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I cannot believe i have done this to myself

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#1 Posted on:
Sun, 18/06/2017 - 12:50

Adamjamal2014-2017

Joined:
2017-06-11

Hi my name is adam. Where shall i start ! I never thought this would happen to me in a million year. I am ahard working guy and i was carefull with my money.i always had enough and saved a bit at the end of each month.

Saying that i am not all inocent i was always curious about gambling but afraid of trying it cuz my relatives lost fortunes in gambling and ruined their lives. I didnot see this happening to me. I always heard they won 10 of thousands and lost it all as they were greedy and wanted more. In my mind i had this thought how stupid they are, if it was me i would walk away with the thousands if i win. How wrong i was !

3.5 years ago my first bet was after xmas party, £20 made me £70. Then i said to my self if i make £50 every day i would be 1.5k better off everymonth. Stupid ha .

Now i am 15k in debt. £500 left in my account and i am day 8 gambling free. This is crazy, i think about trying to win some money back every day.

I am 31 years old in full time job. I cannot believe what i have done to my self. No one know about this problem. And i am finding extremly hard to move on.

Posted on:
Mon, 19/06/2017 - 08:52

Adamjamal2014-2017

Joined:
2017-06-11

Day 9 gambling free.
Firstweek was extremly hard. I will see how this week goes. Definitly no gambling but hopefully less urges too.

Posted on:
Mon, 19/06/2017 - 09:12

Loxxie

Joined:
2016-01-15

Hi. ..and welcome Adam. .
None of us set out to become compulsive gamblers love...
It's a progressive problem. ....
There is no magic potion to fix the devastation that it can and will cause if YOU continue.....
To get to a better place...mentally and fiancially will take time...and serious effort from YOU...you'll need support from others...you'll get plenty on here...but you really need some from real Iife as well....I was also ashamed...embarresd. ..scared...and panic stricken about fessing up....but I don't know any body on here who's flown solo .....
Sooooo ....I say...to start with call the helpline....read as much as you can on here to get tips and ways to fight back. ...not easy I know....but it can be done. ..
You've done some days already...so just keep saying I will not gamble today. ...and worry about tommorrow....and the next day as it comes...make that call love...x

Posted on:
Tue, 20/06/2017 - 20:12

Adamjamal2014-2017

Joined:
2017-06-11

Thanks loxxie for the support. Today is day 10. Its been a tough day.high urges,stressful day at work but no gambling..

Posted on:
Tue, 20/06/2017 - 21:53

Lightsout

Joined:
2017-06-19

Hi Adam,

I have moments of not believing it also, then moments of it hitting me like a freight train. I am only 1 day gamble free. And yeah, I have just posted about the urges leeching onto thoughts of monies lost. We know that's a fool's logic though, we would not be in this position if it were truly possible to win it back. The mind is so powerful, we just have to start making it work *for* us, not against us. You are doing so well at 10 days and that is encouraging for me to hear that the urges reduce after the first week. I did not think much about gambling during the day, however early mornings and evenings were habitual times for me, so I am feeling them now. I am crossing everything for you!

Posted on:
Wed, 21/06/2017 - 19:55

Adamjamal2014-2017

Joined:
2017-06-11

Hi lightsout,

Hopefully u still holding on. Day 11 for me. My debt is on my mind all the time and i am thinking about ways to pay it off and guess what, my brain tells me. I can pay it out quickly if i win some money back. But hell no , i tried it .. i didnot work.
I am Looking forward for my payday not a penny is going on gambling this time...

Posted on:
Thu, 22/06/2017 - 20:20

Adamjamal2014-2017

Joined:
2017-06-11

Day 12.
Thinking about gambling today..high urges come with thinking about money .. read few posts today helped me to hold on..

Posted on:
Thu, 22/06/2017 - 20:42

conradnose

Joined:
2017-06-21

Well done adam 12 days gamble free is good going, keep it up!

Conradnose

Posted on:
Fri, 23/06/2017 - 19:27

Adamjamal2014-2017

Joined:
2017-06-11

Day 13 gambling free. I got paid today so you can imaging the urges rocketing. I am praying to stay strong.. this is really hard i wish i never known gambling ...

Posted on:
Fri, 23/06/2017 - 21:16

conradnose

Joined:
2017-06-21

Have you told anybody about your gambling Adam like a family member or friend? Can they look after your money for you? Having urges and not having access to money is half the battle but having urges with access to money could be a problem. 

All the best Adam

Posted on:
Sat, 24/06/2017 - 07:56

Adamjamal2014-2017

Joined:
2017-06-11

I havenot told anyone. I am so ashamed of what i have done. The main reason i want to give up and stop this gambling episode is that i donot want to get caught one day and exposed. If i let it out then i will be back in it as i wont give a damn any more cuz i would be saying eveyone about this. I know this might be weird but my pride and decent reputation within my family is main my drive to stop this evil. 2 weeks gambling free today.

