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Posted on:
Thu, 24/08/2017 - 21:28

degenerate

Joined:
2013-05-10

Day 149

Discussing rock bottom in Chat today. I had so many rock bottoms they just got worse as I kept feeding the addiction.

In no particular order...

  • pawning all my stuff every month
  • Not a penny to my name a day after payday
  • Multiple payday loans
  • Overdrawn on all Credit Cards.
  • Not paying rent.
  • Not eating for days
  • Time off work cos i cant afford travel
  • ​Selling expensive gadgets for very little
  • Sat in house with no electric for days
  • Huge debts

 

I am sure I have missed some out. Anyway, 149 days gamble free. I am much better off. Stable financially, healthy and less worried/depressed each month.

 

Posted on:
Fri, 25/08/2017 - 19:48

degenerate

Joined:
2013-05-10

Day 150

A decent milestone. I treated myself to new earphones.

My longest diary on this website gets to Day 151 before stopping and I dont believe I lasted particulary long after that. I will wake up 2mo in the same position I was in back then. Hopefully, no relapses around the corner this time as I ended up doubling my debts in a couple of months. 

Posted on:
Fri, 25/08/2017 - 19:50

degenerate

Joined:
2013-05-10

I just checked. I gambled on day 151. Sunday should be a new personal best. 

Posted on:
Fri, 25/08/2017 - 19:58

Mixer

Joined:
2016-12-03

Congratulations on this major milestone Degen and, not only that, your total respect for the reality of the situation - that it always has been, and always will be, a day-to-day mission. 

But fantastic milestones such as this are always worth full acknowledgement,  especailly as it's a PB. Next target - WR! :)

Posted on:
Sun, 27/08/2017 - 20:13

degenerate

Joined:
2013-05-10

Thanks Mixer. PB is now in the bag. I am not sure about world records but I will get to 200 days and I might as well do a full year.

Day 152

A new personal best. I was not busy yesterday and felt very tempted to watch the racing on TV as I was waiting in the house all day for something. Today I was in the gym, visited friends, watched a film in cinema and never thought of gambling once.

I now have 2 whole weeks annual leave and not much planned for the time off. I will not be busy everyday and will need to find something to fill my time as boredom leads to stupid thoughts.

Posted on:
Wed, 30/08/2017 - 19:13

degenerate

Joined:
2013-05-10

Day 155

Quiet day. Lots of thoughts of gambling. I am off work and its day before payday. Looking at finances too much. Undecided about what to do with my disposable money as I do not want to pay it all towards debts for a change.

Posted on:
Thu, 31/08/2017 - 07:58

degenerate

Joined:
2013-05-10

Day 156

Yesterday, I was wandering what to do with my leftover pay today. Today, I dont get paid in full and I dont have anywhere near as much leftover pay as I thought. Furious, I need to remain calm till my wageslips are generated. 

I have hardly woken up yet and I am already wanting to gamble. I am going to be good (bored) and pay debts so I cannot be tempted.

 

Posted on:
Thu, 31/08/2017 - 08:19

Mixer

Joined:
2016-12-03

Hi Degen - It must be very frustrating having dome the sums and realised you've not been paid what you are due. I'm assuming it's some kind of administrative **** up and you WILL get what you're owed, even if it's not today. 

Remember, REMEMBER - gamblng just makes a PROBLEM (however bad) WORSE. 

DO NOT GAMBLE. Flick that teasing, over-excited gambling devil from your shoudlers. Remember, he LOVES it when you're agitated like this. Tell him to **** off. DO NOT BUCKLE. This is the time you've got to be extra resolved, extra strong.

This situation will resolve itself, you will get the extra pay you're due, let this stressful moment pass.

As for being bored, I suggest reading  'Stopping Gambling' by Allen Carr. You'll read it and think - yep,that's me he's talking about. You'll be gripped and you'll be dipping in out of it all day. £3.60 on Kindle, or £7 paperback on Amazon and you'll get it tomorrow.

With you here, Degen and, p.s. It's my payday too, and I'm leaving work with £4 in my pocket. No cards, nothing.

What makes a man (or woman) is how they deal with adversity. Here's where we show are true colours. And with 155 GF days under your belt you are certainly showing what you're made of ... you get the fullest respect from me. Lets all keep going, wherever we are on this journey...!

 

 

Posted on:
Fri, 01/09/2017 - 13:01

degenerate

Joined:
2013-05-10

Thanks Mixer. Many useful comments there. Look forward to speaking to you in Chat.

Posted on:
Fri, 01/09/2017 - 13:01

degenerate

Joined:
2013-05-10

Day 157

Seems I have been paid correctly. I treated my previous payslip as my first full wage in my new job and I was wrong. Upon closer inspection, I see that the taxman gave me a refund and this month he has got back to shafting me as always. Sigh.

