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The game is up

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#1 Posted on:
Thu, 04/08/2016 - 22:11

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Hi,
I'm finally going to put something down instead of trying to gain strength off reading others experiences.
Add me to the long line of people who once upon a time felt like they had a life and a future and then stupidly got suckered into this hellish existence of being a gambling addict.
When did it happen? How did it happen? I'm not quite sure. One day I was playing for fun laughing with my family then bang!* I turned into little miss secretive, hiding behind closed doors spending hours spinning those mesmerising reels.
Now 4 years later, 20 thousand pounds in debt, hating everything that gambling has turned me into I've just been handed my bank statement by my daughter who took my bank card to borrow some money off me. She said she printed my statement out so she could double check how much she had spent because she had bought a number of things and she's going to pay me back in a few days.
On that statement there must be at least 15 withdrawals for gambling all £20 or £50. I know she's seen it even though she said she hasn't looked at it. So why did she print it out? She hasn't asked what's on and has handed it over. I can't bring myself to look at it because I'm so ashamed.
Life was bad trying to exist knowing I was a gambling addict now it's just got worse having my family know.
As with most of us I've made mistakes in life. Some bigger than others but I've always tried my best.
As I said at the beginning I read this site to try to gain strength when I'm feeling low. I try so hard to stop gambling, i go for weeks without gambling and start to feel better with myself then wham! there I go again. Sleepless nights, hating myself and worries about debts.
Well, 7 days without gambling. 7 years ahead of working 6 days a week to pay off the debts caused by spinning those reels.
My life is such a mess and it's all my own fault.

Posted on:
Thu, 04/08/2016 - 22:26

Justjoseph

Joined:
2016-07-18

Positive step coming on here. Writing about it helps release your baggage on your mind. In terms of the debt..get in touch with stepchange ..they will help get all your debts into one debt . Its hard knowing you are going to be working for free to pay off gambling debts..its really hard but in time you will feel better.

You must deny yourself any chance or opportunity to gamble. I ordered new card and got gf to scratch off security code STOPPING me deposit online. What a help that was.

Ga helps. You'll meet people in our situation and it'll gave you a massive lift

Posted on:
Thu, 04/08/2016 - 23:11

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Thanks jj. Kind of you to help. I got in touch with step change but I'm just about doing what they advised me to do anyway. They also didn't allow for money i need to pay back to my brother, I have to give him some each month. Mind you I'm even more in debt now than I was then 3 months ago so what step change would advise now I don't know. All I know is that every penny I earn goes on bills or debts. As I explained previously I took on a Sunday job a couple of years ago to help pay debts but i hate doing it.
I often think should I give that job up and go bankrupt but then that brings massive problems as well.
I'm single, i've got equity in my home but I'm still paying a mortgage on it. I don't want to lose it so I suppose I've just got to carry on.
I've had counselling through gamcare. I managed to stop gambling for 3 months, then stupidly started again. I've given my bank cards to a friend who after 4 years of secrecy I finally confided with. She's been great but I got one card back needing it for my daughter. Even though my friend knows I gamble I still can't bring myself to admit to her how much debt I've got myself into.
I hate the fact that I'm so weak i can't trust myself.
I get so low when I lose so why do I still do it???
Most days I hate how gambling has destroyed my life so I won't gamble. It's just that odd day when you think I'll only put £20 on (unfortunately I love the buzz watching those reels spin!) then before you know it £200 has gone! This last month has been bad for losing money. Other months I've not gambled so much. This month I must stop. I'm gambling with money In my overdraft. It's money I haven't got and I can't put it back.
I'm at the lowest I can go. I realise that. I have to face up to things and stop.

