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Posted on:
Thu, 01/03/2018 - 11:23

Took a wrong turn

Joined:
2012-02-22

Lovely posts to read Lulu and 16 days is great mate, keep it up.

I'm not posting much at present as I am under moderation on my account still at least for another month so it takes 5 hours for posts to get approved and published, sort of put me off a little and i am at work and supposed to be working. I'll be back supporting everyone very soon, just thought I would send you a message this morning. Have a lovely day, you are doing great!

Wilsy x

Posted on:
Thu, 01/03/2018 - 18:16

Lulubobs1966

Joined:
2015-07-19

Been a good gf day, off work due to the snow and had lovely sleep caught up now. I get up so early for work I’m constantly tired but had lovely sleep. Thoughts of gambling but no real urges. So good to still have money as normally I’d be broke feeling depressed and anxious because of gambling. 17 days tonight! 

Posted on:
Thu, 01/03/2018 - 22:26

Lulubobs1966

Joined:
2015-07-19

Having a wobble when will it get through my head that gambling’s absolutely no good whatsoever! I know the devastation yet still crave to throw my money away! Does my head in!

Posted on:
Fri, 02/03/2018 - 05:35

Lulubobs1966

Joined:
2015-07-19

17 days thankfully I have to confess I put in a gambling website was going to sign up but K9 blocked the site altogether so reprieve but I don’t feel great bit like before because I maybe would have gambled:(

Posted on:
Fri, 02/03/2018 - 05:40

Lulubobs1966

Joined:
2015-07-19

Probably would have been self excluded anyway so double the block but so don’t feel proud of myself

Posted on:
Fri, 02/03/2018 - 10:43

Cookie12

Joined:
2018-02-19

but at least you've come on here and been honest.hopefully you can start to have a plan in place when the urge turns to action.can you physically distract yourself with something else that will help.or something to override that urge with a wake up call.i write down how much I owe and much I'm paying off and that's enough to make me cringe.i also can go to a family member who will talk me through it .......at least the blocks stopped any damage .rest of today is a new day....onwards and upwards x

Posted on:
Fri, 02/03/2018 - 10:44

Lulubobs1966

Joined:
2015-07-19

Not good but good went on laptop and first search bought up a site not excluded from signed up went to deposit page cancelled it and have put k9 on laptop and self excluded too as it’s not slow as I thought. I am determined I’m going to beat this god awful addiction. I went on auto pilot while I was joining the site I can’t get over what a hold it’s still got, maybe always will? I stopped it though didn’t deposit and barred myself from any further opportunity for temptation. I’m hoping I’ll look back on my diary still gf weeks from now and learn from it. The reason I stopped myself depositing was the accountability I have on here and all the brilliant advice and posts off brilliant ppl. Some words have stuck in my head and they were going through my head at that precise moment so thank you from my heart everyone you’ve helped me stop destroying my life. X

Posted on:
Fri, 02/03/2018 - 11:58

Took a wrong turn

Joined:
2012-02-22

Hi Lulu,

you didn't deposit which is massive and you should give yourself such credit. Just hang in there and pick up a stick and just keep fighting off those horrible urges and voices, you will do this. 

Wilsy xx

Posted on:
Fri, 02/03/2018 - 13:23

Lulubobs1966

Joined:
2015-07-19

Phew pay day wobbles lasted three days. Got my equilibrium back and positivity at last again. I did it too, when I found a way I stopped it and built up blocks again. That’s because of this site. Reading, posting it all helps me so much as only my neighbour and counsellor know. If I waffle I’m sorry but I’ll take anything that keeps me gf :) Day 18 tonight 

Posted on:
Fri, 02/03/2018 - 13:42

Lulubobs1966

Joined:
2015-07-19

Sorry Cookie I missed your post thank you. I’ve been too busy venting and waffling that I missed it lol. Yes I’ve been distracting myself but when I signed up to site on my lap top I’d already gone into that gambling ‘haze’ but it was the words ppl have said to me on here and stuff I’ve read that got through and stopped me actually depositing. I think too because I’ve got 17 days behind me the ‘haze’ wasn’t as strong so I could stop and think. It’s because I’ve been paid and knew there may have been a viable way for me to gamble (laptop) but I’ve blocked that now too as well as self excluded. One thing though that amazes me is just how many sites there are out there I must have self excluded from hundreds but I still found one! There really should be a blanket self exclusion for all online sites. Anyway I’ll stop waffling now I’ve posted on your diary Cookie, thank you again Lulu x

