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New Beginning.

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#1 Posted on:
Thu, 16/11/2017 - 17:41

Abstainer

Joined:
2017-05-10

Sadly I gambled this afternoon on fobt machines in the bookies.

Full of regret but make no excuses. Apologies for betraying those who have helped me on my journey.

I managed half a year so hopefully I can now improve on that.

Posted on:
Thu, 16/11/2017 - 17:49

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

Just thinking about you, was worried as your diary didn't seem yourself. Honesty is the best way. I hope you're ok. When's your meeting? What's done is done. 

Posted on:
Thu, 16/11/2017 - 17:55

chartom3

Joined:
2015-03-11

Sorry to hear this , but hey we are only human after all.... you done great to go 6 months gf and have admitted your mistake and are ready to start again, right? You have no need to apologise to anyone, get back on that horse and learn from your mistake and put things right, its just a blip that you cane overcome...... keep your chin up mate.

Posted on:
Thu, 16/11/2017 - 18:00

Abstainer

Joined:
2017-05-10

Thankyou Merry go round. I havn't been to meetings for a while as I was dancing those two nights. Can't believe I've been such a fool knowing what I know about gambling plus all the support on the diaries and I had counselling as well. Beggars belief that I could have gone back on them machines. Don't know what to make of it at the moment. Sheer madness.

Posted on:
Thu, 16/11/2017 - 18:03

Abstainer

Joined:
2017-05-10

Thanks Chartom. 

Posted on:
Thu, 16/11/2017 - 18:45

Lethe

Joined:
2016-12-10

Mr L did exactly this on a shopping trip five months after near nuking everything around. I actually caught him in the shop. Inexpicable to both of us and fortunately he was carrying a very limited amount of cash. He reviewed that and now carries none. My advice would be to tighten up your barriers and prioritise GA. I firmly believe it's that weekly meeting that keeps him grounded.

All the best

Posted on:
Thu, 16/11/2017 - 18:48

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

It's definitely a tough nut to crack!

Posted on:
Thu, 16/11/2017 - 18:54

S_J_B

Joined:
2013-05-25

Hi Stephen,

Didn't speak to you before but caught few posts of yours. Such a positive man ☺

Listen...sorry to hear about your lil blip.

One piece of advice. It happened and you cannot change it. Please don't make it a repeat. Now you MUST stay on guard because (correct me in near future if I am wrong)...the devil will wisper : " you lapsed, what's a point, back to nothing..go on...go on..have another bet as it all ruined anyway".
Now...PLEASE PLEASE don't listen to this voice because it's all lies! You're NOT back to square one, you only made a wrong choice by letting your recovery loosen up...also I guess by not taking your regular medicine..aka
..GA

Stand bk up...dust yourself down and learn from this.

You're not alone! Keep posting!

B&S xx

Posted on:
Thu, 16/11/2017 - 19:09

adam808

Joined:
2017-08-27

Hi Abstainer,

Countless times I've been in your shoes. It's the worst feeling in the world but you HAVE to just take what went wrong and apply a new strategy for this next time.

It took me about 9 months of doing this until I finally found what worked for me.

Stay strong. This could be your time you quit for good! Remember that.

Posted on:
Thu, 16/11/2017 - 19:18

Abstainer

Joined:
2017-05-10

Thankyou Lethe, S.J.B. & Adam.

I'm not giving in. I'll try even harder this time. 

Posted on:
Thu, 16/11/2017 - 22:21

Sharon41

Joined:
2017-03-16

Hi Stephen, just read the post on my diary.....I beg you not to beat yourself up over this! You have been nothing but kind, supportive and encouraging to everyone here and you human. We've all been in your shoes so no one is judging you, just get back on that horse and keep riding. Being and staying GF is literally one of the hardest things I've ever experienced. Keep fighting and rake care my friend S:) 

Posted on:
Thu, 16/11/2017 - 23:52

4D

Joined:
2010-02-10

Hi Stephen, I'm sad to read about what happened but relieved you are straight on here to be accountable. I know its a bit cheesy to say, but your story is one where you have really been on a journey and I don't think this is the final destination by any means. You've got too many songs to sing yet! Stay on the road and I am sure there will be many here to help you as you have helped them.

Posted on:
Fri, 17/11/2017 - 00:12

Abstainer

Joined:
2017-05-10

Thankyou Sharon & 4D. I appreciate your support.

