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Back to get on track it has been many years

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#1 Posted on:
Wed, 08/11/2017 - 15:39

Wilsy

Joined:
2012-02-22

After having a pretty destructive time of things over a number of years and months on and off, I have decided to venture back to the forum and get things back on track.

DAY 7 of no gambling.

I used the forum to keep track of days that I haven't gambled and to chat to others while expressing my thoughts.

Have 12 weeks counselling with 'Break Even' starting soon. Am skint so can't gamble and don't want to gamble and am also in contact with 'Health in Mind' as well as being back on the meds.

Just for the rest of today I won't gamble and tomorrow I will tackle when it arrives.

Posted on:
Wed, 08/11/2017 - 16:21

paulll

Joined:
2009-10-16

Hi Wilsy, 

Sorry to hear of your recent problems, but it’s great that you are a week in to recovery and back on the forum. I’m on 35 days at the moment but feel pretty good  about things. The best advice I can give is for you to fully accept that gambling can have no further part in your life. I don’t know if you are at that stage yet, but for me this mindset is powerful, and by taking things one day at a time I’m turning my back on gambling. You can do the same! 

Second point is to realise that gambling offers nothing positive to your life. The list of negatives is endless as you probably well know. Wins are fleeting and just end up back with the bookies - you cannot win, because you cannot stop. 

I wish you well, keep posting on the forum if it helps. Also, I apologise if my advice sounds a bit cliched - thing is I’m starting to realise that those cliches are true! 

Posted on:
Wed, 08/11/2017 - 16:31

Wilsy

Joined:
2012-02-22

Hi Paul, thanks for your message of support. I am a bit old school at this giving up lark but keep relapsing when life is a little stressful and unbearable, I use gambling as a smoke screen to what is going on in my life at the time, doesn't seem to be a switch to turn off, just turn to it every time and destruct. Yes there is no place for gambling in my life anymore, I just had to hit rock bottom again before I did anything about it. Seeked counselling for it, been to doctors, back on meds, self excluding again only thing I cannot do is hand over wages as I have a £1500 overdraft to clear every month!

Have been gambling since I was 17 now I am 42 in three weeks so back on this forum to help me rack up the days.

Will catch up and read your diary later Paul and offer you some support back fella.

Well done on 35 days btw

Wilsy

Posted on:
Wed, 08/11/2017 - 19:51

sjwsjw

Joined:
2017-10-27

Hello Wilsy

Im 3 sessions into phone counselling with Breakeven, its nice to talk things out.

As for handing over your finances its doesn't have to involve not having your wages paid into your account. I simply handed over my credit + debit card and set a bugdet with the person holding them for food etc that i withdrawl on payday and live off that while my debt's and usual direct debits come out as normal. Only difference is my money is protected and i don't have to look at hundreds of online gambling transactions on my bank statements! I actually got a letter from my bank the other day and wasn't scared to open it, i've ignored bank letters for 8 years!

Keep us updated, put your blocks in place and take it a day at a time, all the best

Posted on:
Wed, 08/11/2017 - 21:32

paulll

Joined:
2009-10-16

 

Hi Wilsy, 

Sounds like you’re making good progress already with arranging the counselling and seeing your doctor. 

Gambling ends in destruction because people like you and I, and many forum members here, can’t control it once we start. I don’t think I’ll ever reach a stage where I am ‘cured’ and will be able to gamble responsibly. I’ve tried many times and the outcome is always the same. Right now I don’t want to return to the bad old days, so it’s all about accepting the situation and avoiding that first bet.

Posted on:
Thu, 09/11/2017 - 09:10

Wilsy

Joined:
2012-02-22

DAY 8

Hi Paul, SJW, thanks for your comments and feedback. I know what I need to do, I have been in this situation many a time, just reject ideas of any gambling of any type. No point in trying to budget there is no money to budget, the debt is so high. Just need to work then go home and get through each day and come pay day, clear overdraft, pay bills and some debts and hand over to parents anything that might be left over for Christmas. There is no formula to beating this illness otherwise a number of us wouldn't be back here, we just have to try our hardest each day to resist the tempting urges and not bloody do it.

