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#1 Posted on:
Mon, 12/03/2018 - 08:41

cj20097572

Joined:
2018-03-12

Hi, i’m new to this so any help would be great please! I have a partner of 2 years, he has 2 children and I have 1. We are a close family, and get on well with his ex partner. I knew very early on in our relationship that he had a gambling problem 4 years ago around the time he seperated from his ex and he’d entered a debt relief order to pay off the debt he had built up. Friday we discovered that he had been gambling again and he told us it had been going on for 12 months. Luckily there is minimal debt this time, although he owes child maintenance to his ex and house keeping to me. We have mutually decided that I take control of all his money and I have blocked online accounts for as long as I can. His parents are also supportive and as they helped him through last time they are supporting me. We have referred to GamCare for councelling but waiting to hear back and he is going to go to anonymous support group meeting on friday’s. He has got an old phone that has no internet access and I have removed the laptop from the house. On his request i’ve compiled a list of jobs for him to keep busy with whilst he’s at home and i’m at work. Anything else I should do? His mood is low as his ex is refusing to let him see the kids until he is more settled. I have tried to reason with her but no luck :( 

Posted on:
Mon, 12/03/2018 - 09:13

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

Hi cj. It seems that you are taking the burden. Compulsive gamblers need to learn that there are consequences to gambling. He should be self excluding, he should be finding things to do. He's letting you take control. Why are you negotiating for his access? What is he actively doing? If he's depressed he should go to his gp. If you do everything for him he won't learn how to change his behaviour. He needs to take responsibility. You can go to a gamanon meeting and  get advice and support from others who live with compulsive gamblers. You can't stop him. Did he confess or did you discover his gambling? Confession is a desire to stop. Safeguard yourself, secure your finances, don't pay his debts. If I give my husband cash he has to give receipts and change. Credit reports will show debts and credit cards. This is progressive and gets worse if the cg is not committed 100%. It can only be arrested never cured. It doesn't go away. 

Posted on:
Mon, 12/03/2018 - 16:17

cj20097572

Joined:
2018-03-12

Hiya, thanks for the reply. I had a suspicion something was wrong all week then on Friday his phone stopped connecting and he never came home from work. At 3:15am I filed him as a missing person after contacting local hospitals and speaking to his mum. His mum said she had sent him a text in the morning saying he had to tell ne or she would as she had also figured out what was up. He eventually made contact at 10:30am from a payphone having gambled all his wage away trying to make the money he owed us then realised he had no way out. He said he walked around all night in the rain trying to sum up the courage to come clean and came home in a real state. The police talked to him about it and offered advice and what to do to help. His ex is angry at him and won’t speak to him so it’s best that I negotiate with her as she trusts me (or so I thought) to be open and honest with her. She is claiming she has known for months but never bothered to tell me which makes me angry also. I want to support my partner. He had the option to go back to his mums but he said he wanted to make it work. He is going to the GP this week. 

Posted on:
Tue, 13/03/2018 - 09:03

Cynical wife

Joined:
2015-06-23

Hi,

Agree with Merry - you can crip.ple people by insisting on carrying them instead of allowing them to walk. He’s not a baby and you’re not his mother, mature adults take their own responsibility and part of his recovery is doing just that. You cleaning up his mess really helps no one and it reinforces the message that he’s incompetent.   Your responsibility would be to separate what’s yours from what’s his and to focus on what’s yours. Trying to mould him is ineffective, as you have seen.

His ex and his mother may be all too familiar with the signs but it’s not their job to protect you from what you may not have wanted to see for yourself. No criticism - I didn’t see what I didn’t want to see for four years, it’s seems easier at the time but long term it’s dysfunctional and harmful to all. 

His relationship with his ex and children are his business, encourage him but don’t do it for him.

The GP can help with a depression that has a medical cause but there are no magic pills to stop him from using. He should go to GA but again, the onus is on him, you can’t do it for him.

Focus on you, go to meetings to learn how to look after you and to learn how to stop looking after everyone and everything else. The world will keep on turning if you put down the load.

Take care of you.

CW

Posted on:
Tue, 13/03/2018 - 09:05

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

Hi cj they do get themselves in situations of utter despair. The best thing is GA, forever. I know sounds ridiculous but for many it's the only way. Other gamblers who understand each other. It really is important for you to seek support too. Learning to look after yourself is paramount. I made so many mistakes and learnt the hard way. Meetings keep me sane.

Posted on:
Tue, 13/03/2018 - 17:09

cj20097572

Joined:
2018-03-12

Thanks for all your kind words everybody. I aren’t sure whether I mentioned that the only reason I have control right now is because he asked me to. He said he can’t be trusted right now becauseit has got so out of hand and obviously this won’t go on forever. Once he’s back to feeling confident with his meetings then we will work towards giving control back slowly. I just want to to everything I can to help him get better and so I will do what he asks if he thinks that will help. I also know I need to look after myself and I am doing just that, I am keeping my finances seperate and also seeking guidance and support from here and counselling too. 

Posted on:
Thu, 22/03/2018 - 01:31

Yona

Joined:
2018-03-22

Hi. Im completely new to all of this.

I don't know where to start. My partner of 3 years has been gambling for a while now, started as a bit of fun and it's escalated to a point of spending hundreds a month gambling.

I've tried many ways to help but he seems to over power me in what i do. Im at a loose end. We've spoken about it so many times I'm constantly going around in circles. I don't know what to do anymore.

I've told him he's pushing me away thinking this would scare him but it hasn't. I love the bones of him but he can spend hours on his phone/laptop gambling!
Its getting me down, effecting my mood, i can't sleep, i just dont know what to do. He says he feels he can stop on his own but i know he won't I've heard it all before.

Any advise would be so appriciated.

Posted on:
Thu, 22/03/2018 - 03:27

Nautod

Joined:
2018-03-22

Safeguard yourself, secure your finances, don't pay his debts. For you! :)

Posted on:
Thu, 22/03/2018 - 07:51

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

Hi Yona if you start a new thread 'new topic' button at bottom of f&f page you will get more replies. In the meantime call gamcare get advice and help for you. If your partner doesn't want to stop he won't. Safeguard yourself and your finances. Don't help him pay debts. If he's controlling what you do, overpowering you? That's not part of a healthy relationship. Please call the helpline. You can also seek advice and support  from a gamanon meeting. Start a new thread and ask lots of questions or just offload.

Posted on:
Thu, 22/03/2018 - 21:56

cj20097572

Joined:
2018-03-12

Hi Yona, i’m also relatively new to this however my partner came clean and asked for help. He knows he can’t control his gambling on his own. So I agree with everyone else, all you can do is secure everything and manage to support yourself without getting into difficulty. If he is dipping into housekeeping money etc then change pins/log in details for online banking. X

Posted on:
Sat, 24/03/2018 - 08:20

Starmix

Joined:
2018-03-05

The best thing I’ve done is to separate the joint finances. I’ve also been looking at my own long term finances so that I don’t have to rely on my husband- I think if I’m honest, I’m preparing my exit strategy! I believe that I’ve just got to do what’s best for myself and LO. Just stay strong, and work through your situation in a logical way- what is most urgent... Try not to do too much in one go- it’ll overwhelm you, and definitely look for help. You need to be kind to yourself.