Posted on:
Fri, 02/03/2018 - 16:54

tara2

Joined:
2013-01-27

hi lulu,  Nice to here that you are staying strong and thx. for all your posts and responses to others posts, I think that's really nice.  And, I wish you a great day today!  Is that your dog in the picture, profile pic.?   cute.  tara2

Posted on:
Fri, 02/03/2018 - 17:06

DeterminedDan

Joined:
2016-09-08

Hi Lulu, thanks for posting on my diary.

These urges will invariably come during these early stages of recovery. I bet there’s not a single person on this forum that hasn’t been tempted to deposit/gamble during the first month. It happens. It would be ABNORMAL if after all these years of being a compulsive gambler, that we suddenly stopped thinking about gambling. It doesn’t work like that. 

The mind takes time to adjust to life without gambling. There will be hiccups/obstacles along the way. 

So I wouldn’t worry too much. 

The main thing is you’re still gamble free tonight :)

Dan x

Posted on:
Fri, 02/03/2018 - 20:11

sjw

Joined:
2017-10-27

Hello Lulu,

Keep staying away, it does get better. Just need to let some time pass. Make sure them blocks are as tight as they can be.

Posted on:
Sat, 03/03/2018 - 08:29

Lulubobs1966

Joined:
2015-07-19

Hi Wilsey sorry missed your post yes thank you I’ve got a tree trunk for a stick lol thanks Wilsey x hi Tara yes that’s my baby lol she’s a lifesaver as I take her out and walk off the urges love her to bits she’ll be able to have more chews not I’m not gambling too lol Thanks Dan that has made me feel better I really thought I was losing the fight but like you say it’s just an obstacle x thanks sjw yes it will get better thanks for the reassurance much needed x

Posted on:
Sat, 03/03/2018 - 08:31

Lulubobs1966

Joined:
2015-07-19

18 days! Not waffling today. I will do this!

Posted on:
Sat, 03/03/2018 - 16:19

Lulubobs1966

Joined:
2015-07-19

Had my hair done and it looks really nice if I’d still been gambling wouldn’t have been able to afford it also having some beauty treatment Wednesday when I get paid my small wages eyebrows shaped and tinted have wanted that doing for ages but always blew my money on those awful slots. As long as my debts are paid though I’m happy anything else is real treat. 19 days tonight best of wishes everyone x

Posted on:
Sun, 04/03/2018 - 08:14

Lulubobs1966

Joined:
2015-07-19

Thanks SB yep going to reap the benefits :) hope your ok x

Posted on:
Sun, 04/03/2018 - 08:15

Lulubobs1966

Joined:
2015-07-19

19 days gf!

Posted on:
Sun, 04/03/2018 - 18:24

Lulubobs1966

Joined:
2015-07-19

Had good day today even though I had bad night with my eye stinging and hurting as something was in it and must have scratched my eye too but eventually got it out by rinsing loads but it had nearly swollen shut this morning but as days gone on it’s better. Boat sale man came round took photos etc and it’s now up for sale and we will hopefully be moving back into house again closer to family and friends. I think that’s been part of my problem well I know it has, escape from worry over my son not being close enough to help him more etc. Also despite it being a close community here and I’ve made good friends I’ve often felt lonely and bored. I can’t work anymore hours than what I do because of my health issues so course more time on hands. But! Now I’ve started my course and I’m really looking forward to being close to family especially my son again. Also my grandson and granddaughter who don’t live with my son and have different mums! Fractioned family but family all the same. Looking forward to 20 days gf tonight, no urges today which is relief after the urges I’ve been having! Peace restored thankfully....until the next urges. Best wishes everyone x

