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Devil in my ear

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#1 Posted on:
Fri, 04/05/2018 - 20:12

xangel11x

Joined:
2018-02-23

In the 10 days I have been GF I have often typed crazily into notepad on my pc when I have had a bad day and then not posted it, because well it just ended up so massively long which makes me realise there definitely is an underlying problem. I really go into one when I think I realize what spakrs me to gamble, from childhood onwards, it's crazy. 

I really just wanted to share how this addiciton has preyed on my bad days, like a bad smell... or a little devil in my ear.

Why is it that when I have had such a bad day I just want to go to gambling, Is it to make me feel better.. get that buzz? think I can make up some of my losses? It is NEVER going to happen and I like to think I actually know that, it will only make me feel 100 times worse but that little voice always asks me, but do you really know that? You know you want to really... makes me so angry when I feel I am almost losing control.

Wether it be scratch cards from the shop or wanting to go on bingo or play those free games and the free bingo hours each day,  it has been very hard and that's what annoys me, why? My life is going to be so much better for not gambling.

My work is being a supervisor at Morrisons supermarket so I have to be around scratchcards a lot too, surely gambling is just as bad for your health as smoking or alcohol if not worse, and it destroys familys fast, so why is it so in our face all the time and everywhere!

Back to my title though, how do I keep this little devil out of my ear, maybe it will always be there and I just have to find a way to beat it everytime it wants a fight with my subconscious mind? I don't want to do what it says so why do I think I might? It stinks and is so very hard to control but I am determined I will be stronger than it.

I am on day 11 with 10 days of gambling free behind me, never thought I would see that happen in so many years of gambling daily, so stick my tongue out to that voice up till now anyway :p

Each day, .one day at a time with all that rubbish stuff that life has thrown, throws or is throwing at me, I will try so hard to tell that voice/addiction to please get out my head, and I do not want to be controlled by you, I want to be controlled my me. 

Someone said to me if you empty a glass full of water (addiction) you have to fill it with something or else it will be empty, wanting to be filled. Guess I am just trying to find something to fill mine with.

Feel better for getting this out of my system, love this diary entry section, ty for letting it be x

Posted on:
Mon, 07/05/2018 - 17:37

xangel11x

Joined:
2018-02-23

Just putting down my thoughts for the day...

It has become increasingly hard to stay gamble free, oh my goodness I hope it gets easier but I am still 13 days GF :)

I have said in other posts that I am a supervisor in a supermarket and the temptation is so great when you have to fill up the scratchcards, just looking at them is sooo tempting, every day for so long I would of bought lottery ticket or scratchcards, but now it's still hard but at the same time I feel I am that little bit stronger.

But I am on day 13 and if I get through this day without gambling I would have been 2 weeks, after so many years of daily gambling, I know it seems so small to some but to me it's getting somewhere :/

I wont see all the benefits though untill my loans are paid off in year and half and that's a difficult thing to deal with, the damage I've done, but I am trying so hard to look forward and not dwell on the damage which will only make me depressed.

I just wish I wasn't controlled by this addiction. it makes me so angry that I am... but I will continue to try and live 'my' life and not 'addictions' life.

And this song is inspirational to me atm, don't know about you but music really helps me sometimes. It's called 'don't give in' by snow patrol x

Posted on:
Mon, 07/05/2018 - 23:09

wittle71

Joined:
2018-04-17

Sounds like you're making real.progress . Keep it up

Posted on:
Mon, 07/05/2018 - 23:48

Ukds69

Joined:
2018-04-28

Keep up the great work Angel, 13 days gf is very impressive. Keep working at and ignore that devil on your shoulder!

I’ve more relapses followed by attempts to go GF than hot dinners, but for whatever reason I now feel like this is the one. I have, through pained experience, gained an ever increasing awareness and now I feel I’ve finally risen above it.

The difference really is accepting that I will never gamble again and being at ease with that thought. I think I am.

