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Getting there slowly

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#1 Posted on:
Sat, 09/07/2016 - 17:56

Daz71

Joined:
2014-01-27

I'm on my 97th day of no gambling since I returned to the forum so thought I'd start a diary, several years of mainly online slots cost me over 50k crazy I know. Winning was never really my aim it was all about the buzz to cover....well depression I suppose but I'm heading in the right direction now. I'm typing this just before a night out with friends which is one of the things I'm trying to do regularly now to replace the hours spent watching flashing lights on my tablet (36 hours none stop once). The money is gone and to be honest it doesn't play on my mind at all, somehow I've kept my job so I'm steadily building up some savings again. 

I decided to start this diary after a wobble last week, the only way I've managed to stop gambling this long is by using parental controls on my wifi and I was at my sisters house on my own. I opened an account but stopped myself before depositing, closed the account the next morning but it showed me I'm not as in control as I think. I survived that but it has made me wonder if the need for that buzz of excitement will ever go away completely.

I'm going to try to remember to post here every week and hopefully it will be just to say I've got through another week, I'm in the 2016 challenge but I wanted this diary so I can read back through it if times get tough. 

Finally a big thank you to Loxxie for the parental controls idea I know I've said this before elsewhere on the site but worth putting it here again, it's been a real life changer for me.

Sorry to go on its a problem I've always suffered from, never know when to shut up.

Daz.

 

 

Posted on:
Tue, 12/07/2016 - 07:56

Loxxie

Joined:
2016-01-15

Hey daz. ..mahoosive well done love on all those days...and an even bigger well done for walking away from temptation whilst away from home....
I'm glad that parental block works for you...xx

Posted on:
Tue, 12/07/2016 - 19:41

Daz71

Joined:
2014-01-27

 

100 days today! It's cheered me up after a tough day at work to see that. Thanks for the kind words Loxxie you've become my sort of hero or heroine rather on here for giving me the wifi idea it's been a life saver, the way I felt a few months ago maybe literally a life saver. Things have moved on and improved though I'm still working, never stopped paying into my company pension and have shares in the same company for my retirement. I can still dream of early retirement but that's changed from a flat near a casino to a quiet life in a sleepy village, I may have to work a couple of extra years now but so what. I'm going away with friends at the weekend so looking forward to that, I always try to have something coming in the future to keep me cheerful now.  No gambling thoughts this week but I'll have to keep my guard up going forward probably for the rest of my life now. Time to stop boring you now so I'll sign off, keep fighting back it's possible to get things back on track.

Daz.

 

Posted on:
Tue, 12/07/2016 - 20:00

Guestuser9

Joined:
Before 2009

Well done on getting to the century club daz

Posted on:
Wed, 13/07/2016 - 09:11

Loxxie

Joined:
2016-01-15

Hey daz
It's never boring hearing that your doing so well....and so posative for your future....and yes your right ....we will have to keep our guards up today....and everyday....but we also have to do other things every day for the rest of our lifes....so a simple thing I do is....when I've cleaned my teeth in the morning I look in the mirror and say. ." No first spins for me today " ! daft maybe...
Anyway..as for being a hero. ..nahhhh....just another compulsive gambler enjoying recovery....have fun when your away. ..stay safe x

Posted on:
Fri, 15/07/2016 - 15:06

triangle

Joined:
2014-03-14

Daz71 wrote:

 

100 days today! It's cheered me up after a tough day at work to see that. Thanks for the kind words Loxxie you've become my sort of hero or heroine rather on here for giving me the wifi idea it's been a life saver, the way I felt a few months ago maybe literally a life saver. Things have moved on and improved though I'm still working, never stopped paying into my company pension and have shares in the same company for my retirement. I can still dream of early retirement but that's changed from a flat near a casino to a quiet life in a sleepy village, I may have to work a couple of extra years now but so what. I'm going away with friends at the weekend so looking forward to that, I always try to have something coming in the future to keep me cheerful now.  No gambling thoughts this week but I'll have to keep my guard up going forward probably for the rest of my life now. Time to stop boring you now so I'll sign off, keep fighting back it's possible to get things back on track.