Posted on:
Sun, 04/03/2018 - 18:47

sjw

Joined:
2017-10-27

Well done Lulu, sounds good about moving closer family. My mum is only a few weeks from their house sale going through to move nearer me too. I moved 30miles away with my sister 2 years ago and she hates being away. Take it easy your doing it, just need to repeat what you've done for the last 19 days =)

Posted on:
Mon, 05/03/2018 - 09:58

Lulubobs1966

Joined:
2015-07-19

Hi sjw ah that’s good for you and your mum, I hate it being too far away from my son especially as he’s needed me these past couple years. Even just so he can nip round for some reassurance well hopefully he soon will be able too. Also my mum and dad are round there and they aren’t getting any younger. So it’ll hopefully be a good move plus I’ll be able to have a soak in a bath as only got a half bath at mo just hope narrow boat sells. Best of wishes sjw x

Posted on:
Mon, 05/03/2018 - 10:13

Lulubobs1966

Joined:
2015-07-19

Three weeks tonight! Chuffed to bits but had gambling thoughts late last night and this morning, there was a danger point when that site I’d emailed to self exclude me wouldn’t do it as apparently I had to send the email from the registered email address even though I’d put in all the information in the email that wasn’t sent from the email address I registered with, I was fuming as it still left door open which I’m sure is what they wanted so immediately sent email back (just replied to theirs as quicker) and threatened them with gambling commission. They’ve now self excluded me! They knew I’m sure that that period of leaving my account open was extremely dangerous for me and we’re probably hoping I’d put in shitloads of money due to my addiction but I didn’t even though there was the opportunity as I hated them that much for making it so difficult for me to help myself. I know it’s still my choice and responsibility but when you get some sites that use delaying tactics when you ask to self exclude it makes me so angry. I’d put every single bit of information in and stressed I had a serious problem so it should have been done straight away not leaving that window of opportunity open to me. Just so glad I was determined enough. I hate the gambling industry I really do. Rant over hope everyone good 

Posted on:
Mon, 05/03/2018 - 17:29

Lulubobs1966

Joined:
2015-07-19

No further gambling thoughts just realised that even if they’d left that account open I’ve got k9 on my laptop too so couldn’t have gambled anyway but I was thinking I could. That episode has reinforced my determination to stay stopped and I’ll fight the wobbles as and when they come no more gambling for me, the more time goes by the more I can’t believe how bad I was, I first joined here in 2015 and have relapsed so many times, no more, live and learn. Even though I’ve obviously struggled for three years since it got so bad to come on here I’ve had gamble free time and learnt from that time. I can now wake up every morning not having that sick feeling and worry and anxiety how I was going to manage for money. I’m calmer, more at peace, peace is nice. No more mood swings, no more feeling suicidal. I do regret not having stopped before now but that regret is something I’ll deal with, like the regret over the amount of money I’ve blown. Regrets are worthless, learning by them is priceless. Feel contemplative tonight! Stay gf everyone 

Posted on:
Mon, 05/03/2018 - 20:02

Equinox

Joined:
2017-10-18

Lulubobs1966 wrote:

Regrets are worthless, learning by them is priceless 

Hi Lulubobs1966 - that beautifully simple and truthful line is just what I needed to read tonight. I was dragging my heels over my last relapse, feeling all mopey about it, but now I'm going to see it as something I will learn by. Something I have to learn by. 

I'm glad you're determined fight this and are now enjoying that wonderful sense of peace a gamble free life gives. It beggars belief why we think gambling is worth it, when we know how much better life is without it. 

Posted on:
Tue, 06/03/2018 - 03:56

Lulubobs1966

Joined:
2015-07-19

Hi Equinox ah so glad that helped you :) the peace is amazing compared to what I used to be like when gambling. We can do this Equinox get our lives back best of wishes Lulu x

Posted on:
Tue, 06/03/2018 - 04:09

Lulubobs1966

Joined:
2015-07-19

21 days, 3 weeks! I can feel myself starting to get back to a normal way of thinking feeling and being, just a glimmer but there all the same. I’ve spent so long on the rollercoaster, mind numbing haze of gambling think I’ve forgotten what it’s like to be that way. It’s hard to describe what that glimmer was the best way to describe it is normality. Recovery is a lifetime process I think. Like ppl have said after one month roughly it starts getting easier that must be what that glimmer was too. I’m probably not making much sense as it’s so hard to describe what I felt but feeling that has given me even more determination to stay gf as I want to feel that natural joy of living again and again. I hate compulsive gambling it takes so much more from us than money. Here’s to one month gf but I’m taking it one day at a time. 

