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Posted on:
Fri, 28/10/2016 - 13:23

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Had money in my bank. So very rare not to be in my overdraft. How do I explain how bad I feel because I put a lot of that money back on the slots?
I could cry, rant, scream and shout at myself. Call myself all the stupid names under the sun yet i also feel numb by it all. Tired of having it going through my head time and time again.
Tired of having to consciously think, what's done is done, move on, draw a line.
I can't change what's happened so stop beating myself up, move on. Be resposible, break the triangle.
Yet to be perfectly honest I'm still thinking just try another hundred, I might win and be able to put something back then I won't feel so bad - listen to me . . . I could scream at myself!!!!
The most likely scenario is I won't win. I know that, then I'll feel even worse, want to hide away and scream even louder. Wallow in self flipping pity.
I write this down and think what cynical wife would be thinking if she reads it. I'm sorry cw I know I need a good slap!! I know I need to stop feeling sorry for myself and think of others around me who I'm probably affecting.
But this is how I feel at the moment. I know miracles don't happen so I'll just have to hope I manage to get my head sorted soon and get back in the real world.

Posted on:
Fri, 28/10/2016 - 16:25

ODAAT

Joined:
2014-11-10

Never mind CW, I'm screaming @ you!  I've been there, that other hundred that you want to risk won't just be another hundred...Win today, lose tomorrow.  Financial gain doesn't give you your self respect back, make you happy again, it just keeps you in the action longer.

Breaking the triangle is the easy bit, getting past this is a whole other ball game!  All addiction is giving you is hell, another excuse for you to prove to the world what a loser you are...You're not!  But, as you know, there is no magic wand :-(  Either you step up & take responsibility for this madness inside of us, doing everything you can to close doors or it eats you up from the inside out.  Get that money out of your account, speak to the internet provider again (I thought they'd blocked all your over 18 sites), download blocking software, reconsider GA, see if you can get another round of counselling, get to your GP & don't give a second's thought to people here not wanting to hear you wallow on!  This is your diary, if people don't like it, they should stay away.  By all means contact the Samaritans if you feel like you need to but if you just want to write, get it down here, let people know how harmful this addiction is.

Keep fighting LML, there is a way through - ODAAT 

Posted on:
Fri, 28/10/2016 - 16:53

Guestuser9

Joined:
Before 2009

Sometimes you get knocked down lower than you have ever been. To stand up taller than you ever were

Posted on:
Fri, 28/10/2016 - 17:50

Loxxie

Joined:
2016-01-15

Hey....come on...you know what you got to do....
Doesn't matter what anybody else says.....it's about you love....
It's your life....your choices....
And well done for coming back here and fessing up....a lot don't !
That tells me that you do want to fight this addiction....x

Posted on:
Fri, 28/10/2016 - 18:32

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Odaat, scream away. That self-respect statement strikes a chord.
I don't care what anyone says, even if you do want gambling out of your life it's so flipping hard to stop - it is for me anyway. When you're in deep it's a nightmare.
You're right, it eats away from the inside out.
Thanks for saying I can put anything I want in my diary. It is a release to put things down in writing and when people like the above respond it does help.
I am conscious of not wanting to offend people or put things in which puts newbies to the site off, make them think there's no hope.
There is hope. There are lots of success stories giving inspiration.
Deano, I want to stand tall. I go to work and see people brimming with self-confidence. I look at them and think 'how do they do that?' 'How come they're so full of confidence?' I do a similar job yet I just pull myself down all the time. I'm my own worse enemy.
By the way odaat, i blocked over 18 sites but had to unblock them because I couldn't get on my work account from which I have to download jobs.
I do see so many people come on this site then they disappear. Does that mean they've gone back to gambling? So so sad. So many people trapped in this world.
If at first you don't succeed, try try again. This year, since January i have gambled for around 6 weeks in total. That's a massive improvement from last year.
Christmas time I was an absolute wreck. I'm not as bad as then. I have improved, I've just got to keep battling.
I've been spending too much time on here etc all because of my gambling. My house has suffered, my health has suffered. People wonder why. I just look at the hours I've wasted. I want to get out of this cycle. Have energy for other things. Live a life, a life where I have self-respect.

