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Don't suffer in silence

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#1 Posted on:
Wed, 01/11/2017 - 12:42

S B

Joined:
2017-11-01

So..
Last night it all came back to the surface. Uncontrollable cries, crashing..falling.. asking for help.
I contacted GC and spoke to a lovely lady who...helped me a lot as listened to my feelings. I begged her to take care of my doggie..what a crazy thoughts huh...i asked complete stranger to take in my beloved friend so I can end it all.
I also phoned Samaritans. Twice..both times no response..probably busy...& again, I was calmer by then so maybe good thing that I didn't take up their time.

Gambling gambling gambling. Suffering big time. Can't go to work this week..feel completely broken. I let them grind me down to this state. It's not great place to work to be honest. I started to take strong painkillers daily so I doze out during work hours. So I don't pay attention to ******** and snarky comments/ looks from them..thats how I survive now.

Looked up for a loan today. Figured I want to pay off my 3k credit card quicker..with smaller than 25% APR.

Nothing changes if nothing changes. I have changed but definitely for the worst.

When did it all go this wrong? ...it took me 6 monthe to go from optimistic - looking ahead gal...to this person, drowned in debt, Gambling on the mind daily and not being able to function anymore.

A question I want to ask myself...when do I think Enough is Enough...when I will be able to ask for help and stick to getting myself better?..

Be back later..

Posted on:
Wed, 01/11/2017 - 15:26

S B

Joined:
2017-11-01

I find it strange to find voice again. My dream future if living alone and away from busy mayhem is not actually working out.
It's too quiet and too lonely. Besides, I seem to fail to acknowledge that I need to be taken care of. Which means I need someone by my side to support me on my struggles and mood drops. I have depression for life. I need to learn to live with it and ride the worst dips out.

Doggie helps me..dont get me wrong. I am still putting her first and woofing away daily... (my only communication)... Just yesterday thought if she would keep me company on the streets (that's where I will end up if continue down this path). Dogs don't have much choice do they. I know I would like her by my side..but would she?

I am stressed because she is going vets on Friday. The only £230 I didn't touch and not going to for her wellbeing...i just truly hope there will be no complications during surgery...

I can't believe I let it all progress this far. Only now see addiction for what it is. Nasty..it will not stop taking...it will eat you alive...as long as you let it.

Got a week off now...deep down I know I would love to use it for detoxing. Body and mind. Again, not sure I can do it by myself.

Maybe one of the steps is to contact my sponsor. Maybe it all was meant to be this way and I needed to properly hit the floor to start helping myself again..for me for once..& not others.

Again..do I have energy to reach out?..

Be back later...

Posted on:
Wed, 01/11/2017 - 15:57

Smashed

Joined:
2017-08-13

Hi Pasimetus

I think 95 % of people who really want to stop have that mad car crash into the wall moment, where you have gone down all the credit and loan avenues and gambling has beaten you, but the worst thing you have to realise is it will want you back, it can force you into a reprieve but will now try all the tricks to pretend to you it has answers for your way out of a debt mountain or loneliness or depression or whatever, what harm is another £10 or £20, but fighting the addiction is a daily operation but stay strong and focused and your life will turn around, it doesn't seem like it in the beginning infact it can seem impossible, but stay here, speak to people and you will beat this. Stay Strong.

Posted on:
Wed, 01/11/2017 - 17:24

S B

Joined:
2017-11-01

Thanks smashed. Wise words over here. I know better life is out there.

It's not as much past I'm struggle with.. It's now and here. Feel completely lost (hence the user name) but deep down believe I can do this if I work hard towards it.

So..went on demo games earlier. No idea Why, It just seem to happen. My mind is in overdrive.

I just remembered I have broke work absence policy...ooohhh. the things you do when get lost in the mist...definitely never say never to things.

Don't know what's next. Just sitting here and wondering how I could do this to myself. No one to talk to..

It hurts to live in this deserted island I call my soul.

Be back soon..will aim to talk it all out...Just keep typing, Don't open new accounts...keep talking on here.

Posted on:
Wed, 01/11/2017 - 20:48

S B

Joined:
2017-11-01

Ok, somehow managed to stay safe and no further damage done to finances.

