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Don't know what to do

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#1 Posted on:
Thu, 14/06/2018 - 14:36

Anon84

Joined:
2018-06-14

Hi

I recently found our my husband has had a secret gambling addiction for the last 2.5 years. He has wracked up 45k on credit card bills and been lying to me since February saying he's not been paid due to an error and spending all his wages on gambling and of course lost it all.

We have 3 children too so it's not just me to consider.

He's moved out for now, I just don't know what to do. I'm so angry, he's lied to me for so long, the future years will be dedicated to paying off this debt and I will never trust him again and if we stayed together we would also have his addiction to monitor.

I have so much on my plate already, I don't know if I want to take this on and if I can or if it will break me but I thought we would be together forever and never in a million years seen this coming.

Any advice welcome thank you

Posted on:
Thu, 14/06/2018 - 17:18

jjm2846

Joined:
2018-03-16

I'm sorry to hear you story, I too racked up a debt behind my partners back and she still doesn't know. The problem is that once you lose some money it becomes a viscous cycle to try and get it back, which we believe we can!

I never wanted to tell my partner because I felt stupid as I'm tight with money but was willing to throw it away gambling thinking I could win a better life for us. I feel gambling is in the past for me now as all possible blocks are in place and I don't want to hurt my family anymore. I

Maybe you need to get rid of kids and have a day/night thrashing it out and see if you both can work out.

You need control of all finances and try to seek help for him.

There's always a way if you both want it.

Posted on:
Thu, 14/06/2018 - 18:32

Lethe

Joined:
2016-12-10

As he's moved out there's no rush to decide. The debt and how to repay it is his problem. Don't make it yours by agreeing to a bailout or to taking out loans you're liable for. Make 110% sure he can't access any family finances and take as long as you want and need to read up on the addiction and to decide how and whether to proceed.

Posted on:
Thu, 14/06/2018 - 20:01

Anon84

Joined:
2018-06-14

He has admitted it's a problem but says it's completely in the past now and will not be gambling again and put the blocks in place. I already had control of the finances as he's always been hopeless with money but he managed to get all these credit cards and then couldn't pay them as he didn't have any money and couldn't tell me the reason for needing the money!

He says he's getting counselling. I just wish I knew if he was going to do this again and if I'm going to resent him and it'll cause rows for the years to come whilst he pays it off then that's no future to look forward to. I just feel so lost we have been together 13 years, I just don't know if I can support him through this without hating him for doing this to us.

Posted on:
Fri, 15/06/2018 - 10:08

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

Hi all gamblers when they first stop or get found out say it won't happen again. In my experience he was lying and everything became very secretive, secret bank account, loans, post sent to work, etc. If you have control of finance how did he get the cards? You can get credit reports (Experian, noddle, clear score, money saving expert) and get notifications if extra credit is applied for. If he's determined not to gamble he will be open to all these requests. You must take the focus from him to yourself. Safeguard finances, get support, learn about addiction. What are you going to do differently? This is addiction, a progressive illness, something that cannot be ignored.  You cannot stop him. You can only stop yourself from repeating the same behaviour. There is help out there you have to go and get it. For you. You need to learn to live with an addict, get rid of resentment, let go of the past. Find a gamanon meeting, call gamcare. They don't do this to deliberately hurt us. 

Posted on:
Fri, 15/06/2018 - 14:33

Anon84

Joined:
2018-06-14

He has a personal bank account where he got 'fun money' to spend fortnightly,I didn't view his credit reports before so he's just applied for the credit cards and got them!
He has said he is completely happy for me to view his bank/credit report etc and completely understands how I feel. It just doesn't help me know if I should give him another chance or if our life will be spent around his addiction now and relapses.
I spoke to someone from cancer a and they have sent me a link to set up counselling, I haven't done anything with it yet.