Just for today I will not gamble because I am a compulsive gambler.

Posted on:
Thu, 09/11/2017 - 16:01

Forum admin

Joined:
2010-11-01

Hi Wilsy,

Welcome back to the forum, and thanks for taking a brave step to share your story with us.

I’m glad to learn that you’ve abstained for 7 days, and that you’d soon be seeing one of our partner agencies for your 12 sessions of free counselling. That seems like a step in the right direction, and I’ll encourage you to go for it.

 Also feel free to contact our free phone Helpline on: 0808 8020 133, and speak to one of our advisers for further help and support  in case you need to.

Our lines are open every day from 8.00am to midnight. Also try and post as often as you can.

There’s light at the end of the tunnel, so keep up the good work!

Best wishes,

Beatrice

Posted on:
Thu, 09/11/2017 - 16:24

nk001

Joined:
2017-11-03

 

Hi Wilsy 

As a cg myself I have also caused what you call self destruction.  I spent my last 4 years squandering my life savings gambling online. I am now on the road to recovery after hitting rock bottom only 6 days ago. It really is crucial to remember each day the pain of losing when gambling, for the 1% highs there will be 99% lows! I just hope I do not slip back into my old ways and instead of dwindling on my past I want to pave a brighter future, that future starts each and everyday. 

Best wishes to you and keep going in the right direction!

Posted on:
Thu, 09/11/2017 - 16:38

Wilsy

Joined:
2012-02-22

Hi Nk001

thanks for taking the time to comment on my diary, it sounds as if you and I have been pretty destructive with gambling over the years, are both roughly on the same number of non gambling days, and both of us want to be rid of it. I am forever haunted by my actions and losses, I only know that because I have upset and involved my family in the agony and disappointment, everytime I have relapsed. I am very low and fed up right now and it is only 8 days in but hopefully come the Spring and Summer, you and I will be in a much better head space.

Wilsy

Posted on:
Fri, 10/11/2017 - 10:35

Wilsy

Joined:
2012-02-22

DAY 9

Tired, lathargic, uninterested in working today, skint but it could be worse I could be gambling. No interest in gambling whatsoever, my low mood and current predicament is partly to do with gambling so it isn't my friend or go to anymore, I will cope without that distruction in my life.

Just for another day I will not give gambling another penny!

Wilsy.

Posted on:
Mon, 13/11/2017 - 08:43

Wilsy

Joined:
2012-02-22

DAY 12

Had a quiet weekend, watched the whole of series 2 of Stranger Things on Netflix, it's worth a look if any of you want something to take your mind off gambling.

For me I haven't been thinking about gambling at all, I've felt rather depressed reflecting on the financial situation I find myself in and the long road ahead in clearing off my debts. Life is hard for everyone I realise that but when you live with depression like I do, when you find it hard to get out of bed, shave, shower and eat then it is all the harder. Back at work this morning another week ahead and I am tired even though I had about ten hours sleep. 

Just for today I will not gamble because a) I am skint and b) I don't want to gamble

Wilsy

Posted on:
Tue, 14/11/2017 - 09:19

Wilsy

Joined:
2012-02-22

DAY 13

How am I feeling today, well had a phonecall from Break Even last night, got assessed and will start phone counselling very soon as I haven't the money for fuel to travel to meet them in person. This is the situation I am in at the moment, the fuel light is on, I barely have any food and I don't want to keep borrowing off parents as they suffer and the debt just builds. Have the Doctors again on Friday to increase my medication, how I will get to the surgery I don't know, I'll have to ask work if I can have a sub until the end of the month which is always embarrassing.

Feel lonely and issolated, know that I can't plan for the future or consider getting involved with anyone until I am in a better financial position.

