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Degenerate IX

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#1 Posted on:
Wed, 29/03/2017 - 03:30

degenerate

Joined:
2013-05-10

Hi all,

Another attempt at a successful Recovery Diary. The 9th this time. I am going to update this Diary more often this time and remember to regularly visit the Chat rooms every week. 

 

Day 1

Another night I am not sleeping as a result of my gambling addiction. I would be disappointed in myself if I was able to sleep after the few days I have had. I have got over these days too quickly in the past.

I got complacent in the past and I do not intent to forget all my techniques to support my gambling free period this time.

 

Set rewards for abstaining from gambling

I have given myself increasingly bigger rewards for abstaining from gambling in the past and that helped me feel a bit better with the added benefit that I would not make regular purchases when I did nothing to deserve them. Finances got a bit small as a result.

 

 

Posted on:
Wed, 29/03/2017 - 03:40

Naomi1988

Joined:
2017-03-26

This will be me tomorrow I managed to day 3 and I've buggered it all up had to pay some of my debt today and now I can't going to loose him forever it's amazing how a few hours change everything :( really wish you good luck ...

Posted on:
Wed, 29/03/2017 - 04:09

degenerate

Joined:
2013-05-10

Sorry to hear that Nannai. Be sure to make a change this time round. Only way to improve. 

Posted on:
Thu, 30/03/2017 - 19:06

degenerate

Joined:
2013-05-10

Day 2

Filled in online counselling form. I will get assesed in a couple of weeks.

Posted on:
Sat, 01/04/2017 - 10:51

degenerate

Joined:
2013-05-10

Day 4

Need to control the spending. Wanting to buy things feed my gambling urges. I need my CC to get me through this month. I will not use my CC next month. I might reward myself with a nice meal but no medium to large purchases.

Posted on:
Sat, 01/04/2017 - 11:05

Westsider

Joined:
2012-05-23

Hi D

I'm fresh into my lastest recovery. You say it's your 9th diary. I've forgotten how many time I've promised myself it would be the last time. It's hard not to get complacent. It hard not to drift away from the forum. But it's harder to put ourselves through the sleepless, self-loathing again and again. Set small targets to start with. try not to spend too much time by yourself, put blocks in place and keep posting. I wish you all the best in your recovery.

Posted on:
Thu, 06/04/2017 - 20:02

degenerate

Joined:
2013-05-10

Thanks Westsider. I appreciate any comments. Good to know there are others in the same situation.

Posted on:
Thu, 06/04/2017 - 20:06

degenerate

Joined:
2013-05-10

Day 9

Feeling down. Worrying about something that might not even happen. A bet will not put me in a good mood. I always lose and will only feel depressed and stressed for the rest of the month.

 

 

Posted on:
Thu, 06/04/2017 - 22:23

Julie 35

Joined:
2016-11-18

You have the answer to your ?. you know how the story ends..Choose a different happier ending

Julie x

Posted on:
Thu, 06/04/2017 - 23:16

goodbyemrchips

Joined:
2015-01-11

Keep going mate!

Posted on:
Tue, 11/04/2017 - 13:40

degenerate

Joined:
2013-05-10

Day 14

Oh it happened and it was way worse than I thought. Unexpectedly, I am being made redundant. If I accept I will get a lump sum to tide me over till I get a job. Its going to be fun not overspending the amount.

Posted on:
Thu, 13/04/2017 - 13:10

degenerate

Joined:
2013-05-10

Day 16

Took part in my first online group counselling session yesterday. 

I feel a bit more positive about things. I will try focus on making small improvements each week.

Posted on:
Thu, 13/04/2017 - 15:16

degenerate

Joined:
2013-05-10

I have been concentrating on being gamble free thinking thats my only problem. I have lots of other problems that are effected by my gambling.

  • I need to get some sort of debt plan setup.
  • Stop wanting things I do not NEED.
  • I need to start hanging out with friends and family.
Posted on:
Thu, 13/04/2017 - 15:46

degenerate

Joined:
2013-05-10

Read through an old Diary where I kept a running total of my debts. I was doing well for a bit but I am about 9K more in debt than I was back then. Not good. Starting again.

