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Posted on:
Thu, 08/02/2018 - 09:50

Smashed

Joined:
2017-08-13

Thanks for the comments, reading the diaries I see a good few people are struggling with the addiction at the moment. Q: Why is that ? A: Because it is very very very hard to stop. Q: Why dont you just stop, simple ? A: If only it was that easy. Q: Why Not ? A: I have been gambling for as long as I can remember, 1p fruit machines at Chessington Zoo around 40 years ago, going horse racing with your parents, standing outside the betting shop waiting for your Dad, longing for the day one day when you was allowed to go in there. the blacked out shops where cigarette smoke would waft out the door every time someone would go in or out, if Dad won he would maybe give me 10p for some football stickers, fingers crossed. Luckily for my Dad bookies opened at around 10-11am and closed around 4pm so was never open that long, but was he addicted, damn right, I only ever took in when he won or when he and my Mum would watch the few televised races on a Saturday, so growing up with your 50p on Red Rum in the National and getting a £5 note, wow horse racing was cool, free money equals lots of Argentina 78 stickers. Thats why I really had to go in deep after my last relapse, I know that from a young age that I was going to like gambling. Onto secondary school a trip from Balham to Clapham Junction, passing Tony’s Cafe with the Eachway Nudger machine should I leave early for school and risk my 50p lunch money or wait till I get to Clapham Junction and go on the machines in the platform Cafes, suffice  to say most days at school I never had Lunch. First ever Saturday job was £7 a day close to home and on the way home from working all day would be to pop into the Chinese Takeaway that had a fruit machine and most times my seven £1 notes vanished as they would happily change my notes for 10p coins. Then leaving school an apprentice Electrician, but that was YTS and only £37 a week, I needed a better job, I needed gambling money for the fruit machines in the Pubs, £1 after £1 chasing £4.80 in tokens not even real money. So I done jobs where I was getting more, I was already at 17 addicted to fruit machines. Then betting shops, Lucky 15’s every Saturday with other bets, I had some bad losses in my 20’s and 30’s always kept it hidden my secret but was doing good own business and keeping busy, always going on the machines in Pubs, Horse Racing, Dogs whatever really. Married at 34, beautiful daughter, still gambled but not much, getting married and building a home had calmed me down, enjoying a day at the races for what it was not hungry for a big payday. So November 2014 and a divorce and all the mess, won’t go into all that but this was my downfall as I was let off the lead now addiction who had been kept contained was loose, I had no debts and around £23k in the bank, I bought stuff went on Holidays but its money I never before really had access too such sums, some nights would lose a grand win two, lose 400, win 700, but thats the cycle up and down but it was more or less every day or night, any alone time available, the pot is dwindling down and by the Summer of 2015, I find myself applying for a 3k loan(I just stopped and shook my head there, am I really writing this down) on and onto Summer of 2016 a £7,500 loan, and then in November of 2016 moving to London another loan £25,000(Mad !!!!!! and Why) 2 credit cards and some strange belief I can win big money, the same dreams of a boy putting 1p to win the 20p Jackpot. Worse thing was this is when the addiction had me I was betting big like the folks I was obsessed with watching on YouTube, if I could emulate some of there videos I could stop and get out, but I was addicted to gambling, the highs and the oh no one away senarios and guess what it had dwindled away, another £25,000 added to a mortgage and now I am so deep in the mire and daily I would hope for a miracle, the magic spin, the run of amazing luck, until August when the road ran out and I came to Gamcare, if I never would I have taken the easy way out, maybe I was definitely low enough, whats the point was always my first thought when my eyes would open. So whats happened since then, a lot of reading, a lot of searching, has gambling gone away? No chance it does not just go away I wish it would, like most compulsive gamblers it haunts you it is continually present and it knows when to haunt you, like it did in December when I was not strong enough to resist and it quickly took money from me and like I said in that post I was saying “No, No” as I was depositing. Stopping gambling is very very difficult as you are lost in the world of money for nothing, you’ve had it the win, the big win and the mega win, and you want it again and again, like a drunk wants alcohol or a drug addict wants drugs. At times it seems like there is no way to turn there are dead ends everywhere and its difficult to keep going but we have to. Gambling ruins lives daily and people are taking their own lives as it has finally beaten them, a lot of folks here were close to just that, I’ve even had that thought. I got to 128 days GF before I acted on its callings and am now into 52 days of the second half and I want to end the game beating gambling, every single day is hard as you can get no warning and before you know it your gambling. Get away from it don’t think about it don’t watch it for fun, distance yourself from it or anyone else partaking in it, damn I never meant to write all this, it was just a check in. Damn. Day 52.