Mum's birthday on the 20th, I can't even afford a card let alone a present.

Work has been bareable so far this week although concentration levels are low.

No gambling thoughts whatsoever, I have no intention of spending another penny as it won't do me any favours.

Just for today I will not gamble and tomorrow is another day, I'll tackle it when it comes.

 

Posted on:
Tue, 14/11/2017 - 10:03

duncanmac

Joined:
2012-01-26

Wilsy
Fella this is the fallout of our actions and my advice stand up and take it on the chin.
How far is your gp?? Cycle or walk
Eat beans on toast go to the supermarket just before it closes you will be amazed at what they sell for pennies.
How about you write your mother a letter for her birthday, I know what words mean to parents from both sides of the fence fella.

There is a better way and short term hardship will be something that you have to get through, surely it is the same for every single person who gambles compulsively because we all live by the same mantra.
I CANNOT WIN BECAUSE I CANNOT STOP.

Ask yourself this question
If I had the funds to gamble today would I??
For me the answer for myself was often yes because I was still held by addiction.

Recovering is no easy choice nor can it be one without total commitment and honesty.

Get busy living my friend.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back

Posted on:
Tue, 14/11/2017 - 10:23

Wilsy

Joined:
2012-02-22

Hi Dunc,

you are spot on my lad I'm just using my diary to air what I am thinking this morning. The Doctors is 12 miles away mate, I'll get fuel sorted as it is important I attend. I am already eating on the breadline mate, I'm a hardened pro at survival. I will probably make her a card haha :-).

If I had the funds no I wouldn't gamble as I am done with it.

Thanks Duncan, like many others we use our diaries to air our thoughts and what I wrote this morning was how I was feeling. The early stages of our journies are never easy, been here many times before, main thing is I am trying to make a difference and to change my life for the better.

Abstain and maintain is exactly what I intend to do buddy.

Wilsy stepping forward and never back :-)

 

Posted on:
Tue, 14/11/2017 - 21:04

Shattered79

Joined:
2016-05-14

 

Hi Wilsy

Thanks for your post on my diary  mate. Have just read your diary. Your experience looks very similar to mine. Stopped many a time and then gone back to find in an even deeper hole. Like you have been on meds as well and I know how it is to suffer from depression. It is a good idea therefore to not miss the GP. Just do it. You need all the strength in whatever form at this stage to cope and meds are a vital source of it as they provide the necessary chemicals our brain needs to withstand the depressive condition. Moreso it is important for us in the situation we are in after our gambling.

Hang in there mate, I am trying the same here. Slowly bit by bit we will reclaim our lives back and things will get brighter with time.

You have tons of support here and you are already a shining example of a good person by providing your support to others. 

Cheers

 

Posted on:
Wed, 15/11/2017 - 10:32

Wilsy

Joined:
2012-02-22

DAY 14

Shattered thank you for your support I really do appreciate it and yes bit by bit, we will reclaim back our lives.

So two weeks gamble free today, absolutely no urges at all to gamble as I don't want to and don't even have the funds to consider it.

Had a sleepless night last night with much on my brain. 

Just for another day I decide to stick the middle finger up to gambling, it has no place in my life anymore.

Wilsy

Posted on:
Wed, 15/11/2017 - 11:58

paulll

Joined:
2009-10-16

Hi Wilsy, 

Well done on 14 days. Keep up the fight and things will slowly improve. It might not feel like it, and living one day at a time can be exhausting in my experience, but with a bit of patience things can only get better. 

Posted on:
Wed, 15/11/2017 - 12:30

TheFlagg

Joined:
2017-11-13

Hey Buddy,

Many thanks for the welcome back. I will endevour to catch up properly in the coming days. However, I notice you appear strong in your resolve to stay well away from our demon at the moment.