Daz.

 

Congatulations on the 100 days.  Its a good starting point for the rest of the journey.  Well done on getting there.  Don't forget what got you to this point. Tri x

Posted on:
Sat, 16/07/2016 - 18:21

Daz71

Joined:
2014-01-27

Thanks for the congratulations Tri and the wise words, I know there will always be a risk of going back to my crazy ways if the opportunity arises.  I'm not about to kid myself that I'm over my gambling problems but while the blocks are in place the urges seem to have receded.  It's a pity that the Internet is such an important part of life these days or I'd just have it disconnected but what I've done is working. Well I'll sign off for another day it's time to go out to eat, way better than spending hours watching flashing lights on my tablet. Daz

Posted on:
Sat, 23/07/2016 - 17:47

Daz71

Joined:
2014-01-27

 

Had a really good week, a couple of days away at the weekend and the weather has been brilliant maybe a little to warm for me but no complaints. The days keep passing by and the nightmare I had made of my life seems to becoming just a memory. Going out with friends tonight for a meal and a couple of drinks, maybe not very exciting but still trying to always have something to look forward to. I still get a little rush of adrenaline when online slots come on TV but keep reminding myself about the self hate I would feel after a big gambling session, I don't want to feel like that again. 

I'm not kidding myself this will be with me for a long time if not forever so I'll always have to keep the blocks in place but life does seem to be getting better slowly.  I'm building up some savings which is really unusual and nice after the last few years, it does seem strange to be posting facts about my secret life here but it really seems to help. 

Well I'll be back on boring everyone again in a few days, I hope everyone here has a really good weekend.

Daz.

Posted on:
Fri, 29/07/2016 - 11:06

Daz71

Joined:
2014-01-27

Incredibly busy week at work so no time to think about gambling which is good but at the same time I'd rather it had been a quiet week. Continuing with my plan of always having something to look forward to I'm going to London in a couple of weeks to visit old friends and do the tourist stuff, looking forward to that. Just home from a quick gym session so it's sleep, eat and time for another long nightshift. Missing a party tonight I'd loved to have gone to but that's just life I guess. 

Well nothing interesting to say this week really so I'll sign off, hoping you all stay strong and have a better weekend than I'll have at work.

Daz

Posted on:
Sat, 13/08/2016 - 13:52

Daz71

Joined:
2014-01-27

Not been on here for a few weeks because of work commitments really, things get crazy during the summer months. I'm still hanging in there to be honest though I'm so busy I couldn't spare the time to think about gambling let alone actual slip back into my old ways. So work is good for something anyway lol. 

Posted on:
Fri, 09/09/2016 - 09:08

Daz71

Joined:
2014-01-27

Thought it was about time I made an entry on here, I've been keeping busy away from work trying to get out more and making regular trips to the gym. Work is crazy at the moment and my brain is fried even to the point of considering quitting and looking for something less stressful but I'm trapped by the salary - still trying to get some money saved up. Recevied my pension statement this week and was shocked to see a figure over 100k in there I'm so thankful I couldn't have got my hands on that during my darker times or it would all have gone. I suppose things are slowly getting easier but the depression that I think was a big part of my problem in the 1st place keeps making regular appearances so I have to be very careful.  I'm beginning to accept that my life will never be 'normal' if there is such a thing but at least I don't have those terrible days after a heavy gambling night when I daren't check my bank balance.  I'm going on again as usual, still fighting but not sure I'll ever really win or even what winning would mean.

Posted on:
Fri, 09/09/2016 - 09:36

alainepo

Joined:
2016-07-27

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Posted on:
Fri, 09/09/2016 - 20:49

Daz71

Joined:
2014-01-27

Many thanks for taking the time to post here, it never fails to surprise me how supportive and kind people here can be. I think I'm having a bit of a low time at the moment probably because the problems that helped drive me to gamble are still with me. I feel these days that the buzz from gambling was kind of an anti depressant for me but being a man I would really struggle to admit to a 'weakness' like that to my GP. I keep trying to make what I see as positive changes in my life but have off periods when everything gets me down, that's how I am at the moment. I'll keep battling on eventually I hit a good patch again, the trick has been to put so many blocks in place that I can't slip back into my old ways. Tomorrow's another day and all that. 