Posted on:
Thu, 08/02/2018 - 17:59

Stephen The Strong

Joined:
2017-05-10

Thank you for sharing that Smashed. Such a sad story which illustrates the insidious nature of gambling addiction.

Hard hitting facts, emotional turmoil and crazy delusions. You have portrayed compulsive gambling in a way most of us can relate to. Take care...stephen 

Posted on:
Tue, 13/02/2018 - 12:20

Sharon41

Joined:
2017-03-16

Hi Smashed thanks for posting such an honest account of what you've been through, lots of familiar threads and feelings. Your acknowledgement of your addiction is key and the turning point of wanting to change. I spent so long just thinking 'this is ok' but I was just in denial and then hit the brick wall of 'everything is s***, I'm a failure etc' So true that everyday is hard, some days are bright others are dark but we can ride this out with the one rule of staying GF. Take care my friend Sx 

Posted on:
Mon, 19/02/2018 - 19:51

Smashed

Joined:
2017-08-13

Thanks for your comments, I am still striving, no gambling and keeping busy to quell any gambling thoughts and have past sixty days, difficult but going back there always is the same outcome so no point, aware of it's moves and keeping vigilent to stay GF.
 

Posted on:
Thu, 22/02/2018 - 12:32

Smashed

Joined:
2017-08-13

Gambling addiction really is a nasty piece of work, like I've said before it won't just go away. It plays with your thoughts constantly trying to trip you up, makes you totally disregard monetary value and will convince your mind that your next deposit will be the one. It won't because win lose or draw you will keep going and will not let you win as you will keep going trapped in the cycle, struggling today as it's haunting me majorly and it's taking all my mind power to resist the lures it's pushing to my thoughts, sixty six days into chapter two and today more than the previous sixty five it is on a full on assault to make me step over the line. Gambling you are not nice and I can and will not let you pull me back. :-(

Posted on:
Thu, 22/02/2018 - 13:00

Took a wrong turn

Joined:
2012-02-22

Thanks for posting on my diary and sorry to read you are having troubles with your gambling urges and thoughts. I have for so many years also suffered like many and have buckled to those thoughts and urges. All we can do is just keep trying to repel them. For me I am determined to never gamble again but a life time of no relapses is very daunting. Well done on being strong and for not allowing gambling to pull you back in.

Wilsy

Posted on:
Sun, 25/02/2018 - 22:13

Smashed

Joined:
2017-08-13

I am finding gambling a lot more difficult to remove from my thoughts this second time around, whereas first time around my main focus was just totally despising all its mean and sneaky tricks to basically rob us. But after that relapse it seems like a troll is trapped in my mind like it’s whispering in my ear telling me that I've failed for another time. Waiting for me to fail again and getting angry as i resist it’s orders to deposit. This happens when I think about all the wasted money and I am not focusing on my business aspirations and listening to those old thoughts of wins and bonus rounds and scatters and free spins and lucky numbers and blah blah. Not moaning just thought I would write it down. Gambling for me does not bring me anything but misery, I am on the ODAAT strategy and not looking back, it’s difficult but it does not want me to get away.

Posted on:
Sun, 25/02/2018 - 23:14

Smashed

Joined:
2017-08-13

Was reading up on Gamban and saw a few users recommend it so went for it on the computer and the phone and so far so good, a £10 a year licence is good value for putting a few temptation barriers around the internet, and if your a student or studying you can get it for free, or promo code ‘gamban1’ offers a one month as a trial before you need to pay. Good, feels like I just booted that troll before bed. :-)

Posted on:
Sun, 25/02/2018 - 23:28

Stephen The Strong

Joined:
2017-05-10

Hello Smashed. So sorry to read of your ongoing struggle with the addiction. It is difficult at the best of times but when our minds are constantly pestered by thoughts of gambling than it can seem intolerable. 