It's day 1 for me and I am determined not to gamble today. I will post on my diary every day if only to say i'm ok.

My name is Stephen, I am a compulsive gambler, and my last bet was 16th November 2017. 

Posted on:
Fri, 17/11/2017 - 01:03

Christer1

Joined:
2016-02-29

Abstain cmon your doing good you've realised what you've done and back us now keep going

Posted on:
Fri, 17/11/2017 - 05:40

breakfree

Joined:
2011-01-01

Don't beat yourself up too much over this, get back on track and stay away from that first bet.

You managed 6 months last time which was massive, one day at a time now.

Stay strong:-)

Breakfree

Posted on:
Fri, 17/11/2017 - 07:02

Sars27

Joined:
2017-06-02

Sir Stephen this things happens for a reason . There’s always a positive outcome from a negative event . You’ve always been a helpful and caring man for all of us ! We’re all here to support you . What’s done is done , I’m sure you’re stronger this time .

Sars 

Posted on:
Fri, 17/11/2017 - 08:03

Moorey631986

Joined:
2016-09-08

You’ve had one blip in 6 months. 

Now, I don’t know you personally, but I’m going to take a punt (a non gambling one...) on this being a marked improvement on the previous 6 months? 

It’s big progress, Stephen. 

You’re heading in the right direction. Most wouldn’t have come back so soon but you’ve proved what a determined little fighter you are and you’ve come back scrapping. That shows great strength and character. 

You know gambling is a disaster waiting to happen and you’ve done the right thing in coming back. 

Well done. 

Let’s finish off the year strongly and enjoy a gamble free Christmas. 

Moorey

Posted on:
Fri, 17/11/2017 - 10:26

Abstainer

Joined:
2017-05-10

Thankyou Christer, Breakfree, Sars & Moorey. I appreciate your support and good advice. I count myself fortunate to be back amongst friends in the diaries.

I am now more determined than ever to stop gambling. I have a vivid picture of myself looking ludicrous as I fed money into them machines and than my pathetic departure from the betting shop with my head down cursing myself. I'm not putting myself through that ever again....Onwards & Upwards. 

My song choice today is. Another One Bites The Dust by Queen.

Posted on:
Fri, 17/11/2017 - 14:43

Mixer

Joined:
2016-12-03

Hi Stephen,

Firstly, full kudos for being honest and upfront about your relapse. Secondly, you have recognised, immediately, that you've got to go straight back onto the wagon, that there's no other way. And thirdly, it's fantastic to read how you've responded to this. You've beat yourself up a bit, and I don't think that's a bad thing, actually (some may disagree...). But I think It shows you care.

Whilst you're starting the Challenge back on Day 0 I won't show the days, Stephen, and will just keep an 'invisible' count as, and I'm sure you will, climb back up the ranks.

If a fall's going to happen -  and sometimes it does - it's how we respond that matters.

So... no need to beat yourself up anymore. Time to dust yourself down, head held high, with two fingers stoutly raised to the gambling devil as you stride away, you're back, joining us in the gambling-free world.

Welcome back, Stephen! It's a pleasure, a real joy, to have you back with us!

Posted on:
Fri, 17/11/2017 - 16:39

Josh280

Joined:
2017-11-17

Hi Stephen. 

I’m a long time reader of the recovery diaries.  Can also spot a potential relapse about to happen.

It’s usually written in the tone of the persons posts, even if they don’t know it yet.  Sounds weird I know.

In 99 percent of relapses first thing to go is their day count. To me that signifies a relapse has either happened or in motion. 

I know you looked at your day count as a hindrance, but what it signified was growth. 

Unfortunately addiction isn’t something you can just move on from and forget ever happened. Recovery Needs to be a constant. 

Addiction can and will remain dormant. Give it an inch it will take a mile.  

You don’t see people at ga or like who’ve been there 20 years constantly because it’s a fun place to be. It’s because they need to constantly work the program to stay ahead of the game. 

You’ve been like a breath of fresh air since you joined the forum Stephen and you helped a lot of people along the way.  And I can see this relapse has hitten you hard , so try to find the positive in the negative.  You went 6 months. You now have a goal, 6 months and beyond. 

Chin up Stephen , 

Posted on:
Fri, 17/11/2017 - 16:57

changemylife

Joined:
2016-11-02

Hi Stephen. You are a brave man and have taken this relapse firmly on the chin. Like you say - it was a moment that you can't really explain. But what's done is done. However it's NOT like starting all over again. You have gained wisdom, knowledge and have defence mechanisms in place.