Posted on:
Fri, 28/10/2016 - 19:15

Anon100

Joined:
2016-08-31

Hey come on chin up, you had a relapse, your not the first and your not going to be the last, I think you need to start to like yourself  again and the only way to do that is to stop the gambling.  You have proved you can do it, you also need to realise that th money has gone now and you will never recover those losses through gambling.  Best wishes x 

Posted on:
Sat, 29/10/2016 - 02:02

S_J_B

Joined:
2013-05-25

Hi lil miss lost,

Had a lil catch up with your diary and wanted to drop by with my support. Take it or leave it, I'm here to voice my feelings seeing that you go through very similar ones.

Right, Samaritans. Keep reaching out! There is no end in support network! Before i found this site i was on the phone to them, on the text to them and also on emails! Doesn’t matter that different person picks your thoughts up, they all follow the converse and trying to help ☺. They helped me greatly in the hour of despair and i will be forever thankful for their support.
Diary. Spit all the poison out. Better out than in and that's the proven fact! C'mon, this place is not to fly with fairies! It's true life, true feelings, true fights and true emotions! Get them out, it will help you to ease the load. We have all been in the same place & you know what - we can get bk there at any given time! This is addiction and even if we clap along like seals sometimes, we must remember how serious this beast is. Just like that - hit you, stamp on you and destroy you.

Slips. Learn from them! They do happen (ok, maybe not for everyone but quite few of us). If i would think I'm cured after few months g free - i would fool myself..even a year or two or three...this addiction is sneaky and we MUST keep on top of the game...forever!
All i am trying to say is let time heal your wounds. Things will get easier but my dear friend you need to put some work into it also. Mainly self care. That's where it starts - from within! Try and distract yourself on "dangerous" hours of the day. Take time to stop in your tracks and think about "next move" again. That's all you need to do.
I know that going for a walk, cooking or having a bath when urges strikes is reall challenge...however, give that space for yourself to think again...urges passes, time is really important here ☺

Losses. Let them go. It keeps your mind trapped. We simply cannot win as we cannot stop! Stop..suffer the pain, keep walking through fire. That's the only way to put losses in the back burner. Again, not easy but ...again - time!
As you have noticed time is something very important here.

For now, just concentrate on you and today, that's all you need to do. Let the fog lift and the more options of getting help will be more clearer. You must get help & i know this might sound daunting, don't fear it - it's gonna help you to set yourself free. You simply cannot do it by yourself!

Conclusion. Be kind to you, reach out, keep spitting, think twice, give yourself time to recover mentally & financially.

You're doing great, believe me...falling hurts, standing bk up might drag but the end result is the peace and clarity you get ☺..priceless & ya know - YOU'RE WORTH IT!!!

Kind of said what i wanted to say ☺..ball in ur court

S x

Posted on:
Sat, 29/10/2016 - 07:15

lesley6loc

Joined:
2014-12-27

Hi miss lost
I felt every word you said in your latest post ,In my case it's been very hard for me understand the why,s and what for's of gambling , i used to question the hold it has on me , I wanted to be able to control my gambling because I really really enjoyed it . It's taken a long time, alot of upset , money and pain but I have now realised the only way i can control my gambling is to STOP . I used to lie to myself at first ,I didn't use all the support i could, I never went the whole 9 yards with the blocks , missed councilling appointments (I did this because I think it scared me to stop really ). I messed up a few weeks ago and blew nearly £1000 over a few days. I cannot describe how I felt , but one breif thought scared me so much I was literally sick . I lost hope and for the briefest of moments thought about ending it all . I have never before had this strange feeling I was sat on my bed at 3:00 am surrounded in coffee cups crying in front of my I pad .
I was ruined this was my lowest point ..
I'm not sure if this is the time I will beatthis addiction but the next day I did everything I could to make sure I cannot gamble .
I told the person who I felt most uncomfotable telling. I cut all my cards up ,cancelled accounts , sold my I pad , removed the secure code in my debit card (I don't know it) I can't purchase online (the bank will put this in place ) So far so good . I'm just getting my head back together things are getting clearer the more days I stay gamble free the less I want to do it .
I still feel like the lowest human being on earth ,but the thought of the feelings I had that night two weeks keeps me going . NEVER AGAIN do I want feel like giving up. Ruin can be good sometimes as it gives us all a chance to rebuild ourselves .
Like anything in life respect is earned each day gamble free is a step to earning this . I know you deserve respect , but I don't know if I do . That's some thing I too need to work on . Councilling this morning. OMG! It's full of men but I'm making myself go .
Step out of what's comfortable it builds confidence, I was so scared last week I can't believe I went .
Keep your chin up and the best advice for sure is get as much support as you can and place as many blocks as possible.
Lesley xx

Posted on:
Sat, 29/10/2016 - 13:55

ALAN 135

Joined:
Before 2009

Hi LML , Your absolutetly right " Gambling is so flippin hard to stop " I mirror Lesley's comment above , I gambled for over 35 yrs and loved it , even at my darkest time it would still call me and I willingly come running and that's the madness of this addiction , it gives us the things we want in life , Excitement , a sense of belonging , reward when we win and a drive to achieve again when we dont win , even the danger of getting caught all adds to the drug we choose and that's just utter madness . It promises so much but never delivers what we think we need , instead it will take our money , our assets , our self respect and very nearly in my case our life , it wants what you have and will deviuosly plan to take it from you when and however it chooses , yet we still return , time and again .