 

Posted on:
Tue, 08/05/2018 - 10:57

wittle71

Joined:
2018-04-17

Me too ukds69 . I really think this time I can do it

Posted on:
Thu, 10/05/2018 - 20:01

xangel11x

Joined:
2018-02-23

Really strange, I'm on day 17 of gamble free... the first couple of days were the hardest but since then I have gained so much knowledge and strength from the forum, sometimes not realised how many days have passed, my first counselling session is tomorrow at 2pm, I am a bit nervous but for so many years I  have promised myself I will do it and never have, so tomorrow.. here goes.. 

I have noticed though in these last 16 days, how many stressful situations have made me just automatically go to the computer to gamble, it is so much an outlet, but I have chose to read here instead. It's that empty glass that I need to fill and I am trying to change that step by step, filling it with take a break puzzles or actually doing housework lol. Trying to focus on my life right now and ignore the devil in my ear x 

Still going and I am determined I will beat it, love you all on here you have all helped me so much and I wish you all the very best in your journeys x 

Posted on:
Thu, 10/05/2018 - 20:45

caughtup

Joined:
2018-03-01

Aww xangel, well done hun! So glad you finding strength, remember a couple of weeks ago reading your story, thinking I know where you are coming from, am on same day 17 same as you! I know what you mean.. is just changing habits and knowing the urges will pass. Keep up the good work, should be proud! Things will only get better... lovely to concentrate on simple stuff without a big cloud of dread or guilt hanging over us isn’t it! Xx this forum is a god send, I have been coming on loads.. you lot will be sick of me but love all the support and love everyone shows to each other :) x 

Posted on:
Thu, 24/05/2018 - 01:57

ODAAT

Joined:
2014-11-10

Hi Angel, firstly can I say how sorry I am to hear of the loss of your baby son :-( That in itself is enough grief to send even the hardiest of souls running into the warmth that addiction promises (it lies but you know that).

 

Secondly all the questions you are asking are exactly what addiction is about & I really hope the counselling helps you find a lot of answers.  

 

A support group (GA) would provide you the understanding that your husband can’t/won’t give you @ the moment & whilst mine doesn’t understand, he has always been very supportive of my mini fist pumps.  I thought your purchase of Recovery was incredible (such a big deal for us gamblers) & hope you have managed to make sense of it...If not, take what you can now & go back to it because it’s pretty much all in there.  I don’t know if you should expect to be belittled but taking it on the chin is the best way to move forwards. 

 

I have just posted this to one of my group who told me that he was hard @ work telling his demons to bleep off:

“I spent many months in the company of Mr Gamble after I 1st quit...He’d jump in the car with me urging me to turn the wheel to the bookies or lie next to me in bed prodding me to get up & go do my **** in!

Sometimes I turned the air blue, sometimes I took him shopping, sometimes I just sat quietly with him & sometimes I did a little demented dance outside the bookies as he stood in the doorway flashing his cash in the most seductive pose a snivelly, pock marked (that’s really bleep spotty...Great big yellow craters), gap toothed ****** can strike! Now he don’t bother me so much!”

 

I don’t know if it will help but humanising my addiction gave me something to rage against when my Devil & my Angel were having a dust up (p.s: my Angel makes Tyson looks like a ***** cat but on that note, I’m not exactly a film star cryer either so I feel your pain when the tears do roll)!

 

You are right about needing to occupy your mind with other stuff because addiction is addiction regardless of our choice of crutch (or crutches) & you have to retrain your brain to accept that it is poison not a cure.  All of the Anonymous groups are based on the same 12 Step principles so tackle your gambling properly & you should find you will be tackling your alcohol @ the same time rather than treating them as 2 separate illnesses. 

 

You are not controlled by addiction, you do have that simple choice, just sadly, it’s very hard to figure out the how with the same brain that caught you up in it...Addiction doesn’t control your actions, you do so next time it comes calling, grab your cyber nunchucks & do a bit of windmilling until it runs off crying or you run out of **** & fall on the floor unable to act on the urge!

 

I would say, post those notes that you scribble down if you are happy to share...It’s your diary so don’t feel restricted.  I didn’t use my diary effectively & a lot of my pain is scattered elsewhere on the site so when I do read back over my recovery journey, it has gaping holes.

