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Feeling hopeless!

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#1 Posted on:
Thu, 22/03/2018 - 11:33

The fun has stopped

Joined:
2017-11-03

Once again I've let gambling slowly creep back into my life and and im so fed up of it, started back on a bingo site after my last lapse on the slots machines in January, telling my self I'll be ok if I set limits it will mean I can have a little bet now an then so I won't feel the need to go on the machines again. I was wrong of course, slowly started upping my limits, started buying scratch cards again and today I once again emptied my account on the stupid machines. I didn't come back for advice I've already had plenty of people wast there time trying to help me, this time I know exactly what I need to do, I'm just hoping by starting a fresh diary in here that I will stick at it this time!

Posted on:
Thu, 22/03/2018 - 11:44

Smashed

Joined:
2017-08-13

Because what you have said is exactly how it works, like what is £10 your getting £40 bonus money too surely you can turn a profit and make a cashout, thats what a gambling mind will always tell you, it's only 2 scratchcards it's not like your involved again, what is a couple of games of cheap 1p bingo it's fun. And the thing is it's not fun when the gambling mind watches your every move and knows if your feeling down when your fed up and will take over your thoughts like a spell and smile as you reach for your debit card for just that one small deposit, like the evil queen with the poison apple "Just One Bite". You can do it just abstain from all gambling no matter how harmless or low stakes your gambling mind will tell you.

Posted on:
Thu, 22/03/2018 - 13:09

The fun has stopped

Joined:
2017-11-03

Thanks for your reply, I know I need to stop everything complety I've just found it hard to imagine no form of gambling ever again, I told myself If I could just stick to bingo and away from the machines id be ok but it was impossible as the thought of gambling was still constantly on my mind. I don't want to be addicted anymore!

Posted on:
Thu, 22/03/2018 - 17:27

Forum admin

Joined:
2010-11-01

Dear TFHS,

Welcome back and sorry to hear you've had a lapse.

I know you have been on the forum for a while, however I wondered if you have considered counselling?

You can always come through on the helpline 0808 8020133 or netline and speak to an adviser who could refer you for our free counselling.

The lines are open 7 days a week 8am - 12 midnight.

Take care,

Victoria

Forum Admin

Posted on:
Thu, 22/03/2018 - 17:50

The fun has stopped

Joined:
2017-11-03

Thank you, I'm not sure why I didn't try counselling in the past, probably thought I didn't need it ! Think I'm ready to try anything now though, I'll ring the helpline tomorrow when my daughter's at school.

Posted on:
Fri, 23/03/2018 - 17:05

The fun has stopped

Joined:
2017-11-03

Wish I still had the same determination as the first time I tried to stop, at the minute I just feel numb like I don't care enough anymore. No suprise I didn't even make it 24 hours, only a scratch card so no big loss but just showed me that I'm not trying hard at all! I'll keep coming on here and just hope that by reading other peoples success stories that I'll be able change my frame of mind!

Posted on:
Fri, 23/03/2018 - 20:42

Cookie12

Joined:
2018-02-19

sorry that you have hit alow.sounds like you are giving yourself a bad time.accept the loss and start again.live from now and for now.its past and you can't change it but you can change tomorrow.take one day at a time. hope you feel better this week

Posted on:
Fri, 23/03/2018 - 21:25

The fun has stopped

Joined:
2017-11-03

Thanks cookie, I'm just feeling abit deppressed about the whole situation at the minute, reading my old diary seeing how determined I was then and how happy I was and knowing I ruined it all, I feel beaten at the moment but it will hopefully pass! Reading other peoples stories helps.

Posted on:
Sat, 24/03/2018 - 10:03

The fun has stopped

Joined:
2017-11-03

Day 1 gf, no real plans of what I'm going to do different yet, but today I will not gamble!

Posted on:
Sat, 24/03/2018 - 11:14

PositiveAction

Joined:
Before 2009

Deleted

Posted on:
Sun, 25/03/2018 - 10:16

The fun has stopped

Joined:
2017-11-03

Thanks for your reply, your right it's exactly what I need to do!
Day 2 now and finally taking some first steps, self excluded from my bingo accounts, cancelled my bank card and when my new one arrives my husband is going to scratch off the 3 digits in the back so I'll never be able to use it online, I've been reading lots on here and also reading up about how to rewire the pathways to the brain (interesting read) feeling abit more positive about it all now, confident that I will not gamble today!

