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#1 Posted on:
Tue, 04/06/2013 - 16:02

Matt 24

Joined:
2012-04-25

I don't know where to start with this one.

I have recently hit rock bottom again (probably the 3rd time). I have tried and failed previously to beat this addiction.

I basically started gambling again a couple of months back and had one huge win (£21k). I have since lost it all and borrowed another 5k trying to win it back.

The thing is I have a great job and just got myself a good pay rise but still this gambling demon will not go away. All I want is to be normal now and to be able to save money. It seems the more I earn the more I gamble. I dread to thik how much I have actually lost these past 10 years.

I am 33 next week an just want to be free of it. I bought bet filters, I self excluded from everyone I could think of but still found a way to gamble. I am now looking at 6 months to pay my debts off and all I can think of is getting my hands on more money to win what I have lost back. It is a sickening feeling and I hate myself for it.

I have come one here to write it down to see how ridiculous and selfish that sounds!

I am sorry but I just needed to release :-(

Posted on:
Tue, 04/06/2013 - 16:22

captain46

Joined:
2010-01-14

You are in the same position as many on here. Nothing wrong with documenting your thoughts and releasing.

My view is it doesnt matter what preventions you put in place, if you still want to gamble you will find a way to gamble. I am have been looking at various ways of stopping or controlling for years.

Those that are successful on this Forum seem to reach a point where they can say 'enough is enough' and do everything to stop. If you have reached rock bottom 3 times it seems you have not reached that point. ( I havent ever reached it either).

There is much sound advice on here, read the diaries, join the chat, do whatever it takes. Amounts and time periods and ages are all relvant but for me you are ONLY 33, and you only will ONLY take 6 months to pay off debts - count yourself lucky - I am 13 years older, my estimate is 10 years to pay debts. Many on here are worse, having lost houses, family etc.

As a first read, I'd recommend the post on Ade's diary last night - great summary of how many of us think and the cycle we go through.

Best Wishes

Posted on:
Tue, 04/06/2013 - 16:34

Matt 24

Joined:
2012-04-25

Thank you very much for your reply. I guess you are right we always find a way to gamble. The 3 times I am referring to are points where I couldn't see any way out and was sure I would stop, then a few weeks or months later I find myself back to where I was.

I have lost a lot more than my original post explained. I was referring to recent debts pay day loans etc. Previously I have been 60k in debt which Payplan now handle. A disgusting ammount of money spent on absolutely nothing.

I have 2 broken long term relationships due to my gambling (they never knew I gambled but the person I am when I gamble is zombie like so they ha enough of me).

I am not pitying myself, I am just sickened I have wasted so much time and money feeding this beast of an addiction.

I appreciate you taking the time to reply, I feel a little lost and I will certainly check out your suggestion.

Posted on:
Tue, 04/06/2013 - 16:43

Matt 24

Joined:
2012-04-25

That post is inspirational and it really does say it all.

Thank you for pointing it out to me.

Posted on:
Wed, 05/06/2013 - 09:55

Matt 24

Joined:
2012-04-25

I am onto day 2 gamble free. Still feel numb from all the losses and after totting up what I owe I feel sick to the stomach. It was if money had no meaning it was just numbers.

I have now self excluded from every online bookmaker, I am hoping today is the first day of the rest of my life.

I noticed however I definitely have a gambling sub concious. After self excluding I found my brain ticking and thinking of other ways to gamble.This is a horrific addiction I feel like I have the devil on one shoulder and the angel on the other :-(

Posted on:
Wed, 05/06/2013 - 11:00

captain46

Joined:
2010-01-14

Totally get what you say about money having no meaning. On days where I have had big losses I have had absolutely no idea how much I have lost, through combination of gambling all the cash I could get, phoning up to bet and using my debit card in shops.