 

You know my thoughts on finances, manage your debt but try not to focus on it as you forge ahead to a calmer, happier life - ODAAT 

 

Posted on:
Thu, 24/05/2018 - 02:03

ODAAT

Joined:
2014-11-10

P.s: I wouldn’t normally do this but I still really do object to many of the censors so feel free to grab a mirror & decipher the ones below that I don’t think should be...

 

 

Posted on:
Thu, 24/05/2018 - 11:36

ODAAT

Joined:
2014-11-10

Uh oh, I’ve been edited...Soz

Posted on:
Sun, 27/05/2018 - 06:51

caughtup

Joined:
2018-03-01

Hi xangel, just popping in to say a massive well done hun! Hope you feeling proud and enjoying being GF, soon mount up don’t they! Sending lots of love and support xx

Posted on:
Mon, 28/05/2018 - 06:11

xangel11x

Joined:
2018-02-23

Thanks caughtup, means a lot to me. Having some ups and downs but still hanging in there x

Posted on:
Tue, 29/05/2018 - 21:29

xangel11x

Joined:
2018-02-23

Thanks ODAAT your words mean a lot to me, even the edited ones x

Thank you caught up, always means a lot to me to hear you still hanging in there, also means so much to not be alone in this fight.

Today I looked at my gamble free days and was so proud, but oh my goodness twitchy fingers, more so after I had got stressed in a situation this evening. I really must do that self exlusion thing from these sites I still have access to :/ because my fingers almost got the better of me, I thought to myself..  well you know could just put 50 pound in, roulette it at 1 pound a spin and you could be quids up, wouldn't that be exciting! I almost did it but then I came here and put those feelings I had down here into some sort of words instead, which I think helped, that was so close though.. scary to think that I can become so little in control of myself all of a sudden, glad I have a way of putting my fingers to better use.. well for today anyway x

 

 

Posted on:
Tue, 29/05/2018 - 23:09

caughtup

Joined:
2018-03-01

Hi xangel glad you doing good. Well done, they passing thick and fast these gamble free days aren’t they? Well done for not giving into those urges! did u mean you hadn’t signed up to Gamstop? I felt so much better knowing I had and as much as I hate to admit did test it. Doesn’t take long, few minutes and lovely to have a little extra safety net just in case. We have come this far now, don’ look back, only forward to much, much happier, guilt free, richer, more worthwhile days ahead xx :) 

I just keep thinking I don’t ever want that horrible sick feeling of giving my well earned money to those jokers of slots! Keep strong lovey! We can do this together, mums United, we can take on the world for our kids can’t we, move aside casino games....we mean business xx

 

Posted on:
Sat, 09/06/2018 - 10:11

xangel11x

Joined:
2018-02-23

Let myself down yesterday, I was so tempted to gamble because I haven't excluded myself from a bingo site yet because it's VIP stil, stupid I know..I sort of knew I had to do that and knew it would be a gateway if I didn't but I was still VIP on one of the sites and they just throw money at you every now and then (to entice you I know). I thought that I wont exclude till the VIP has run out, that way if I get any free money from it I will withdraw it straight away and maybe salvage something from my mess, then when VIP goes I will exclude myself.
But I had the dreaded time on my hands and spare money so I went on the site and spent what they had given me and what was in there which was 13 pound altogether, I had a feeling I wouldn't be able to stop there, I convinced myself I would and that I had control of it. Can't describe how much ashamed I was of myself after coming so far.
In my years of gambling daily I have not even been one day gamble free so I have never dealt with a relapse and I am feeling really really down about it. I spent 100 pound after using that 13 pound of 'free money' not from our joint money, but from my overdraft on one of my seperate bank accounts, I actually won over 600 with it on roulette, but  it all went back in again, just in about 2 hours of an evening. Then this morning I woke about 3-4 in the morning and there it was, that sick feeling again of what I had done last night, I knew it all too well.
To have got to day 46 and then let myself and my family down so much, I am disgusted in myself, to know what I could lose by doing this makes me feel knotted up inside, and to know that this addiction took control of me again is the worst feeling.
I want and will get back on the saddle though, I know I have to, it's that or a life of gambling probably on my own though this time, I don't want to cause any more pain for my family and they dont deserve that.
So back to day one for me and I will try to find some strength and positivity to start this again.