Youv'e heard all the phrases and cliches but the only true words I can offer is that the cycle of self destruction will not stop until you do , simple words but true words . I havent had abet for over 13 months and those first few were thje most difficult and challenging ones of my life , every day for 35 yrs I'd lived, eaten , breathed and slept with gambling the biggest thing in my life , nobody was aware of my secret as I hid it well , they just thought that I liked the odd £1 here and there in the bookies andf what was wrong with that , yet my life was a complete sham , a place full of lies and deceit  and the worst of the deceit came from inside because I believed the bull,sh.ite I was telling myself while I justified what I'd become and what I was doing to those around me .

I came back from that brink when I attended my daughters 30th birthday party after having just googled " Painless ways to die " I just  couldn't imagine letting those I supposedly loved finding out what I really was .                                                                         As soon as I opened up to others that mattered it was the turning point that meant I could leave gambling behind as it no longer had a place to hide and blackmail me into doing as it demanded .

You are more than capable of doing what you need to do to beat this addiction but you have to look on it as a battle for which you need proper preperation , all those doors where it can get back in fully closed and bolted shut and Honesty is one of the biggest tools you'll have in your armoury , be honest with thiose around you , those that can support you in a time of need , were all human and all make mistakes it's just what it is , were designed that way but were also designed to learn from our mistakes , to adapt and to overcome situations , be honest with yourself by addmiting gambling has you beat and instead of keep getting back in the ring with it beating you to a pulp everyday , you'll accept the defeat and the losses youv'e had along the way and stop taking on something you will never win against .

There is a much better way of life wating for you out there it's got it's hand out waiting for you to grab hold and walk away from whats troubling you , you just have to stretch a bit further to grasp it sometimes :))

With lot's of love and hug's   Alan  , Compulsive gambler 

xx 

 

 

Posted on:
Sun, 30/10/2016 - 08:28

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Oh my, all the above posts. You've all taken so much time and shared so much. I want you to know that the time taken has not been in vain.
I've had yet another 'bad' night.
Heavy losses.
Eventually went to sleep kidding myself thinking ' thats ok' I'm glad I've lost because now I really want to stop.
Wake up feeling dreadful. I used money as though it was tissue paper.
In my darkest hour i thought I can do this. I'll turn the page. Start a new chapter. Turn my life around. I won't go on gamcare. I don't want to read about gambling, I want to completely forget about it but I know it's all bluff. What i
I really felt was so alone, now I've come on here (just to write, get things out off my chest!) And what I found are such kind caring people who more importantly have been where I am now. Telling me exactly how it is. Making me see sense, when there seems to be no sense at all.
I'll try not to beat myself up. Tell myself I am worthy and say I can do this. Give myself a hug and get through these first few days.
Put all the money I lost in that box in my head. I really can't think about it. It makes me feel physically sick. Pray that I come out the other side stronger.

Posted on:
Sun, 30/10/2016 - 08:47

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

I feel so ashamed and upset with myself. Last week I had money that gave me a chance to get back on track, yes I still had large debts but they would be a lot easier to manage. I was so happy with myself,went into shops, could actually buy a few things so then why have I thrown it all away??????
How I'm going to get my head round knowing ive thrown it away I don't know. How am i going to rid myself of these feelings of guilt?
I'm sorry I'm going on but I really need help.
I've now got to go to a Sunday job that I hate but I have to do it to pay all the debt I've got myself in over the years. This is not the life I want. I'm such a mess.

Posted on:
Sun, 30/10/2016 - 09:38

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

I know blocks are the answer. Just read another post which said you can ask bank to block gambling transactions. Mine didn't offer this when I rung them saying I was having difficulties. I'll ring again.
I need Internet on my phone for work. Wish I didn't. I'd love to have an Internet free phone, would miss it immensely but just to know I can't get on any sites would be great. I'm going to have to seriously block all possibilities of gambling - I know, I know it's all been said to me before. I did hand my cards over and couldn't gamble but stupidly got credit card to transfer overdraft.
It's all my own doing. I want out. I want to come home and not think about gambling because I know I can't.