Been a lonely day and so wanted to speak to someone but for me connection is not an easy thing to do.

Time for bed me thinks. Calm read of my book and greeting another day tommorow. Gave doggie a bath even if few protests was present before that lol..
Gonna take my girl for a long walk, let her run her legs off and take all the surroundings in. I guess she won't be active past surgery and I will need to take it easy with her. Maybe a seaside walk would be good too?...been ages since I took her to the shore...i shall keep it in my mind tommorow.

Dear Lord give me strength to see it all thorough. I would like to get better, I just don't know if I'm commited & strong for such change yet. Please..show me the way.

Goodnight.

Posted on:
Thu, 02/11/2017 - 00:10

Amom

Joined:
2014-10-09

So happy(you know what I mean) to see your return to the forum. I know you struggle like crazy but you refuse to give up which is worth a lot.

Lonliness and lack of connection is one of the most painful things to deal with. My son (who has his own place) has been spending 90% of his time at our place as he can't stand so much alone time. Call your sponsor, go to meetings, talk to people face to face, church  or anything to get out of your head.

Cathyx

Posted on:
Thu, 02/11/2017 - 09:38

S B

Joined:
2017-11-01

Good morning lovely,

Thanks for the kind words..yup, other account is blocked (my request) so figured it's easier to "hack" in and create new one until other one gets unblocked...(haven't requested that one yet...but maybe it's for the better)
Not using this as diary, just journaling my thoughts really..

Church! Yes hun..thats what I need. I will definitely make my way there tom after drop lil one off to vets...today is gonna be spent walking and walking and some more walking.

Hope your son doesn't feel as lonely. If I remember rightly he had a girlfriend?

You see..i like my space. Can't win here really. I shall elaborate on this one more deeply next time.

Another day arrived. Gonna take it easy..one step at a time

Be back later

Posted on:
Thu, 02/11/2017 - 12:15

S B

Joined:
2017-11-01

So after 12 and have this massive panic attacks. I think it's the guilt about work...tommorow, next week and facing reality of getting back to the grind.
Last 3 days was just a floaters. Didn't do much except walking...oh...and of course doing the deed online.

Gonna force myself to get up from this slumber, try and cook something, go for more walkies and hopefully call it a day.
In reality would love to spend day in bed..but, the more I sleep the more tired I feel. My 15hrs stint Monday night still makes me more tired than awake.

I like sleep.. I like the world of subconscious.

For now, get up and move around....DO NOT GAMBLE..even no demo's...keep slaying that Dragon within..

Be back later

Posted on:
Thu, 02/11/2017 - 12:28

S B

Joined:
2017-11-01

Today i would like to speak to someone who is struggling and would like to reach out.

Am gonna be online for a while. I'm sure it will help me as much as another soul.

Get in touch..

Posted on:
Thu, 02/11/2017 - 16:17

S B

Joined:
2017-11-01

So just come back from another long walk. Drew curtains closed already...bahh..a little low mood to be honest.

Extremely worried about lil one. ..just taking it very easy, all will be ok.

A lot to talk about in my journal and it all will take time, but I shall try and split it down to separate subjects...emotions, choices, facts ect.

Bank did me a "favour" and increased credit limit by anotjer 2k...gulp...not so sure it's something I need at the moment. Numbers off the card is scratched off but I'm sure that if need arise (urges) I will find a magnifying glass and break the code.

Enough for now... time to spend time with lil paws..

May be back later

Posted on:
Thu, 02/11/2017 - 20:18

S B

Joined:
2017-11-01

Spent evening gambling..

Not gonna say any more.

Not ready to come back.

Posted on:
Thu, 02/11/2017 - 21:52

Melonade

Joined:
2017-10-31

I couldn't just read and move on without leaving a post. Just want you to know that I understand you can just get to your lowest point once you withdraw from the gambling bubble. I did this a couple of days ago with all my wages that I needed to pay urgent bills. How sick did I feel coming back to reality. Disappointed in myself. 

Please try and be strong. We are all here as going through the same, maybe some at different stages to others but we got to take one day at time.

It's done now. That's what I keep telling myself. Try to look forward and get through tomorrow. Xx

Posted on:
Thu, 02/11/2017 - 21:59

Cynical wife

Joined:
2015-06-23

Don’t self destruct, Sandra.