At one stage I cancelled all phone accounts (which have remained closed because they were the worst method for me of betting out of control. ) Fortunately I have never bet online as I am traditional and prefer a visible paper betting slip. I self-excluded from every bookmaker within what I thought was a good distance but I ended up just travelling further afield and for a time actually enjoying the trips (while I was winning), until of course I lost it all again. Whislt putting in place self-exclusion and other deterrents can work to a degree, if we still want to gamble we will find a way.

I also tried having someone else handle money but they got sick of me begging for money for things like getting my car fixed, for travel conected with work etc. and of course I gambled some of that money which was meant for othr things. All in all you have to be 100% committed yourself.

Best of luck

Posted on:
Wed, 05/06/2013 - 14:29

Matt 24

Joined:
2012-04-25

Yeah it is scary how the brain just doesn't seem to process it. I have gambled and lost a months salary in the space of minutes!!

How I feel at this moment in time is strange. I almost feel relief that it could be over as I cannot gamble how I was previously due to the blocks I have put in place.

Next month will be the test when I am paid and have money in my bank account I cannot immediately transfer into an online bookmakers!!

Posted on:
Thu, 06/06/2013 - 09:17

Matt 24

Joined:
2012-04-25

Day 3 gamble free. Still mixed emotions but writing here to say today I will not gamble!

Posted on:
Thu, 06/06/2013 - 09:38

captain46

Joined:
2010-01-14

Same as you I have gambled a months wages in 30 minutes in the past. Sad thing is even when I have gambled and lost heavily, within a few days my brain manages to convince me to gamble again and that things will get better again. Even when losing it doesnt really matter as long as I pay the essential bills. The debts have stayed at the same level for years now. Being part of the action has taken preference to clearing debts. I'm on Day 9 and finding it difficult. Hope you can continue your new gambling free life.

Posted on:
Thu, 06/06/2013 - 09:43

Tom:686

Joined:
2013-02-24

Hello there

Day three is a real good achievement , days turn to weeks, I have stopped gambling since December 19th 2012 after being desperate for help I found this forum. Good luck my friend , defeat those ugly demons

Posted on:
Thu, 06/06/2013 - 09:52

Nobody knows

Joined:
2013-06-05

All the best.

My story is pretty similar to yours and we are similar ages so I will keep a check on your diary and hopefully we can help each other.

Posted on:
Thu, 06/06/2013 - 11:11

Matt 24

Joined:
2012-04-25

Firstly thanks for your words of encouragement. I am dreaming of a similar achievment Tom, 19th of December is a great effort well done. I know it is mad when the average person doesn't need to gamble and we feel 3 days is an achievement but to me it feels massive. Feelings of regret are the main ones right now. If I make it until the 19th of December I know I will be financially on the straight and narrow and may actually have some savings to my name, that will be your 1 year Tom so keep going mate and I hope to reach that with you!

Nobody knows, keep strong mate. Feel free to write on my diary if your struggling at any point, I have a feeling we may need as much encouragement as possible. I keep finding myself both looking forward to and dreading pay day!! That will be my first real test this time out.

Posted on:
Thu, 06/06/2013 - 11:24

PhilB73

Joined:
2013-05-25

hang in there Matt, you have to learn to become patient, i hope there will be many positives from you stopping, focus on those and as time goes by it will get easier, only on day 13 myself but i am feeling a lot better about myself!!

Phil

Posted on:
Thu, 06/06/2013 - 12:42

feetforward

Joined:
2012-05-06

I can only repeat "hang in there" - if only you knew how much I meant it and how loudly I'm shouting it for you!

Everything you describe is EXACTLY how I feel. I am female and maybe we would have nothing else in common except this addiction, but isn't it funny how the addiction operates EXACTLY the same in our brains? This helps me to see it for what it is, and know that its evil voice is something that is not me and which only wants to harm me.

I am on day 7 and each day has been hard - but I am very glad about every single one of those days, so believe me, it's worth getting through them and not gambling.

You will solve your money troubles; what's more important is not allowing this addiction to ruin your life, which it will if you go back to it. Money is not the deepest problem - losing precious time and sanity and relationships and all your self-worth is.

