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Clouds - Recovery Diary

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#1 Posted on:
Fri, 07/10/2016 - 18:34

Clouds

Joined:
2016-10-02

Introduced myself in the new members section the other day so now it's time to start my diary and fingers crossed the road to a full recovery! I'm going to try and be as positive as I can in this. Tackle this addiction head on and try my damn hardest to make a better life for myself. I am on my own now and i feel it's my last chance or that's how I'm viewing it anyways.

After raking up a mountain of debt mainly on slots and FOBT's I put all the barriers in place yesterday, confessed to my parents(again) and GF(again x 2) and I'm currently attending couselling.

As another member said to me, it's time to start properly winning now!

Day 1: No gambling.

Clouds.

Posted on:
Sat, 08/10/2016 - 21:30

Milo23

Joined:
2015-09-05

Hello clouds . 

I hope day 1 went well for u and u didn't gamble . It gets a lot harder everyday . But stay strong 

Posted on:
Sun, 09/10/2016 - 12:53

Clouds

Joined:
2016-10-02

Hey milo23, yes it's been ok so far :) onto day 3 now and gamble free!

It's been said quite a lot on here that it is a lot easier to say you're stopping after a big loss and no money to gamble. And the big test will be when I have money I guess! I'm feeling good no real urges until last night when I had a couple of beers watching the football. Nothing major, had no intention of acting on them and the barriers were in place. It did get me thinking though.. Many times when I've decided to stop gambling I've always went back to it when I've been drinking. Whether it be putting all my money in the FOBTs inbetween pints in the pub or sitting in my house having a few playing online slots. Now, I gambled sober but when I was under the influence it was very much a "worry about it later" attitude. Just didn't care. I don't drink too much but I do enjoy socialising with friends and it was just scary how after one drink my brain instantly thought about gambling. Not entirely sure what I'm getting at tbh but I would hate it to ruin my recovery. Drinking and gambling kinda came hand in hand ye know?Difference is that this time all the barriers are in place i guess.

 

Posted on:
Tue, 11/10/2016 - 15:25

Clouds

Joined:
2016-10-02

Checking in on day 5 of no gambling. Been doing fine and have had very few urges up until today when I worked out how much money I have left after all my future payday loans come off next payday. Left with practically nothing again for another month! So I've been fantisizing all day about putting on a wee tenner or so and trying to win a few hundred. Won't happen and if it did ill lose it anyways. 

Staying strong. No gambling today.

Clouds.

 

 

 

Posted on:
Fri, 14/10/2016 - 17:54

Clouds

Joined:
2016-10-02

Day 8 GF!

Struggling big time today. Friday is always my day for a big punt. Finishing work early and straight to the bookies hoping for a decent profit and the gateway to a "good" weekend. Most of the time I was left chasing and the weekend passed me by in horrible gambling bubble. Im staying strong and meeting my girlfriend soon where there is no chance i will gamble. 

Posted on:
Fri, 14/10/2016 - 18:50

Charley1

Joined:
2016-09-11

Hi clouds, well done on day 8 gf. I totally understand about your working out and figuring out that after working hard all month, ur wage goes on basically paying debts/payday loans and you dread the month ahead of basically no money! It's horrible and so easy to slip back in gambling, but like you said you'll only be worse off and in more debt. The pay day loans won't take for ever to pay off and your next pay you'll have that spare cash without paying high interest for borrowing it. As long as you've got money for your mains things, rent/mortgage, bills, food etc then just stay strong that month, it will be along month/months but you'll get there and it'll be so worth it! Stay strong, don't give these companies all your hard earned cash. Take Care. C x

Posted on:
Fri, 14/10/2016 - 20:03

ALAN 135

Joined:
Before 2009

Hi Clouds , My downfall was also the Fobt's to the point where most day's were " Big Punt" Day's and I know from experience how they make you feel win or lose and how the feelings of wanting to play them can be hard to overcome .

All I can say is just do anything to fight the urges and they will pass , it might have been the answer to a good weekend but how many more weekends have could you look back and say wern't great and youd lost money that had left you short for the following week ?.

I know that feeling all to well my friend and usually when that happend I'd start funding the following week on my good old credit card which was already groaning under the weight of the previous weeks carnage and you have to be honest if your anything like me you have to ask yourself how much £ 500 from a Fob't is really going to change your life ? , the chances of you hitting the right number with £ 13 on it , well how many times did you do that in a week ? , trouble is if and when I did strike the big win I wouldn't go and do anything with it , I'd just use it for more gambling tokens so I could keep giving myself the rush and then the cycle begins again .