It is always refreshing to read this determination. The other areas of life will improve, the fuel light will be rectified, there are birthdays every year, and work will remain. The key to it all is staying away from gambling. If you can maintain that focus the rest will follow. We have both been around long enough to know that the theory works. We just have to apply the practice.

I intend to be here for a long long time and I will look out for you as I once did before.

Be kind to yourself mate.

Flagg

Posted on:
Thu, 16/11/2017 - 10:46

Wilsy

Joined:
2012-02-22

DAY 15

Flagg thanks for your post will catch up with you soon fella.

Today I am not feeling well or that great mentally but I know that for another day, gambling no longer has a place in my life.

For today I will abstain.

Wilsy

Posted on:
Fri, 17/11/2017 - 12:00

Wilsy

Joined:
2012-02-22

DAY 16

battling my brain and depression at the moment, barely able to put one foot in front of the other and forced myself to come into work two hours late after a restless night and sickness. Struggling mentally but am getting the support from all sides thankfully. No urges what so ever to gamble, it has caused me too much pain and suffering, what I need to do right now is somehow stop this gradual break down I am having and stop the brain from thinking.

Just for today I will not gamble as it again has no place in my life.

 

Posted on:
Mon, 20/11/2017 - 09:01

Wilsy

Joined:
2012-02-22

DAY 19

Weekend passed by without a single thought of gambling. Spent weekend with my mum, got feed and looked after which is what I really needed, it was nice to have the company and to watch Neflix. Increased my meds so hopefully they will kick in properly and have worked out my debt for the months ahead, I am determined to clear what I can and leave myself with very littlle avoiding temptation.

Just for another day I will not wager another penny.

Posted on:
Tue, 21/11/2017 - 09:13

Wilsy

Joined:
2012-02-22

DAY 20

Feeling fine about things today, no urges whatsover and am looking ahead. Still mentally exhausted and know I have a long, boring road ahead of me but it will all get easier and if I put the hard work in now, who knows, I might one day find myself in a position, where I can start living a reasonably normal life.

Just for another day I will not waste my time thinking about gambling.

 

Posted on:
Tue, 21/11/2017 - 09:41

Muststop123

Joined:
2017-10-03

Hi Wilsy

Congratulations on the 20 days and great to hear no urges.

Just keep reminding yourself what you have said in your diary that gambling only has negative impacts on your life so don't let it damage your future.

Keep it up and here is to the next 20 days, one day at a time.

Muststop123

Posted on:
Tue, 21/11/2017 - 11:04

S_J_B

Joined:
2013-05-25

Happy 20th Wilsy ☺

One day at a time indeed...baby steps

S&B xx

Posted on:
Wed, 22/11/2017 - 12:08

Wilsy

Joined:
2012-02-22

DAY 21

No urges or thoughts of gambling, more thoughts of including a new debt onto my existing Debt Management plan. Medication has kicked in and seems to be numbing my thoughts but they are making me drowsy, apart from that I am okay.

Just for another day I will remain focused on my goal which is to start living a gamble free life!

 

Posted on:
Thu, 23/11/2017 - 09:00

Wilsy

Joined:
2012-02-22

DAY 22

Feeling free of any urges, I'm pretty determined with this now.

Absolutely shattered though, these meds seem to really know the stuffing out of me, always a real mission getting out of bed in the mornings. Not feeling as depressed as I did so they have taken the edge of that, still have no motivation to do much though which is still a concern but it is winter after all.

Finances are very strained but lucky I have a loving supportive family to make sure I have food in my tummy, just feel sad I have to involve them but moving forward, I can do this for them and myself and show them that I want a better life for myself.

Just for another day I will not contemplate wagering another penny on gambling.

Posted on:
Fri, 24/11/2017 - 09:12

Wilsy

Joined:
2012-02-22

DAY 23

Tired and limping my way to the end of the month. Have decided today to drop back down to 20ml antidepressants this morning as 40ml isn't agreeing with me, too many side effects. I appreciate I need the medication but the side effects I always get is rather annoying.