(and obviousy I'm talking to myself here too!)
FF

Posted on:
Fri, 07/06/2013 - 10:03

Matt 24

Joined:
2012-04-25

Thanks all for your kind words. I am hanging in there. This morning has been a little depressing, I have taken stock of what I owe to pay day loan companies. When payday arrives in 3 weeks I will literally have nothing!! That I have decided will be the last time I will ever be in that situation.

I can't go on like this and I am so determined to have that feeling again of money in my pocket and not have it hanging over me that it will all probably go. I want to feel secure again and start saving. I am a way off that but today has been a real eye opener, you just get in the gambling zone with complete disregard to the ammounts being gambled!

Posted on:
Mon, 10/06/2013 - 10:13

Matt 24

Joined:
2012-04-25

Day 6. Still having a lot of thoughts and feelings about another gamble but I have refrained and I am proud to say I haven't gambled in 6 days now.

Posted on:
Mon, 10/06/2013 - 15:01

stu38

Joined:
2011-06-22

well done Matt
stay strong, take care
Stu

Posted on:
Mon, 10/06/2013 - 15:04

Matt 24

Joined:
2012-04-25

Thanks Stu,

It's weird how this forum and just writing it down helps.

Wishing you well with your battle too.

Posted on:
Wed, 12/06/2013 - 08:41

Matt 24

Joined:
2012-04-25

Have to post this morning. Last night I had a dream I had an accumulator on the horses, I of course lost and I felt that sickening horrible feeling you get when you have lost everything.

The dream was very real. It goes to show how deep my addiction runs, I think about gambling in my sleep. Very scary but I am however proud to say I am now 8 days gamble free.

Posted on:
Sun, 16/06/2013 - 11:03

Matt 24

Joined:
2012-04-25

Day 12 and the hardest so far. Constant thoughts of wanting to bet but I can't let this defeat me, today I will not gamble!

Posted on:
Sun, 16/06/2013 - 12:34

FEB 2013

Joined:
2013-02-01

Well done Matt. Keep up your strength and good work in clocking up your gamble free days.

Take care.

Feb.

Posted on:
Sun, 16/06/2013 - 13:46

Matt 24

Joined:
2012-04-25

Thanks Feb,

Taking it one day at a time is definitely the way to do it. Big battle ahead.

Posted on:
Mon, 17/06/2013 - 15:42

Matt 24

Joined:
2012-04-25

So today is my 33rd Birthday, I am praying that I reach this day next year without a bet. My 34th year on this earth I would love to be the one that marks my new path to a positive future.

Posted on:
Tue, 18/06/2013 - 06:55

stu38

Joined:
2011-06-22

hey happy birthday Matt.
The best present you can give yourself is not to gamble.
stay strong
Stu

Posted on:
Mon, 08/07/2013 - 11:36

Matt 24

Joined:
2012-04-25

So I am now 33 days gamble free. The urges have been strong especially with Wimbledon going on (I bet a lot previously on tennis).

I am struggling financially, paying off these dam pay day loans but I am getting there. I was paid nearly 2 weeks ago and don't have much left to my name but hopefully come Friday the 26th I will feel a bit more like I am achieving something rather than being screwed by Pay Day loan company interest charges. These loans are a real reminded of the blurred mess I created gambling.

Trying to stay positive and look to a gamble free future. I know it has to be done but it is so so hard and a permanent battle of not only will but a disease that will always live within me..

Posted on:
Mon, 08/07/2013 - 14:22

duncanmac

Joined:
2012-01-26

Matt
Well done for contiuing to make a great choice, by arresting your addiction there is one thing for sure, those debts wont be added too, they will just lessen.
Keep up the good work.
Duncs stepping forward never back

Posted on:
Tue, 13/08/2013 - 10:14

Matt 24

Joined:
2012-04-25

Just a brief update...

