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All I can do is hope

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#1 Posted on:
Sun, 05/11/2017 - 08:03

Letshope

Joined:
2017-10-30

Hi all,

I am the partner of a CG, we have been together for 18 months. He has been gambling for many years, through two past long term relationships.

When we met I had no idea he had a gambling addiction. It was after four months that i found out.
I was really angry that he'd started this new relationship with me knowing he had this problem. He told me he didn't think he had an issue with it.

My first dilemma was should I end this here and now and listen to my head, or give this lovely man a chance and listen to my heart (without the gambling he is a truly amazing man) My heart won. I was eager to tell his parents as in the past he would go to them for money if he was short, they were completely oblivious to his addiction.

At this point i must stress how naive i was to helping a CG. Because of all the lying, deceit, & distrust I made him
change his mobile number twice to get rid of his old gambling contacts, removed himself off social media, give me his online bank login (reluctantly) and i used to check the account regularly, he also sort professional counselling. All seemed good.

We are now 18 month into our relationship. He proposed to me six weeks ago with a beautiful diamond ring on our first holiday together, i was over the moon and said yes!!!!

Two weeks ago BOOM!!!!!

I checked his bank account following suspicious behaviour. I hadn't done this in a while, only to find he had been gambling again for the last five months. I was devastated, angry, frustrated, & very upset.

I own my own home, i have sacrifice alot in life to be in my financial position and i can't let this be put in jeopardy.

He is now staying at his parents, this was his choice as i believe they give him an easy time. He has taken actions to get professional help with counselling still, GA meeting and also using Gamcare which i am proud of him for doing. He tells me he has been GF for 15 days i think?

He tells me he want us to get back together and grow old together, he loves me more than anything and would die for me. He wants my support and help which i am trying to give him.

I have spent hours reading these forums from both sides of the coin as all knowledge is good knowledge. Since being at his parent i checked his bank and seen he had taken out a payday loan, he did trandfer most of the funds to his mums account, however, due to the distrust and previous lying i asked him about it. He said he had done it to help his parents financially as they were struggling (he did prove this with a letter from the bank) since then in temper he has changed his account login so i can't access it and check it.
It seem paramount that the CG hands all of their financial responsibility over as a big part of the recovery, he is not ready to do this and gives every reason not to do it. I feel we can't move forward until he is ready to do this. I know it has to come from him for it to work.

All I can do is live in hope!!!!

Thank you for reading & all advice and guidance welcome.

Take care and stay GF xx

Posted on:
Sun, 05/11/2017 - 08:58

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

Hi let's hope! In my experience hope never got me anywhere. You've got to be tough, set boundaries, rules. You've got a lot to lose. Payday loans are very expensive and very suspicious, why can't he get a loan from the bank? Did you talk to his parents? He's probably borrowed from them in the past. You can call gamcare get some advice or go to a gamanon meeting. This is forever, they don't get better, you can't fix them. They have to actively seek support and stop. If you continue you have to decide what you want. I have financial control of salary and accounts, but I'm also under no illusion that if he wanted to go and open a new account and 'go' again he would. If they don't want to stop they won't. Unfortunately they can't stop and it takes being found out or complete desperation to confess. It sounds like he's hiding round his mum's. GA would recommend handing over finance and being open. I talk about control in my diary, it's all about damage limitation and he's controlling the situation by leaving, changing passwords, telling you what you want to hear. He'd die for you but won't let you see his bank account? The only thing that needs to come from him is truth, complete transparency. You are only responsible for yourself, so you have to decide, don't wait for him to make those decisions for you. Take control. What are you hoping for? He's hoping you'll forgive him, you'll miss him. I wish you luck!

Posted on:
Sun, 05/11/2017 - 09:08

Nomore

Joined:
2017-10-31

Hi Letshope

I am sorry you are here. I am quite new to dealing with the whole cg thing. I'm in similar circumstances to you at the moment.

Others may correct me however I believe the most important thing here is what do you want for yourself and from a relationship? What makes you happy? What keeps your self esteem intact? Is your relationship based on love, trust and mutual respect? You are important!

Deceit and lies are a real sucker punch and they hurt...a lot. Only you can decide what you want to do. Take your time to read up on cg and then consider your options carefully.