CW

Posted on:
Thu, 02/11/2017 - 22:37

S B

Joined:
2017-11-01

Too late CW

I have zero commitment.
You either want help or not. It's your choice to decide I guess.
I'm not done yet. I have to face the demon fully before I can admit I am done...not long now...not long for sure.

Thanks Melonade. Don't get scared with these comments. I'm oldie depresses person here...i should know better.

Let's all just get some sleep huh...

Life is worth more than this..we all find the meaning in our own time.

Take care..god bless

Posted on:
Fri, 03/11/2017 - 08:01

S B

Joined:
2017-11-01

Briefly closed my eyes last night. Aftermath of stress I guess.

Every ounce in my body is telling me to give up, stop trying and accept the faith of struggle in life with alcohol and gambling. Stop reaching out or looking for a connection with others..
Yet there is that little tiny spark in me which is as frustrating as hel l at the minute, but to which..against all my reflexes and current disbelief/ Self loathing & self pitying...im gonna listen to and pick myself up once again.

Crawl, cry and struggle...but I shall fight..

When there is nothing more to lose...you have to find something to fight for. Apart from my baby paws who definitely feels something in the air today (must be empty bowl and me not filling it as per vets instructions)....i have me...this soul, capable of much more than this destruction in life...much more.

With aching heart, I'm standing back up and dusting myself down.

There is more to life if I open my eyes and look around.
Anything is possible if you put your heart and soul + hard work to it.

X

Posted on:
Fri, 03/11/2017 - 08:18

Smashed

Joined:
2017-08-13

Anything is possible if you want it badly enough, everyone is good at something but you have to believe in you and not care about recognition from others. Believe in what others say and you start to doubt yourself. I know what I am good at and used to listen to others but now at 50 I am finally, finally learning the art of not giving a ****. And when you learn how to do that life begins again even at 50.

Posted on:
Fri, 03/11/2017 - 11:00

S B

Joined:
2017-11-01

Thank you so much smashed...it takes courage to accept defeat and make steps for a change.

Am bk home with lil paws as she had to be rebooked for next week.
Feeling horrible. Spend 60 quid I couldn't afford for some drops for her...its on my mind constantly how I'm gonna manage till payday.
Phoned my only friend I have and kind of told her about recent days. I sometimes need to hear what I refuse to listen to...she said, " I'm dreading the day when you phone and say you lost everything...because you will if you carry on like that".
It most definitely hit home. But how long for huh? I seem to understand how serious it is but it soon goes out of window when my mood drops.
I asked my friend to lend me money if she can until payday..& that's something I didn't think I could bring myself to do. How quickly those tables turning...when did it all started to go this wrong. Manic panic is not a word! I'm on the edge of loosin g my job due to absences, credit card maxed out, bills just maybe will get covered for a month...
I still need to phone sister with apology about her bday next week. I can't afford to travel to see her let alone buy present. I shall tell her to keep the money she owes me as present. I have hit rock bottom...its actually happening...

Phone GC. In process of arranging online counselling as face 2 face is too far from where I live.

Maybe a start. I need help..i need it a lot.

Going church...need to calm down..

Everything will be ok, as long as I keep working at it.

Posted on:
Fri, 03/11/2017 - 12:51

Forum admin

Joined:
2010-11-01

Hi Pasimetus

It's good to see you back on the forum, although sorry it's because things are bad for you just now. It is good to see you are arranging online counselling. Keep posting, call the HelpLine or NetLine if you're struggling. We're rooting for you.

Best wishes

Deirdre 

Forum Admin

Posted on:
Fri, 03/11/2017 - 15:04

S B

Joined:
2017-11-01

Hi Deidre...

Thank you. It's shameful to be back under such circumstances and I'm in two minds with posting knowing my past relationships with forum members but I hold this place dear to my heart. It's my second home and it has saved my life once...i believe in this forum and miracles it does to person ☺

I shall keep close by, support others again and try to walk alongside my talk.
I May do your head in with contacting you as I did in early stages in my recovery previously but it was massive help to have that listening ear.