[18550]

Posted on:
Thu, 13/04/2017 - 16:02

degenerate

Joined:
2013-05-10

I need to think smaller. Set small goals for each day and achieve them. Stop dwelling on long term problems.

Posted on:
Thu, 13/04/2017 - 19:24

degenerate

Joined:
2013-05-10

My only method to stop gambling is to pay debts or buy things till I am poor every payday. I need to control my money. I am tired of being low on funds for 29 days a month. Lifestyle and relationships are affected.

Posted on:
Fri, 14/04/2017 - 16:17

degenerate

Joined:
2013-05-10

Day 17

In town today. Walked straight past all the bookmakers.

Posted on:
Sat, 15/04/2017 - 16:20

degenerate

Joined:
2013-05-10

Day 18

In town again. I walked a bit slowly and had a look in the bookmakers to see what was on. In past gambling streaks I have stupidly gone in and watched a race without betting. Just feeding the urges. Anyway, I didnt go in. Watching races without a bet is not harmless.

Posted on:
Sun, 16/04/2017 - 19:29

degenerate

Joined:
2013-05-10

Day 19

Still a few days before I speak with a lawyer about my redundancy package. Fairly sure things will not go smoothly and I am getting very close to having no funds available. Worrying about finances as I dont know when money is coming in next.

No gambling today.

Posted on:
Tue, 18/04/2017 - 20:25

degenerate

Joined:
2013-05-10

Day 21

Listened to a self hypnosis messages for about 30 mins today. Bored, feeling a bit sleepy. Hopefully, my subconscious takes notice of the messages. 

Expecting a crappy day tomorrow. I will need to be strong. Sigh.

Posted on:
Tue, 18/04/2017 - 21:59

Julie 35

Joined:
2016-11-18

Expect better things....do not expect crappy and it will not deliver it to your door..life gives you what you ask for...Try and get a copy of the happiness trap from the library? lots to think about when your bored, thinking of you xx

Posted on:
Thu, 20/04/2017 - 17:32

degenerate

Joined:
2013-05-10

I appreciate your comment Julie. Had a look at the book on Amazon, I might give it a try as I am trying anything new that might help atm. 

Crappy day was in fact crappy. Which is an improvement as recently my days have been worse than expected most of the time.

Anyway, it is all behind me now. i can concentrate on other things. Yay.

Posted on:
Thu, 20/04/2017 - 19:28

PositiveAction

Joined:
Before 2009

Deleted

Posted on:
Fri, 21/04/2017 - 19:59

degenerate

Joined:
2013-05-10

Thanks DITH2016. A lot of good tips.

 

Day 24

Posted on:
Fri, 21/04/2017 - 20:01

degenerate

Joined:
2013-05-10

Day 24

No money at all. I cannot gamble.

I am spending too much time thinking about my next payment. Why does money consume all my thoughts? 

Posted on:
Fri, 21/04/2017 - 21:22

Stupidgirl39

Joined:
2017-04-14

Have you looked at no bulls*** meditation on YouTube? My friend suggested it to me...it explains our minds perfectly 

Posted on:
Sun, 23/04/2017 - 13:49

degenerate

Joined:
2013-05-10

Day 26

Not been busy the last few days. I have had fleeting thoughts about having a bet. 

Posted on:
Tue, 25/04/2017 - 20:15

degenerate

Joined:
2013-05-10

Day 28

Payday. Feels like Day 1.

Moving money to CCs so I have very little left for betting purposes. Unfortunately, I have little left for living purposes till I get my next job. Still a bit of cash in tha bank available. Need to be strong. I did withdraw £500 in coins (£2, £1, 50p, 20p). I am very unlikely to go to the bookies with all that change. Keep it in the house for day to day spending.

Posted on:
Wed, 26/04/2017 - 16:09

degenerate

Joined:
2013-05-10

Day 29

I contemplated walking in a bookmakers and watching a race. I had no money on me. Stupid thought, I managed to stop myself from going in. I made a few unnecessarily expensive purchases today, I wanted to justify the spending by having a winning bet.  I could easily have lost all my money.

Posted on:
Thu, 27/04/2017 - 18:09

degenerate

Joined:
2013-05-10

Day 30

No urges at all day. I did nothing differently to the previous 2 days.