Posted on:
Sat, 24/06/2017 - 16:18

Mac1989

Joined:
2017-06-06

Hi Adam,

Keep strong, you seem to have a smart head on your shoulders so i have no doubt you will be able to keep it up. Keep yourself busy :). 

Martin 

Posted on:
Sat, 24/06/2017 - 16:54

Adamjamal2014-2017

Joined:
2017-06-11

Thanks Martin.

Posted on:
Sat, 24/06/2017 - 18:37

Sars27

Joined:
2017-06-02

Everyone is an individual Adam.. whatever works for you go for it ! As long as you're happy and taking it one day at a time . All the best Sars :) 

Posted on:
Sun, 25/06/2017 - 14:59

Adamjamal2014-2017

Joined:
2017-06-11

Thanks Sars,
Day 15 gambing free. I feel fresh today with less urges. If i get more days like this I will feel more happy.

Posted on:
Sun, 25/06/2017 - 22:12

Lightsout

Joined:
2017-06-19

Dear Adam,

yes, I am hanging in there and I have a good grip! 6 days and counting. I see you are doing excellently yourself, well done. Glad you are starting to feel happier and tasting the freedom!

Posted on:
Mon, 26/06/2017 - 19:55

Adamjamal2014-2017

Joined:
2017-06-11

Day 16 gambling free...

Posted on:
Tue, 27/06/2017 - 20:45

Adamjamal2014-2017

Joined:
2017-06-11

Day 17 gambling free...

Posted on:
Wed, 28/06/2017 - 12:17

Lightsout

Joined:
2017-06-19

Dear Adam,

you are doing brilliantly! How are you feeling?

Posted on:
Wed, 28/06/2017 - 19:24

Adamjamal2014-2017

Joined:
2017-06-11

Thanks lightsout. Payday tomorrow. I am really worried. I have plans how to spend my money. I spoke to my wife on how we gonna spend most of the money this months.. that leaves me with no room to go astray.. Day 18 gambling free :)

Posted on:
Wed, 28/06/2017 - 22:09

Lightsout

Joined:
2017-06-19

That's great you've made plans for the money and your wife can support you with this. Maybe you can actually enjoy the fruits of your labour now that you are free from gambling, a wee treat tomorrow!

Posted on:
Thu, 29/06/2017 - 17:44

Adamjamal2014-2017

Joined:
2017-06-11

I am actually going out tonight with my friends. The only issues is where we are going is 2 mins away from a local casino. I must stay strong.. Day 19 gambling free.

Posted on:
Fri, 30/06/2017 - 19:26

Adamjamal2014-2017

Joined:
2017-06-11

Day 20 gambling free. I have planned for a busy weekend. I donot have strong urges to gambling but the thoughts are not out of my mind yet and i guess every time i look at my 15k debt, i remember gambling...

Posted on:
Fri, 30/06/2017 - 20:47

Sharon41

Joined:
2017-03-16

Well done on day 20, I'm with you here on the debt situation. It'S often the first thing I think of when I wake up and plays on my mind. But as long as you stay GF it won't get bigger and it will decrease then one day be gone. Take care S:)

Posted on:
Sat, 01/07/2017 - 17:36

Adamjamal2014-2017

Joined:
2017-06-11

Thanks sharon, Day 21 gambling free. This my first attempt of stopping gambling. I will be lying if say i havenot considered gambling several times in the last 3 weeks. In the last 3 weeks i have realised how much i have under estimated my gambling problem.
In the last 3 weeks, i have walked by bookies eveyday look at them and walked away. I had few drinks next to the casino the other day i looked at the casino saw people walking in , i felt sorry for them and then walkaway.. but what annoys me the most the thoughts of gambling,winning, debt is in my head eveyday.. i picture my self playing, it's like day dreaming that i am in the casino... its an annoying feeling...
3 weeks gambling free

Posted on:
Sat, 01/07/2017 - 18:05

Rhoda

Joined:
2016-12-06

You would probably find it easier if you self excluded from the casinos...all it takes is a 10 minute visit and a conversation with the manager...you can be quickly banned from most casinos nationwide. You can also ban yourself from local bookies. It stops the constant internal struggle...you may get the urges, but you can't act on them.

Posted on:
Sat, 01/07/2017 - 20:55

Sars27

Joined:
2017-06-02

First of all well done for staying way from all the temptations ! Secondly, it's completely normal to feel the urges as I think thats part of our recovery process and it's a test to keep us stronger !