When my friend got injured whilst training to run a half marathon he became despondent as he considered his training program to be off course. I commented that actually all the months of hard work he'd already put in could be deemed as 'banked'. You cannot simply disregard the changes which have been made!

Looking forward with optimism as I'm sure you will, it may be constructive to analyse why you gambled and consider self-exclusion. All the best mate.

Posted on:
Fri, 17/11/2017 - 21:15

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Only just read your post Stephen. Sending you a great big hug.
Never give up. So proud of your achievements so far and I know they'll continue into the future xx

Posted on:
Fri, 17/11/2017 - 21:31

Forum admin

Joined:
2010-11-01

Hi Stephen,

well done for posting about your lapse and well done for dusting yourself off and moving on.

Lapses are part of the journey, it just comes down to how you deal with them. And it appears you ahve been doing the right thing - step back, talk about it, reflect and learn.

Keep up the excellent work.

All the best,

Eva

Forum Admin

Posted on:
Fri, 17/11/2017 - 23:32

Smashed

Joined:
2017-08-13

When you was a bit down and said you wanted to stop counting days I wondered if that was the Gambling Mind whispering to you. I personally will always count the days as everyday I want to stick my fingers up to Gambling by counting numbers in a good way and not by a section a zero or lucky numbers, my numbers indicate another day of telling gambling to **** off out of my life you swamp leech. It hooked you but you shook it off and I know you'll realize when you see that hook again not too bite.
 

Posted on:
Sat, 18/11/2017 - 03:48

ODAAT

Joined:
2014-11-10

‭Shut the door Stephen...

MOSES: 0800 294 2060‬

Sorry to hear you broke out mate but good to see you right back in the ranks where you belong!  Addiction has taken enough now...Time to leave it in your past & get back to living again - ODAAT 

Posted on:
Sat, 18/11/2017 - 10:51

Abstainer

Joined:
2017-05-10

Thankyou Mixer, Josh, Changemylife, Little Miss Lost, Eva (Forum Admin), Smashed & Odaat. I really appreciate the support and advice. I will frequently reread these early posts, as a reminder of our solidarity and also, as a warning not to lose my way again.

I am at a lunch tomorrow celebrating my Auntie's 80th and on wednesday travel to Surrey to help celebrate my sisters 70th. It really wouldn't do to spoil the celebrations by saying I had been gambling again. Last night my friend lent me money to tide me over, she is worried in case I gamble with it but I feel confident that is not going to happen. I can say with all honesty I have no intention or desire to gamble, but in the early hours of this morning I did wake up twice dreaming I was gambling on a fobt machine. I must be on my guard against the enemy within.

It is now day 2 gamble free and am totally committed to not gambling. My gambling episode was stupid and irresponsible but it was just a blip on my journey to freedom. I am back on the recovery road shoulder to shoulder with my GamCare friends.

 

Posted on:
Sat, 18/11/2017 - 21:01

Mixer

Joined:
2016-12-03

I hope you have a great time at these birthday parties - you bloody enjoy 'em Stephen. 

Posted on:
Sat, 18/11/2017 - 21:43

Phil72

Joined:
2016-10-07

You are so honest my friend.

We're all here for you and hope to encourage and help in our own way. I reiterate - your honesty is amazing - a lot of people aren't.

Im not going to ask you about motivation/incentive to bet but please believe me a lot of people on this forum have had kind and considerate advice and kindness from you including me.Thank you.

Best wishes, Phil.

Posted on:
Sat, 18/11/2017 - 21:53

Abstainer

Joined:
2017-05-10

Thanks Mixer. Hope your having a good weekend.

I have had no problems today, went to the gym for a swim and did some college homework. The relapse is behind me now and I'm determined not to let it happen again. Heading for Guru and 500 days gamble free. I think I will keep counting the days at least until I reach that target. 

Thanks Phil, I really appreciate the support and will frequently re-read these early posts if ever I feel vulnerable. 

Hope everyone's having a good gamble free weekend. Stephen 

 

Posted on:
Sat, 18/11/2017 - 22:12

changemylife

Joined:
2016-11-02

Hey Stephen. You are already a Guru in my mind. Sitting there in an open cave next to a flickering flame. With your big grey whispy beard, acoustic guitar and a happy smiling face. None of us are perfect, but we strive on in the face of adversity.