I sincerely hope you can keep going forward. In time the urges should lessen as you get stronger.

Wishing you well over the coming week...stephen 

Posted on:
Mon, 05/03/2018 - 07:36

Smashed

Joined:
2017-08-13

Another week passes and has been a lot better as far as urges go, iv'e seen a lot of posts saying it's more than willpower and even something as simple as a blocker has made a big difference. Any kind of barrier to prevent you is definately worth it, as a gambling mind works independantly to the rational mindset and can come for you at any time, an email, any small trigger and the gambling mind can take over and once your in the control of it the devestation be it £10 or thousands it still had you it still overided all your non gambling thoughts and laughed as you pressed start, spin, deal or place bet or whatever. 77 days. Phew. Keep going. Keep your distance. Dont Gamble.

Posted on:
Tue, 06/03/2018 - 11:57

Smashed

Joined:
2017-08-13

Gambling does not like you blocking all of its paths, although I put a blocker on the computer in the back of my mind I knew I had bootcamp and could just boot up to Windows and I would be off, so gambling is like a tree even of you fully chop itdown the roots still remain to quickly reform, when I woke up this morning I deleted that partition and cut another major route back in, and after all its done to me it still won't leave me and wants me back, gambling addiction is messed up its hard to beat, keep on keeping on.

Posted on:
Tue, 06/03/2018 - 14:36

Took a wrong turn

Joined:
2012-02-22

78 Days today is it, cracking work my friend, really impressive, keep it going!

Wilsy

Posted on:
Tue, 06/03/2018 - 14:56

46 and out

Joined:
2017-08-08

Hi Smashed

It's great to see you are doing well and now 78 days gamble free.  Just checking in to say hello.

Take care

46 and Out

Posted on:
Tue, 06/03/2018 - 20:49

Sharon41

Joined:
2017-03-16

Hi Smashed thanks for posting and congrats on 78 dsy! I find your did thought provoking and compassionate to others, so thank you J don't think about gambling much these days which is the opposite to when I started when I woke up thinking about it and likewise going to sleep. Makes me sad when I think of how much brain space I wasted, oh and money. But I know now the only direction is forward. Take care Sx

Posted on:
Wed, 07/03/2018 - 13:43

Smashed

Joined:
2017-08-13

Heard a quote today about gambling which I liked.

Unfortunately once your hooked. The more you win the more you play. The more you lose the more you play.

The vicious cycle of if you've lost the ability to know when to stop, then you have become addicted to Gambling, and facing up to an addiction is very difficult.

Posted on:
Thu, 08/03/2018 - 21:00

Stephen The Strong

Joined:
2017-05-10

Hello Smashed and big congratulations on 80 days gamble free. Great progress and a good attitude.

Thank you for posting on my diary. I agree completely with your sentiments  "This time we'll get it right." 

100 Days to the World Cup and by than we will be well established members of the century club.

Take care and keep going forward...stephen 

 

Posted on:
Thu, 15/03/2018 - 10:03

Smashed

Joined:
2017-08-13

A busy week with no thoughts of wanting to gamble, gamban is doing its job and it looks like Gamstop is not far from launch so will be good to get that blanket online barrier up and will sign up on launch day. I remember this time of year all being about Cheltenham races and following horses and form and today could not care less, although horses was never really the the problem that roulette and slots turned into its still avenues back to misery Street. Keeping positive not trying to dwell on what if's and things are definitely moving forward, not as quickly as I want but are definitely moving. Just gotta keep my eyes and mind open and know how gambling works.