Posted on:
Fri, 05/08/2016 - 09:50

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Wake up to another day. Wondering whether my daughter has told my other children about my gambling.
I read other people's posts. I understand where they're coming from. It probably sounds awful but I read some and think how do people cope with their problems? I don't mean that horribly, I really feel for them and I want everything to come right for them. It could be a lot worse for me but it still doesn't take away the self loathing, sadness, debt worries and feeling sorry for myself. In the recent past
I've gambled and lost thousands, (all on credit cards and usually right through the night) I've had to ring the samaritans and gamcare helpline feeling absolutely distraught practically begging them to give me some strength so I can face the day and get myself into work. I want my life to change but I'm struggling with the fact that even if I stop gambling I can't escape the financial ruin I've got myself into. Thinking about it i think that's why i continue to gamble, just waiting for that 'big win' to clear some of the debt, but that never happens because as it says many times on here. . . I can't win cos I can't stop. I just feel numb to it all now. I have people making demands of me. I seem to suffer guilt in all I do. I want to curl up and go to sleep - easy option, shut the world out but life dictates you can't.
I know I have to face up to things. Get the strength to think positively. I'm sorry if I sound like I'm just whining and it's all 'woe is me.' I'm just hoping putting it down here will help me to get it out of my system, help me to accept the situation I'm in and gain the strength to enable me to move on.
Anyone reading this will probably have problems of their own. I hope you can find the strength to overcome them. We are probably all good, loving, caring people, this addiction just makes us lose sight of that fact.

Posted on:
Fri, 05/08/2016 - 10:40

FM79

Joined:
2016-04-19

Hi, Little Miss,

Gambling is an evil i know how you feeling right now , please read my thread too then you will understsand that you are not alone. We as compulsive gambler dont accept that we have problem and think that we can quit any time but in reality we are far away from that. There is only one solution and that is just stop and stop forever.

I made mistake two months ago and did not learn and ,i lost my life savings, it been more than week now since my losses but every day i wake up with anxiety and panic and cursing myself, wish i could quit in good times.

Posted on:
Fri, 05/08/2016 - 16:28

Roxicobain

Joined:
2014-11-21

Hi Little Miss & FM79,
I believe compulsive gambling is an illness (so don't be hard on yourselves) & I don't think we are weak. Writing on here & admitting that you have a problem I believe is a strength. For me blocking any access to gambling is key. I have Nannynet on my smart phone. I have also arranged my first counselling session with gamcare which amazingly is free for everyone. I really believe with support on here you can recover. It has really helped me by reading others experiences. Just knowing that I am not alone. The willingness to recover is evident in both of your posts. I wish you both well & keep close to the forum. Best wishes Roxi :) x

Posted on:
Sat, 06/08/2016 - 00:54

Joydivider

Joined:
2015-03-11

Hi LML.

You are in the right place and I really hope you will continue to use the forum. You know you have a problem and that is half the battle. At the moment you are understandably upset and confused.

You are in that circle of addiction that has affected people from all walks of life. 

There is no shame in admitting a gambling addiction so please tell people close if you can  and reach out for all the help you can get.

There is almost too much to say here but Gambling will not solve your financial worries and you need financial advice. There is a point where you cant let debts worry you ill. There is a point where you cant make yourself so miserable about money that you cant carry on a normal life.

A gambling addiction is an illness and a form of mind control. Gamblers ignore the odds. Its not fun and you have become hooked on that feeling of expectation deep within the human soul. Its often linked to depression and a cry for help. It isnt fun and if the money element is removed spinning slots become as dull as dishwater. You may indeed be playing for escape and the mind craves dopamine. Its an illness and you wont think straight until the mind has been given time to think and heal

It doesnt matter what people think becuase if you dont reach out gambling will destroy you. Your daughter wants her mother back and I will be emotive to shake you into a moment of strength.