Posted on:
Sun, 19/11/2017 - 06:30

Glint

Joined:
2016-01-08

You have made great progress and been a source of inspiration for myself and many others on the forum Stephen. You shouldn't and I knew you wouldn't let this derail you, nor should it detract from what has been achieved.

Posted on:
Sun, 19/11/2017 - 08:36

Abstainer

Joined:
2017-05-10

Thankyou Changemylife & Glint. I appreciate your support.

Day 3 and glad to be with my GamCare friends. 

Posted on:
Sun, 19/11/2017 - 08:52

Moorey631986

Joined:
2016-09-08

Wishing you a good Sunday, Stephen. 

Keep positive and take solace from the fact that you’re in a better position, both financially and emotionally, than you were 6 months ago. 

Take care mate

Posted on:
Sun, 19/11/2017 - 10:25

Sharon41

Joined:
2017-03-16

Hi Stephen, sorry I haven't commented/posted lately...have been working maybe too much and trying to hold everything together. Also some days all my thoughts are consumed with fighting gambling, how much debt I'm in etc that I feel I'm not enjoying life. Great though to read your positive posts, moving forward and drawing the line under the relapse. You have achieved so much on your journey and are in a totally difference place now. Carry on being you because you are a pillar supporting many on the forum including me. Take care my friend S:)

Posted on:
Sun, 19/11/2017 - 19:11

ste_ven

Joined:
2012-05-11

Hi Stephen

After your blip you came back on here - immediately you've made the right choice having made a not so great one earlier that day.

Agree with previous posts, what's done is done, no one can change the past. Focus on accepting that the blip happened, reviewing the blocks you have in place and consider if any can be strengthened. 

Stay safe and stay GF. 

Posted on:
Sun, 19/11/2017 - 21:41

Abstainer

Joined:
2017-05-10

Thankyou Moorey, Sharon and Ste..ven. I appreciate the posts on my diary and count myself very fortunate to have such supportive friends.

Hello Diary. Day 3 GF. Great day with family celebrating my aunties 80th birthday. Don't see my relatives very often so it was great to get together and we all enjoyed a tasty lunch at the North Star Hotel in Flambrough.

Disappointed that I gambled but it might have brought me to my senses. Half a year gamble free and I nearly threw it all away. Didn't appreciate what I had until I was perilously close to not having it. I didn't just gamble money I gambled my self respect, plus the trust and loyalty of those who have supported me.

I've talked the talk now i'm going to walk the walk. Onwards and upwards.

Posted on:
Sun, 19/11/2017 - 22:33

duncanmac

Joined:
2012-01-26

Stephen
Fella don't be too hard on yourself, I have seen far too many good people just disappear from these pages when addiction broke through their defences and they found themselves active.
The doors to recovery revolve my friend and it's what we learn when we re enter.
Be proud that you walked back through your own door,for me it shows how much you have already learnt.
In equal measure addiction will hate your reaction,it will want you back.
I see this as a war, in the sense that within a war there will be many battles, and you are back to re arm for the next one, in doing so you can indeed win the war.
You have a great army walking by your side I am proud to walk with you and everyone else because together we can make a profound difference.
Keep on keeping on fella.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Posted on:
Sun, 19/11/2017 - 22:49

Abstainer

Joined:
2017-05-10

Thankyou duncanmac, appreciate your encouragement. Your journey is a real inspiration and shows a lot of commitment.

The solidarity we all share is a massive part of my recovery. Without my GamCare friends I would now be feeling defeated and very despondent. As it is I have not given up the fight and I am more determined than ever. Take care. Stephen 

Posted on:
Mon, 20/11/2017 - 10:20

Sharon41

Joined:
2017-03-16

Hi Stephen hope you're well on this typical Monday morning. Thank you for your uplifting kind words and much respect for bounce back. To have battled through us inspirationAl to mysrlf and others, keep being you. Take care S :) 

Posted on:
Mon, 20/11/2017 - 12:07

Abstainer

Joined:
2017-05-10

Thankyou Sharon, hope you have a good day.

Monday morning  wet wet wet, but no need to worry or get in a sweat 

Cloudy skies, wet and dull but the sun always shines in sunny Hull

I'm alive, i'm free and glad to be on my Day 4 gamble free.

Posted on:
Mon, 20/11/2017 - 14:32

changemylife

Joined:
2016-11-02

Sounds like you're perking up Stephen. Back to your good old self.