I have now made it to day 70 gamble free and the world really does seem a different place. I was dreading the football season starting as that was the majority of my betting. I haven't felt any major urges at all yet. I have the odd wave and I nearly walked into a bookmakers to place a small accumulator on but I walked right back out of the shop telling myself this is the top of the slippery slope again.

I have now nearly paid all my pay day loans off and in the next couple of months I can actually see myself having some of my own money in my bank, rather than borrowed money. I am under no illusion that this is just the start of the battle but I feel like I am well on the way to kicking this disease.

My life is slowly returning to me and I hope others can in some way take some inspiration from this post as I honestly thought I was beaten 70 days ago and had no idea how I would ever regain a normal life again.

Take care everyone and remember Today we will not gamble.

Posted on:
Tue, 13/08/2013 - 12:01

WJ

Joined:
2012-11-06

Matt
Congratulations on Day70, you must be so proud of yourself, keep up the good work
Jax

Posted on:
Tue, 13/08/2013 - 16:27

D123

Joined:
2012-12-05

Matt,

For some reason, I've never come across your diary... but I've just been reading through some of the early posts. Firstly, it's great to see you've clocked up 70 days gamble-free; an unbelievable achievement given where you were in June. Keep up the good work.

You and I are of a similar age, and your story is a particularly familiar one. I've battled with gambling for over a decade now, and whilst managing long periods of abstinence, my 'binges' are completely brutal. I've lost about £15k in a day before (I'm sure this will seem a staggering amount for some, but perhaps not even that much to others). My point is that's money I just didn't have, and could never afford. I'd spend in minutes what it would take me a year to pay off. Yet, like you, I'd somehow convince myself a few days later that everything was OK... and that gambling was a viable way to get out of the mess.

Did I ever hit a true 'rock bottom'? I'm not sure, although I know I've been to some pretty dark, horrible places in my time. I'm 8-months gamble-free now, and although still coping with a backlog of debt, I know complete abstinence is the only way out for me.

I wish you all the best mate. Enjoy having your own money back in your account, but stay vigilant and focused.

D123

Posted on:
Wed, 14/08/2013 - 16:47

Matt 24

Joined:
2012-04-25

Hi D123

Yeah 70 days was a feat I never thought I would achieve. I was in a desperate mess when I started this and now I have come this far it is almost like the urge to gamble is far outweighed by the urge to get to day 365. I am so happy to be where I am but I am also so angry that it has dominated me for so long. I feel like I have awaken from a very bad dream with a big mess to tidy up.

8 months is a brilliant achievement, if you are anything like me you know it is a great thing but still feel the frustrations of getting yourself in the mess in the first place.

Complete abstinence is the only way I agree, we cannot trust ourselves we know this. I have done over 20k in a very short space of time and on more than one occasion. I have been with PAYPLAN for about 6 years now, my debts with them total over 60k and it is all through gambling....ludicrous. My recent debts were with payday loans but I also spent my wages every month chasing lost earnings.

Next month all my pay day loans will be clear and I will at last have my salary to spend/save etc. This has all been a long time coming. The way I see it I have lost 10 years to a disease but the next ten years could potentially be the best period of my life. This is a huge target but taken day by day I hope is achieveable.

Stay strong D123 and thanks for your reply.

Posted on:
Wed, 14/08/2013 - 16:48

Matt 24

Joined:
2012-04-25

Thanks for your kind words too Jax.

Posted on:
Wed, 14/08/2013 - 18:50

WJ

Joined:
2012-11-06

you're welcome Matt
Keep on that road to recovery, take each day one at a time
Jax

Posted on:
Wed, 05/10/2016 - 15:41

Matt 24

Joined:
2012-04-25

Day 3 GAMBLE free with another mountain to climb.

 

 

 

Hi All.

I have sadly come back here to report a major relapse. I have no idea how I arrived back in this sorry position. I am posting to hope that I can help others from re-lapsing the way I have. I had so many positives and reading back this diary provides me with hope and despair all at the same time. I went a long time gamble free and even managed to get out of horrible debt and save enough for a house deposit and bought my first house in September 2015. I was immensely proud.