I am very lonely recently. Mostly because I pushed everyone away. Absolutely everyone so basically it's my baby steps once again in finding hope in humanity and becoming a better person.

There is solution to every situation and I want to find them in my case.

I am really looking forward to counselling. My gambling has reached a peak and I'm ready to take help offered.

Thanks again

Posted on:
Fri, 03/11/2017 - 17:26

Smashed

Joined:
2017-08-13

Keep posting everyone relates to certain stories or senarios. "Damn that sounds like me" "I was going to do that" . Because like any other addiction that beats you route 1 is always F this life. When it beat me I threw my laptop at the wall, my dog looking at me like I was possesed, saying *What the F have you done" I was going to keep that smashed up laptop (hence the name)as a reminder I think I did for a few weeks, but i threw it out, and I got a long time to recover still and get reminded on the 1st of every month what I did but I dont want to lose again. August 2017 gambling came for me hard I was like a zoned out zombie mad deposits chasing something I did not need but thinking I needed it.

Posted on:
Fri, 03/11/2017 - 19:12

S B

Joined:
2017-11-01

Thanks smashed. Yes, we all relate in one way or another.
As of the laptop incident, I had the same with my tablet...ohh didn't it have a flying lesson! I am still shocked how much anger can this addiction get out of us..its scary really..your conscious mind being taken over huh.

I got email from the site I ventured on yesterday saying they detected that I was already self excluded. After a few forward/ back chats it seems like I might get my deposits back...phewww...would be great to be honest..a lesson to learn from? However, it is my responsibility not to create accounts at the end of the day and I know what they mean.

Gratitude list time ☺

1. Walked all 10 miles today with my girl..i love this fresh air!
2. Greatful for my sister for understanding that I cannot afford her a b'day gift..."as long as I don't forget to phone her on the day"..is a deal!
3. For my mate I spoken to earlier. Some home trues I much needed was hammered in my head
4. Dad's quick recovery from nasty virus few days ago...
5. Not making things worse by gambling today..keeping common sense intact
6. Sorting out counselling
7. Heating & bread on the table (fixed some delicious sandwiches earlier)
8. Upcoming weekend off..i nearly cancelled all of my holiday and went bk in today. I stayed in...i will return as of next week
9. Greatful for calm mind most of the day..i do appreciate peace
10. For GC being here on good and bad. And very very greatful for the advisors I have spoken to over the last few days. I was a car crash to talk to to begin with
11. For being here and now - Alive!

Posted on:
Sat, 04/11/2017 - 11:36

S B

Joined:
2017-11-01

And sometimes I have not much to say. Like today. Seem to wake up a little lightheaded (maybe too much sleep) . Cup of joe going down lovely. Lil paws is waiting for a routine walk...i shall surprise her and take to different spot today.
The forests and greenery around me is astonishing! I also keep noticing a massive hill in the distance. Maybe one of the Peaks showing it's dominance...will definitely find my way there one day.
I absolutely loved my 10k tough challenge. One of the best memories from last month..Medal hung in a proud place alongside my Moonwalk one...ohhh memories huh.

Got few stuff to worry about but gonna try and take it easy. Need to make a budget shopping today..open creativity in cooking...simple, cheap, filling.

Will be back later, maybe more thoughts will gather then.

No gambling. Only day 2 but 2 days without that massive sinking feeling & physically shaking while you putting bank details in knowing it's money you can't afford...

Oh addiction...You hurt way too much.

Posted on:
Sat, 04/11/2017 - 11:48

ste_ven

Joined:
2012-05-11

We need routine in our lives, and work provides a bit of that for us. It also lets us earn money that can help us live our lives.

You mentioned you have been absent from work a lot and by the sounds out it there is a danger it could cost you your job. Is it possible to make work your focus just now? Go every day/shift that you have to work. I assume your employer will have a disciplinary scheme, have you been involved in meetings, received warnings etc? 

You know you need help, you are just not 100% sure that you truly want help. Coming back here suggests to me that you do want it... 

Stay safe and GF. 

Posted on:
Sat, 04/11/2017 - 14:51

S B

Joined:
2017-11-01

Thanks ste-ven, your post is most appreciated.

It has also triggered some thoughts in me. Let's cut it short...

What do I want from life?