Take the fight on and self exclude. You dont want gambling dens in your life. Youve lost sight that they want to make pure money from you. If its online you dont want them in your home so someone has to take control of your gadgets and you must be blocked and self excluded from everywhere. Its a mugs game, and a losers game. It is not an income scheme. What they are selling you is a drug of illusion on which you became hooked

You wont do it alone so there is no room for a casual approach. Any door left open will lead to relapses and willpower alone is not enough in the early stages

Being gamble free is a wonderful feeling and we want you to join us

Best wishes from everyone on the forum

 

Posted on:
Sat, 06/08/2016 - 01:06

FM79

Joined:
2016-04-19

Roxicobain wrote:
Hi Little Miss & FM79, I believe compulsive gambling is an illness (so don't be hard on yourselves) & I don't think we are weak. Writing on here & admitting that you have a problem I believe is a strength. For me blocking any access to gambling is key. I have Nannynet on my smart phone. I have also arranged my first counselling session with gamcare which amazingly is free for everyone. I really believe with support on here you can recover. It has really helped me by reading others experiences. Just knowing that I am not alone. The willingness to recover is evident in both of your posts. I wish you both well & keep close to the forum. Best wishes Roxi :) x

Thanks Roxi and best of luck you too

Posted on:
Sat, 06/08/2016 - 11:54

Oldhamktf

Joined:
2015-09-26

Hi little miss,

Well done for stepping out of the shadows and sharing with us. Like you said the games up, I know and you know your daughter looked at the statement, she might of even printed it out deliberately to confirm what she was thinking. If you can find the courage and strength to be open with her it will only help, how would you feel if she was in this mess and didn't come to you in her tone of need. We can't do this alone gambling lives secrecy it feeds off it. 

I understand you are scared so I'll leave you with this I picked up at GA and I hope it helps you. 

FEAR

F *** Everything And Run.          or

Face Everything And Recover

The choice Is yours KTF 

Posted on:
Sat, 06/08/2016 - 13:30

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Massive thank you for taking the time and for everybody's helpful, understanding and encouraging words. I really do appreciate it. It's a lonely, fake, upsetting, scary world in which I live, even though I see lots of people and I'm lucky enough to have family and friends who care. I feel two faced to the point that I'd rather not see and speak to people than have to put on an act, making out I'm OK when all I really want to do is cry, scream and tell the world how unfair it all is. What an idiot I've been!! How did I fall for it?? Look where I am now - stuck with all this debt!! Reading the site I realise this is all part and parcel of being a cg, it's down to me to get myself back on track - with help.
I have looked at ways to put a block on gambling on my phone which is the only means I have but I don't know how to. I get the access codes but then can't work out how to get any further, it all seems too complicated. I have read reports that k9 messes your phone up so it put me off that. They all seem Americanised.
Anyone know what I can use to block on a Samsung s5 neo?
I've Googled it but had no joy.

Posted on:
Sat, 06/08/2016 - 16:54

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Thanks half-life. You're right in all you say. My response is. . .
I've just got this phone, I don't want another one. People will ask why I don't get Internet any more. I use the Internet for other things. . .
I can just reel them off - excuse after excuse after excuse.
Do I want to really escape from this hell - hole? Then you're right. I must do something about it.
I've self - excluded over the years from so many sites I've lost track, yet i still seem to find one when the urge grabs me.
I came home this afternoon. Really felt like gambling online but read messages on this site instead. Looked at my 9 days without gambling and thought don't do it. You'll have to start again if you do.
I need to give my debit card back to my friend. That worked before because without it I couldn't gamble but will it solve my problem long term? I don't think so. She already has my credit cards.
Do I need more counselling? To be honest, I said all I wanted to say when I had counselling before. Yes I stopped gambling for 3 months, mainly because I wanted to be able to tell my councillor every week that I hadn't gambled. I don't think that's a valid reason to be able to stop long term.
It's amazing how not gambling affects you. In those 12 weeks I started to be able to look at myself in the mirror again without feeling disgust. I stopped looking at people in the traffic jam on the opposite side of the road to me whilst I was on my way to work thinking . . .look at you, I bet you've got a brilliant life. I bet you haven't been awake half the night losing money you haven't got, having a couple of hours sleep only to wake up feeling heavy eyed and remember how much you've lost then hate yourself and your life all over again!
Yes there's sooo much to say about stopping gambling. I want those 'feeling good about myself and not feeling sorry for myself' vibes again. I can't let this addiction take that away from me. I must be strong.
Sorry I go on but I know you'll think it's better than spinning those reels which was what I wanted to do x