No gambling urges. Not looking forward to the weekend, have stayed round mums the last three weekends but this weekend I don't want to ask as they probably want some time to themselves. I have no food in, no petrol and the thought of not seeing anyone or going anywhere isn't much fun. Being skint I haven't made my debts much worse (only borrowed £25 a week) so I'm kind of waiting until I am paid on the 30th, so I can sit down and pay back or distribute monies to family who have helped me. Problem with being 1500 overdrawn is that my wages could all be paid out and I'll be back to being £1500 overdrawn again and will get charged £26 interest for being so. 

Just for today I will refrain from any gambling activities and start working towards a brighter future for myself. Things will improve and get easier all the time I stay on the straight and narrow.

 

Posted on:
Mon, 27/11/2017 - 11:46

Wilsy

Joined:
2012-02-22

DAY 26

Had a rubbish Saturday but went to see my parents yesterday which was a relief. I get very low and bored when I am by myself and right now my anxiety is extremely high for reasons I don't want to go into.

No gambling urges at all. Two of my best friends lost over £340 and £500 over the weekend which reminded me again how destructive it is to wager just one bet because it never is just one bet. I feel sorry for them both but they are so heavily involved at present, no matter what I say to them about stopping, they are way too deep.

Birthday tomorrow which I am not looking forward to as i have nothing planned and nobody to spend it with and Christmas is fast approaching which is also a difficult time of the year so all in all I am not feeling very happy but I am happy I am not gambling.

Just for today I will just plod on.

Posted on:
Mon, 27/11/2017 - 12:09

paulll

Joined:
2009-10-16

Hi Wilsy, 

Glad you managed to negotiate the weekend, it’s often the hardest  part of the week for many. 

Can you not go and see your parents tomorrow on your birthday? I rang my mum this morning, which I had to build myself up to do, but felt better afterwards. 

Hang in there and remember that if things feel bad now, gambling again will just make matters worse. 

Posted on:
Mon, 27/11/2017 - 12:44

Muststop123

Joined:
2017-10-03

Hi Wilsy

Sorry you are feeling low. Keep focusing on the positive of those 26 days GF which is building up nicely.

Keep posting.

Muststop123

Posted on:
Mon, 27/11/2017 - 13:16

Wilsy

Joined:
2012-02-22

Thanks Paul and Must Stop. I'm just feeling personally low right now often do around my Birthday and Christmas as I am very lonely and work is a struggle. I will of course focus on my GF days, I am very determined and positive in that aspect.

Thanks for your support

Posted on:
Mon, 27/11/2017 - 23:01

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

'Happy Birthday to you, Happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Wilsy, happy birthday to you'

I know I'm a couple of hours early but I won't have time to write in morning.
Wishing you a wonderful day.
Don't be lonely. Remember we're all in this together, walking side by side. Enjoy!x

Posted on:
Tue, 28/11/2017 - 10:55

Wilsy

Joined:
2012-02-22

DAY 27

Ha ha thanks Little Miss Lot, 42 today, feeling happier, it's amazing what a new jumper and toiletries brighten up someones day! I'm being bombarded with well wishers on my facebook, makes me humbled to know how many good friends I actually have and who really cares. Today I have a half day and am heading to my mums for a bite to eat and to watch the football tonight, main thing is that I don't spend it on my own.

No gambling urges whatsoever and my guard will always stay up.

Just for today as it is my birthday I will smile and try enjoy myself! xx

Posted on:
Tue, 28/11/2017 - 12:32

Muststop123

Joined:
2017-10-03

Happy Birthday Wilsy!!

So you have friends who care about you, a family supporting you and you are not gambling. I'd say you have quite a lot to smile about.

Have a great day.

