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Hate myself - SICK SICK SICK

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#1 Posted on:
Sat, 04/10/2014 - 17:38

moomoo67

Joined:
2012-02-14

I am desperate....I feel so suicidal....I can't believe I have been so stupid.
I have had a problem for about 7 years and have lost thousands. My husband was on the brink of leaving me after confessing each time I had blown all our wages. This happened about 4 times and always after a night of drinking too much wine. Eventually we put some software blocker on my laptop....all was going well for the last 6 months or so and I haven't even really thought about gambling until I realised the blocker wasn't working properly!!! This just had to coincide with me getting a big redundancy payout!!! I paid off a load of debts and was feeling so pleased with myself, my husband and I have been making plans to move to Wales! I discovered the blocker wasn't working and so lost a few thousand over but managed to mask this from my husband. We left 4K to put towards a car. So what did I do, last night I lost the 4K online casinos.

I am terrified of having to tell my husband once again I have fallen off the wagon and blown all of our car money. He has forgiven me so many times before but this amount is just sickening. I have been sick 4 times today and am dizzy and just feel like I want to end this constant pattern I keep falling into. I have looked at tablets several times and just feel like it would end all this pain I cause my husband.

PLEASE HELP ME!!!!

Posted on:
Sat, 04/10/2014 - 18:48

StevenJ

Joined:
2014-08-07

It's only a car and if he truly loves you he will stand by you again. You need to give him complete control over you finances though.

Posted on:
Sat, 04/10/2014 - 19:22

moomoo67

Joined:
2012-02-14

Hi Stephen
Thanks for replying to me. I read through your posts and understand that we are all in the same boat with this despicable illness.
I just can't face telling my husband. I cant bare to see the anger, the sadness, the disappointment and pure exasperation that I have once again been so selfish and completely stupid. I don't know if he will get over it this time, its such a large amount in one go....its madness and I fear I will lose him for good. Im more worried and anxious about that than anything....
What can I say, how do I say it.....it's just hopeless.

Posted on:
Sat, 04/10/2014 - 21:29

StevenJ

Joined:
2014-08-07

I think you need to break down to him and cry and tell him everything. If he can't stand by you through the hard times then maybe its not meant to be. It's not like you have had an affair, its an illness. Tell him he can have all your bankcards and income and take it day by day. It will get better

Posted on:
Sun, 05/10/2014 - 00:03

kms

Joined:
2012-04-29

Very sad to hear this and this is a lot of money I sure you are aware. I have this evening lost 400 in a fruit machine in a bingo hall, I have been gambling for over 20 years and I did stop for a few years but gone back in small lots. I have a problem but no body knows about it I have lost thousands over the years and this upsets me last month I lost 500 quid and this month again, I wasted a lot in casinos but since jean this year I have not been in one I just keep going occasionally going in to fruit machine shops or the bookies. You need to start like I did and stop from everything that you gamble on, I know it is hard as you get the craving , you husband will be upset but will support you I sure.

Posted on:
Sun, 05/10/2014 - 12:04

Jasmine

Joined:
2009-04-23

Good Morning Moomoo,

I'm going to give you some advice.

1. Tell your husband the truth. He may get angry and upset but ask him for help.
2. Get a blocker on your computer immediately. You are in danger of chasing losses and losing even more.
3. Organise some counselling through Gamcare.
4. Let your husband take control of the finances. You are weak at the moment and need support.
5. You need to be gentle on yourself and take recovery slowly. You HAVE TO practice recovery. It doesn't come easy but believe me it's worth the hard work.
6. You need to break this pattern of behaviour. It may sound boring but you need to try to find something that will fill your time. Anything you may have an interest in.
7. Set yourself small goals. Look after yourself today only and then tomorrows when they come.
8. Use Netline on here. Talk, Talk, Talk
9. Forget the losses...the money is gone. The reality is you will NOT win it back and if you did you would use the win to gamble more.....and so the cycle begins all over again.
10. Open a diary on here...I did and it helped so much. So many lovely and supportive people all working towards one aim.

I know how you are feeling as I've been in your situation. Believe me there is hope.

Kind regards,

Jaz x

Posted on:
Tue, 07/10/2014 - 21:00

JTC

Joined:
2014-10-07

Hi there
i am new to the forum, and I hear what you are saying, but I just don't get it. My son is a gambler and this has caused so much hert ache, not just for the family, but for him. He gambles, but then the outcome is so negative, he feels ill, suicidal,he risks losing his lovely girlfriend. Two nights ago he stole some money to feed his addiction, he knew the outcome would be negative, yet he did it. And yet at the time, like you things were good. He had been doing so well at his job, life looking great, but he pressed the self destruction button at a time when he should be doing great. Which is why I wanted to ask why were you tem[pted when things were good- you had money to pay debts and were moving house? Thing is, I will always love and stick by my son, I am his mother, not sure I can understand how a partner could do so. The question also is I find it so hard to understand why you and my son cannot get a grip on how it is destroying your lives. I really wish you well, and I am hoping my son finds his way to freedom, cos that's what it is. All you gamblers are the slaves of the -------William *** of this world and the rest of this evil industry. They are the winners and all you gamblers including my son are always going to be the losers if you continue to b e their slaves, so go for freedomXXXXXXXX But remember, you are accountable and have to take ownership of your own lives and the decisions you make.

Posted on:
Wed, 08/10/2014 - 01:03

gemgem

Joined:
2014-10-07

First of all I'm sure most of us here have had set backs we are all only human. But your here now just like i am and its about dusting yourself down and moving forward as backwards is not an option. You need to tell you husband just like I had to a few days ago (see my diary) lets face it he wont be happy but money and cars can be replaced. Up until now for years I took the coward way out, keeping everything a secret and living a lie but it didn't help me or make me rich it just gave me more heartache and worries. Its an illness I understand only now that after so many failed attempts you cant beat this alone you need to get blockers on all your computers and learn you cant go there again even for one time as you will chase it just like a drug its no different and you wont stop until you put control in there ie blockers as you will tell yourself you can control it, you cant. As for your husband if you cant tell him then write it down and leave it where he can find it words in writing can be so much more powerful but don't just tell him u have spent the money tell him from the heart about your addiction and how it overcomes you and most of allask for support and guidance.

Posted on:
Wed, 08/10/2014 - 15:55

Adam

Joined:
2010-11-24

Hello moomoo67,

Well done for using the forum. It is good to see that you've received some helpful support from your peers.

As you've acknowledged that this has been a recurring problem for several years, it could be that you would benefit from using more support for your recovery. You may know that GamCare provides free and confidential counselling appointments in many parts of Britain. You're welcome to talk with us about this, and about other types of support. You can call us free on 0808 8020 133, or on our Netline.

As you've mentioned thoughts of suicide you might also like to call the Samaritans on 08457 90 90 90.

http://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help-you/contact-us

Take care,

Adam.