Anyway, my financial plan is in tatters and I will not be debt free as soon as I expected. I am gutted. I had lots of thoughts of gambling. I wont dwell over it like I have done previously as I dont want to be too repetitive but I did the bookies hokey cokey again. In, Out, In and Out a few times but I managed to see sense.

I paid too much to debts so I couldnt use the cash for gambling. I still have time off work and I now I dont have much money to do anything I was planning. I need to be able to handle having access to funds.

Posted on:
Sun, 03/09/2017 - 20:32

Abstainer

Joined:
2017-05-10

Congratulations Degen , in a few hours you'll be 160 days away from your last bet . Full credit to you , that's a massive achievement in itself but it's also the foundation stone for a far better life . 

I guess you have had emotional ups and downs but you've kept your courage and stayed strong . It's inspiring to see friends winning their battles , showing it's possible to break free from this awful addiction ....stephen

Posted on:
Wed, 06/09/2017 - 12:28

degenerate

Joined:
2013-05-10

Thanks for your post Stephen. Getting closer to my first target. :)

Posted on:
Wed, 06/09/2017 - 12:32

degenerate

Joined:
2013-05-10

Day 162

Read my old diaries. What a loser. At least I am getting the complacent thoughts a bit later than I used to and its good to see I am making some progress. I cannot gamble again. Past experiences show I have been saving money for my next relapse and I have barely made any dents in my debts. Seems I relapse when my debts get to a comfortable amount.

[7700]

Posted on:
Sun, 10/09/2017 - 19:40

degenerate

Joined:
2013-05-10

Day 166

About 200 days from a year gamble free. I am very confident I can and will do 200 days this time. Can I go a full year gamble free? 

Posted on:
Sun, 10/09/2017 - 20:00

Mixer

Joined:
2016-12-03

I read somewhere, Degen, that if you think you will be gambling free, you will be gambling free.

I think, given your character - and that determined streak you have - puts you in a very good position Degen. One day at a time towards a GF year.

Posted on:
Mon, 11/09/2017 - 08:16

Sars27

Joined:
2017-06-02

Keep up the the good work bro! Don't let anything put you down :) 

Sars 

Posted on:
Mon, 11/09/2017 - 21:38

degenerate

Joined:
2013-05-10

Thanks Mixer and Sars :)

 

Day 167

I have been concentrating on a set number of days and not concentrating on my recovery. At the back of my mind I have never been convinced that I will NEVER gamble again. I need to learn to accept I will never gamble again.

Posted on:
Mon, 11/09/2017 - 23:24

ODAAT

Joined:
2014-11-10

That's progress Deg (thumb up)!  Counting the days helped me move past the "I will just have a little gamble as a treat" (you know how it goes, a little treat for all the hard work & smash the hard work to smithereens) to "I can't gamble anymore!" (sad face).  Working on me has shifted that to "I don't gamble anymore!" (relieved face)! If I remember rightly, you are a 30 year veteran of the 'sport' also & as great as 167 days is (24 weeks tomorrow, whoop whoop), we're still in the hole to a gazillion days...Have you thought about switching off the counter?  It got a bit like waiting for the Candy Crush lives to refresh for me & was all I thought about.  Fixating on the debt seems to give you a similar focus & you need to figure that out because debt is such a small (painful) part of our problem...Gambling destroys us, let it go - ODAAT 

Posted on:
Sun, 17/09/2017 - 14:33

degenerate

Joined:
2013-05-10

Thanks ODAAT. I know what you mean but I am going to keep number counting till I get to a year gamble free. 

Posted on:
Fri, 29/09/2017 - 20:41

degenerate

Joined:
2013-05-10

Day 185

Payday. Another one where I wake up before the alarm clock and start stressing about what to do with my money. I decided to overpay debts as I still do not trust myself.

I used my Credit Card a bit too much last month buying **** I do not need. I will try and be frugal this month as I may be buying myself a nice phone as a reward for reaching my target of 200 days.

Posted on:
Fri, 29/09/2017 - 21:36

adam808

Joined:
2017-08-27

Congratulations. Payday is the WORST day of the month but it sounds like you got the better of it this month. You just need to keep this up and carry on each day, day by day.

Posted on:
Fri, 27/10/2017 - 18:41

degenerate

Joined:
2013-05-10

Day 213

Looking forward to saying good riddance to October. Just the 6 unexpected bills this month and I wasnt as frugal as I planned to be early on in the month. A couple of them I was half expecting but my finances have taken a hit and I will not be rewarding myself for 200 days abstinance with a new Iphone. One of the debts will be a fairly big ongoing expense. I am not that bothered about the phone I am just disappointed my finances are not on track. I am still in a bit of a rush to be gamble free but its going to take a long time to pay off my debts. I need to be patient.

