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Being bailed out of your financial mess!

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#1 Posted on:
Wed, 30/08/2017 - 15:02

mrhonest

Joined:
2017-08-22

Having spoken to other girlfriends/wives of compulsive gamblers, several people have told my partner not to 'bail me out' when it comes to my current financial mess. This is also something that a Gamcare representative told her when she decided to ring up and chat about our situation. She has admitted to me that she finds it very confusing as her main worry is the people I owe money to and the crazy amount I will end up paying in interest.

I am obviously of two minds..

Part of me agrees with the advice she's been given, helping me with money seems a) totally wrong and unfair, not to mention it leaves her short and b) a quick fix which doesn't really tackle the addiction at the centre of it.

However, the thought of paying one particuarly company almost 8k over the next 3 and half years for a loan which was £2k originally seems crazy if we can find a cheaper way to pay it.

How do people feel about this? I can understand the advice being given and I would in no way ever pressure my partner to help but I would be lying if I didn't admit that some part of me really wants the help.

Look forward to hearing your thoughts.

Posted on:
Wed, 30/08/2017 - 15:54

Cynical wife

Joined:
2015-06-23

It's your debt, not hers, and it's your responsibility to deal with it in such a way that those around you don't go short. 

CW

Posted on:
Wed, 30/08/2017 - 16:24

ALAN 135

Joined:
Before 2009

Ultimately it's up to you and your partner to decide what will work and I see also the crazyness of paying that amount back in interest when there is no need . I think the problem lies with the fact that for a Compulsive Gambler having your debt magically wiped out can give us the green light to pick up exactly where we left off , I'm not saying you will but the mindset of a Newly stopped CG can be quite strange at times . I had the same offer from my partner but chose to decline and pay it off myself , I set aside money every month and watch it gradually decrease , it also is kind of reassuring to have it there at times as it's a reminder of where I was , I managed to spread mine on intrest free cards and just transfer it when the offer end's ! .  Is there no way you could take a loan in your name to consolodate the debt's ? .

Posted on:
Wed, 30/08/2017 - 20:25

Joydivider

Joined:
2015-03-11

Hi Mr Honest.

Its not advice designed to just have a go at you and it is sensible advice for her to fully understand what this is all about. If you still have gambling urges the addiction treats the bailout as if that was easy ...phew got away with that is how the addicted part of the brain starts to think. I took hundreds off my parents and still carried on gambling.

We dont know the full picture. Does she understand how dangerous and controlling a gambling addiction is? Does she understand that recovery takes time and strong blocks with no room for half measures or complacency.

Obviously the concern is that if she pays it and you do a runner or gamble again, she is wasting her time and her money. 

Im not saying you are a bad person but I understand a gambling addiction. I feel you need to do more talking about what you plan to do in a full recovery and abstinence from gambling....to her and here on the forum.

I dont know where you got the loan and I dont want to sound harsh but I hope it focuses you on the fact that payday or a higher risk loan costs exorbitant amounts of interest.

Are you agreeing and planning to hand her all your wages? How do you intend to pay her back fast if a bailout were to happen...can you pay it back in a reasonable time? We dont know all the picture here but still feel my advice to her is that its eyes open time because a gambling addiction can treat love as if it was nothing. 

I dont mean to have a go at you other than a healthy dose of reality...you can make gambling history with the right measures and that is vital now.

Best wishes from everyone on the forum

 

Posted on:
Thu, 31/08/2017 - 09:12

mrhonest

Joined:
2017-08-22

Hi all,

Thanks for the responses so far.. 

I think as joydivider touches on it's a hard one for people to judge on without knowing the complete story and particuarly the numbers involved. It's definitely not me asking for a handout either, or even worse.. expecting it. But at the moment I do see some clear benefits of receiving help.

Just to clarify, I have handed over everything to my partner in terms of finances. All the login details for online banking, she has scratched off CSV numbers on the backs of debit cards and she already receives my wages into her bank account. I can understand the depths we sink to in order to gamble but I'd like to think I won't do a 'runner' whatever happens in my recovery as that's not in my nature.

My partner understands that people have addictions but I don't think she wants to get deep into why we have them and and I respect that. I know that a lot of contributors to this forum will say she needs to understand more but it can be a draining experience and some personalities are not able to cope with all the upset this causes.

Posted on:
Thu, 31/08/2017 - 10:27

Phil72

Joined:
2016-10-07

I felt as part of recovering from gambling addiction I had to take responsibility for the debts I had accumulated which is why I set up a Debt Management Plan. I generally agree with all the responses above but would add that a DMP can give you some peace of mind.

Posted on:
Fri, 01/09/2017 - 21:31

Lethe

Joined:
2016-12-10

As time has gone on I've allocated funds to off-setting and minimising financial obligations but only because in three plus years I haven't seen any indications of gambling rearing its ugly head. Mr L was bailed out completely first time round but still thought hitting it hard five months down the line was the way forward. Second time round I wouldn't even have considered it in the very early days. His debt, his to sort.

Posted on:
Sat, 07/10/2017 - 08:27

Nikki56

Joined:
2017-10-01

I would never ever bail my cg out of any debt even if he had to live on beans on toast for the next 5 years. His gambling, his debt, his problem how to deal with it. Yes, it is frustrating to see the interest rates but again- i have my income and my priorities, paying for his poor decisions is not one of them.

Posted on:
Wed, 11/10/2017 - 00:34

leevoltaire

Joined:
2017-10-11

Paying close to 8k interest for an original loan of 2k is obscene!!

Posted on:
Fri, 13/10/2017 - 07:49

Nikki56

Joined:
2017-10-01

And this is why it is a very good reminder of why not to gamble.

Posted on:
Fri, 13/10/2017 - 12:53

Phil72

Joined:
2016-10-07

At the end of the day - particularly with payday loans - I knew what the interest rates were and still took out the loans. I agree that paying back 8 grand interest on a 2 grand loan is "obscene" but I think a lot of us have made crazy decisions in order to get our mitts on money to gamble.

Ultimately I do NOT personally agree with bail-outs unless the circumstances are extreme - like possibly going to jail or something.

On a similar subject but a slight tangent.

My friend was a guarantor (Didn't agree but kept my mouth shut) for somebody who wanted to rent a property. A year down the line my friend ended up with a CCJ because the a-hole didn't pay his rent for six months and my friend as the guarantor was liable.

He has had a terrible time trying to get the money off this bloke - threats  of extreme violence from him and his brother after he was kind enough - but naive as well - to be a guarantor.