Posted on:
Tue, 06/03/2018 - 12:01

Lulubobs1966

Joined:
2015-07-19

One thing bugs me, was there a point where I should’ve thought ‘hang on your wanting gambling a bit too much, your thinking about it too much’ if so I really don’t know when that time was. I can remember being able to leave off gambling no compulsion but not when it became a danger point. I’d say for the last 5 years it’s consumed me. It really is a progressive disease. I’m thinking this way as have strong thoughts, not urges though today. Sick of it consuming my thoughts, distraction I think take my beautiful dog for a nice walk. When did it become impossible to stop?

Posted on:
Tue, 06/03/2018 - 14:33

Took a wrong turn

Joined:
2012-02-22

Hi Lulu, you are doing so very well, so pleased to check in and see you writing things down and expressing yourself. Haven't got the answers I am afraid about this complex illness/addiction, just so, so important we don't let it ruin our lives any longer, we have to abstain and maintain at all costs.

Wishing you well my friend 

Wilsy x

Posted on:
Wed, 07/03/2018 - 04:42

Lulubobs1966

Joined:
2015-07-19

Hi Wilsey my friend thank you it feels good. I tend to waffle lol but it helps to offload. Best of wishes Wilsey x

Posted on:
Wed, 07/03/2018 - 04:49

Lulubobs1966

Joined:
2015-07-19

22 days chuffed! The thoughts of gambling are receding again and the peace is priceless. Got paid my small wages today and not in the slightest bit tempted to gambling. It feels great to know that my hard worked for money won’t be wasted this time and I can pay my debts with some left over. Best of wishes everyone stay gf x

Posted on:
Wed, 07/03/2018 - 11:34

Lulubobs1966

Joined:
2015-07-19

Well today I nearly bought a scratch card but I’m not giving a single penny of my money to those ppl anymore. Plus I didn’t want that gambling ‘feeling’ of anticipating a win. No more. I really hate that feeling now it’s stressful and uncomfortable now. I really am happier gf.

Posted on:
Wed, 07/03/2018 - 11:44

Took a wrong turn

Joined:
2012-02-22

Great to hear you didn't buy that scratchcard Lulu, they are bloody rubbish and we aren't missing anything, buy yourself some lovely sweeties instead.

Good girl, keep up the good work 22 days is excellent!

Your pal, Wilsy! x

Posted on:
Wed, 07/03/2018 - 11:46

Stephen The Strong

Joined:
2017-05-10

Well done Lulu on not getting that scratchcard. We need to stay focussed and not forget the misery that gambling leaves at our door.

You are 22 days away from your last bet and that is excellent. Those first few weeks are very challenging times so well done on your good progress.

I have stuck a mini statement on my kitchen wall from last wednesday. It shows 5 withdrawals in a row which emptied my bank account. It all went into the bookies pocket via a few fobt machines. How sad and stupid is that !!!

Take care my friend and keep going forward...stephen 

Posted on:
Thu, 08/03/2018 - 02:53

Lulubobs1966

Joined:
2015-07-19

Thanks Wilsey and Stephen for your messages it means a lot x. 23 days gf! I’ll post on your diaries too. X

 