Posted on:
Wed, 29/11/2017 - 09:40

Wilsy

Joined:
2012-02-22

DAY 28

Thanks Must Stop, yes I realised yesterday how many good friends I have who care about me by all the best wishes messages I received on facebook, made me feel happy. Had a lovely Birthday, just took half the day off and went and spent time with my family, watched the football and had a lovely curry.

Today I am adament more than ever to continue my recovery and change my life forever. I get paid tomorrow and am looking forward to paying my debts and family back and it doesn't bother me if I leave myself with virtually nothing as I know I will be supported if I run out and need petrol or food later in the month.

Have no urges whatsoever to gamble but will remain on guard, not for a second will I consider wagering another penny and I know I have people to call if I feel weak.

Just for another day I will try and live my life normally away from the stress and devastation that gambling brings.

My name is Andrew Wilson I am a compulsive gambler, I didn't choose to be this way but I will accept it and live with it.

Wilsy stepping forward and never back.

Posted on:
Thu, 30/11/2017 - 09:42

Wilsy

Joined:
2012-02-22

DAY 29

Pay day and on guard but feeling fine, no urges. Have actually enjoyed paying some debts back this morning, pay out as much as I can to family and friends who have helped me, it feels satisfying. Difficult being deep into my overdraft hours after being paid but that is life, deal with it.

Doctors at 4.15 today.

Just for another day I have absolutely no interest in gambling because I want a better life. 

Posted on:
Thu, 30/11/2017 - 10:14

Joanne Isla

Joined:
2017-10-17

Well done Wilsy!   I get paid tomorrow so I'm going to do the same, the less money I have at my disposal the better.   You're doing great, best wishes, Joanne

Posted on:
Thu, 30/11/2017 - 13:52

paulll

Joined:
2009-10-16

Well done Wilsy. You are doing great. Hope you get on ok at doctors later. 

Posted on:
Fri, 01/12/2017 - 09:38

Wilsy

Joined:
2012-02-22

DAY 30 

Thanks Joanne Isla and Paul for your support. 

Day 30 today and no urges, survived payday and still on guard. Have pretty much paid out everything I needed to apart from my rent which is due on the 21st. Unfortunately had to tax my car today and lost my documentation so had to pay £132 for six months tax and pay another £25 for new paperwork to be sent through so this was unaccounted for as I wanted to set up direct debit payments and that idea went out the window when I couldn't find what I needed last night. I now have £50 to last the month so I am sort of screwed but at least I haven't gambled a penny and I'm sure I'll get some help later in the month when I need some fuel and food. Won't be able to buy any Christmas presents for anyone but at least my parents can see I am trying, I have sent them pictures of all receipts and emailed them copies of my bank transactions daily, so they can see I am not gambling. 

Doctors went fine, I don't need to go back for three months. The medication is taking the edge off my depression, I am feeling more positive about my situation and where I need to get to and they have said as long as I keep away from gambling, my situation will get better which I know. 

Looking forward to breaking up for the year and can't help but think I just want the next payday to come so I can pay out more and reduce further my debts.

My overdraft is an issue I would like to get rid of it but cannot. Step Change could add it to my existing debt management plan but that would mean I lose my bank account and I can't be dealing with the agro. For now it will have to remain maxed out and I'll pay the £26 interest each month, there isn't another way around it.

Might ask mum if can go over hers again this weekend to watch the football and watch El Chapo on Netflix which I recomend to anyone who liked Narko's. My place is a right tip so tonight I am going to try to takle my washing up which is everywhere, I haven't a clean plate in site.

My name is Andrew Wilson, I suffer with a gambling addiction/illness and for another day I will not entertain for one second the thought of wasting my money and I can't win because I can't stop.

 

 

 

Posted on:
Fri, 01/12/2017 - 20:20

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

You're doing great Andrew. Keep it going and your life can only improve. I bet your family are loving the new you! X

Posted on:
Fri, 01/12/2017 - 20:45

S_J_B

Joined:
2013-05-25

Nice one Andrew ☺

Keep on keeping on! It will keep getting better!