Posted on:
Sat, 09/06/2018 - 21:18

milkman

Joined:
2011-10-09

Thank-you for your very positive post on my diary a week or so ago.

I know all too well the waking up and sickness after a bout of evening gambing. What were we thinking? It's a cold slap in the face when you realise that you are not 'you' the night before.

However, 46 days really is a wonderful achievement and you shouldn't underplay it. Better you lost than you won, otherwise you'd've been back there already, expecting your invincibility cloak to carry on working for you...and spending larger amounts.

Take it as a lesson learned; a hard one, but a worthwhile one. All of us gamblers leave a door open in the beginning. I did. The VIP status and free money doesn't help, of course, but you're obviously savvy enough to see why they offer it. Exclude yourself, and sort out any other chinks you've left in your amour. One day at a time and all that, but aim higher this time and you will be surprised at what you can do after a setback.

 

Mm

Posted on:
Sun, 10/06/2018 - 06:01

caughtup

Joined:
2018-03-01

Xangel, aww hun... me and you both! We must be on the same journey, days wise! Both got up to 46 days and now back to day 2! :( Sorry to hear about your slip, don’t be hard on yourself, we are human, you have done fantastic and just a bump in the road to recovery, can dust off, learn and keep moving on! I have installed gamban on my phone, only cost £9.99 and is so easy! Didn’t want to take these measures... but think that’s what it takes, if it helps prevent me and protect me  from being tempted...! 

I logged on here this morning and wasn’t gonna write comments or post until I had built more days up, seeing you had been brave to admit it inspired me to face up to it too! We can do this, both come so far considering the depths of playing so regularly to not playing at all! You enjoy your Sunday with your family, I am sure we can build up these GF days and crack this thing! Take care lovely x

Posted on:
Sun, 10/06/2018 - 10:29

xangel11x

Joined:
2018-02-23

Thanks for your kind words and replys it made me feel better reading them as always, I just wish I had come here and read your comments before I did even more damage yesterday.

To begin with just before I hit my 46 day mark of GF I could feel it creeping up on me, I really wanted to come on the forum and explain how I could feel it creeping up like a bad smell, I couldn't tell my husband because he wouldn't have really understood it, I did manage to tell him I was feeling tempted and that I knew it was something he didn't understand so I told him I was going to go on the forum and ask peoples advice, he agreed with that.
I tried so hard to come here but never got enough time to sit at the pc and put my feelings down, but I knew it was coming.. inside I was crying out for it to go away. I knew what I had to do, I knew I had to self exclude but why I didn't is a mystery to me, then all of a sudden my husband went out somewhere the boys were upstairs, I had a thousand pound overdraft on one of my accounts.. and it pounced on me.

Yesterday evening I thought, well it did let me get up to 600 last night, maybe it will again and this time i will withdraw it, 800 pound gone from my 1000 overdraft later... no it didn't and now I am even more angry and upset than the first time i gambled after 46 days and lost 100 pound of my money, now it is 800 pound :( and I still have a voice in my head today saying 'keep trying, you can get the overdraft money back if you just keep going bit longer'

After reading here this morning I have done what I should of done on day 1. I have self excluded from the main sites for 5 years, I can't believe I actually did it, I never have even account cooled off on any of them in so very many years, including the one that was vip still. Feel so glad now that I have finally done it but feel like I just lost a friend or something? Got some very strange feelings going on here.. 

Thanks for the comments milkman, I will take it as a painful lesson learned and try aim higher this time starting today, when you said 46 days was a wonderful achievement, just that comment meant a lot to me ty x

So nice knowing I am not alone on my journey, thank you caughtup for your words, I know what you mean how it is hard to come on here and admit defeat but I find it really helps and wish I had done it before I lost my 46 GF days, the support on this forum is amazing. I believe you are strong enough to fight this well done for coming so far, together let's aim higher this time x

One day at a time and I hope today will be my day 1 of GF. I can't take this life of gambling anymore I don't want it, I want my family and to be happy.