Posted on:
Fri, 28/04/2017 - 17:46

degenerate

Joined:
2013-05-10

Day 31

I watched a horse race on TV today. Surfing through channels when I spotted the race and could not help making a selection and seeing the race complete. Luckily, my selection was unplaced and I am not regretting not placing a bet. No money bet, no money lost. I know from past experiences I should not do this.

Not busy today. I will be busier over the next couple of days.

Posted on:
Sat, 29/04/2017 - 18:26

degenerate

Joined:
2013-05-10

Day 32

Sigh. Another struggle. I tried to keep busy. While in the gym I thought of leaving and going into the bookmakers to make a bet before the races began. While in the cinema I was thinking of getting out in time to catch the last of the races. I did go in the bookmakers for about 10 seconds before about-turning and leaving.

I am having stupid thoughts "Am I really never going to gamble again?", "I should gamble now while I can afford some bets" and "I will only gamble on big saturday TV races and I will not chase this time. I have learned my lesson". 

Going to read an old Recovery Diary and some of my notes a few times. I am very surprised I am finding this difficult as its only Day 32 (Day 5 of having money). I am normally stronger this early. 

Posted on:
Sun, 30/04/2017 - 08:20

degenerate

Joined:
2013-05-10

I have been thinking about why I am finding things a struggle. I have a couple of things outside my control and I have been feeling anxious about them. 

  • I might have got a new job. Awaiting reference and a credit history check (gulp).
  • I am relying on other people to finalise possible holiday plans.

 

I should get an outcome in the next 2-4 weeks. 

Also, I had been going to the gym and eating clean for a while and the diet and training has gone off the rails recently. Need to start going to the gym regularly and eating nutritious food again.

Posted on:
Sun, 30/04/2017 - 17:26

degenerate

Joined:
2013-05-10

I finally read my own diary. I was having the same stupid thoughts as I am having now.

Despite thinking 151 days was some great achievement as I lowered most of my debts I find myself in much more debt. I have been thinking I am a part time gambler these days as I only gamble every other payday. I assumed I have lost less money cos my gambling activity has been reduced.

I have doubled my debts and more since relapsing. I guess I have a selective memory when it comes to gambling. I must stop. 

Posted on:
Sun, 30/04/2017 - 17:28

degenerate

Joined:
2013-05-10

Day 33

Feel a bit stronger today. I might have some money issues soon but I will not dwell on them till they present themselves. 

Posted on:
Tue, 02/05/2017 - 16:00

degenerate

Joined:
2013-05-10

Day 35

I bought a jumper that was quite expensive. I immediately wanted to gamble after purchasing in order to justify the expense. The jumper could have cost me all my available cash. Fortunately, I only had my Purchases Only Credit Card which meant I had no cash available. 

Posted on:
Tue, 02/05/2017 - 16:23

TM1985

Joined:
2016-05-30

Good on you for treating yourself. The old you wouldn't have bought it in the first place - you'd have went to gamble before to see if you could win the money for it but wouldn't have ended up getting it probably because you would have ended up chasing losses.

It can't be helped that your brain still thinks the way you have habitually trained it to think. In time it will get easier you just have to fight through these urges. Tomorrow you will feel much better for not gambling. Don't beat yourself up for thinking along those lines.

Stay strong buddy.

Posted on:
Tue, 02/05/2017 - 16:29

degenerate

Joined:
2013-05-10

tommy190416 wrote:

The old you wouldn't have bought it in the first place - you'd have went to gamble before to see if you could win the money for it but wouldn't have ended up getting it probably because you would have ended up chasing losses.

Absolutely spot on. Thanks.

 

Posted on:
Wed, 03/05/2017 - 19:06

degenerate

Joined:
2013-05-10

Day 36

No gambling today. Quiet day not too busy. I attended another online group therapy session setup via Gamcare.

I must not gamble. My stupid gambling brain is setting me up to gamble whether I get good or bad news on my job search. Getting to 36 days has been a struggle. I dont want to go through this again.