Keep up the good work buddy! Well done :) 

Posted on:
Sun, 02/07/2017 - 10:19

Adamjamal2014-2017

Joined:
2017-06-11

Thanks Rhoda for the advice and thanks Sars for the encouragment..

Posted on:
Sun, 02/07/2017 - 17:36

NevetsEgdelloc

Joined:
2017-06-12

Hi everyone. I've read these posts and can relate. I've got myself into debt through this horrible illness, luckily I got found out by my partner before it got too deep, she's still here but the relationship is badly damaged but she's here that's all I care about. I'm currently 21 days gf and looking at positives. I've changed my lifestyle to cure the boredom of wanting to gamble, more housework,(even if it's just 1/2 cups to wash up) Hoover, put clothes away, bit ironing. Anything really. Dog walking for hour/s at a time, more exercise and go out running. Anything to keep the mind off gambling and looking to win back the love and affection of my fiancée. Only she knew before today, I got the courage to tell my best friend today and it was emotional but also felt good to let someone else in and listen to his advice too. He told me if any urges or feelings towards gambling just to ring him anytime. Hope this helps 

Posted on:
Tue, 04/07/2017 - 17:37

Adamjamal2014-2017

Joined:
2017-06-11

DAY 23 GAMBLING FREE. This month i have paid all my bills. Paid off some of my 15k debt. I got to fix an expensive fault on my car on this friday. This will leave me with £400 pocket money untill the end of the month..
Not alot but i guess better than having nothing...

Posted on:
Tue, 04/07/2017 - 19:59

Sharon41

Joined:
2017-03-16

It actually feels good to pay bills doesn't it!! Well done on day 23 good stuff, take care S :)

Posted on:
Wed, 05/07/2017 - 21:17

Adamjamal2014-2017

Joined:
2017-06-11

Day 24 gambling free...

Posted on:
Thu, 06/07/2017 - 20:09

Adamjamal2014-2017

Joined:
2017-06-11

I took my car to the garage today, a fault was found in my car.it cost £600 to repair.I donot need this at this time of my recovery.... i feeling down today.

Posted on:
Thu, 06/07/2017 - 20:29

Westsider

Joined:
2012-05-23

Just had a read through your diary. You're doing really well! I find the few days the hardest, then you have to try not to get complacent. The £600 for your car was needed, you probably use it every day. Everyone that drive has to pay out expenses now and again. At least your money has gone towards something worthwhile. If you gambled it away you would feel much worse. Keep on Keeping on - one day at a time. All the best

Posted on:
Sat, 08/07/2017 - 19:05

Adamjamal2014-2017

Joined:
2017-06-11

I gambled yesterday and today. No financial damage but......

Posted on:
Sun, 16/07/2017 - 22:49

Adamjamal2014-2017

Joined:
2017-06-11

The last 2 weekends I gambled I was gambling free for 25 days before last weekend. It felt so hard resisting it everyday so i gambled small amount. So i gambled last weekend , then no gambling for 5 days and then gambled this weekend. No financially pain as i didnot go crazy or didnot chase loss. But this makes me worried about myself, after 25 days gambling why didnot i carry on ? Is my addition severe or is it normal to relapse in the first attemp to stop gambling....

Posted on:
Wed, 26/07/2017 - 08:57

Adamjamal2014-2017

Joined:
2017-06-11

Right, so after i stopped for 25 days i started gambling again. I won £600 and lost it and then won it back and the lost..so since i went gambling again i didnot go crazy or chase losses. I go in with 200 if i win 100 or 200 i walk away, if i lose 100 or 200 i walk away. I thinking was if i stay calm and donot chase loss i will use whatever i win to reduce debt which is my biggest problem at the moment. But even that didnot work, so i feel disappointed today. The thing i have noticed is that in the last 3 weeks i was distracted alot of the time and tired. My biggest problem is roulette. Funny enough i donot believe in fobts or online i only bet on real wheel so they journey to the casino every other day is wasting my time.
Let me just say i am not going to say i will stop forever because i was fighting urges all the time. Let me just say i have really lost interset in the whole casino gambling idea...
On a positive note i havenot lost any money to gambling in the last 2 months.

Posted on:
Thu, 27/07/2017 - 18:05

Adamjamal2014-2017

Joined:
2017-06-11

Feeling sad. Scared of the future...I cried alot today...

Posted on:
Mon, 31/07/2017 - 12:27

Adamjamal2014-2017

Joined:
2017-06-11

I should be at work now, but no i was at the casino gambling and losing a futher £1000 going further into debt after 2250 lost yesterday that's new record for me.
I am so sad and so upset at my behaviour.
I will never win any of my money back.i am going futher into debt.
This has to stop now and for ever.
I tried everything, everymethod nothing is working to get my mo ey back.
I am now 18500 in debt rather than 15000.

