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I give up...

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#1 Posted on:
Tue, 31/10/2017 - 21:47

Nomore

Joined:
2017-10-31

Hi All

First post but I have been reading a lot of all your posts on the forum. Bit of a long and unfortunately too familiar tale...

I can't cope with cg boyfriend anymore.

I believed he wasn't gambling until he quite happily let it slip last week that he'd won on a football bet. I challenged him about why he had placed a bet and his response was it's football not horses so there's no problem!

I pushed further and it turns out this wasn't a one off. He'd been betting online for some time after self excluding from the bookies.

I am so angry and upset because of the deceit. I feel like I've had the **** taken out of me big time and the whole relationship is built on his lies. I pay for the majority of stuff around the house and going out together, we both work full time, he's on a low wage. So for who knows how long whatever spare money he did have has been spent on gambling.

We live together and I have said he has to leave the house (it's in my name only) but he isn't making any effort to go. Atmosphere is awful, I feel like a prisoner in my own home. I don't want to be near him. I could leave but why should I be forced out of my own home?

I think he thinks if he hangs around I'll cave in and change my mind. Not this time. Last time I said I'd support him providing he got help.

He's had 2 previous relapses in the space of a year that I know about as he told me. First time he got a new bank card which he handed over to me. After a few months I let him have it back as he said there was no problem.

2nd relapse he went to GA. I went with him and waited in another room until the meeting finished. That was the only meeting he went to! I didn't push the issue as he has to want to go himself. Another new bank card handed over, and eventually I gave it back as he said he was fine.

This time I've had enough. I can't help him. I feel like he might as well have cheated on me due to the deceit.

He is skint as I have never given him money even when he's asked. He has nowhere to go - no family and his so called friends don't seem keen to put him up.

It's very distressing to see him bawling his eyes out and I have real concerns about his mental health as he is taking anti depressants but I've seen this all before...I sound so harsh but I need to think about what I want and need.

As usual he's saying all the right things he said he went to GA last night and wants to put some app on his phone to block online gambling sites. Thing is I've heard it before but nothing changes long term.

I do not want to be part of this addiction. I've tried to help. I can't and don't want to live my life constantly worrying about whether he's gambling, being a nanny with his bank cards, worrying that he might steal from me if he is desperate etc etc. But most important for me the trust has totally gone this time and I would never trust him again.

So he's still in the house and short of putting his possessions outside, changing the locks and asking the police to remove him I don't know what to do. This is my last option if he doesn't leave. He's had a few days now to find somewhere else to live.

Fortunately there are no children involved, my money is safe although I might get credit scores for peace of mind and I can support myself financially.

Any suggestions on how I keep my own health and sanity intact throughout this would be much appreciated as it's really grinding me down.

Thanks in advance...

Posted on:
Tue, 31/10/2017 - 23:23

ODAAT

Joined:
2014-11-10

Hi Nomore, welcome to the forum :-)

Sorry to hear he has damaged you like this but very encouraging to hear you know that you need to look after you.  You don’t sound harsh to me @ all, you are being realistic having been pushed to your limit.  You are right, you can’t help him & he’s wasted opportunities to have earned back youtrust by paying you lip service, no more.  Yes, maybe he is hurting but he’s manipulated you previously so I can completely see why this makes you feel cold, it’s a horrible situation for you to be in :-(  I had a crazy ex who told me he would be 6 feet under next time I saw him if I broke it off & all I could manage was sarcasm about his contradictory words...It didn’t make me feel very good but I was not going to be bullied into staying when it wasn’t right for me.

GamCare provide a counselling service for you loved ones as well as us gamblers that you may find useful moving forwards & other than that, maybe a GamAnon group, because although you will have moved on from your gambler, you will still bear the scars.  And of course, you can always stick around here if you find any comfort in it.

I hope he gets the message soon & it doesn’t become any more vile than it already is for you.  Maybe call the helpline, as well as support, they may have some practical advice for this.