Posted on:
Fri, 09/09/2016 - 23:25

Being Present

Joined:
2016-07-01

Daz, first of all I want to say that Loxxie is amazing and I loved reading her words to you. She helped me as (I think) she helped you. Understanding and loving but "getting it" because she's been there. Secondly absolutely you used gambling as an antidepressant. So did I. And so do many of us. But it's a rubbish one and that's why neither you or me will use it again. Because we know it doesn't actually work. It sounds like you're going through some stuff work wise that's a bit rubbish. I don't have any answers for you other than gambling is not going to help. When it made us feel ok for a bit it was literally just for a tiny bit. Then we felt rubbish again. And we still had to deal with the stuff we were trying to escape from. Well done on your way past a century. Life DOES suck a bit sometimes but we can choose to either make it suck more or not. I'm choosing to go for the "yeah it sucks enough as it is I don't need it any worse" version. ;) I can see you are too.  

Posted on:
Thu, 22/09/2016 - 20:38

Daz71

Joined:
2014-01-27

 

 

Not been on here for a while again, works still getting me down and I'm currently recovering from surgery for a detached retina which happened out of the blue while I was sleeping. Feeling really miserable and part of me would love the buzz of the slots but it would only make things worse, I think I'm always down at work this time of year just so much to get done....I'd love to quit but trapped by the pay packet. It does help to come on here and moan although I'm not sure it's what these diaries are supposed to be for but at least when things get better I can see where I've been. Nothing seems to clear my dark mood at the moment I'm really hoping this isn't the new me even I can't stand myself at the moment.

Anyway I'll get off now, sorry to be so down and negative hopefully something will come along to cheer me up.

 

Posted on:
Thu, 22/09/2016 - 20:54

ODAAT

Joined:
2014-11-10

That is exactly what these diaries are for!  

I hear you...Any little injury can really start pulling me into a place I don't want to be & a detached retina sounds horrible :-(  Hope you get better soon.  

As for the mind stuff, have you had a go @ GA?  It's not the same as jumping up on a therapist's couch & it may just be the kick start you need to accepting yourself, warts & all.  Ain't none of us perfect - even if I like to kid myself I am ;-)

There's always sunshine after the rain!  Keep fighting Daz - ODAAT 

Posted on:
Thu, 03/11/2016 - 14:19

Daz71

Joined:
2014-01-27

I just wanted to come back and apologise for disappearing, following eye surgery and given my ongoing battle with depression the inevitable happened and I've had a breakdown I suppose you'd call it. I'm now on medication and getting help from professionals but it will be a long battle back to any kind of normality. I'll add that I haven't returned to my online gambling habit which is pretty much the only positive I can take out if it...I lost interest in everything including gambling. I'm not sure when I'll be back on here again I'm hoping that when I get back to being myself the gambling urges won't return but I doubt that so I'll try to keep updating. I'd like to thank everyone on here for being so kind and understanding I guess I wasn't completely honest about my mental well being but I haven't been honest with myself about that. I wish you all luck and I will return but hopefully not because I have to but because I want to.  Daz.

Posted on:
Thu, 03/11/2016 - 14:27

ALAN 135

Joined:
Before 2009

No need for apologies Daz , your diary's here if and when you want it and to be honest youv'e a really valid reason ! , You sound as though youve been well and truly through the mill these past weeks , it's great that your still finding positives despite your ongoing battle :)).

I wish you well my friend and hope things continue to improve for you .