Posted on:
Fri, 23/03/2018 - 10:14

Smashed

Joined:
2017-08-13

Had a look back to when I was last at 95 days, 16/11/17. And thought I had a good understanding of how the gambling mind works, but maybe all I knew was the tip of the iceberg as during the second half after the relapse it reveals itself more and more like the Crimson King attacking daily as I resist urges to gamble, our past internet actions haunt us as we get emails and ads and recommendations daily to make us just step over the line again, googling how to remove gambling ads from social media with no answers supplied by any of the big companies our internet actions of the past follow us around as the compulsive gambler is the ultimate prize as even if they win they will just keep pressing like lab rats. Apart from the gambling mind daily attacks( I know totally understand what ODAAT is all about) life is good everything is ticking along well apart from the financial kicking from last year but I am dealing with it, no choice really. The creative mind is working well and I can see a future of breaking the regular working for a corporate company mindset and leaving behind some nice works, even will make a film about addiction one day, especially compulsive gambling as it really is a beast of an addiction to fight.

Posted on:
Fri, 23/03/2018 - 10:32

Sharon41

Joined:
2017-03-16

Hi Smashed thanks for posting, as you say so much more than financial loses....time, brainspace whilst gambling not to mention the aftermath which feels like it will never end sometimes!!! Sorry that got a bit self pitting there!! But here is to the future where there is no gambling only progress and hope! Sounds like you have some creative and prosperous plans in the pipeline, ho for it! Thanks for your ongoing encouragement and support Sx

Posted on:
Wed, 28/03/2018 - 14:21

Smashed

Joined:
2017-08-13

Day 100. Been here before got the T Shirt. Gambling lurks in my mind it hates me for the resistance, I hate it full stop, we loathe each other it has no mercy on me and knows about my lifestyle my thoughts and hacks my positive thought processes and looks for cracks daily. In a way to beat this addiction you have to hate it, I remember the day with the smashed laptop on the floor the head in the hands. To beat this you have to not give in to the urges and realise when there coming and they will usually break in unaware, a quick 5 minute watch of a YouTube streamer, or an email enticement, seeing an article of someone winning big. But winning is saying "I don't gamble anymore". The second half reaches one hundred days, I could of hit 250 if I never fell off the path. I hope changemylife is doing good, staying gamble free and following his dreams. Have a good day everyone.

Posted on:
Wed, 28/03/2018 - 16:16

Sharon41

Joined:
2017-03-16

Hi Smashed,  great to see you at 100 days! Like you if I feel tempted I think back to how I felt when it seemed everything was hopeless. Definitely don't want to go back there. Enjoy your second century GF Sx

Posted on:
Wed, 28/03/2018 - 16:57

Muststop123

Joined:
2017-10-03

Hi Smashed

Well done on the 100 days. Totally agree "But winning is saying "I don't gamble anymore"."  It is something to say with pride.

Keep it up

Posted on:
Wed, 28/03/2018 - 20:40

RSmith39

Joined:
2017-12-24

Well done on the 100 days, great achievement. Just behind you and know it isn’t that easy, so should be proud of your achievement. Keep cracking on. Rich

Posted on:
Wed, 28/03/2018 - 23:54

Stephen The Strong

Joined:
2017-05-10

Hello Smashed. Congratulations on 100 days GF... stephen 

Posted on:
Thu, 05/04/2018 - 15:03

Smashed

Joined:
2017-08-13

Thanks for all the replies. Another week passes by and have to focus on attacking debt mountain, as the beginning of the month is still annoying seeing those payments leaving the account for what was for the majority a week of pure addicted gambling madness. And even when you look at it online, there is still a part of your mind that will convince you that you can win it all back, and will even play out the escape plan in your mind for you too follow. A few more weeks and I will be back to where I was as far as day counts go and Christmas will be the year.

Posted on:
Sat, 07/04/2018 - 14:05

Smashed

Joined:
2017-08-13

110 Days. I changed the name of the thread to Don't Turn Around, as I dont want to listen to what gambling has to say, as over the years it has deeply imbedded itself into my thoughts, I hear its calling often and know so much more about it, when and how it puts its foot in the ajar door, have to stay seriously focused to keep it at bay but thats what I'm doing every day and will not ever let it in again ever.
 