S&B xx

Posted on:
Mon, 04/12/2017 - 08:44

Wilsy

Joined:
2012-02-22

DAY 33

Thanks Little Miss Lot and S_J_B for your support, my family have hardly seen me so I can't tell if they love the new Andrew or not, I think they are more nervous than anything.

Well another weekend passed the test, apart from getting myself a chinese, **** and some much needed razor blades on Friday, I didn't spend a penny over the weekend, I didn't even go out. Having no urges whatsoever but I know they will surface at some point. Back at work for another week, I already feel ready for holiday season, this year has been very long and tiring. Going to get my hair cut after work it has been about 2 months, I might feel more myself then. Medication working, not feeling as depressed but I suppose the 'not losing money' on a daily basis also contributes to my upturn in mood.

Hope everyone has a safe and content week.

Just for another day gambling doesn't have a part in my life as I won't let it!

 

Posted on:
Tue, 05/12/2017 - 09:16

Wilsy

Joined:
2012-02-22

DAY 34

Just plodding along. Have a few friends that are messaging me constantly at the moment about how much they are losing, how on their arses they are, how they are borrowing to please their urges and I've had to block one of them as I am really not interested. Don't get me wrong I was in their position over a month ago, desperately chasing and being destructive but when I am trying my best to abstain, I really don't need them talking to me about their losses every day. It is a stark reminder that you really do have to hit rock bottom before giving up which these guys haven't hit yet and no matter the amount of encouragement I give them to try and stop, they won't listen. I am not concerning myself with them anymore, my priority is myself and making a better future for myself.

Just for another day I have no interest in having a bet, I have no urges and that's how I want it to remain. Always on guard and eyes are open.

Wilsy stepping forward and never back.

Posted on:
Tue, 05/12/2017 - 17:32

sjwsjw

Joined:
2017-10-27

Makes a lot of sense to do that Wilsy. Enjoying reading your diary. I don't often post but im reading it. All the best mate.

Posted on:
Tue, 05/12/2017 - 20:05

breakfree

Joined:
2011-01-01

Just had a quick read of your diary, you've made a great start in your recovery.
Be proud of what you have already achieved(34 days GF)and remain on the right path.
Keep going Wilsy.
Breakfree

Posted on:
Tue, 05/12/2017 - 20:24

Sars27

Joined:
2017-06-02

Well done for abstaining Wilsy , you’re doing great ! Just keep swimming the Pacific Ocean . There’s no turning back now . Happy days :) 

Sars

Posted on:
Wed, 06/12/2017 - 09:44

Wilsy

Joined:
2012-02-22

DAY 35

Thank you SjwSjw, Breakfree and Sars27 for your support and comments.

Today I woke up feeling very, very sleepy, I actually felt dizzy and it took a long while to wake up and find balance on my feet. Sometimes I sleep very heavy but I always wake up around 4.30 am and it can effect how I feel when I wake up, I also believe I get most of my side effects from my anti-depressants in the morning and I settle down throughout the rest of the day.

I am feeling a little low and sad today. I am not a Christmas person, I am alone and have no children so it is a particularly lonely time. I cannot anticipate day by day how I am going to feel when I open my eyes as depression doesn't allow you to decide which days you feel normal and which days you feel numb and paralysed. I know I need to keep an eye on my moods in the lead up to Christmas as with each passing day, it will get harder. 

I have no urges to gamble whatsoever, the fact that my friends are self-destructing just before Christmas puts me right off. I have £386 to last me the month and I have rent to pay on the 21st of December which is £480. Now normally I would be thinking I have to gamble (I have no choice), to make another £100+ so I can pay my rent and eat but this time round I am telling myself, 'No you don't need to gamble Wilsy', as long a mum sees my bank transactions and receipts she'll see I am not gambling and she will help me with the extra needed to make sure my rent is paid, then I can pay her back out of December's salary. It's going to be a difficult hard road on my salary which is only £21K a year and I will need support from family as my debts are crippling but manageable. As long as family can see I am trying my hardest, I am sure they will lend me small amounts to get me by.