Posted on:
Sun, 10/06/2018 - 10:42

Leedsfan333

Joined:
2018-05-30

 

xangel11x wrote:

Thanks for your kind words and replys it made me feel better reading them as always, I just wish I had come here and read your comments before I did even more damage yesterday.

To begin with just before I hit my 46 day mark of GF I could feel it creeping up on me, I really wanted to come on the forum and explain how I could feel it creeping up like a bad smell, I couldn't tell my husband because he wouldn't have really understood it, I did manage to tell him I was feeling tempted and that I knew it was something he didn't understand so I told him I was going to go on the forum and ask peoples advice, he agreed with that.
I tried so hard to come here but never got enough time to sit at the pc and put my feelings down, but I knew it was coming.. inside I was crying out for it to go away. I knew what I had to do, I knew I had to self exclude but why I didn't is a mystery to me, then all of a sudden my husband went out somewhere the boys were upstairs, I had a thousand pound overdraft on one of my accounts.. and it pounced on me.

Yesterday evening I thought, well it did let me get up to 600 last night, maybe it will again and this time i will withdraw it, 800 pound gone from my 1000 overdraft later... no it didn't and now I am even more angry and upset than the first time i gambled after 46 days and lost 100 pound of my money, now it is 800 pound :( and I still have a voice in my head today saying 'keep trying, you can get the overdraft money back if you just keep going bit longer'

After reading here this morning I have done what I should of done on day 1. I have self excluded from the main sites for 5 years, I can't believe I actually did it, I never have even account cooled off on any of them in so very many years, including the one that was vip still. Feel so glad now that I have finally done it but feel like I just lost a friend or something? Got some very strange feelings going on here.. 

Thanks for the comments milkman, I will take it as a painful lesson learned and try aim higher this time starting today, when you said 46 days was a wonderful achievement, just that comment meant a lot to me ty x

So nice knowing I am not alone on my journey, thank you caughtup for your words, I know what you mean how it is hard to come on here and admit defeat but I find it really helps and wish I had done it before I lost my 46 GF days, the support on this forum is amazing. I believe you are strong enough to fight this well done for coming so far, together let's aim higher this time x

One day at a time and I hope today will be my day 1 of GF. I can't take this life of gambling anymore I don't want it, I want my family and to be happy.

It’s better to have given up for 46 days than never stopped at all. You’ll know the signs even better next time you get those urges and know what to do,. 

New day, look to the future now

Posted on:
Sun, 10/06/2018 - 13:16

caughtup

Joined:
2018-03-01

Well done on your self excluding xangel, that’s a massive step! It is a relieve having that in place, i know we think we could win some back but how much do we have to lose to win, money wise/time wise/emotionally etc - it is a whirlwind spiralling faster and faster until getting out of it is harder and harder! You have proofed you can stop, nearly seven weeks! Come on here if feel tempted, I know sometimes we feel no one is reading diary etc and we may not reply, sometimes don’t even know what to say but we are listening and we understand, all have same problem. Take care, speak soon xx

Posted on:
Wed, 13/06/2018 - 21:10

xangel11x

Joined:
2018-02-23

Trying to explain to myself why it would be a bad idea to just by a couple of 10 pound scratchards every payday, I might win enough for our spending money on holiday, treat us some way... now I have excluded myself from online bingo which was my worst enemy, just a click of a button and several thousand pound gone sometimes. My thoughts are...now that's gone why can't I just do 20 pound a month on lottery/scratchcards... I did actually tell my husband the way I was feeling, the human part of me could understand why he said I am just looking for other avenues and another way to gamble somehow and how would I feel resetting my days back to zero, good point! The gambling addict in me got angry... but what if I could control it, just do 20 pound a month? I am still trying to make sense of this addiction, it really has got me beat sometimes.

Posted on:
Thu, 14/06/2018 - 20:55

milkman

Joined:
2011-10-09

Hello again,

Almost everyone on here would advocate a full stop to all forms of gambling. Of course, that's the ideal solution...but then we look at 'normal' people spending the odd pound on scratchcards etc and think..."What if I could be like that too?"