I also had some debt collection agency leaving me an annoying answer phone message to get me to contact them about an unknown debt. I am not calling them back and I am a bit curious/stressed about what the debt could be.

Anyway, I have had lots of thoughts of that one big bet to get me out of a little trouble. Yeah I know.

 

 

Posted on:
Fri, 27/10/2017 - 22:32

Sharon41

Joined:
2017-03-16

Pfft if only we could speed up time or erase the past hey? you're doing great and you are GF but will take time to get finances sorted. I'm in the same boat which is so frustrating but odaat is my saviour thought. Take it easy on yourself S:)

Posted on:
Fri, 27/10/2017 - 22:39

Abstainer

Joined:
2017-05-10

Hi degenerate. 213 Days GF is great progress in getting your life back on track. I think you should be proud of your achievement so far. You can only do what you can do and once you've done that you can't do no more ....stephen 

Posted on:
Sun, 29/10/2017 - 07:19

degenerate

Joined:
2013-05-10

Thanks all. Yeah I have made progress. I just want quicker progress.

 

Day 215

The person who was responsible for me having to cancel my holiday plans earlier this year gave me a call yesterday. They had a big win gambling and now wanted to book a holiday for the end of next month. ** off. I am a bit annoyed. Well, a bit furious and thoughts of getting a big win myself. I kept busy, I got through the day.

I am going to get thoughts of gambling. I need to keep ignoring them. Although I am tempted i feel fairly strong as I have had a number of excuses to gamble at various times over the last 200 days.

 

Posted on:
Mon, 30/10/2017 - 10:06

TulsiT

Joined:
2015-07-08

Good work. 215 days is like a miracle to be off gambling so well done. 

I've struggled more or less every day to stay off gambling in this recovery. It's been a fight, but I don't mind a battle. 

I once went back to gambling after a mate sent me a FB message saying he was making £100s a month on this new system. When I started copying it I wasn't making anything and soon realised he was talking sh i t e.  By then it was too late and I was gambling out of control again. 

Posted on:
Wed, 08/11/2017 - 21:11

degenerate

Joined:
2013-05-10

Thanks T, keep battling. We will continue to struggle every day. jus learn to accept it.

 

Day 225

Still no iphone. I decided to buy some new gym clothes and a few supplements I didnt really need for my 200 days reward. I have stopped thinking about gambling during the week. Even though I work in the city and walk past a hundred different bookmakers over the course of a month I am rarely tempted to bet. I still dwell a bit on financial issues and get tempted at the weekends.

I managed to go a whole week with a chunk of money in my cash account as a little experiment. I planned on going the whole month with money available to see how i could handle it but I was just taking a risk I didnt need to. Paid the money towards CCs today. No money and no temptation.

[9000]

Posted on:
Fri, 10/11/2017 - 06:57

GamblerHelp

Joined:
2017-11-07

I agree - don't test or tempt yourself, its just not worth it? I spent years in GA rooms listening to gamblers who did exactly that, to somehow prove to themselves that they were improved / better than they were / on the way to being normal again.

In every instance that they tried that in the first 18 months that person then went back to gambling (not neccessarily immediately either). In many cases they slipped back a few weeks or months AFTER having ready access to it in an unmonitored account or carrying cash.

This is because a gambler needs Time and Money to act out. And when life throws you a curve ball (mega stress / bereavement / arguments / dissappoints / etc) then our way of dealing with it is to run & escape from it, or numb ourselves up so we can't feel it. If the money is there, you will instinctively grab for it without it even going past your brain. And you're back at square one wondering what went wrong.

The worst thing you can do in these early stages is test yourself and succeed. Why? Your gambler brain interprets this as the fact that you are no longer sick and gets ready to go again.

So do yourself a favour and leave the experiments for now. There will be a time to keep money closer, but I guantee you the safest way for now is to keep it as far away as possible.

Been clean for 25yrs now and handle lots of money without fear of gambling. But didn't try to tempt or test myself for first 2 years, in order to give my brain a chance to rewire itself and forge some better behaviours. Have a read of my recovery thread and see if there's anything there you can use.

Good luck mate
Mike

 

 

Posted on:
Sun, 12/11/2017 - 16:22

degenerate

Joined:
2013-05-10

@GamblerHelp Thank you very much for taking time to add a comment to my diary. I just read your own recovery thread and its a must read for all of us on this site. 25 years gamble free is amazing.

Posted on:
Sat, 02/12/2017 - 22:11

degenerate

Joined:
2013-05-10

Day 249

I still need to get better at spending money. I am having thoughts of a nice gambling win in order to justify buying a few pricey presents when I could easily just buy the presents outright. I have made a few impulsive purchases in the last few months but I realise I only buy items that are on offer and most of the time I buy things I dont need. I need to practice paying full price for items I need. No more impulse buys.

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