Posted on:
Sat, 07/04/2018 - 20:45

Sharon41

Joined:
2017-03-16

Great title and well done on racking up those days. Yes the debt is a constant reminder although over time I've let them play less on mind, not being dismissive just know I'm doing all I can to pay them off. Hope you're having a good weekend take care S x 

Posted on:
Sat, 14/04/2018 - 07:38

Smashed

Joined:
2017-08-13

Grand National day a day in the past where I would know the horses and try and work out the puzzle of the race and bet on the horses, knowing that it was a stupid race for a punt. This year will be the first day since the Red Rum days that I will not gamble on the race, and being honest I'm glad, it's another step to rid this gambling parasite from my system, I know what it will do today and I am ready to bat away it's advances especially today. Day 117.

Posted on:
Sun, 22/04/2018 - 10:04

Smashed

Joined:
2017-08-13

Another week passes by, some of the stories have been hard to read, could relate to a lot of them as its not easy to stop. I could be just sitting on the sofa and then get really really strong urges to deposit, like a horrible feeling a sick type feeling and a simple £20 deposit will cure it, its really hard to explain, the gambling demon works out a way to shutdown all the good fuses and force you to do something you really dont want to do, it does. I have worked out a lot of triggers ie the free spins emails, and free money and block email adresses so I dont get them much now, but the random out of the blue gamble do it, do it now I dont get where that comes from and know it can strike randomly at any time. But I am at 125 days after around about the same time as the last relapse so am being vigilent. Apart from that everything else is going well, its pigeon steps but still steps none the less, I hope the gamstop gets released soon as that will be good to get my name on that internet blanket ban.

Posted on:
Sun, 22/04/2018 - 13:14

46 and out

Joined:
2017-08-08

Hi Smashed

Great to hear you are doing so well. Congrats on your 125 days. Like you said previously we started our journeys around the same time and but for that one small relapse we would be on a very similar day count.

By the sound of things that one off relapse could turn out to be a real positive in terms of what you have learnt from it and how positively you have reacted to it.

Well done mate, I am proud of you, keep up the great work.

46 and Out

Posted on:
Thu, 26/04/2018 - 08:58

Took a wrong turn

Joined:
2012-02-22

Hi Smashed thanks for your post of support and well done on your gamble free days, it really is an achievement to go so long without a bet and I really do hope you continue to beat this.

Wilsy

Posted on:
Sat, 28/04/2018 - 22:59

Stephen The Strong

Joined:
2017-05-10

Thank you for posting on my diary smashed.

It is great to see you so positive and forging ahead with your recovery. You have a lot of courage.

There are some really sad stories on the diaries so it's heartwarming when friends like yourself are winning their battles. Take care...stephen 

Posted on:
Mon, 30/04/2018 - 08:18

Smashed

Joined:
2017-08-13

Thanks everyone, yesterday felt like stamping on gamblings fingers as it reached out to you to pull it back up, or throwing water on the wicked witch, signing up to Gamstop felt like my main vice online gambling was cut the root was eradicated, my address, my email my phone number blocked from gambling online, feels like such a massive weight lifted, I know addiction will try again but it feels good to have blocked that major motorway. Anyone who has had a problem online gambling simply has to sign up, no excuses, that is if they really want to stop, finally although small the resistance is fighting back we've waited and waited and it feels good to have it.

Posted on:
Thu, 03/05/2018 - 11:35

Smashed

Joined:
2017-08-13

Day 136. As an experiment I tried to log into old accounts and open new ones and it felt like the biggest win ever to see Account Blocked, and failure to register, proof that Gamstop is working, my massive losses all came online and yes I still have to pay them back but I can get there and it feels really good, I know gambling might try its hand elsewhere, and will be ready as it feels like a massive victory and will have my head up striving towards Christmas and the one year gamble free. I know debt free is a long way off but however small I can see just a small ray of light ahead. No one on here who has ever had a problem with online gambling and really wants to stop must sign up to Gamstop,ie Rule number ONE.