Once upon a time I wanted to live in my dream country I have only seen in pictures or learned about at school...fast forward, passing the threshold of 18th birthday I was packing my bags and saying goodbye to my parents...of course there was more reasons for my departure but I'm trying to keep to the point here.
Next, I wanted to be able to drive...so I worked and learned hard to pass driving licence.
When I wanted to be free and independent soul so I started sharing a house separately from my sister.
When I wanted to climb up career steps and after many patient (or not so) years, I made few steps forward.
Then I wanted my own house and live completely by myself. Even move counties.
I did that...i got mortgage, moved counties, transferred with jobs.
I also wanted to get into the core of my dream job. I started vollunteering there...experience has fulfilled my dream.
I also wanted a dog. I have most beautiful one now.

So what's wrong? So what am I lacking?

I even tried relationships figuring this is getting very lonely by myself. 2 attempts in 6 months and I pushed them both away...again..needed my own space and tying up was a massive red flag for me.

It's horrifying as I feel I am all over the place. I don't commit and keep moving on searching for something what ticks me. Am I just a person who will never be happy with her lot? Always trying to look for something what gives me buzz, confidence, pride in myself and good emotions. Nothing seems to be enough..its like I cannot settle down and stick to things for long. Eager to keep moving, discovering, experiencing something new.

My mate has told me that I live someone's dream...and I know I do!
So why I am still not happy and why I keep self destructing?
What is gonna take to me finally stop, accept the fortune I have and live in peace? When enough will be enough.

I want something but I don't know what. Is it a illusion I live by or is there something out there what will stop me in my tracks?

Gambling is destroying..but it's one of the unhealthy escape routes I use when I get lost in myself not knowing my next step in life.

....

Posted on:
Sat, 04/11/2017 - 19:58

S B

Joined:
2017-11-01

Some thoughts about little paws...

My light in life.

When she arrived in my home, she was a girl capable of endless possibilities. Skinny compare to the way she is now (+5kg= 25kg).
She woolfed her food down all the time, mainly because she used to share house with 2 other dogs and as I understand..it was the way - first up, first served...
She has been loving from very beggining. We soon found connection ☺

Now I couldn't imagine my life without her. Putting her head on my shoulder, those clever eyes knowing my movements, warm company in bed! (& just this morning I clocked her "reversing" in the end of bed under the quilt and & only her head visible)...being mischievous and making me laugh.

I can tell she is a happy dog. I hope she is anyway. I spend much time with her and love every minute of it!

Yes, I failed more in front of her than ever in my life...but maybe, it was meant to be so I understand of value I have in front of me. Wouldn't want to lose her...i love her dearly! The feeling I never had before. The care, love and understanding.

I maintain...pets are better in undsrstanding/ feeling/ sensing than human beings (nothing too personal, just a fact from my point of view)

No gambling today...successfully connecting to my soul..may long it continue

Xx

Posted on:
Sat, 04/11/2017 - 20:55

adam808

Joined:
2017-08-27

Hi Pasimetus,

Your words have really struck a chord with me. I think it's purely down to myself being in your position 39 days ago. And to see the transformation I have made in such a small space of time. I wish I could give you a secret to make sure you stay gamble free...unfortuantely I can't but if it helps, here is what I've done to stay GF:

1. Every block possible. I have installed Gamban on my Laptop, and removed access to App Store and Internet on my phone. I've also self excluded from as many casinos as I can manage. And of course, financial blocks. I found a really good technique which worked for me. I pay all my bills via standing order on payday (bar Car Tax), and then withdraw the rest as cash. I also send a big chunk to my debt management company and a savings account I can't withdraw from.

2. Create a schedule. I follow this religiously. It helps me map out my day and removes those key points where I can be sucked back into gambling. 

3. Exercise, exercise, exercise. It's vital for me. It does something to my mental state and changes my outlook on life. Don't ask me how, I have no idea! I just think it's brilliant for me.

And of course, good luck. I hope you can stick at it this time. One day at a time!

Posted on:
Sun, 05/11/2017 - 12:36

S B

Joined:
2017-11-01

Thanks Adam

Struggling today. Have that panicky feeling. A lot to do with having to go bk to work tom.

