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Feeling lost

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#1 Posted on:
Sat, 04/11/2017 - 19:12

Cantseethelight

Joined:
2017-11-04

Hey everyone I'm new here. So let's begin lol. I have been with my hubby(married for 5 years) not long ago I found out he had been gambling. I only found out by chance really. He lied and lied and was basically leading double life.. Anyway in the end I found out he had racked up a debt of over £8000.
Yes I was so shocked I was like GET OUT AND PACK UR BAGS I felt so betrayed and heartbroken that I didn't even no this man. Anyway after a few days I started to help him and support him finding the help he needed and being there for him.
He was showing all the signs that he was sorry and would never do it again and was a one off ect so I took him back in. Anyway so on the 1st of November when our rent comes out the bank he came home and told me someone had fraud his account and took all the money we had( £800) or something.
I was like wtf, he was like yea I've been at the bank all day trying to sort it and they said it would take upto 6 months to get money back. I'm like OK so what we Gonna do???? He said well luckly all the bill had come out before the rest was taken... The only one that didn't come out was the rent.... I'm like well what we gonna do???? He was like i don't no but I'll sort it.
I was like ermmm OK!!!. But I told my sister what had happened and she said are u sure it wasn't hubby gambling again??? I was like no he wouldn't do that and besides this is our rent money. After talking to my sister I felt a little like I needed to make sure so I said right let's go bank again tommorrow and I'll come with u. I told him why stright away... I was like hubby it wasn't u was it??? He was like no way I told u I would never risk my family again.... So I was like OK then let me come with u and I can see ur Statment just to be sure. He was OK with this and the matter was left for that night.
Any way the next day he had work till 4pm. He text me that day and said... Hey the bank just rang and said they will not be giving me any money back cause the money was taken by credit checks/loans or something like that. I was like Ok thats werid and didn't understand what he was saying to be fare.
Anyway I was starting to feel more like he was not telling me the truth so I asked him again... I said hubby it was u wasn't it.... And he said some of it was him and he sorry.(it was all him and he was trying to cover it up with another lie). Anyway I Sat there in shock again untill it turned to fear. I remembered it was the rent that had gone which ment the rent hadn't been paid... We have a 3 year old son and we rent private.
I was outraged as he has just took the roof right off his sons head as we have no more money to pay it. I felt I had no choice this time but to tell him to go and reluctanty i started a claim for housing benifit as a single and tell the landlord who agreed to take his name off the tentacy.. I really felt I had no other choice and still don't.
Anyway the reason i am telling you all this is because I feel at a total loss because we have not parted on bad terms and I would never stop him seeing his son and I love my hubby so much. Anyway I need some advice because now I've put in a claim for housing benifit I'm on the understanding he has to find another mailing address... Problem is he doesn't have anyone that he could use because all his family also claim housing benifit.
I am so upset because I dont want to see him on the streets or not be able to have his car because he has no fixed address ect. What do I do. I can't have him back.. Not untill he has sorted his life out (I'm still there to support him) but my priority is our son). Like I say the major problem is him haven't no fixed address for mail. Pls help me help him thanks

Posted on:
Sat, 04/11/2017 - 21:39

Lethe

Joined:
2016-12-10

You have done the right thing in prioritising your own and your son's interests.

Gamblers lose the connection between action and consequence. Your husband caused the problem. Letting him solve it is the best thing for him long term.

Posted on:
Sun, 05/11/2017 - 07:11

Cantseethelight

Joined:
2017-11-04

Lethe ty so much for ur comment. I suppose I just needed to hear that I am doing the right thing as sometimes I really dout myself. I have a high guilt trip mind lol and a massive heart which sometimes gets in the way so I just think I need to hear that what I have done is the right way to go.

Posted on:
Sun, 05/11/2017 - 08:30

Cynical wife

Joined:
2015-06-23

Morning,

It sounds counterintuitive to leave him to it but it really is the best thing.  He’s an adult and it’s his responsibility to maintain himself and his family. You’re not his mother and he’s not a toddler, it’s not helpful for you to do for him things that he must do for himself. As you realise, there are consequences to gambling away the rent money. Ultimately, landlords will repossess and find tenants who will pay on time. (Usually landlords have their own mortgage which is covered by the rent, and mortgage lenders are not known for their compassion.)

It’s really important to refuse to shield the gambler from the consequences of his gambling.  Most F&F bail out and shield over and over, which results in a never ending cycle of gambling and protest /condemnation/ threats without actual consequences. But it’s the consequences that result in the discomfort. And there’s no motivation to change until the real hard discomfort becomes worse than the kicks/benefit of gambling. So if he’s presently of no fixed abode, that’s happened because he gambled the rent money, not because you’re failing in loyalty to him. You need to maintain for yourself clear boundaries as to what behaviour is or isn’t acceptable to you, which concept has nothing whatsoever to do with him, (it’s about what you accept and not what he does).

Don’t be dragged down, stay with the path you’ve started. It’s hard, you’ll need the help and support from your family, from the Helpline, from GamAnon. I find GamAnon meetings really helpful, worth the effort of travel and babysitter.

Look after you.

CW

Posted on:
Sun, 05/11/2017 - 09:22

Nomore

Joined:
2017-10-31

Hi there

Cynical Wife couldn't have summed it up better. There are consequences from actions and continuing as you are with no consequences for him from gambling the rent money will lead you into a repeat cycle where you are always worrying about whether rent and bills have been paid.

Stay strong and make sure you have a support network in place, this is a time where you must listen to your head not your heart.

Yours and your childs needs come first. He is an adult and will have to be responsible for himself and his actions.

Take care and you will get through this x

Posted on:
Sun, 05/11/2017 - 13:49

Cantseethelight

Joined:
2017-11-04

Cw and nomore thank you so much for ur advice and support. Feeling a little better today and not so guilty. He came round to see his son for abit as we both feel it's important to try and keep things as they were for our child's sake as he is only 3. I am hoping maybe in the future we can rekindle as I love him so much but I no I have done the right thing. Just have to keep reminding myself that by doing this I am hopfully helping him.

Posted on:
Sun, 05/11/2017 - 14:52

Amom

Joined:
2014-10-09

When you feel guilty just read your first post on your thread. Sometimes when we see things in black and white it helps to clear things up in our minds.

And yes by doing this you are helping him. These are the natural consequences of his actions. Momma bears always protect their cubs.

Cathyx

Posted on:
Sun, 05/11/2017 - 17:29

Forum admin

Joined:
2010-11-01

Hello Cantseethelight,

Well done for joining the forum.  Regarding your questions about housing benefit/accomodation for your partner, you could suggest to him that he seeks professional advice from services like Shelter and Citizens Advice Bureau:

https://england.shelter.org.uk/get_help/helpline

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/benefits/

You could also use these services to get information on your rights as a tenant.

You're welcome to call us on our freephone 0808 8020 133 if you'd like to talk about how you're feeling, or if you'd like some information on local or online support.

Take care,

Forum admin.

Posted on:
Sun, 05/11/2017 - 19:26

Cantseethelight

Joined:
2017-11-04

So overwhelmed by all ur comments and help. Cathy wow u are so right. I just read over it and reminded myself why I have chosen to do this ty so much. Admin ty so much for these ideas I didn't think of them. I will defo pass on the info to him to see if it's something that he feels will help him. Ty all keep them coming lol