Gonna sound a bit mad but kudos to you for having the strength to know this isn’t right for you & try not to take it personally, he won’t have set out to hurt you.  Take care - ODAAT 

Posted on:
Wed, 01/11/2017 - 04:24

Mel a nie

Joined:
2017-06-14

 

Hi nomore, 

Wow, you could have been me writing that, the story is pretty much identical but I’m a few weeks further on than you. 

When I got to your point it was horrendous so I know exactly how you’re feeling. My ex did the same, stayed in the house in the spare room for about 2 weeks, the atmosphere was awful, we hardly spoke. Eventually after a couple of weeks he got the message I was being serious and left to stay elsewhere for a bit....he hasn’t come back since other than to collect a few bits. It’s by far no means the end because he still has a lot of stuff at my house. 

All I can say is how you’re feeling will get better & easier, I still think about it everyday but it doesn’t hurt as much now & im getting on with my life. 

I think he still thinks we’ll get back together but I’ve told him in no umcertain terms that would never happen unless he got help & allowed me access to everything which he won’t do, he refuses to accept he has a problem  

Stay strong, you will get through this, you’ve already realised you need to think of yourself now & I know how hard that is to admit to yourself. If you feel like you need support then there’s plenty available through here  

Mel x

 

Posted on:
Wed, 01/11/2017 - 06:59

Nikki56

Joined:
2017-10-01

Stay strong. My bf eventually found somewhere to stay when i kicked him out (after crying and saying he has nowhere to go) but i was ready to give him local council's homelessness team number. You are not responsible for his mental health neither and if you feel he's in risk of harming himself you can call emergency services. Make sure you look after yourself.

Posted on:
Wed, 01/11/2017 - 07:38

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

Hi no more, I'm also sorry you're here. As Odaat said call gamcare and go to gamanon if there is one near you. There is live chat on Sunday evenings for gamanon online. Unfortunately GA really is a lifelong thing, a compulsive gambler does not get better, they just have to learn they can't bet, at all. In my experience they go, sometimes even for a year, and think they don't have a problem and go back to it. It then just becomes secretive and the debt spirals. Improvements will only come after realisation that they are out of control, desperate. Your bf thinks it's ok because you are paying for everyday things so he doesn't have to. If you've finally come to the end of the road stick to that. Don't be persuaded because that just reinforces that his behaviour is ok. As you say it's your house. Mel a nie's idea of moving him into spare room if you have one? I don't know how you 'make' someone leave. The best way to initiate change is to change your reaction. Stop doing the same things. Make it clear how you feel, try not to argue, stay calm. Get some advice and support. Good luck!

Posted on:
Wed, 01/11/2017 - 13:55

Nomore

Joined:
2017-10-31

Thank you all for your advice and support.

The longer this goes on the more likely I am to weaken and he knows that.

Getting the number for the council's emergency housing is a good idea thanks. We live in big city so I'd be surprised if they have anything but I will suggest this tonight when I'm calm.

In the meantime I will make sure I keep my boundaries in place (I didn't know what they were a few years ago. I'm glad I do now) and put myself first.

His pay day and contribution to the bills etc. is tomorrow. If I get anything I'll put it to one side so he can use it towards a deposit on a flat. If not I've got a freeloader in the house who's going to be difficult to remove.

Thank you all again x

Posted on:
Sun, 05/11/2017 - 10:00

Cynical wife

Joined:
2015-06-23

How are you doing?

CW

Posted on:
Sun, 05/11/2017 - 16:14

Nomore

Joined:
2017-10-31

Keeping strong thank you for asking.

I don't think he's found anywhere to live but he told me he'd been to look at some places so that's a start.

I've washed my hands of it and have had a nice peaceful weekend as he took himself off to stay at a friends. I am dreading him coming back as I don't want to see him nevermind be under the same roof!

If he doesn't leave soon I will have to box his things up and either put them outside or be too nice and pay to put them in storage then change the locks. I don't want to damage or ruin any of his things. He doesn't have much. I don't want the police involved with removing him unless absolutely necessary.

Sounds extreme however I want him out of the house so I can have some peace to get over this.