With much respect

Alan  

Posted on:
Tue, 06/02/2018 - 16:18

Daz71

Joined:
2014-01-27

Felt like posting here today for some reason, not been on my diary for so long. Finally seem to be getting sorted properly, no bank cards is working for me together with anti depressants. Currently working overtime to build my finances back up, not enjoying it but has to be done. Spoke to a friend recently who had similar problems but won’t admit it. Not much I can do to help just try to be a mate I suppose. One thing that really has changed for me is I’ve realised you can only help yourself with GA. I’ll keep going with the challenge for 2018. Early mornings at work are so much easier when you haven’t lost a fortune online the night before. Daz

Posted on:
Tue, 06/03/2018 - 16:07

Daz71

Joined:
2014-01-27

A good year so far, always try to be on my guard but I think I’ve finally got the formula right. I’m honestly not sure that I’ll ever be able to have bank cards again though and anti depressants seem to have given me a better out look on life.  Never thought my life would end up like this so many wasted years and so much wasted money but I really think I’m getting somewhere these days.

Posted on:
Wed, 04/04/2018 - 13:34

Daz71

Joined:
2014-01-27

Seriously considering getting a debit card with a small limit on it to make life a bit more normal. The urge to play online slots has left me and with medication my mind seems a lot more focused on life. Not 100% sure yet as over the years I’ve been at this point so many times only for something to trigger a relapse. I think I’m talking myself out of it while typing this lol. Although my savings all went over the years I’m lucky I suppose not to owe anyone money and to have kept my job. I’m also very lucky to have found a GP who actually took the time to get me talking about what’s going on in my head. Well as usually I’m going on too long but it helps to put it on here. I can read it back later. Daz signing off and getting back to work. 

Posted on:
Wed, 04/04/2018 - 18:10

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Hi Daz, I'm sorry to read about your breakdown the other year and I hope you now find yourself in a happier place.
It sounds like you've done a great job in coping with this addiction.
It also sounds like you need a little extra support at the moment so well done for coming on here and talking it out.
You should be proud of your achievements because you sound as though you have had a lot to cope with.
All good wishes x

Posted on:
Thu, 26/04/2018 - 00:44

Daz71

Joined:
2014-01-27

Thanks Little Miss, life has been one long struggle and probably always will be I think. Not sure my brain is wired up properly to be honest. Decided against getting a bank card it’s just not worth the risk. I’ll keep going forward and keep taking my meds, hopefully there will be light at the end of the tunnel someday soon. 

Posted on:
Mon, 07/05/2018 - 21:01

Daz71

Joined:
2014-01-27

 

 

I wanted to post this really as a reminder to myself about how I used to act, an old friend was back in town last week I may have mentioned him before. I had my 1st gambling experiences with him many years ago, arcades and casinos which were okay until I found online slots and that nearly destroyed me. Anyway I’ve tried talking to him before about gambling problems as I saw a fellow sufferer but he’s always denied having problems. I’m drifting again, so last week we went for a walk along the coast and of course he wanted to go in the arcades. I’m proud to say I told him I wasn’t gambling anymore but ashamed to say I went with him. It was a shocking 2 hour experience, he won then lost, used 2 different cards in atm’s lost that and finally tried to borrow money from me. As usual these days I had very little cash so that was out. The short trip home was pretty quiet and I dropped him off and returned home. The change in my friend was amazing, he’s very intelligent but became obsessed constantly swearing at machines and showing no interest in chatting. The point I think I’m trying to make to myself is that used to be me huddled over my iPad every night. I like to think I’m changing and maybe getting my head straight and in a better place, I know I never want to go through it again so I must keep my wits about me. I wish I could help my old friend but I’m not strong enough to deal with anyone else’s problems, mine are enough for now.

A lighter note to finish, I did have a few quid for fish and chips before the drama started a simple treat but that’s what I live for now. Anything that makes me happy must be a good thing.

As usual I’m going on again so I’ll leave you all in peace. Daz signing off it’s time for some sleep.

 

Posted on:
Sun, 20/05/2018 - 14:40

Daz71

Joined:
2014-01-27

 

 

Strange, I always thought online slots were my only problem but walking past the local bookie this week made me think differently. There was a member of staff smoking outside who stopped me for a chat, he said I used to be in there most weeks and they hadn’t seen me for so long they thought I’d left the area.  I honestly thought I’d only been in there a few times certain made me think.

Oh well the sun is shining and I’m working again, still things have certainly improved since those dark days.

Daz.