Iv'e not had a bet in 13 months since coming here and can really see it now for what is was , a load of Bollx .

Stick with the plan you came here with clouds and do what you set out to do coz it's so worth it mate .

Sorry for the rant on your diary , just wanted you to see it for what it really is :))

Stay safe my friend and best wishes   Alan  

Posted on:
Thu, 03/11/2016 - 13:03

Clouds

Joined:
2016-10-02

Thanks Alan and Charley for the messages. Much appreciated :)

Today I am 1 month gamble free! Hooray! Although I nearly ruined it all yesterday..

Had terrible urges yesterday to play slots, the hardest to date. Not sure if it was because I was so close to the 1 month landmark or just because I had a bit of spare cash but it was all I wanted to do since I had woken up. I have all the barriers up but it didn't stop me from trying last night. Desperately decided to try and sign on as a guest on my Mac which is for safari use only. See if that would work. Low and behold I could access the sites. Signed up for a site I hadn't used and deposited 50. The adrenaline was pumping, heart racing. Didn't give a **** about how well I've done the past month. Went to play and it didn't load up as I didn't have flash. I couldn't download it either as I was a guest. Tried everything but it just wouldn't work. I accepted defeat and withdrew the 50. I've never been so relieved than i was when i got up this morning. Can now proudly say 1 month gf. 

Downside is ive now spent most of my morning on the phone to this site trying to get my money back because they said I had to place a bet before withdrawing. It's sorted now.

This is my first time on here in about a couple of weeks. Was doing ok and thought I didn't need it but last night proved me very wrong!

 

Posted on:
Thu, 03/11/2016 - 14:11

ALAN 135

Joined:
Before 2009

It just shows you how important it is to be  vigilant , all that hard work of the last month could easily have been undone in a moment of madness , I'ts probably because in your gambling mind you thought " Mhm ? Aren't  I good I've just had amonth without a bet , I'll reward myself with a little quick £ 50 " ? the very thing your trying to escape from is trying to justify itself to you , how crazy is that ? . Congrats on the month by the way but maybe look at extra blocks , speak to the IP and ask for the over 18's sites to be blocked or look at gettin rid of the ability to have funds at the ready , order anew card and scratch the 3 digits off the back ? , it all helps and could stop you trtying again , just imagine coming back for day one again and feeling crappy ? .

Posted on:
Tue, 01/08/2017 - 14:36

Clouds

Joined:
2016-10-02

Hey everyone!

 

 Not been on this in a long time which is partly due to me being gf since January but maybe that's been part of my relapse?

Had been doing so well until Friday morning when I got paid. What was just supposed to be a small bet has ended up with me losing all I had this morning. Familiar feelings of disgust, shame and that horrible horrible sick feeling in your stomach when you are down to your last tenner. 

Since the last time i wrote on this I split up with my girlfriend, moved back with my parents and started a DMP with stepchange to sort out my gambling debt. Not what I was hoping for while I began life in my thirties but I was happy being gamble free and finally paying off my debt.

Have to confess to my parents tonight(again!!) im dreading it as I was almost regaining their trust. They will be devastated but I have to tell them.

I feel like a wee boy again, wish I could turn back the clock.

Anyways, thanks for listening!

Clouds.

 

 

 

Posted on:
Wed, 02/08/2017 - 09:48

Clouds

Joined:
2016-10-02

So this is day 1 today.

Not for the time I confessed to my parents last night that I had been gambling again and it was worse than anything I could've imagined. They were genuinely shocked as they thought I was doing so well and I could tell they were just fed up with it all. I'm fed up. Dad couldn't even look at me. How many times am I going to do this to them. 

When I go for long periods of time without gambling, in this instance 8 months I convince myself that Im not addicted to it. That I can just put a couple of football bets on at the weekend. Just walk away after putting 30 quid on slots if you lose. Im laughing as I write down how stupid that is.  

 Gambling is the last thing on earth I want to do today. Seeing my parents like that last night was devasting. Really horrible. I really want to make them proud one day.

 

Posted on:
Thu, 03/08/2017 - 13:52

Clouds

Joined:
2016-10-02

Day 2

Feeling slightly better today because I went to counselling this morning. It's still really raw at home with my parents. My dad can't look at me and vice versa although my mum had a little chat with me this morning. It really feels like rock bottom this time, I've never seen them like that. I feel like this is my last chance with them. I feel like a burst couch. 

I decided to write down how bad I felt this time and how bad it is back home and that is finally going to get rid of this addiction. Made a photocopy so that I have one at work and at home so when I ever have the need or the urges to gamble I can be reminded of the pain it caused when I last relapsed.