Posted on:
Sun, 30/10/2016 - 10:38

Loxxie

Joined:
2016-01-15

Hey miss...
Blocks alone won't do it !
They do serve to make it harder to gamble....but as you've found out love.....you can always get around them...if you want to !
There's no magical answer to make quitting easier....
Yes.....I've got my bb blocked to gambling sites....and I've permanently excluded from the sites I played on.....but I suppose if I really wanted to I could find away round it all....
But I don't want to miss....
Why would I ?
It ruined my life for several years...and I've only got to take a peep in that box in my head to remind me of the **** gambling caused....
I totally respect how hard the early weeks are....but it's a case of some how pushing through the ****....to get to the better place of not gambling.....
Not impossible. ...not easy....not fun to be where you are now. ....
Nothing bad will happen if you don't gamble......
Nothing good will happen if you do !
It's just down to choice...
Good luck hun...x

Posted on:
Sun, 30/10/2016 - 11:46

Cynical wife

Joined:
2015-06-23

Sorry to hear that you've had a bad time of it.

It's not my place to scream at you or to set your standards for you. You act as you choose to act. 

Recovery is about you doing recovery by yourself, for yourself. With support, but ultimately by you. To misquote Duncan, recovery is your gift to yourself.

You have to take ownership of your own choices, GA say that the change in personality that their members try to bring about in themselves includes growing up. It's not just that, it's also about facing up to the problems that you want to try to medicate with gambling.

The choice to keep an blocked or unblocked mobile, parental controls or none, access to money or none, counselling or none, meetings or none, these are the choices that you make that will determine whether or not you achieve recovery. 

Not easy but doable and a gf life is the reward, the gift to yourself.

Wish you well,

CW

Posted on:
Mon, 31/10/2016 - 09:36

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Feeling a bit better with myself today. It's amazing how you can go from the depths of despair to feeling not too bad. Had a good sleep last night unlike the previous night.
I hope my head stays like this although it ìs a bit of a dreamworld scenario.
Shutting out the losses, I guess it's happened so many times you get used to it. Only this time it involved larger amounts of money.
These are the days where the days previously you hurt so badly that you feel you really don't want to go there again.
Today I feel like I can survive this nightmare.

Posted on:
Mon, 31/10/2016 - 12:15

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Spoke to a credit card company. Explained my situation. Lady was so kind. They've agreed to knock my monthly payment down by £70. Just needed to tell her all my income and expenditures.
Also spoke to my bank again. I'm having to send a copy of my step change email for them to review my loan repayments. Hopefully will be able to get help with them.
Yes it will affect my credit ratings but it will hopefully mean I can have enough money at the end of the month to be able to feel like I can have a life. At the moment I'm left with nothing.
Every little helps.

Posted on:
Mon, 31/10/2016 - 13:00

ALAN 135

Joined:
Before 2009

Hi LML , Good to see you making positive moves towards sorting things out , I was the same and I would imagine we all go through a period of sorting out the carnage we leave in our wake , things have to be faced up to but at least by being proactive they'll be more on your terms :)) 

Our debt's are with us for a while and maybe that's a good thing sometimes as it serves as a bit of a reminder not to go back there again ? and as recovery's for life what's the rush ? as long as it's doable for you and means you can manage at the end of each month that's what's important ,

Nice to see a more positive post coming from you :))

Take care ....Alan  

Posted on:
Mon, 31/10/2016 - 20:59

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Thanks for staying with me Alan and all who've posted to me lately.
Feeling brighter today. I know I've messed my credit rating up and I'll try not to think about how long it will take to pay my debts off now I'm paying lower monthly payments but if I could have enough money at the end of the month to live off and hopefully be able to get a few treats then I'll take that over what I've got now, anyday.