Posted on:
Thu, 08/03/2018 - 08:59

Lulubobs1966

Joined:
2015-07-19

Fail! Bought three scratch cards the bingo ones, gutted gave in had a bad morning with urges not just thoughts. Worse still I’ve been getting emails about new sites and when I click on link in the email it brings up option for Safari so there’s that way round block of K9 bad news, but joined and self excluded straight away, I’m not giving into online gambling the scratch cards are bad enough. I can honestly say though that scratch cards don’t bother me really I’m not drawn towards them like online slots, online slots are deadly for me and I know this. Scratch cards aren’t but it’s still not great like you said Wilsey my friend they are rubbish. Feel gutted but not going back day 1 that’ll just demotivate me and it’s slots that are my Achilles heel. Now to change email address I think so I don’t get anymore ‘promotions’ of new websites. On one hand I’m proud that I just joined and self excluded straight away because that was sooo hard to do, no peace in my head just battling thoughts I want my peace back. I’m so much happier gf so why still the urges gambling just brings us misery. Anyway bad day moving on from it

Posted on:
Thu, 08/03/2018 - 14:41

Lulubobs1966

Joined:
2015-07-19

Funny but buying those scratch cards has doubled my determination not to gamble anymore, I didn’t ‘enjoy’ it as it stole my peace of mind. Looks like I’m going to have to get GamBan though or like I said change my email address but that’s loads hassle easier to get GamBan also for my laptop even though it’s slow. I’ll be able to relax properly then, don’t like loopholes so glad self excluded again. How many are there? They seem never ending. Well scratch cards got £9 of my money and that’s £9 way to much. Feeling more balanced again now, this is a rough journey

Posted on:
Thu, 08/03/2018 - 15:19

Took a wrong turn

Joined:
2012-02-22

Hi Lulu, that is the main thing, you didn't do the slots, a few scratch cards even though you felt disappointed, won't do any damage or harm but the slots will so pat yourself on the back big time, give yourself credit and look at all the positives.

Funny you should ask today, well the one who had the operation is a bundle of joy but my oldest girl isn't doing too well, she is struggling to move around freely and is sleeping alot and just not looking herself. I am taking her straight over to my experts (their previous mummies) to get an emergency opinion. I am worried sick and need to find out that it is just arthritas which we can deal with by giving her drops and vitamins, I just don't want her to be in pain or for it to be anything else. I gues at 5 years she is an old girl, I just hope her end isn't coming soon as I'll be devastated, they are all I have in my life along with friends and family, I love them loads. My little lion just isn't her normal self. Wish could send you pictures :-( x

Posted on:
Thu, 08/03/2018 - 16:12

Lulubobs1966

Joined:
2015-07-19

All my posts are going to start ‘ ?gamble free days apart from three stupid scratch cards’ it’s been a learning curve again, I really don’t ‘enjoy’ gambling don’t think I ever have cos of how it makes me feel. Peace & equilibrium restored again. Going to learn from this morning.

Posted on:
Thu, 08/03/2018 - 17:17

Stephen The Strong

Joined:
2017-05-10

Hello Lulu thank you for the kind words on my diary.

I will keep that mini statement on my kitchen wall as a reminder of how gambling (once again) left me with no money . Over several hours I made 5 withdrawals which emptied my bank account of my works pension which had only gone in the bank that morning. Absolute madness.

Please come to terms with buying the 3 scratch cards and move on. You recognise it was foolish but you regret your impulsive action and have been totally honest with yourself and your diary. I was faced with a similar dilemma many years ago after I had stopped drinking alcohol. At a social gathering I had a glass of punch and a year or so later I inadvertently had half a glass of wine. After careful consideration I chose not to alter my alcohol-free count but accepted I had experienced a couple of hiccups along the way. I am now over 27 years without alcohol and have no regrets. 

Take care my friend and keep going forward. Be kind but firm. Treat yourself with respect, compassion and understanding. Wishing you well and sending a big hug to lululand ... stephen x 

Posted on:
Fri, 09/03/2018 - 04:37

Lulubobs1966

Joined:
2015-07-19

Hiya Stephen aww that’s such a lovely post cheered me up no end! So sorry you lost that money it is total madness but that’s cgs for you there’s no logic or reason is there. You’ve obviously battled alcohol too well done for that! You should be so very proud of yourself for doing that. I think I’ve replaced one addiction for another :( but it’s a learning curve. I will put it behind me Stephen thank you for that boost. Your such a special guy thanks for your support x big hugs from me too Lulu x