 

Posted on:
Thu, 03/08/2017 - 14:03

tommy190416

Joined:
2016-05-30

Hi Clouds, good that you took that positive step this morning by going to counselling. Would have been easy to lock yourself away and avoid that reality.

Maybe you hit on a good point there about abscence from gamcare? I don't post as much as I did last year but still log onto this website most days to keep check on myself. Read others who are where I was back at the start of recovery. I also often read back my own diary as a stark reminder of where I don't want to be again.

I often feel guilty for not posting after a while because this is a tool that has been so useful to me and many others. If we invest just a fraction of the time we used to find to gamble to pop on here regularly then it can only be a good thing in my opinion.

Just an observation but are you using a blocker to stop access to websites? Also maybe worth handing other finances to someone else if payday was the trigger?

Just don't gamble for today and things will seem better. Day at a time and all that - don't have to tackle everything at once.

Posted on:
Thu, 03/08/2017 - 17:29

Clouds

Joined:
2016-10-02

Hey Tommy!

I'm not much of a writer to be honest and sometimes I feel I just ramble on! But the 'it's better to ramble than to gamble" quote always springs to mind! Reading other diaries certainly helps. My problem is that I go serveral months gf and tell myself I don't need to go on this or attend counselling and I end up relapsing. It's happened too many times now.

The blockers have always been, shall be say, a half arsed attempt!

 My counsellor set the restriction passcode on my iPhone so safari is disabled and all over 18 apps are forbidden. I found issues with k9 freezing all the time so I downloaded another supposedly "safe" browser app which unfortunately allowed me to access a site, hence the relapse over the weekend. I've SE from the bookies I used to go into but by no means all of them in the city. 

So yea, if I was 100% commited to putting all the blockers in place then Friday wouldn't have happened!

 

 

 

Posted on:
Fri, 04/08/2017 - 18:43

Clouds

Joined:
2016-10-02

t's day 3 and I'm happy to say I'm still gamble free! No urges to gamble, just really tired after my latest relapse. Things cooling off with parents and had a good chat last night. Spoke to my sister today about my addiction, went well. She was really supportive and it is nice to have somebody else in my family I can speak to or call when I have urges. 

Hope everybody has a nice weekend x

Posted on:
Sat, 05/08/2017 - 13:36

Sully2017

Joined:
2017-05-28

Hi Clouds,

Sorry to hear you have had a relapse. Sometimes, relapses are part of recovery - it sounds like you are already recognising extra things you could put in place this time round. It's good that you are seeing a counsellor, and I see you are on a DMP which I find so helpful. One thing I have found useful is doing a monthly budget sheet before I get paid, and then I keep receipts for all of my purchases and show them to my brother - it involves a bit of effort but it is helping me to stay transparent and helps me see what positive choices I can make with money, instead of the thousands I have wasted over the last 10 years or so.

Good luck on your journey!

Sully2017

 

Posted on:
Sat, 05/08/2017 - 21:27

adam123

Joined:
2015-06-09

Every cloud has a silver lining, you've gambled but you've told ur parents and have the support in place. Good luck

Posted on:
Wed, 09/08/2017 - 13:34

Clouds

Joined:
2016-10-02

 

Hey, thanks for the responses!

That's a good idea Sully thanks! I think im going to hand over all finances to my parents when im paid and see how i get on with that. It's a measure where pride has always got the better of me but this is what it is going to take i guess. My DMP is great! It was less painful than what i feared and i just wish that it was something i considered years ago! Also it is very difficult for me to obtain credit now while on the plan whereas before i'd take out payday loans to gamble or cover losses!

Today I am 1 week gamble free. 

Posted on:
Sun, 13/08/2017 - 23:21

Sully2017

Joined:
2017-05-28

Keep up the good work! Every day without gambling is a bonus day!

Posted on:
Fri, 18/08/2017 - 23:26

Sully2017

Joined:
2017-05-28

Hi Clouds,

How are things going for you?

Posted on:
Wed, 15/11/2017 - 10:02

Clouds

Joined:
2016-10-02

Hi Sully, things are going good thanks!

Thought I'd come on here and post how I was doing. I am 105 days gamble free today. Hurrah!

I haven't posted as much as I would've liked but I'm reading diaries every single day and that is something I didn't do before.

It hasn't been easy but I've worked so so hard to get this far. My life has been far from easy the past few months and I am getting quite emotional as I write this but living it gamble free has made it so much easier. I'm healthier - it's nice when people comment and say that you're looking well - I have some spare cash to spend on myself and most importantly I'm learning to love myself again. 

Good luck to everybody on here, I really mean it. 

Clouds.