paying his bills. He doesnt seem to see that this is unsustainable! Can I make him see sense or am I wasting my time?

Posted on:
Wed, 11/10/2017 - 11:54

Cynical wife

Joined:
2015-06-23

Morning,

You can change you but you can’t change him.  No doubt this concept is not new to you, but there is no magic formula to get any addict to stop using. Sorry to be harsh but if that magic formula existed, would you then be out of a job. If you focus solely on how, no matter what you try, you can’t get him to the CAB or wherever, then you don’t have to think about why you seek and stay in a relationship with an active addict who is not really there for you.

The question is do you actually want to change you or do you, consciously or subconsciously thrive on the chaos? You’re doing the addict thing of persuading yourself that your choices are made by him and not by you. If you give him money or in whatever way allow your boundaries to be trampled over, if you allow him to do whatever he wants without effective responses that set out your boundaries, these are indeed your choices, for which you are responsible. No one else can tell you whether you’re doing the right or the wrong thing but at least take ownership of what you do or don’t do.

The help is out there at AlAnon if he also drinks and / or at GamAnon, also from this forum or via other therapy. It’s much harder if you’re isolated but once you take the first steps, it gets easier.

Look after you because you matter.

CW 

Posted on:
Wed, 11/10/2017 - 14:07

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

Hi Bobbi I don't think that's fraud?! Anyway credit cards debt is ridiculously expensive, high interest rates, unless 0%. A lot of people live like that. But for a gambler it's just juggling to get money. As we have all said you can't make him stop. You have to be the one to change. Silent treatment sounds fine. It's you who is caving in and handing over the money. The more you pay the more they play. You have said you're miserable, you said you hate him. It has to come from you. Get some help call gamcare and get some counselling, you are never going to change this unless you do something. Stop waiting for him, because it's a long wait and you will have nothing.

Posted on:
Fri, 27/10/2017 - 12:38

Bobbi1981

Joined:
2017-10-10

Well things have gone from bad to worse.
I told him over the last few days he needs to sort himself out and get some financial advice.
He asked me for more money just till the middle of next month and I said no, he said well I'm [email protected]#@ed and I'll kill myself then.
I said you can't blackmail me into giving you money, you need to grow up and take some responsibility.
He says it's my fault he's in the mess he's in as he had to work away, not once has he said he's messed up and it's his fault.
Then he grabbed a mug and smashed it on his head and made a very superficial cut in his forehead.
And the worst part is that I felt nothing. Not anger or sadness or upset or pity.
He wants me to get upset and give him money but I'm not doing it anymore. I don't think he will kill himself but I'm not 100% sure as people do things all the time when they arent thinking.

I've said I will go with him to sort things out but he seems to tho I suicide is an easier option.

I don't know what to do. If we talk it ends in a row, and now he's just himself I don't know what he'd do next. I've said he needs to sort himself out but I can't make him do anything.

He won't access here, his doctor, gamblers anonymous, or CAB. Can someone offer me some advice, I just don't know what to do for the best. :-(

Posted on:
Fri, 27/10/2017 - 13:43

AntAnt1

Joined:
2017-09-20

I would ring the Gamcare helpline and talk with someone. No matter whether you want him to stay or not, you need to sort your own life out. Get control of the finances for one thing. This is affecting you big time and maybe a talk with a counseller will help you, it sure helped me. Be strong and looka fter your own life. He needs to accept what he is doing, accept he has a problem and seek the help that he needs. If he does not then he will never change.

 

You take care of yourself and keep posting on here.

Posted on:
Fri, 27/10/2017 - 16:20

Forum admin

Joined:
2010-11-01

Hi Bobbi1981

As AntAnt1 says I would encourage you to call the helpline 0808 8020 133 we are open everyday 8am until midnight.

Our advisers can give advice and emotional support and also refer you for free one to one counselling if that is something that would interest you. Speaking to a counsellor can help you to explore the impact that gambling has on your life and to focus on your own needs.

Best wishes

Forum admin

Posted on:
Fri, 27/10/2017 - 22:50

Nikki56

Joined:
2017-10-01

Bobbi you need to act to protect yourself and your child, not look after an irresponsible adult. If your husband threatens suicude or becames aggressive again (yes breaking mug on his own head is aggression) or if you are seriously worried he may attemp to harm himself, I'd call Police especially if your child is witnessing his actions and words. There is nothing else you can do to help him especially since he does not seem to want to get help. Is he ever aggressive towards you?

Posted on:
Sun, 29/10/2017 - 00:51

J heaven

Joined:
2017-10-28

All very sad I'm sorry to hear.step change .don't waste time take it serious I know not easy

Love will see you through this.
Heaven

Posted on:
Mon, 30/10/2017 - 09:17

Bobbi1981

Joined:
2017-10-10

He's never been physically abusive but can be verbally abusive and just plain nasty at times.
Instead of talking things through, he tell me to **** off, and says things like just because your so perfect. I am far from perfect but I have had to manage money well because he is so bad.
He constantly brings up the past. It's just so tiring.
Tomorrow will be bad as a lot of his bills go out on the first so he'll be nice to me today so ill give him money as I get paid tomorrow and say things like it will be fine next month or I'll give you it back when I get paid.

Thank you for reading, I will try and call the helpline for some support as well.

Posted on:
Mon, 30/10/2017 - 10:17

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

Hi Bobbi don't give him money. Pay bills etc direct. Stop the cycle. You have to change if you want him to. Call gamcare. Good luck!

Posted on:
Mon, 30/10/2017 - 11:44

AntAnt1

Joined:
2017-09-20

Very true. Don't give him money. until he accepts that he has a problem and faces up to it tehn he cannot change.