Posted on:
Fri, 09/03/2018 - 04:40

Lulubobs1966

Joined:
2015-07-19

24 days! Feel better now here’s to 28 days, 1 month but one day at a time! Best of wishes everyone x

Posted on:
Fri, 09/03/2018 - 10:51

Cookie12

Joined:
2018-02-19

hi lulubobs ....
I get the uncomfortable feeling around scratch cards and lottery.my OH always asks me to get him a lucky dip.only one once a week if he remembers.hes never had gambling issues.weird thing is I'll think you'll never win on that what a waste of money but online slots were different in my head.how stupid could I get..
keep going .love ur posts x

Posted on:
Fri, 09/03/2018 - 14:49

Lulubobs1966

Joined:
2015-07-19

Hi Cookie x that’s exactly what I felt like uncomfortable it really destroyed my peace just a few scratch cards but I think that’s cod it’s going into that gambling head you know with all the frustration, miserableness, anxiety etc etc. It really is like a drug with a huge comedown it wasn’t as heavy as that with the scratch cards but niggled at my peace and I hated that. I really do hate gambling for everything it does to your mind emotions even body so I’ll stay gamble free even through all the urges. Slots ah they are deadly they feed quick regular hits of dopamine so our comedown is nasty then the dopamine receptors are gagging for more but when we stop there isn’t any until we build it up again naturally like seeing the first signs of spring, the sun in a blue sky, enjoying a cappuccino lol. I’m waffling again sorry but the more I understand the science behind addiction the better lol. Hope your good Cookie bestest of wishes x Lulu 

Posted on:
Fri, 09/03/2018 - 15:02

Lulubobs1966

Joined:
2015-07-19

Hi Wilsey my friend for some reason I keep missing your posts, don’t they come in until later or something I remember you saying that your posts were being checked and then loaded about five hours later? Sorry anyway my friend, yes your right if it had been slots I’d be back on the nasty rollercoaster. I’m glad in a way I bought them cos it’s made me want to stay gf even more so.  Oh I am sorry Wilsey our animals are our family, children I know all my dogs have been my babies. I really hope she’s ok and it’s just something easily treated, as she’s so well looked after there’s no reason she can’t go on for quite a while x I’ve been devastated when my other dogs have gone, I know we have to face it but it doesn’t make it any easier. Sending healing thoughts to her. Bestest wishes my friend x Lulu

Posted on:
Fri, 09/03/2018 - 15:10

Took a wrong turn

Joined:
2012-02-22

yes there is a delay in my posts being published but hopefully for not much longer. Well re the piggie, i went home at lunctime and the meds are certainly working. She was out in the middle of the cage and when I went to give her some veggies she popcorned (sign of excitement) and jumped almost completely out of the cage, I had to catch her before she fell out, it was so funny she has never jumped in her life so I am so, so happy. 

You are doing so well my friend, forget the scratch cards, no damage done and nearly a full month, you should be so proud of yourself.

Wilsy x

Posted on:
Fri, 09/03/2018 - 17:01

sjw

Joined:
2017-10-27

Just checking in to say hello Lulu, hope you've had a good week apart from the scrathcards! Stay safe over the weekend. Got a busy one myself.

Posted on:
Sat, 10/03/2018 - 10:25

Lulubobs1966

Joined:
2015-07-19

Hi Wilsey, that’s great news! So glad she’s happy and well. I laughed when you said she popcorned! So damn cute! Really pleased for you my friend. X Lulu 

Posted on:
Sat, 10/03/2018 - 10:27

Lulubobs1966

Joined:
2015-07-19

Hi sjw ah thank you you have a great weekend too! Gf of course! X Lulu 

Posted on:
Sat, 10/03/2018 - 12:15

Lulubobs1966

Joined:
2015-07-19

Hi SB yes it’s behind me now silly moment but done. Gave jazzy a hug lol stay safe too my friend x Lulu

Posted on:
Sat, 10/03/2018 - 12:17

Lulubobs1966

Joined:
2015-07-19

Bit late posting cos been busy but 25 days gf! Soon be a month but taking one day at time. Stay gf everyone best of wishes x

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