Posted on:
Fri, 04/05/2018 - 17:25

Smashed

Joined:
2017-08-13

Login error - Account suspended. If you registered with a national online self exclusion scheme please find FAQs. It's a beautiful thing Access Denied. :-)

Posted on:
Mon, 14/05/2018 - 17:37

Smashed

Joined:
2017-08-13

Day 147. Things move in the right directiion when your thoughts of gambling diminish, thanks to Gamstop I cant even if I have strong urges log in anywhere online. I started my stopping journey last August and with a relapse at Xmas and gone through some mad journeys since then fighting the Gambling Mind. I started in August 2017 after a mad binge of drink and crazy high stakes gambling culmintating in me throwing my laptop against a wall and stamping on it, hence where the name smashed came from, to today getting myself a new laptop to work and use it free from online casinos, I still have a long way to be debt free, I never want to ever travel down those paths again, good to see people turning thier back on what is an evil addiction that will totally ruin you in so many ways. Thanks for all the support over the last nine months.

Posted on:
Tue, 29/05/2018 - 23:47

Smashed

Joined:
2017-08-13

Day 162. Feel that I am distancing myself further away from urges, my mind realises I cant gamble online due to gamblock and even if I totally reinvented myself I still have gamban as further block, anyone who truly needs and wants to stop should have these in place as any excuse to not having them is shooting yourself in the foot, leaving the door ajar. Dealing with debt is not nice but you have to face it, I still have years to go but do everything you can to get APR down hopefully to 0% when I was talking to them I was pacing up a down dry throat like I was a criminal, a debt criminal, even 18.9% is mad interest on a 3k debt. When i get to the other side of this mess I never want to be in debt again the feelings of low self esteem and worthlessness over money which I gambled chasing something I thought I knew how to play but was just another fool who joined the assembley line. 

Posted on:
Fri, 29/06/2018 - 13:40

Smashed

Joined:
2017-08-13

Have not posted for a month, not had much to say, still fighting the gambling demons as they hate being blocked from online actions, and try and convince me to find other routes, “Whats a tenner on the football or a horse etc” go in that bookies and do it its only a tenner. But am ignoring them and only 7 days to 200 days away from it. Its difficult fighting the mind it’s so powerful and like chess you always have to play the right move, look before you leap etc, and finding that balance is always the tricky decision, and being comfortable in your own skin is hard to find.

Posted on:
Fri, 29/06/2018 - 15:33

bluescreen

Joined:
2018-03-13

I also still have the occassional conversation with those little demons. These days, most of the time it's quite one-sided. Like a toddler throwing a fit in a candy shop. Unfortunaltely every now and then I make the mistake of listening and allowing myself to think about it. Then the struggle of stopping the voice from trying to lure me in begins. Some people never learn.

So yeh, constantly being one step ahead of yourself can be quite exhausting. We always have to stay on our toes.

Nearly 200 days is a big achievement. Keep up the good work and stay away from temptation.

You have come this far and you can be really proud of that. The only way is forward. Day by day. :)

Posted on:
Fri, 29/06/2018 - 22:52

Sharon41

Joined:
2017-03-16

Great to see you speeding towards 200 days!!! Aah the voices 'a tenner won't hurt' except for me a tenner turned into X20 tenners and the rest. I know I can't go there ever agin as I can relive those feelings. Look forward to your 200th day, take care S :) 

Posted on:
Fri, 06/07/2018 - 12:41

Smashed

Joined:
2017-08-13

There it is 200 days and the whole of 2018 gamble free, not easy but well worth it, a year ago i was plagued by gambling, totally lost and infested by it believing that the next massive win was mine, this is a better summer. Making plans and trying every day to find the way. Thank you to everyone on Gamcare who has given me the inspiration to keep going.

Posted on:
Fri, 06/07/2018 - 15:09

sjw

Joined:
2017-10-27

Nice one smashed. A good milsetone and a GF calendar year to date, all very positive. Glad you are feeling better about things. Have a good weekend!

All the best.

Posted on:
Sat, 07/07/2018 - 07:51

46 and out

Joined:
2017-08-08

Congratulations on your 200 days gamble free mate. You must be feeling much better about yourself and your life and you really do deserve that. You should be very proud of yourself. Keep up the great work and let's both stay gamble free.

46 and Out

Posted on:
Sat, 07/07/2018 - 19:40

Sharon41

Joined:
2017-03-16

Whoop! ! So good to see 200 days, look forward to your positive posts, happy weekend my friend S x 

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