Posted on:
Sun, 25/03/2018 - 12:16

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Glad you are feeling more positive. It's a horrible, horrible feeling being in your position.
The good news is 'it can be done!!'
You can take that cloak of despair from around your shoulders, grab that dark heavy cloud that permanently sits above your head and throw them to timbuktu - never to return!!!
Take action, take control - get those blocks in place. There's no shame, no remorse, you're not the only one who's fallen into this trap and there are times in everybody's life when we need a helping hand. Take the help and walk proud, you are now back in control. You don't need all that brain washing [email protected] that robs you of every penny, you have a new life to live, one where you dictate what is going to happen. Goodbye misery, hello happiness!! x

Posted on:
Sun, 25/03/2018 - 12:25

sjw

Joined:
2017-10-27

Hello TFHS,

Deep down you know you can do this. Its just about finding that drive within yourself to put everything into place to make it happen. You've done well before and racked up a good number of GF days. You know it'll get better the longer you stay away. Don't forget recovery is more than just not gambling but that can be delt with along the way. Right now its about breaking that cycle again.

All the best.

Posted on:
Sun, 25/03/2018 - 15:32

The fun has stopped

Joined:
2017-11-03

Thanks little miss and sjw, no more self pity for me now, just onwards and upwards! Luckily I'm not even thinking of the loss or wanting to chase it, the thing that upset me more was the loss of control I was more disappointed in myself then anything else, but another lesson I will learn from.

Posted on:
Mon, 26/03/2018 - 11:32

The fun has stopped

Joined:
2017-11-03

Day 3, been thinking of gambling alot but not wanting to, just thinking about how I've become a cg, and how I'm going to break this cycle for good this time. I've realised after reading so many stories that even though there different amounts of money lost, different ways of gambling and over different lengths of time, we all go through the exact same stages (I think anyway, correct me if I'm wrong)
1. Playing for fun, low stakes not very often, if we lose it doesn't matter but when we get a win it's amazing, treat ourselves an our families. It's like getting money for nothing, seems so easy!
2. Because it's so easy and fun we start doing it more often and up the stakes, get a little greedy wanting bigger wins. We start to loose a little more and cash out less when we do win, but we then start to justify it by thinking well it's only money I won so no big loss. Not really noticing that were no longer gaining from it at all.
3. It's now a big part of your life consuming alot of time, thiughts, energy and money. We start spending money we can't afford to lose and chasing it because we really need it back, feeling really low after big loses. But we're sure that were due to win soon, so caught up in it we keep going at any cost.
4. Then we realise we have a problem, that once we start we can't control ourselves because even when we did win we kept going till we lost it, we feel shame and guilt, and decide we're going to stop.
5. We try for awhile but that feeling soon passes so we make a decision to rather then stop just try and go back to stage 1, when it was fun low stakes and we kept our winnings!
6. It's not long till we're back at stage 3, and after loosing alot more money we soon discover it doesn't work like that for us anymore, we've past the point of no return, we either get help to stop completely or we spend the rest of our lives in this vicous circle.

Stopping for good is going to be hard but I'm gonna do whatever it takes this time! No going back.

Posted on:
Tue, 27/03/2018 - 08:58

The fun has stopped

Joined:
2017-11-03

Day 4 still very early days but going really well, feeling positive. trying a different approach this time, instead of distracting myself from the thought of gambling im trying to tackle it head on, thinking about why i do it, learning as much as i can then talking about it. I will not gamble today!

Posted on:
Tue, 27/03/2018 - 21:50

PositiveAction

Joined:
Before 2009

Deleted

Posted on:
Wed, 28/03/2018 - 10:23

The fun has stopped

Joined:
2017-11-03

Thanks for your reply, yes I know what you mean about moving stages faster after a relapse, I don't think you ever Really go back to 1 once your a cg no matter how hard you try.
And feel free to ramble on my diary as much as you like, I'm always interested in other peoples thoughts and opinions.
day 5 now but feels much longer, no urges at all, feeling happy and confident that today I will not gamble!

Posted on:
Thu, 29/03/2018 - 10:48

The fun has stopped

Joined:
2017-11-03

Day 6, payday! A decent wage this month with it being a 5 week and alot of over time, the plan was to buy a car today, id be skint for the rest of the month but I'm use to that anyway, at least it would be for a good reason for once! But the car I was ment to get failed it's mot, so that plans out the window. Instead I'm going to pay all my bills then empty my bank and give it all to my mam to keep hold of untill I find another. I was disapionted and usually that would lead to urges to gamble, but not today, I'm not worried at all, confident that I will not gamble a penny of this month's hard earned wage!