Tried to go for a good walk with girl but lacked determination.

Hurt today..hurt that I have no connections. Nobody to talk to.

I have my girl but I also really miss human interaction. Two heads better than one huh..

Breathe..

Posted on:
Sun, 05/11/2017 - 12:44

S B

Joined:
2017-11-01

How can you miss someone who hurt you so much?

Posted on:
Sun, 05/11/2017 - 13:28

freda

Joined:
2009-06-24

Hey, S <3 It might help you to understand if you look up "trauma bonding". Have only read your last post, need to catch up on your diary.

F x

Posted on:
Sun, 05/11/2017 - 13:43

S B

Joined:
2017-11-01

Thanks F ☺

I just had a good relaxing bath! (WTF about time of the day but h ell I needed to relax) and then I just looked up mindfulness meditation & OMG! didn't it work wonders!..i am as calm as floating cloud and even if feel a lil sleepy, I am ready to get on with my day.

Just went to the upper garden (have 3 levels of it here) & thought I entered some kind of mine field :-/..i think my girl is plotting an escape lol...3 massive deep holes digged up near the fences!!! :-0

We just had a chat so hopefully no more surprises lol

phew..feeling so much better..magic of mindfullneas - thank you so much for suggestion on chat last night ☺

S x

Posted on:
Sun, 05/11/2017 - 14:46

Amom

Joined:
2014-10-09

B is adorable:). We have 2 huge dogs... thinking I should get them in the tub for a photo shoot.

Have a great gamble free day my dear.

Cathyx

Posted on:
Sun, 05/11/2017 - 21:31

S B

Joined:
2017-11-01

Thanks Cathy xx

Emotional day. I dont like to be told what I should do.

I...i contacted GC advisor earlier and I got mad...because I was told pure truth in my face...blocks, hobbies, direction.

Nothing changes if nothing changes.

I think I was scared to get bk here. I was scared of reality, knowing I WILL have to make changes to get better. No other way round it. Im s**tting me pants...im really scared of letting my old soul go.

I asked if I can bring babs into GA meeting. See if I can..then journey would be more worthwile.

Head all over the place..no bet...early night...

& a song I grew to love..it brings me peace...100%..luv it!

https://youtu.be/ecAWcqTO3No

Goodnight all

Posted on:
Mon, 06/11/2017 - 08:38

Smashed

Joined:
2017-08-13

Who likes being told what to do :-)

99% of stopping has to come from within, I think only someone who has truly been consumed by the addiction, not only financially but has lost hours, days, weeks and months consumed by it not sleeping not really caring about much else than the next mega win or the life changing hit. Will truly be able to offer support, because if you dont really really really want to stop no support group or individual session will stop you, as the same old same old churned out advice will just be like a broken record. Wanting help to show face and tackling the Gambling demons head on are different animals.

Posted on:
Mon, 06/11/2017 - 11:36

S B

Joined:
2017-11-01

Thanks smashed, a lot of food for thought there.

Up early and sleeps wasn't too good.. but what a beautiful morning outside huh. Already back from the walk and full breakfast consumed.

Financial misery weighing heavy on my shoulders. The situation to put yourself in...i struggle to process all this. To get so low in such short space of time.

Maybe few changes on horizon. May be getting lodgers. Few positives there: get rent, have someone at home with babs while I can do some overtime.
Negative - lack of my own space...
But maybe that's something I need tbh - people around me.

Also thinking of new disciplined routine of getting up earlier so I have more time b4 work. Haven't figured out what for yet but sure some activities/ New hobbies will follow..Discipline is needed in my life.

Still waiting for a further referral from counselling & keeping an eye out for GamBan taking place for phones. For some reason I think this is the one to aid me in my journey ahead.

Anxious about work but as agreed - head down & get on with it.

No gambling to report.

Posted on:
Mon, 06/11/2017 - 12:00

S B

Joined:
2017-11-01

All I would like now is a hug, shoulder to cry on and to be told everything will be alright...

Wishful thinking

Posted on:
Mon, 06/11/2017 - 14:15

Amom

Joined:
2014-10-09

(((S))). Do what you can to make everything alright for yourself. 

Cathyx

PS Great idea about the lodgers.