He is trying to chip away at my resolve. So it's a matter of sticking to my guns and putting myself first.

He'll be gone soon - either under his own steam or from me changing the locks. I'm trying to be reasonable about it.

Posted on:
Tue, 07/11/2017 - 18:42

Nomore

Joined:
2017-10-31

So he's gone. He got a van to collect his stuff and is temporarily living with friends until he finds somewhere permanent.

And me? I feel drained - heartbroken that it's come to this but I also know that I've made the right decision for me.

I believe that if he stayed and I gave him yet another chance he wouldn't have done anything different and I would be stuck in a relationship worrying about his addiction and not trusting him at all.

This will take some time for me to get over. It's been difficult following an ultimatum through and keeping firm boundaries in place. He doesn't understand why we are no longer together when we love eachother and took offence when I said that I don't trust him.

He's already called me to ask me not to give up on him. I told him to put himself and his recovery first above everything else.

Which is exactly what I'll be doing now.

Posted on:
Tue, 07/11/2017 - 23:57

Amom

Joined:
2014-10-09

(((NoMore))). 

Cathyx

Posted on:
Wed, 08/11/2017 - 06:40

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

Hi nomore this is a sad and devastating time for you. I hope you're ok. I think you did the right thing for you. Sometimes we just can't get through to them. Look after yourself, get your peace of mind back. Take care of you.

Posted on:
Mon, 04/12/2017 - 21:52

Nomore

Joined:
2017-10-31

Quick update. Really to vent/rant.

Things have been appalling and I've been subjected to manipulation that I didn't think was possible.

My ex continued to pester me via all methods of communication until I blocked him, then a couple of weeks ago he turned up on my doorstep unannounced begging for another chance. My answer was no.

He called me on my work phone from an unknown number today. I was on a call so he left a message to let me know he is currently in a psychiatric unit and has been there since Saturday. I have no idea how he ended up there (although I can imagine) and I didn't respond.

I feel he is trying to guilt trip me as he knows that a member of my family committed suicide a few years ago and this still causes me a great deal of pain.

I cannot control or cure his gambling addiction or his mental health.

Of course I don't want him to come to any harm. Hopefully he's in the right place to receive professional help.

To be honest I am fed up of taking extreme measures to reinforce my boundaries. It shouldn't be like this. Break ups should not cause a break down in a healthy individual. Clearly he is far from healthy at the moment.

It sounds selfish however I need to heal from being lied to, deceived and manipulated and I feel like he is trying to grind me down.

I refuse to be manipulated into taking him back because of his mental health condition and him trying to make me scared/afraid that if I don't communicate with him he will harm himself.

At the end of the day whatever he does is his choice not mine.

Posted on:
Mon, 04/12/2017 - 22:13

JazzMax

Joined:
2017-11-27

Oh my goodness, Nomore. Keep strong! Ignore every attempt to contact you. You know that you are doing the right thing.

Posted on:
Tue, 05/12/2017 - 07:24

ODAAT

Joined:
2014-11-10

Sorry to hear how he’s behaving & I know you don’t want police involved but maybe consider reporting the harassment.  He can be given a 1st instance warning which reinforces your need to be left alone without him being locked up.  

 

Maybe he’s checked himself in, maybe not but however he has ended up there, this is his doing, not yours.  I’m sorry for the loss of your loved one.  Him selfishly tugging @ your heartstrings putting his own wants above your needs should reinforce to you that you absolutely have done the right thing for you & your sanity by walking away.  

 

Wishing you every strength to move past this terrible chapter - ODAAT

Posted on:
Tue, 05/12/2017 - 08:50

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

Hi no more, I'm sure you're reeling from all of this. He's a desperate man and not in his right mind. It's devastating for all connected. Don't forget you can ring gamcare and get some support and advice. If he is in a psychiatric ward the contact should lessen. The reality is he has done this to himself. Lashing out and manipulation are common behaviours to make you give in. Stay strong, it's terrible to see someone so tormented that you care for. I don't know what real advice to give, only reassure you that this isn't your fault. You're not wrong, your priority is you. Stay safe!