Work is okay, slowing down now for Christmas so it is hard to remain motivated, I often find myself reading other peoples diaries for inspiration to get me through.

Anyway I am waffling now, the anxiety is increasing so I'll stop here but one thing is for certain, I will not gamble today, I will instead work, go to the shops to get washing powder and food, then go home and get into bed. My life is already improving day by day that I don't waste another penny but I do still need those dreaded cigarettes which are a waste of money, I can't quite give up two bad habits at the same time sadly.

Just for another day, I am a compulsive gambler and I will not be drawn to the table to play with the devil. I decide today to abstain to give myself the best chance of a happier future. I am a good human being and I deserve as much happiness as anyone else and I will not beat myself up or blame myself for the way my brain is wired.

 

Posted on:
Wed, 06/12/2017 - 11:56

paulll

Joined:
2009-10-16

Hi Wilsy, 

Great post. Even though you are feeling down today you can still see some positives, and you are strong enough to realise that gambling is not the answer to making sure your rent is paid. My last blowout was because I was panicking that I didn’t have enough money to go on a stag do.  I only needed a couple of hundred quid, but because I gambled I emptied my overdraft of £750! If I’d just asked family to help me out they would have done, but I stupidly thought a return to gambling was the answer to my problem. 

Posted on:
Wed, 06/12/2017 - 12:08

Wilsy

Joined:
2012-02-22

Hi Paul, thanks for your post. Exactly the same with me in the past I used to believe I had no choice but to gamble and I used to lose everything. This time around I know that isn't the answer, my family will know I am short, I will have proof to show them why I am short and it won't be because of gambling. I am sure they will help me with the rent, it's the £8 every couple of days towards **** that they will now want me to give up, I just can't at the moment as my life is so boring looking at 4 walls every night and not doing much.

Posted on:
Thu, 07/12/2017 - 09:03

Wilsy

Joined:
2012-02-22

DAY 36

Well how do I feel this morning......... tired, no urges to gamble, still need my cigarettes, when I run out for a moment I say to myself that I will not buy anymore then an hour later I buy a packet. The expense of cigarettes is crippling but the need to have some is too strong, this is an addiction I will have to face head on in the new year. 

Christmas is fast approaching, how do I feel about that, well I cannot wait until the 22nd when it will be my last day at work but I am also nervous about being alone for most of the duration and not having a partner to share Christmas with will be hard as I had a lovely Christmas last year with my ex. For me it's going to have to be a matter of turning my brain off. Try and watch as much football as I can, spend time with family and sleep. I must be on guard and not let depression take a stronger hold, it's not an easy time for anyone Christmas and New Year, there are people that have lost their parents or loved ones and I'm just complaining about being on my own. I will think of all those people that are much worse off than me or have lost loved ones and that will hopefully make me feel a little better about my own position. Every battle is individual to that person, I will just try my upmost to remain gamble free, remain true to myself, friends and family and just recharge the batteries.

Just for the next 24 hours I will numb my brain and refrain from any betting activities for the benefit of a better and brighter future.

 

Posted on:
Fri, 08/12/2017 - 10:06

Wilsy

Joined:
2012-02-22

DAY 37

It's Friday at last and it's bloody freezing. Not very motivated at work today, I am just tired and want to be at home. Going to a football match tomorrow which I am looking forward to. I am a season ticket holder and have been selling my seat over the last few months to survive. Now I feel ready to venture back and enjoy myself. Money is slowly ebbing away, always seems to be something I need to by and today I need to pay for my meds, washing tablets and more food, tomorrow petrol money to London and back then same again on Tuesday night but at least I'm not gambling and have no urges to either.

Just for another day I intend to live a normal life without losing any money.

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