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3rd time- need advice

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#1 Posted on:
Fri, 03/11/2017 - 19:17

Va

Joined:
2016-12-30

Hi just wanted some advice little lost at to what to do and think 

 

My husband has had a gambling problem for sometime he did get some help to stop gambling - he lasts about a year but ends up going back to it - just found out it's happened again a 3rd time 

What makes me angry is the gambling sites- he banned himself but apparently it's only for a year- or is he lying to me? The gambling site email him a year later and say o your account is open again and that's where it begins! I hate the gambling companies do this it's obvious why accounts are closed or why people ban themselves!

What upsets me more is I'm 10 weeks pregnant I've been planning our finances ready for our new arrival I talk to him about it all and all the while he was gambling - I'm so upset I'm suppose to rely on him when I'm off work and I plan to go back part time

I did have control of his money before but after a while I just didn't get check his online banking got abit much going in every month as well as normal life things to do- now I will never ever give back the control but this doesn't solve the issue of why he gambles!

Our money is separate we have a joint savings account but I have access he don't - he got out loans and done it all behind my back. If he already been to gamcare before I don't know what else he can do ??? I asked him does he not think about the triggers and what the councelling told him to do he just said he don't know why or why he don't think about it 

The gambling is all centred around football- is there a way to stop football sites or gambling sites like a parental control type?

If he already been to gamecare and no change what other help is there for him????

I just don't see how he will ever stop which makes me question can I stick around!

 

 

 

Posted on:
Fri, 03/11/2017 - 21:02

sjwsjw

Joined:
2017-10-27

Hello Va,

Sorry to hear your husband is struggling with this addiction. Im still early in my "recovery" (although i know this is a life long issue). We are only ever one bet away from disaster. As addicts we cannot gamble responsibly so we have to stop, end of.

I myself have had problems with gambling online (sports betting). I was able to self exclude for a maximum 5 years on MOST sites. I also had to phone them to reopen accounts that i blocked for any time over 6 months. I have since heard on here that it is possible to close an online account outright with the right email to the sites regarding responsible gambling issues. This is obviously a great place to start, block every account. However, online is a dangerous place for us compulsive gamblers, there is always a new site we can find should we choose to go there.

You can get blocking software for gambling sites for both PC and mobile devices and these are very useful. Most internet providers will also allow you to add parental controls but you may find this will also block things you don't want to be blocked.

If he has managed a year he can continue. He has to be aware and fully honest. It would still help him to continue to seek help no matter how far away from his last bet. It doesn't have to be as intense later as it starts off as, just a reminder of who he is and what has and can happen again.

As for money, i myself know i cannot be trusted with money and i have handed over full control of that and it really is a massive weight off my mind as it takes away my ability and my addiction knows its being blocked. I understand there can be issues when handling someone else's finances but if he wants to stop he should respect you for controlling this for him and if you can do that, great.

Ultimately he has to want to do this. You can only support someone who is willing to help themselves and do what is necessary to beat this addiction, one day at a time.

Hope that helps a little

Posted on:
Fri, 03/11/2017 - 22:56

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

Hi va you have to take control of finance forever. Salary paid direct to you if he agrees. Nothing joint. He can get help again from gamcare, this forum or online chat , counselling. He can go to GA. You can get help and advice too. Gamanon meeting if one near. They are online on Sunday evenings, check website. You need to look after yourself and safeguard your money. There is software to download onto gadgets, internet provider as sjwsjw said. He can help with all this, it's part of his commitment to stopping. Don't let him set passwords. only give him cash for necessities and always get a receipt. It's annoying but it works. His priority should be stopping, showing you he is sorting his debt and self exclusion. He should be wanting to do whatever it takes to stop. Good luck, keep posting!

Posted on:
Sat, 04/11/2017 - 17:43

Cynical wife

Joined:
2015-06-23

You’re looking for the magic bullet that doesn’t exist: the secret formula for making an addict stop using so that you can all live happily ever after. It’s a fiction, like ghosts or the Loch Ness monster. It doesn’t exist.

In real life, the advice on offer is the exactly same as last time and the time before that: you can’t make him do anything. He is a compulsive gambler and there may be quite a lot that he can do to address his problems but there’s nothing you can do to stop him gambling. He can get around blocks if he wants to, he’ll keep on lying to you if he wants to.

In real life, the advice remains for you to stop trying to control the uncontrollable and start focusing on yourself. Stop fixing him - you can’t and start looking at you. Why are you now deeper into this relationship, knowing full well of his problems? Because doing that also hasn’t fixed him. Why are you comfortable with an addict who is practicing and therefore not there for you. 

Go to GamAnon and or CoDA and if he’s also drinking, Al-Anon. Get help for you to identify and cope with your problems - the environment that you’re living in and what drives you towards it. 

Look after you. He’s an adult and if wants to fix himself, he’s capable. If he doesn’t want to, it’s not helpful to make that your problem. 

CW 

Posted on:
Sat, 04/11/2017 - 21:53

Lethe

Joined:
2016-12-10

Don't look to any gambling operator for help. It's not going to happen. That said he's not helpless in the face of this, he just doesn't want to stop. 

Think about what you (and now the forthcoming baby) want, need and deserve from a partner/parent. All the time he won't do all it takes to arrest his addiction you are the only one who will.