Now, just over a year later I am back to square one. I have managed to rack up over 20k of gambling debt all in a few months of a crazed haze, fuelled by chasing my losses. It started with one day out at the races. After that day my brain became alive with the thrill of gambling and I found myself opening up accounts online to be able to bet. I had self excluded from so many web sites but I managed to find new sites and then it began.

I am ashamed and in a mountain of debt again all due to this horrible demon I thought I had firmly locked in a cage.

I am here to re-affirm, obstaining is THE ONLY WAY. If you have one bet you risk striking that match and lighting that forest fire again.

 

 

Posted on:
Wed, 05/10/2016 - 19:06

My family

Joined:
2016-09-28

U done it before Matt u can do it again. I was debating weather to go the races in March as a yearly this we all do but after reading your log its one thing I won't be doing. I'm only on day 10 so far. I'l be following u on here and really hope you come back stronger then ever and beat the **** out of this addiction. U done amazingly so do it again mate.

Posted on:
Thu, 06/10/2016 - 10:58

Matt 24

Joined:
2012-04-25

 

Thanks mate. I appreciate the reply. Nobody knows the real me other than this forum and probably my bank! It does help to get some of my darkest secrets out even if it is in writing on a computer! I have self excluded from all possible avenues I know and am determined to beat it again. Day 10 is a massive acheivemnet even if it doesn't feel it yet. Just know the urge will always live within you so you have to remove yourself from the places the demon can break free. Sounds extreme but that is exactly what it is to me. An inner demon who I cannot control unless I do the most basic of things. Wake up each day determined not to gamble and go to bed thankful I didn't. Look at what you can lose and remember the huge losses and dark places rather than the "big wins" or potential to win some money back with a few "harmless bets". If you have that demon it will always find a way to break free. You have to control this beast however you can.

Day 4 and already I feel better. My focus is again on repaying the debt the proper way rather than chasing my losses. Whats done is done and the line has been drawn . I am 4 days wealthier as no doubt I would have lost more money if I had gambled.

 You do not realise who you become when you are gambling. Yes the thrill is there but other things get put to the side. You don't realise you neglect other things. My missus and I have been having small arguements recently and she said that she felt that I have not been there for her recently. Her words....you are there in body but I feel like I am talking to myself and all you care about is football. (I haven't told her about my problem which I know is wrong but she is also now my motivation to get better). We sat down and played a board game and had a glass of wine and the buzz of contentment I got from that outweighs any big win.

 

Posted on:
Fri, 07/10/2016 - 11:41

Matt 24

Joined:
2012-04-25

Day 5, no bets today. Tomorrow is the test. Football coupon Saturday.. I will not gamble!!

Posted on:
Fri, 07/10/2016 - 12:32

My family

Joined:
2016-09-28

Well done mate **** the coupon thats wot I say. You'll probably lose anyway & most of all you'll sicken yourself for going back on your word. You girl sounds says the same things as mine. Sometimes she's talking to me and I think just hurry up I need to check the scores. That sounds awful but that's wot I'm like when I gamble. Keep going mate. We r in the same boat we can do this.

Posted on:
Mon, 10/10/2016 - 10:28

Matt 24

Joined:
2012-04-25

 

Day 8 GAMBLE FREE. Managed to get through the weekend which is always my biggest test.

I have minimal money to get me through the rest of the month so feeling pretty p#ssed off I have found myself here again.

On a positve note, I feel like I have a lot more clarity in my head, the cloud of gambling haze has lifted and I am thinking straight and back to reality. The reality however really isn't very pretty and a big mess to tidy up. You are right though M.F we can do this. Thanks for reading my diary and replying, it does help knowing someone can relate and hopefully help  you too by doing so.