It's a question I've thought about a lot. In the past I have attracted the ire of people who don't agree with my opinions on my diary, as I've battled to manage 'controlled' gambling. But in your case, I think what you've written is clear enough; you want to play to win money in order to treat yourself. I think that's exactly the wrong reason. Buying a raffle ticket at your son's school fayre to win a plate of pork chops is unlikely to kick you off on a self-destuct (although I appreciate the possibility is there...but I think most CP would be 'safe'). Personally speaking, my ex-wife played bingo occasionally and, (no offence) as I sat next to her and played my own lines, I was terminally bored. Time has never passed so slowly. I even won once, just a few pounds. But there was nothing inside me, no joy at winning -  it wasn't capable of 'pressing the buttons' , and indeed it was a pleasant surprise for me that not all forms of gambling were attractive to me.

You are setting out to gamble so that you can win extra money and change your circumstances, albeit temporarily. If you have the odd low-level win it will just make you want to play more, and the downward spiral will begin. You'll either bet more on scratchcards, or start experimenting with other types of gambling. It's a no-win situation I think. Honestly, I think you should get some days, weeks and months under your belt and then think things through again.

 

Good luck!

Posted on:
Thu, 14/06/2018 - 23:35

ODAAT

Joined:
2014-11-10

I can give you this from experience because after giving up my poison (machines), I was determined to “be normal” & carry on playing the lottery...Despite a gambling career spanning almost 3 decades on the machines, the lottery & it’s associates products had never really fascinated me until that is it became all I allowed myself to gamble on.  The majority of my urges following me stopping the machines were lottery based, I guess because I continued to tell myself that that was ok...It wasn’t!

I eventually realised that “abstaining” wasn’t enough & walked into a GA room in December 2016 to start work on my recovery...I haven’t gambled since & neither have I had any real urges to!

Addiction is simple, it’s an anaesthetic...If you want to gamble, something is wrong in your mind!  Get those blocks high, keep reading & learning...The more you know about why you gamble, the easier it is to recognise your triggers & find ways to overcome them!

You CAN make it stop - ODAAT 

Posted on:
Fri, 15/06/2018 - 20:07

xangel11x

Joined:
2018-02-23

Thanks so much for the positive advice guys it was what I needed to hear, sometimes I feel I could counsel myself in my own mind but...I don't listen to me. That's why I love this forum, I do not expect replies and it is just nice to go wild on the keyboard with my thoughts of the day. But the replies help me a lot more than you probably know, I am not a very good word person, I find it hard to explain my feelings and to express how grateful I am that I am involved with such an awesome community but just knowing someone is right there with you because they have 'been there' is an enormous support, just to not feel alone helps so much.

But It is so hard, I am being temptped every day but I think I kind of knew that when I signed up to beat gambling, one day at a time... at first I felt so positive but when I had my relapse it knocked me for six and I felt so so low, that feeling that I felt the morning after I messed up was enough for me to get back on the saddle again. I did not want that feeling back again. Back in the day when I had that feeling in my stomach it made me thinkI my family would be better off without me because of my self destructivness.

 

Posted on:
Fri, 15/06/2018 - 20:23

Lau31

Joined:
2018-06-15

Hi i really get how u feel :(

Posted on:
Fri, 15/06/2018 - 23:25

xangel11x

Joined:
2018-02-23

Hi Lau and thank you I hope you are ok, if you feel sad maybe you could do what I do and use this forum to help those feelings of aloneness, knowing that we are not alone helped me so much. There are some wonderful people here with so much good advice and stories to share, people that have been up down and all around with this addiction.

I am not sure what your experience has been with gambling but if you feel like it may help then maybe you could make a diary on here or just read some stories and take in the awesome advice some poeple have to offer here, it helped me a lot and I am only just about hanging in there because of this place.

You never know, you may help someone just by sharing your own experiences. 

Best wishes,

angel x

Posted on:
Tue, 19/06/2018 - 23:18

caughtup

Joined:
2018-03-01

Hello my lovely, how you doing?? Just popping in to let you know am looking out for you, you are doing fab! I am so focused at the min so feeling good, I had a rough few days last week with personal issues and been so busy so cracking on! Sending lots of love and a little cheerleading dance and pompom ruffles for extra support xx in this together remember, take care! C x