Posted on:
Mon, 31/07/2017 - 12:51

ItMattersMoreWh...

Joined:
2017-06-02

Win or lose it doesn't matter because we are all losers in the end.

The odds are designed to let us experience the highs of winning but ultimately take every last penny we can get our hands on.

Accept your loses, only when you do so will you stop adding to them.

As the saying goes "we can't win because we can't stop".

Posted on:
Mon, 31/07/2017 - 13:16

Adamjamal2014-2017

Joined:
2017-06-11

Thanks
i have now accepted my losses which i should have done long time ago...
I admit i have aproblem.
Tomorrow will be day 1 gambling free.
I want to clear my head , focus on my work and my family.
I am such aloser

Posted on:
Mon, 31/07/2017 - 13:26

ItMattersMoreWh...

Joined:
2017-06-02

Anyone that gambles is a loser but we don't have to carry on being losers. It is always possible to turn things around but you need to make changes in your life for the better.

Good luck with day 1, then just build on it a day at a time.

Posted on:
Mon, 31/07/2017 - 16:52

g-doggy

Joined:
2010-01-25

I am not expert having done a similar thing three weeks ago! However i do know that the way to get into more debt is to try to win by gambling! I've been trying for years and it really doesn't work. I am now working at paying stuff back. Feels good when you get your debt down. A month ago I owed 7600, went mad and ended up 10,500 in debt! Now down to 9,600 again! These amounts are crazy, I was doing 20,50,100 a spin on slots three weeks ago and really it was my low point. What in learnt is I never want to go back there again. We can't win because we cannot stop. The money has gone, it's not coming back. Exclude, let people know you owe money and get some support, good luck mate. I am sure you would take 15k of debt now wouldn't you? Make sure you don't think that about 18.5k. All the best.

Posted on:
Mon, 31/07/2017 - 18:55

Rhoda

Joined:
2016-12-06

Hi again Adam. The money is gone, you will not win it back. If you really want to stop, why don't you do the self exclusion at the casino...it helps fight the urges. You will never win if you continue to gamble. You are a compulsive gambler; you cannot control it, you cannot limit it to £100-£200 a week. Have you joined GA? I find it helps.

Posted on:
Tue, 01/08/2017 - 22:53

Adamjamal2014-2017

Joined:
2017-06-11

Thanks for the comments and advice. Today has been really hard,thinking about my losses. I was distracted at work all the time. But day 1 is over now, thanks god. Never ever put a bet again.

Posted on:
Wed, 02/08/2017 - 21:22

Adamjamal2014-2017

Joined:
2017-06-11

Day 2 is nearly over. 28 days to go for my payday..this will definitly be lesson learnt.. i am glad i apid my rent and bills before i went on my lastest gambling binge.
I will never place a bet again in my life...

Posted on:
Fri, 04/08/2017 - 07:49

Adamjamal2014-2017

Joined:
2017-06-11

Overdraft=2500 max out
Credit card =12500 max out
Credit card 2 = 3500 max out
Great result . Thanks gambling
I just thanks God i have waken up now. Now it's time to deal with this debt and sort my self out. Lesson learnt the hardway.
I will never ever gamble again in my life.

Posted on:
Sat, 05/08/2017 - 21:56

Adamjamal2014-2017

Joined:
2017-06-11

Today I went to pay my council tax but i had no money in my debt card so i wanted to use my credit card but apparently i cannot pay my council tax with credit card. Oh my god i felt so embarresed. I went to take out cash from my credit card i was declined cuz i already used my cash allowance for this month. I had to call a friend and borrow £200.
I am 32 years i never asked anyone for money in my life this is the first time. This what gambling got me to do.
I learnt the lesson the hardway.I will never gamble again in my life.

Posted on:
Sat, 05/08/2017 - 21:59

Lasttime93

Joined:
2017-07-11

Good luck Adam!! stay strong!

Posted on:
Sat, 05/08/2017 - 22:37

Sharon41

Joined:
2017-03-16

I know it's very well me saying this but don't be too hard on yourself. Also I am paying off a mega backlog of c/tax but I spoke to the council and was honest with them and have worked out a payment plan and Blimey it took alot for me say 'I'm in this mess which is my own fault, I'm a recovering gambler' I don't mean to sound bossy but from big organisations view it'S better to get a small amount of payment than nothing. I hope day by day you can stay on the road off recovery take care S:)

Posted on:
Sun, 06/08/2017 - 08:19

JarradNZ

Joined:
2017-08-05

Hey Adam, 

I am in a very similar position to you. I wish you all the best for your recovery. 

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