GamCare Logo
Login / Register

How can I help her

8 posts / 0 new
Last post
Posted by
Messages
#1 Posted on:
Sun, 08/07/2018 - 22:45

Robb123

Joined:
2018-07-08

Hi, my wife of 13 yrs has been gambeling for 14 months now and its now becoming a lot worse.
I have known about her addiction since christmas when she lost all the money we had saved. She took a loan hoping i wouldn't find out but i did.

Since then its been constant lies, pay day loans have been taken out in my name which i cant pay back, i have closed and reopened bank accounts because she had used my details on the gambeling sites. She told me she had stoped this but this week took over 1300 from my account.
My mail has been hidden or opened by my wife. I am unsure of the debt she has but i presume its mounting up.

She has admitted she has an addiction but has not seeked help yet,.

I love her so much but iam not sure how much more i can take, i have been calm and understanding to a point but now i feel angry and hurt.
I worry for my kids as there have been times u have borrowed money to feed them.

I just feel helpless and i dont know what to do.

Posted on:
Sun, 08/07/2018 - 23:02

Sorted

Joined:
2018-04-25

 

Hi Robb, I am so sorry to hear about your wife addiction. You need to really seat down with her and have a proper chat about her addiction and put solutions in place to save her life and your marriage.  She needs to be able to be completely honest with you about this terrible disease and then seek help. I  have been gambling free for a few years now but it’s a daily battle. She needs your help but she needs to be able to open up with you completely no matter how hurtful it will be. My husband did help me stop gambling but in the end of the day I stopped because I wanted to stop, I had to stop. Have you had a proper chat with her about it? I wish you well and I do feel for you guys . I hope you guys get all sorted . Best wishes 

 

 

Posted on:
Mon, 09/07/2018 - 08:26

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

Hi robb, well done for seeing the problem and seeking some help. She's in the grip of addiction, lying, hiding debt and stealing from you. Call stepchange regarding finances they will help. Find a gamanon meeting and get help for you, don't wait for her she's only interested in chasing losses. You can block gambling sites by ringing your provider. Don't give her any money, don't pay her debts. Don't keep secrets, don't lie for her. Safeguard your money immediately she may have noted down numbers of accounts and cards. Encourage her to seek help, tell her this is unacceptable behaviour, she's addicted she won't win. She needs to find out why she's gambling, it's an emotional illness. You can't stop her or fix it but you can get help for yourself. Don't ignore it, it just gets worse.

Posted on:
Mon, 09/07/2018 - 09:23

greenflash

Joined:
2017-12-31

Hi Robb123, sorry to hear of your situation. Follow the advice of the above posts. I advise you as an ex gambler, she will continue on this destructive path, the lies, deceit, secrets manipulation and stealing your money. Get tough immediately, protect ALL of your finances, cash, cards (get new  cards) the lot. Sign up to the credit reference agencies to find out just how many loans and credit cards etc she has taken out in both of your names. 

Gamblers will lie to protect themselves and keep gambling, do not take her word on anything for now, but if she is ready to give up then she will tell you everything she has done and confess to having a problem. When I gave up I handed my partner all my cash, credit and debit cards to my partner, and we signed up to a credit reference agency to make sure I was not slyly trying to get further credit behind her back. I also provide receipts for everything, petrol and groceries etc. It may sound OTT but believe me it is not. By doing this I stopped gambling immediately and was then able to regroup and put a plan in place to beat this gambling addiction. Please follow this advice and get tough on her with no half measures. You need money to support your family so act immediately.

All the best

 

Posted on:
Mon, 09/07/2018 - 11:44

Forum admin

Joined:
2010-11-01

Dear Robb123,

I'm sorry to hear you are going through such a difficult time. Other forum users have already kindly offered some good suggestions. I would also suggest that you and your wife may access support from the GamCare Helpline 0808 8020 133 or the Netline here http://www.gamcare.org.uk/frontline-services/netline

We can also arrange for free one-to-one counselling.

Best Wishes

Forum Admin

Posted on:
Mon, 09/07/2018 - 20:22

Robb123

Joined:
2018-07-08

Thank you all for replying to my post, i really appreciate it.

I find it so difficult as she always says i am offering no support and i dont understand (which is right, i dont understand) how she is feeling.
We have discussed that it is unacceptable for her to use my account and she has said she will stop on many occasions. Even today i put some money over for petrol and by the time i had got to the petrol station it had gone. She denies its her but i know in a couple of days i will see transactions to gaming sites.

Ive encouraged her to speak to her family and seak support from Gamcare, she says she will but that day seems long off if i am honest.

I had money put away to pay of a loan she took out in my name, i left the money in my account 1 night and she gambled the lot. Now i have this debt that i cant pay which is penalizing me.

I know i need to get tough but it hurts seeing her like this. I even feel sorry for her sometimes...

Posted on:
Mon, 09/07/2018 - 22:22

greenflash

Joined:
2017-12-31

She is not going to stop using your account as it is easy money and you are letting her get away with it at the moment. See the advice already given, the gambling has turned her into a liar and a thief.  She even gambled your petrol money today and then denied it. She is taking all your money and you are left to sort out the debts.

If your wife really wants you to offer support, then remove her access to all finances. She should not have access to your accounts, cards or pin numbers. You know that you cannot trust her. You can feel sorry for her later on but for now take action and protect yourself and your family. Do not be manipulated or fall for sob stories.

Posted on:
Tue, 10/07/2018 - 10:35

Lethe

Joined:
2016-12-10

You can't trust a word she says so don't. She's not going to stop stealing from you so don't enable her to do it. She won't look for help until she's ready so any encouragement you offer along those lines is wasted effort until that happens.

Protect your interests and save your energy and empathy for you. She can get the understanding she needs from GA and counselling. There's a wealth of advice and support out there for her when she's ready for it but she's not going to be ready for it all the time you're underwriting her gambling and unwittingly putting off the day she has to take responsibility for her actions.

Time to look after yourself.