Posted on:
Wed, 03/05/2017 - 22:06

Markman

Joined:
2011-12-14

36 days is a great feet DG. Just try and remember how low you felt at the lowest point. You don't want to go back there. After one pay cycle of not gambling you are hopefully feeling the benefits already. Treat yourself if you can. Reward yourself and try and associate being gamble free with things you enjoy. Kind of like puppy training! Works for me!

Posted on:
Thu, 04/05/2017 - 20:43

degenerate

Joined:
2013-05-10

I am having so many rewards and they have not even been registering. I have lost count of the lunches or nice meals I am having and small things like buying sweets and drinks. Usually I only do those kind of things around Payday and live on basics for the rest of the month due to excessive gambling.

 

Day 37

I dropped my nice phone and thought I heard a crack. Before I even looked down at the screen I had decided I should gamble if the screen was smashed in order to fund purchase of a new phone. Pathetic. Luckily no cracks in screen. I hope this was just a fleeting thought and I would not have gambled.

Posted on:
Sat, 06/05/2017 - 19:23

degenerate

Joined:
2013-05-10

Day 39

As it was a big racing day today, I knew I would be tempted to have a bet but I managed to stop myself from going into a bookmakers or even looking through the window. However, I did check the racing pages on my mobile when I knew the big race was over. I need to stop showing an interest in racing as it can only lead to gambling. Out of all the runners in the race I didnt recognise a single one since I have not gambled too much in the last year.

Posted on:
Sun, 07/05/2017 - 17:40

degenerate

Joined:
2013-05-10

Day 40

No more treats. Shopping is getting quite expensive. Not as expensive as my gambling habit but its getting there. Not too much on my needs list. Only things I want. I need to stop wanting things that I do not need. I cannot affort all of the things on my list and I start thinking gambling might get me them. Gambling will only get me into financial difficulty. Secondly, I am still unemployed and I need to start being frugal with my money.

No more unnecesary spending. I can have a treat on Day 100. Unless I get a wage before then. (excluding a possible holiday I have coming up)

I kept busy today. No thoughts of gambling.

Posted on:
Sun, 07/05/2017 - 19:57

degenerate

Joined:
2013-05-10

Sigh. Thoughts of gambling in last couple of hours. I think because I started looking at my upcoming finance issues. I need to get a job soon. I must get a job soon. I moved some cash to CCs again so I will not have immediate access to the money which leaves me quite low on funds and possibly in more of a mess.

Posted on:
Mon, 08/05/2017 - 16:41

degenerate

Joined:
2013-05-10

I found out online that I can downgrade my current account which means I will only be allowed to make £200 in cash withdrawals per day. Not a huge difference to my current limit. I will need to think about it.

Posted on:
Tue, 09/05/2017 - 18:59

degenerate

Joined:
2013-05-10

Day 42

Seems toothache stops me from thinking of gambling. Unfortunately, I want to pull most of my teeth out with pliers to stop the pain. Unable to concentrate on anything nevermind choosing a horse from the latest form guide.

Posted on:
Tue, 09/05/2017 - 21:47

Julie 35

Joined:
2016-11-18

Beem there, told the Doctor that seen me in A&e on New Years Eve in 2010 to put me out of my misery, I was willing to die because of the pain.  Get them seem to, asap.. putting some good karma out there for a job for you x

Posted on:
Wed, 10/05/2017 - 20:30

degenerate

Joined:
2013-05-10

Thanks for the karma. Toothache pain is horrendous. Thanks to Nannais recommendation in Chat I have purchased some Orajel which has helped with the pain today.

Not much sleep last night. A few short mid afternoon naps as a result. 

Posted on:
Wed, 10/05/2017 - 20:32

degenerate

Joined:
2013-05-10

Day 43

Weak day. I am kidding myself that I want to have a few bets on a Sport I enjoy. When I imagine gambling again I can only think of withdrawing the maximum from a cash machine and betting heavily. 

Posted on:
Wed, 10/05/2017 - 21:21

Cynical wife

Joined:
2015-06-23

Obviously I'm not a CG so wouldn't understand but why not go to the dentist for the toothache and to GA and/or GC counselling for the gambling?

CW

Posted on:
Wed, 10/05/2017 - 21:25

degenerate

Joined:
2013-05-10

@CW Sorry, dentist appointment is already booked. I attend counselling via Gamcare. Thanks

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