Posted on:
Mon, 31/10/2016 - 21:27

ALAN 135

Joined:
Before 2009

2 positive posts in a row , good for you girl , put up a fight and show gambling who's boss :))  xx

Posted on:
Mon, 31/10/2016 - 23:07

Anon100

Joined:
2016-08-31

Hi glad your feeling a little better and have started to think more positive, stay strong and good luck x x 

Posted on:
Tue, 01/11/2016 - 09:22

Loxxie

Joined:
2016-01-15

Lovely to see the posative bits. ..
Keep fighting miss...you'll get there hun xx

Posted on:
Sat, 05/11/2016 - 00:45

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

I am not going to gamble.
I am going to get myself sorted with my debts and start living life again.
I've already made a start and I can carry on.
It's all down to me.
I can and I will succeed.
I don't want this in my life because it makes me live a lie. It makes me live a life of upset, heartache and misery.
I don't want that life. I want to be strong, I want to be proud, I want to be gamble free.
Never again will I think 'how much have i lost tonight?' Never ever again!
Gambling makes me feel weak, exhausted, vulnerable and miserable.
Not any more. I am determined. I am going to change my life for the better.

Posted on:
Sat, 05/11/2016 - 01:11

ALAN 135

Joined:
Before 2009

Hi LML , Nice post :))

A positive mental atitude is all it takes , everything is possible and well within your reach , one day at a time extend  your hand and take what you need :))

A year or so ago I can't begin to tell you what a terrible place I was in , slowly making that choice everyday not to gamble has given me back the great life I used to have , keep making the same decision everyday and slowly but surely , your life will improve before your eyes .

I love seeing the positivity in your posts :))

Keep winning for real Hun :))

Alan xx

Posted on:
Sat, 05/11/2016 - 02:02

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Thanks Alan. You have my respect. I have read some of your diary and as you have said I want to be able to put this'scattered jigsaw' which represents my life back together again.
I'm clinging on to you saying 'we can all succeed. We just need to want it.'
I need to focus on your words. I need to stop feeling the pain of being a compulsive gambler.
I need this knot in my stomach and pain in my heart to go away.
I need to know that I am not always going to feel like this.
I pray for the day for when happiness returns into my life.
I have lost so much. I hurt so much. Not anymore. Go away , get out of my life. You're not welcome. Come back the real me. The one that's been buried under a sea of hurt and misery. I want the happy me. I want that more than gambling. Today I want my life back x

Posted on:
Sat, 05/11/2016 - 08:23

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Woke up this morning. The way I see it I've now reached the crossroads in my life where it's definitely make or break.
Yes, I know some would say you're always stood there but this time it's different. This time if I don't succeed I won't be able to get credit cards to bail me out.
What money I have in bank will be it. I won't be able to use a credit card to shop with when I've spent my last £50 of my overdraft on gambling. Because I've had my payments knocked down by the credit card company my credit card has gone and my credit ratings taken a hit. Because I've spoken to my bank about my difficulties they've took it upon themselves to remove my credit card which I had with them.
Things are a bit in the air with my bank at the moment. Hopefully when it's sorted I'll be able to have enough money left at the end of the month to let me live a life without credit.
Yes, I'll still owe thousands but I'll have to put them in that box at the back of my head whilst I concentrate on being gamble free and getting through each month.
Here's to my new life. It's my last chance to escape from this hell hole of a life without having to lose my home.
Today is a new day. Today is a new me. Today I will succeed in returning to being who I used to be. I can't wait. I watched davina mcall on this time next year the other night. Well Davina, this time next year I want to be able to say I'm gamble free.

Posted on:
Sat, 05/11/2016 - 08:50

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Sorry, I feel the need to ramble. . . I've just been thinking, I've got one sick brain. I need to help it to recover. I need to stop throwing [email protected] at it. Stop making it feel the need to gamble.
I've got to occupy it with good thoughts. I've got to grow up, face facts and move forward to a better life.
I could not say any of this to my friends/family. The couple of friends who I have told about my gambling are very sympathetic but admit to not understanding how I can condone spending thousands of pounds which are not mine on gambling.
Because of the nature of this site I'm hoping others understand.
I'm hoping I'm not a freak, an idiot, weak fool or mug.
I'm hoping I'm just somebody who's lost their way, fallen into a soul destroying trap called online gambling and that i can somehow pull myself back from the vice like grip that holds me trapped and escape to a better life.

Posted on:
Sat, 05/11/2016 - 09:29

triangle

Joined:
2014-03-14

Little miss lost wrote:
Sorry, I feel the need to ramble. . . I've just been thinking, I've got one sick brain. I need to help it to recover. I need to stop throwing [email protected] at it. Stop making it feel the need to gamble. I've got to occupy it with good thoughts. I've got to grow up, face facts and move forward to a better life. I could not say any of this to my friends/family. The couple of friends who I have told about my gambling are very sympathetic but admit to not understanding how I can condone spending thousands of pounds which are not mine on gambling. Because of the nature of this site I'm hoping others understand. I'm hoping I'm not a freak, an idiot, weak fool or mug. I'm hoping I'm just somebody who's lost their way, fallen into a soul destroying trap called online gambling and that i can somehow pull myself back from the vice like grip that holds me trapped and escape to a better life.