Posted on:
Fri, 30/03/2018 - 21:05

The fun has stopped

Joined:
2017-11-03

Day 7 another good day, been at work but was a nice shift. Then back home switched off my phone for a few hours an spent time making Easter cards with my daughter then watched a film together. No thoughts of gambling except from a dream I had last night, not the first time I've dreamt of gambling but the others were all of me winning, this time was very different 'I went into a place to get food but when I got inside it was full of slots machines it was actually more of a nightmare, I was panicking and trying to find a way out, I didn't want to be anywhere near them'. Got me thinking that even my subconscious is fighting back, I know it was only a dream but it's made me feel even more positive that this will be my final diary, no more relapses from now on.

Posted on:
Sat, 31/03/2018 - 21:26

The fun has stopped

Joined:
2017-11-03

Day 8 gf, got a car today so that's my whole wage gone already but I'm actually pleased as it takes away any temptation. It's not unusual for me to have no money left so soon after pay day, but it's the first time it's all gone on something good. Once again another day passes with no urges at all. In a very good place right now, really hope it lasts!

Posted on:
Sun, 01/04/2018 - 08:37

Annie2016

Joined:
2016-05-01

Hi, I've just read all your entries and really identify with everything you have written  - well done on achieving so many days gamble free. I have been a cg for 5 years now - stopped for 160 days til last oct I just keep giving up for 12 days or so then relapsing  - I haven't got the money to bet as I did in the past but it's frustrating that relapse has become a habit - I take inspiration from reading your posts - feels like I'm not so alone in this journey. Take care and keep going. X

 

Posted on:
Sun, 01/04/2018 - 20:18

The fun has stopped

Joined:
2017-11-03

Thanks Annie, your deffinatly not alone in this! Hope we can both stop with these relapses, although I think this last ones actually helped me in strange way, made me hate gambling even more and now I just want to try harder then ever to stop for good.
Day 9 gf still no urges but my nerves and anxiety have been quite bad again today, starting back on kalms and switching to camomile tea, Seemed to help last time. It's awfull feeling on edge, restless, over thinking and worrying over anything.

Posted on:
Sun, 01/04/2018 - 22:07

samorgo

Joined:
2013-02-01

Hi TFHS, Reading your diary feels like looking in the mirror. My most recent relapse was probably my smallest loss yet I feel the worst I ever have because I am disappointed in myself. It really does feel different this time and I hope it'll be the last time I will feel like this. I am learning to fill my time with productive tasks and trying to make my life better (without concentrating on money). I hope your emotions settle and that you feel better soon - be proud in what you have already achieved.  

Good luck on your journey and I hope that we can walk the long path together.  

Posted on:
Mon, 02/04/2018 - 09:37

The fun has stopped

Joined:
2017-11-03

Thanks samorgo, I know what you mean about not concentrating on money, I find most thoughts of money leads to urges, if you feel you don't have enough you think you need to try an win some more, if your ok and have some spare cash you think aww well I don't need it, might aswell use to to gamble! We need to learn how to enjoy that spare money, treat ourselves to something we'd usually say we can't afford!
Day 10, back to double figures! Feeling a little more relaxed today, think it's no suprise my emotions are so all over the place, I'm sure spending so many hours staring at wheels spinning and going back and forth from excited to nervous then devastated must do some damage to your brain! My mental health has suffered alot but I'm now working on getting it better.

Posted on:
Wed, 04/04/2018 - 21:52

The fun has stopped

Joined:
2017-11-03

Day12 gf, still doing well, keeping busy, been out today for a nice walk to the pond with my daughter catching frogs in the pouring down rain! Not my usual idea of fun but it beats another day stuck in the house watching cartoons! No thoughts of gambling anyway, my life's feeling alot more normal these past couple of weeks.

Posted on:
Fri, 06/04/2018 - 20:02

The fun has stopped

Joined:
2017-11-03

Day 14 doing well, keeping busy. Did have to pass by the place I usually gamble in today, luckily I wasn't alone as I got a massive urge to go in, not sure if I would have been able to resist if I was by myself. I'll just make sure in future I avoid going that way unless I'm with someone.

Posted on:
Sun, 08/04/2018 - 18:39

The fun has stopped

Joined:
2017-11-03

Day 16, not a great day, been feeling stressed an a bit miserable. Really wanted to gamble earlier, started asking myself if I actually needed to stop gambling, thinking it's not all bad, sometimes it's fun, sometimes I win. Took ages to get these stupid thoughts out of my head, came on here to remind myself that yes it is very bad and I can never win! Frustrating when this happens, almost like I have a split personality, one side that hates gambling and never wants to do it again and another that wants to keep doing it and doesn't care about the devastating consequences! I'm just glad I'm not having these thoughts often anymore because they really bring me down!