I hope that you've analysed the reasons for your relapse so that you will recognise the signs and be prepared for the future.

Thinking back... For me it was a bit like drinking alcohol (which I am currently trying to give up!). Whenever life kicked me in the teeth; things not going my way, with a breakdown in relationships, boredom or things appearing as unfair. I would resort to the old faithful intoxication in my sad, week-minded, stubborn way.

But as we know that just hurts us more..There's very little sympathy for someone on the path of self-destruction.

So that only leaves us with one choice. To fight against temptation and stand up strong to claim our right for a better life.

Posted on:
Mon, 20/11/2017 - 20:31

Phil72

Joined:
2016-10-07

Ive always had a lot of respect for you Stephen and your kind and considerate approach to other forum users including me - you are a good person.

Just one thing - do you think the chat rooms would help?

Best wishes, Phil.

PS I'd love to talk to you and I use the chat rooms regularly.

 

Posted on:
Mon, 20/11/2017 - 20:56

Abstainer

Joined:
2017-05-10

Thanks for the posts on my diary, much appreciated.

Changemylife you certainly come up with some inspiring advice. From your last post I like; "To fight against temptation and stand up strong." That's it in a nutshell really, all I have to do is stand my ground and say NO. I know I can do and have every intention of doing so. From now on I will forever be on my guard and it won't get me again.

Phil thankyou for the continuing support. I have tried the chatroom a couple of times before but didn't take to it. My brains a bit slow and I couldn't keep up. I like to read and interact on the diaries in a relaxed leisurely way.

Posted on:
Tue, 21/11/2017 - 10:35

Abstainer

Joined:
2017-05-10

Morning Diary. Feeling good today and know I can beat this horrible compulsion to gamble.

I am looking to follow in the footsteps of friends who have stayed strong and true to the cause. My congratulations today go out to Sharon who is 250 days gamble free and it has by no means been easy for her. 

I am stephen, a compulsive gambler. My last bet was on the 16th November 2017. I am committed to my recovery.

Posted on:
Tue, 21/11/2017 - 11:08

S_J_B

Joined:
2013-05-25

High five Stephen!

Keep the strength and positivity going! You're a winner - just for today!

S&B xx

Posted on:
Tue, 21/11/2017 - 20:12

Mixer

Joined:
2016-12-03

Hi Stephen, you're 'back on the road' and that's the way to be. With you every step of the way my friend.

Posted on:
Tue, 21/11/2017 - 23:39

Abstainer

Joined:
2017-05-10

Thankyou for posting on my diary, it is much appreciated.

S.J.B.  Glad your enjoying the counselling, I had 12 sessions and found it really helpful. Liked the song you posted on your diary; No Money by Galantis 

Mixer. Hope your keeping well. 

Hello Diary. Had a good day with college, swimming and salsa dancing tonight. Been feeling very annoyed with myself after my stupid relapse but can hopefully learn from it. So much good stuff to do so why would I even want to gamble! 

Posted on:
Wed, 22/11/2017 - 11:00

Abstainer

Joined:
2017-05-10

Morning Diary. Day 6 and going for glory. 

Sometimes philosophical about my relapse and occasionally ranting and raving at my stupidity, I'm currently somewhere in between. Loved the quote in Sharon's diary this morning; "The smallest steps move you forward." I'm going to keep that in my mind when recovery seems to be going slow.

Going to my sisters today for 5 days to celebrate her 70th birthday. I won't mention my relapse, it won't serve any purpose and will merely put a dampner on the party.

Later I will be relying on my GamCare friends to escort me from Kings Cross to Waterloo when I change my trains. I will need you all their alongside me, it's perilous terrain fraught with danger. Bookmakers everywhere but i'm on a mission now and i'm not going to give in.

Let's Rock n Roll.

Posted on:
Wed, 22/11/2017 - 13:44

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

Hi Stephen if you'd asked I would have physically escorted you! Have a great time at the party and at your sisters. Show everyone your salsa !

Posted on:
Wed, 22/11/2017 - 14:26

ODAAT

Joined:
2014-11-10

You & me both MGR...Bit short notice unfortunately as I’m heading into work now pso sending you cyber strength instead Stephen.  If you’ve started the MOSES exclusions you could always ring up & add these places to your barred zones. 

Posted on:
Wed, 22/11/2017 - 14:49

Abstainer

Joined:
2017-05-10

Thankyou ODAAT. I will be arm in arm with you and merry so I won't have any problems. 

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