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Am I going crazy?

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#1 Posted on:
Mon, 11/06/2018 - 22:10

Jodcon2006

Joined:
2018-06-11

My partner of 4 years and father to our child aged 2 has gambled at least 30k in 6 months, aided by credit and loans from family.
He has told me he has done this for 20 years but didnt have a problem, it just spiralled and he learned his lesson. He was very apologetic and promised he wouldnt do it again.
A year down the line he is still at it. Im pretty sure he's paying the mortgage, bills and minimum payments on everything. Everything is in his name and I pay for food and childcare.
He will not show me any form of statements to reassure me about the level of debt or that bills are being paid.
Im very scared about our future security. I am more worried about all the **** that comes with it. He is making me feel crazy and blames everything on me, he is saying very hurtful things and gets very annoyed at simple suggestions. Tonight I suggested we put £100 a month each into a 'family pot' that would enable us to have fun days out. His reaction was unbelievable, causing a huge argument and him having very unrational arguments with me.
I hate how he deflects all the blame on me. I love him, he is a loving and very hands on dad. I dont want him to destroy our family but is a million miles away from even acknowledging he has a problem.
This is devastating me and it will be very hard to leave. I really dont know what to do anymore. I am starting counselling this week from gamanon.
I wish he would understand how devastated he is making me.

Posted on:
Mon, 11/06/2018 - 22:41

Worriedandwornout

Joined:
2018-06-10

Hi jodcon, I feel your pain, my partner can be that way with me with any thing concerning money, and is generally more hateful towards me if he's lost money that he then lies about. I often wonder if he has any idea how his actions are affecting me, because surely if he did he wouldn't act that way. I have learnt that the isn't the case, and like you I am the one now who needs help. You are doing the right thing getting help for yourself, until he admits he needs help himself you need to look after you and your little one. X

Posted on:
Tue, 12/06/2018 - 07:37

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

Hi jodcon no you're not crazy. A gambler blames everyone but themselves. They don't want to spend money on anything other than gambling. He may have huge debts that you know nothing about. It's not a good idea to rely on a cg to pay the bills. I did that, thankfully he always paid the mortgage and because he had a great job he could get many many loans. There have to be limits to what you are willing to put up with. It's not unreasonable to want to know what is going on to reassure you. A normal person would want you to feel safe and secure, trust them. But this isn't normal. He's moody and angry because he's gambling, a row is a perfect excuse to go back and gamble a bit more regardless of win or lose. So you have to safeguard you, no bailouts, secure your finances. Get help from gamcare, they offer counselling. Find a gamanon meeting. You can't make them stop but you can let them know you're getting help, getting strong and don't want to live like this. Don't hide from this, don't ignore it, don't expect him to stop. Get help for you, the only person you can change is you.

Posted on:
Tue, 12/06/2018 - 10:31

Lethe

Joined:
2016-12-10

A CG who doesn't want to stop can and will drag everyone around down with them. You're not asking for anything unreasonable but you're up against the insanity of the addiction and you won't make any headway until he wants to stop for himself. 

Learn everything you can about the addiction and look for support for yourself wherever you feel you need to and can. You don't have to keep his secrets from anybody if telling helps you. Put your own and the baby's interests first and think hard about how you want to live and what you want need and deserve from a partner. Unless and until he wants to give up he won't be able to provide it.

Posted on:
Tue, 12/06/2018 - 11:52

Compulsive Gambler

Joined:
Before 2009

As the addicted gambler, I am sure my reactions to financial questions were very bad as well, hopefully without shouting and being aggresive but certainly lots of deflection and non-answering.

Even in my worst moments, I always wanted to be called out, properly. I wanted someone with strength around me to not listen to a word I was saying but instead look at proof.

I am not for one second saying this is your fault,not at all.  Im just trying to reinforce the wonderful wording of Lethe above, 'the insanity of addiction'.  It's horrible, it really is.  You do need to prioritise yourself and your little one though.  Personally, in hindsight from a gamblers perspective I wish I had had to face the consequences of my actions much earlier than I did.

I am truly grateful for my sister finding such strength, when she did to not be taken in by my words. She listened when I said I had an addiction, she has loved and supported me but not once, since last April has she believed a word I have said, wihout seeing proof.

I also totally echo the words above, I said for almost 20 years I wanted to stop gambling yet I never did. I was caught out many times and always got my way out, even with threats of suicide etc, I never really put all my cards on the table though (terrible analogy) I never wrote down every log in and password I have and gave it to someone else. I never took actual steps towards proper help. I always kept something hidden.

There is now no question I wont answer to those around me

I wish you well, this is not your fault and you don't deserve it.

I hope your find peace and happiness soon

Posted on:
Tue, 12/06/2018 - 21:17

LLMA81

Joined:
2018-06-12

hello!

the worst thing you can do is blame yourself. in my opinion gambling is a mental health problem that has little achknowledgement in society, addiction will always be a touchy subject and people often do not know how to overcome it.  i think that the person needs to realise that they have a problem and they must accept the problem in order to solve it. however, as  previously stated, i believe it is a mental health issue and needs to be treated that way. you have begun to seek help by reaching out to online forums, next you need to get your relative involved- although it may be difficult . mental health issues can be treated with biological treatments such as specific drugs but the drugs need to be given alongside therapy such as CBT , i.e. changing the maladaptive thinking person has. Another good way to try and help the person is to find them an activity to do as an alternative to gambling that can have rewards too such as volunteering in the community or even finding a new hobby such as gardening.  I understand that it is easier said than done trying to seek help but i thinking looking at the options available, looking positivley to the future and reaching out for medical advice from the gp is the best way to start.