Put your own needs first then you can think about your relationship.

If he wants to recover he must help himself, get counselling, attend a GA group, self exclude etc. Then you could consider supporting him through a life time of recovery. That would mean him handing over control of all his finances, bank details etc. for you to manage providing you want to do this.

I think we can question ourselves when we have invested so much in what we think is a healthy relationship only to have it crash down around us, we think it's wrong to walk away, when you love someone, we sometimes think we should always support and help them which frequently results in us enabling them in their addiction, no matter what the physical, mental or emotional cost to ourselves is.

Supporting someone with an addiction is different. They must want to recover, you cannot make them recover. You cannot trust them with money.

I wouldnt rush into marriage or having him back in the home. Perhaps you can consider working on the relationship with the current living arrangements in place if he seeks help and is actively helping himself because he wants to and not because he knows it's what you want to hear.

I could ramble on however my point is put yourself first. It's not selfish its self-care.

Take care and look after yourself x

Posted on:
Sun, 05/11/2017 - 09:34

Letshope

Joined:
2017-10-30

Wow!!!!
Merry go round you are so right and to read it from someone who has gone through this helps more than you would know.

He didn't go to the bank because he's got bad credit. He hasn't to my knowledge run up masses amounts of debt but he has previously borrowed a lot from his parents.
I did speak to his mum & she confirmed the loan was for her, however, she would cover for him no matter what.
To hear you say this is forever scares the hell out of me, i understand that he will always have temptations but the thought of not living a "normal" (whats normal) life is something i seriously need to think about.
I am a strong person, however a total optimist but truth be told he isn't being open or transparent at the moment which only leads me to believe he isn't ready to give up and only telling what i need to hear to gain favour like you said.
I have a great network of family & friends who help but i think it's a great idea that i go to gamanon meeting too.
I will read your diary as I think it will help me process this.
I haven't forgiven him but i do miss him, he is a lovely man under all this.
I have taken control in many aspects mostly to protect myself and he doesn't like it.
Thank you for your wise words they are very, very much appreciated.

Posted on:
Sun, 05/11/2017 - 09:58

Cynical wife

Joined:
2015-06-23

Morning,

I would go further and question your perception of exactly what sort of a person your OH really is. My experience is that I was deceived, blamed, manipulated and generally betrayed during the gambling years. Ditto the children. None of which are unique to me and none of which are the actions of a truly good and lovely person with the best interest of the family deep in his heart. 

Your OH has lied to you and taken family money behind your back for his own purposes. His parents are helping him. Why is this good enough for you? What exactly do you expect of a life partner? Honesty? Respect? Similar goals and values? Are you getting any of this? Or do you want someone chaotic to fix with your love? And if so, why? And is it working?

I’m not seeking to be nasty but if you want your life to be the best it can be, waiting/hoping for an addict to cop on isn’t it. 

You didn’t Cause the gambling, you can’t Control the gambling and you can’t Cure the gambling. His addiction is not yours to fix. But if you can look at some hard questions about you, if you can accept the reality of your situation, you can start to help you. Try GamAnon, try looking at relationship literature (Robin Norwood, “Women who Love too Much” is a real eye opener and for me, a life saver).

Move the focus onto you. Take care.

CW

Posted on:
Sun, 05/11/2017 - 10:29

Letshope

Joined:
2017-10-30

Nomore,
I am so sorry to read you are in a similar situation to me, but in essence that is what the forums are for.
Thank you for putting those questions to me it is all food for thought.
I really do need to ask myself what do I really want and to start putting me first.
The responses to my post have been a light bulb moment.
Thank you for taking the time and giving your support.

Posted on:
Sun, 05/11/2017 - 10:47

Letshope

Joined:
2017-10-30

CW,
I do get everything you are saying and thank you for pointing these things out.
I know I can't fix him and i am not trying to and I know he has done more than enough damage to our relationship for me to walk away with a clear conscience.
I am determined not to allow what he's done change me from the person i am into a bitter, hate driven woman.
He has the offer of my friendship and support as I believe he is a nice person deep down, thats not justifying his actions over the past 15 + years to friends, and family haven't been disgraceful because they have.
Thank you for giving me a reality check.