 

 

Posted on:
Mon, 10/10/2016 - 20:26

RA_1990

Joined:
2016-02-14

Thanks for dropping by on my diary Matt. 

Well done on your 8 days and for getting through the weekend. They are certainly the hardest so far, especially when all the short priced teams win, but I just think to myself 'you would only have re bet the winnings' and I soon forget about it all. 

Keep going mate, here is to making it through the week and beyond. 

RA

Posted on:
Tue, 11/10/2016 - 13:52

Matt 24

Joined:
2012-04-25

 

THANKS RA.

I have tried not to follow any of the scores as the frustration will feed the problem I feel.

Half way through Day 9. Wish it was day 999, but baby steps and all that.

Stay strong everyone.

 

Posted on:
Wed, 12/10/2016 - 09:36

Matt 24

Joined:
2012-04-25

Day 10 gamble free begins.......

Posted on:
Wed, 12/10/2016 - 10:57

Matt 24

Joined:
2012-04-25

 

Feeling really restless today. Not with an urge to gamble as such but itching to find something to focus on to replace it I guess. Almost a sub concious feeling.

 

Posted on:
Thu, 13/10/2016 - 18:51

Matt 24

Joined:
2012-04-25

Day 11. Another weekend fast approaching. Big tests ahead to my resolve 

Posted on:
Thu, 13/10/2016 - 18:51

Matt 24

Joined:
2012-04-25

Day 11. Another weekend fast approaching. Big tests ahead to my resolve 

Posted on:
Fri, 14/10/2016 - 10:01

Matt 24

Joined:
2012-04-25

Day 12, still no bets. Feel a bit of relief but big challenges ahead I am sure. This diary is helping.

Posted on:
Sun, 16/10/2016 - 07:44

gamparentanon

Joined:
2016-04-22

Hi Matt

Parent of someone in your position speaking -

Focus on the positives - you are holding down a job where you have a bright future. In most jobs there is a fair amount of organisational skills involved. Use these skills to make a written plan for your recovery i.e. counselling, financial management, self exclusion, counting off the days not gambling, finding other ways to channel your energy - and whatever sort of day you may have keep looking at that plan and talking to people on here.  It does help to get others involved in your finances as it makes it harder to gamble but that is up to you of course.  You have succeeded before and you can do it again as you are doing now.  We all know on here that it is not easy and recovery is a rollercoaster ride but there are a lot of positives from people  to be read on here as well that are quite inspirational. Good luck Matt and wish you many more gamble-free days.

 

Posted on:
Sun, 16/10/2016 - 23:25

Matt 24

Joined:
2012-04-25

 

 

Thanks both of your reply. I have managed another weekend gamble free. The losses are crippling Emily and yes we have to accept that the only way to re-coup them is to quit gambling and forget what we have lost. Every day gamble free is a step to a better future. We both know that a win will always be followed by eventual losses.

To be a parent of someone with this illness must be hard but your support will be invaluable. I have battled through this alone really and continue to do so. This diary is my place to let it out. The written plan is something I will definitely do. Thanks for the ideas and replies on my diary. They truly help.

 

Posted on:
Tue, 18/10/2016 - 11:45

Matt 24

Joined:
2012-04-25

Day 16 begins. Another tough one with football a plenty to bet on but I will abstain! 

Posted on:
Fri, 21/10/2016 - 19:44

Matt 24

Joined:
2012-04-25

Day 19 nearly finished. Another full football coupon to avoid tomorrow 

Posted on:
Fri, 21/10/2016 - 19:52

Anonymous User

Joined:
2014-05-25

Keep up the good work Matt

Posted on:
Sat, 22/10/2016 - 19:08

RA_1990

Joined:
2016-02-14

You seem to be doing well Matt, good work. 

It's tough watching all this sport to try and not think about having a bet....it's literally shoved in your face everywhere. I have thought about betting today briefly but I came on here.

We don't want to give our hard earnt cash to William, *****, Victor or any of their other friends. 

Stay GF mate. 

RA

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