Posted on:
Mon, 09/04/2018 - 18:50

The fun has stopped

Joined:
2017-11-03

Day 17 still felt low this morning, standing in the que at the shop looking at the scratch cards thinking which ones I wanted to buy, but never give in. Instead I took my daughter out to the park then visited a friend. So after the walk, fresh air and a good laugh with a friend I'm now feeling great, urges have long past and I'm feeling relaxed.

Posted on:
Fri, 13/04/2018 - 21:26

The fun has stopped

Joined:
2017-11-03

Day 21, had a busy few days, been getting out alot walking and been swimming, spending time with family and friends, even been doing some baking! Not thought much about gambling or money, been feeling happy and relaxed. Wish i could always feel this happy and worry free!

Posted on:
Sun, 15/04/2018 - 19:35

The fun has stopped

Joined:
2017-11-03

Day 23, was a bit stressed yesterday, found I had a few faults on my car that need fixing so started worrying about money again and thinking about gambling, but instead I decided to do a car boot sale, packed up a load of old clutter got up nice and early and actually enjoyed making money and getting rid of clutter at the same time. Didn't make alot but enough to cover what I need doing, so back to feeling happy knowing I can drop the car off at garage when I finish work tomorrow without getting another loan! Finally finding ways to solve my financial problems instead of adding to them.

Posted on:
Sat, 21/04/2018 - 20:49

The fun has stopped

Joined:
2017-11-03

Day 29 still gf and doing well mostly but still keep having moments were I really want to gamble, luckily they don't last long but leave me feeling quite low. Feeling really down tonight, was thinking of looking to see if I could find any new sites im not banned from but came on here instead. Going to get an early night, got an early start at work in morning, sure I'll be fine by tomorrow!

Posted on:
Sun, 22/04/2018 - 01:14

Sektor93

Joined:
2018-04-22

Glad you're doing well, keep it up :) Just remember that feeling of misery when you're wondering why can't it just go right one time as whatever amount of money is now out the window.

I hope I don't keep letting it steer my life...

Posted on:
Sun, 22/04/2018 - 21:08

The fun has stopped

Joined:
2017-11-03

Thanks for your reply. I'm feeling a bit better today. Just thinking that since stopping gambling I've tried to fill my time with more important things, that are less destructive, but it does leave a void that nothing else can really fill, them highs and lows and every other feeling inbetween, not that I really want them feelings back just wish I could find something else to feel excited about. Maybe it's just normal and once my brain gets back to normal I'll stop craving some sort of excitement, and be content with normal happiness.

Posted on:
Sat, 23/06/2018 - 18:38

The fun has stopped

Joined:
2017-11-03

Day 92, the last 3 months have been going great, hardly thought about gambling at all. I've been enjoying my life spending free time with family and friends had spare money for days out and even booked to a holiday to Disney land and have been saving as much as I could for spending money. Today while my daughter was at ballet I quickly nipped into town to get her some new shoes and when passing the bingo hall all of them old feelings came rushing back, 'i havnt really got that much saved, mybe I could just try and win a little bit extra' before I knew it I was late picking her up with no shoes that id promised her and an almost empty bank account (only reason it wasn't completely emty because I didn't have time) the whole day I've been fighting the urge to go back, I'm once again close to tears, we go next Sunday and I don't know what am going to do, another loan I suppose. I wish od kept my guard up and stayed on here, I was planning coming back on when id got over 100 days to give myself some praise for doing well but guess that won't be happening now! Feel absolutely sick, don't think I've got it in me to stop doing this, how is it possible to never learn!

Posted on:
Sun, 24/06/2018 - 11:18

Forum admin

Joined:
2010-11-01

Hello The fun has stopped,

Well done for talking about the lapse. 

One way to bolster your recovery now, might be to reflect on the lapse with a view to identify what blocks could reduce the risk of a further lapses, so for example would it help to self-exclude from the bingo hall, or to reduce your access to money by allowing your husband to look after your finances for a while. 

As well as using the forum, if you like you could also consider what additional support might suit you, for example some of our forum members attend GA meetings regularly as a way to take care of their recovery, and some use GamCare's local or online therapy appointment services.

Please feel welcome to call us on 0808 8020 133 if you'd like additional information or support.

Take care,

Forum admin.

Posted on:
Sun, 24/06/2018 - 16:46

The fun has stopped

Joined:
2017-11-03

Thanks, I thought about excluding from the bingo hall but when I went in yesterday I was there almost an hour and No one who worked there even noticed me, it's a big place. I was just thinking of leaving all savings from now on with my mam, avoiding town as much as possible when I'm alone and if I have to only taking the exact money I'll need. It's really hard, I felt like giving up yesterday and just excepting that I will never be able to stop, but I'll keep trying because I can't bare the feeling after losing control like that, not to mention the money, it's heart breaking.