Many suffer from this progressive addiction.  Takes a hell of a lot of honesty to work out how bad your illness has got.  Keep rambling

Posted on:
Sat, 05/11/2016 - 10:11

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

You're right tri, it's certainly got bad.
I could ramble for England today. I'm sitting alone writing this. I look at myself from my feet up. I think to myself 'who am i?'
Who is this person sitting here? What kind of person have I become? Do I like what I see? I guess you'll all know the answer to that but the thing is I go to work, I'm a teaching assistant. I spend every day encouraging children to be the best they can be. I spend all day teaching and encouraging, saying it's OK to make mistakes as long as we learn from them - listen to me! Day in day out I preach this, yet still I go through life making the same [email protected]@dy stupid mistakes!!
Today I've got to practice what I preach.
Today I'm going to learn from my mistakes.
Today I'm going to never make that mistake again.
Today I take responsibility for what I've done and feel determined to draw a line. Halt the debts, heal my body and soul.
Today I start to get my life back.
Sorry if to some my last posts have sounded dramatic, but this is me. This is my diary. I am grateful I have it. It's the only way I can clear my mind.

Posted on:
Sat, 05/11/2016 - 10:50

changemylife

Joined:
2016-11-02

Hi LML. I have been reading through your diary along with the incredible words of wisdom and support from other members who have travelled the same journey and who totally understand the complexities of gambling addiction. The pain of financial loss, the reoccuring nightmare of relapse and the hard truth of facing the fact the we are responsible for our decisions, and that there can be light at the end of the tunnel. I am so pleased that you are now taking positive steps on your road to recovery, however tough it may be, and stopping the self-hate negative feelings of despair that we all go through.

I believe that this forum provides the vital support for us because it lets us share our pain and worries, whilst providing real-life solutions and coping tools in order to become GF. Keep up the good work.

Posted on:
Sat, 05/11/2016 - 11:12

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Thanks change for life and welcome to the forum.
Not too sure what kind of reading my diary makes but you're right when you say people have offered so much support. Thanks to them I feel I can try again. They have given me hope where on my own hope would be hard to find. For me, by my own choice it's a lonely addiction. I know many will probably say this is a big mistake on my part but maybe given time I will be able to go down that route.
Thanks for taking time out to post. Best wishes with your recovery.

Posted on:
Sat, 05/11/2016 - 14:11

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Half- life, if somebody had said to me 5 years ago that I would be in this position I would have laughed in their face thinking how could anybody be so stupid as to put themselves in this position!
Yet here I am.
I have thought about GA and to be honest I feel I would like to be in a room of like-minded people who may be able to understand what I am going through.
Saying that, I just don't think it would happen. Why? Purely because I don't want to get recognised and It sounds like it's a predominantly male place.
My heads in an ok place today.
I hope it stays there for a while.
Life's such a struggle isn't it?!!

Posted on:
Sat, 05/11/2016 - 17:53

Cynical wife

Joined:
2015-06-23

Hi, LML,

It's more important to be a room of like minded people, even if most of them are of the male persuasion. I go to GamAnon, across the way in the GA rooms it is mainly men but the women are valued members of the group. Talking to one of them outside, she said that for her it was the  understanding that mattered, the men were men who understood.

As for being recognised, who's interested??? In the room, the like minded people are interested in the problem of compulsive gambling, the meeting is closed and only GA members are admitted. It's first names only and there's a strict rule that what is said in the room, stays in the room. Outside in the street, GA members might congregate to smoke before or after the meeting but no one cares about them, people passing are only interested in their own business. It's anonymous.

Take the thinking on to the next level and go to meetings - they can only help.

CW

Posted on:
Sun, 06/11/2016 - 09:13

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Thanks for concern but I can't see myself going. That doesn't mean I'm not serious in wanting to stop.
I now have no means to gamble. My cards are out of my hands.
It's so much easier when you don't have a bank card saying to you - 'go on, just £50, you might win!' Then that £50 turns into hundreds. Yes, my card could talk. Those thoughts had nothing to do with me - did they???!!!
Well, off to my Sunday job again soon. I just look at it as my gambling debt job.
I have to do a breakfast club at school going in an hour earlier than I would normally and a Sunday job for the sole purpose of having to pay gambling debts. Not good some days when I think I wouldn't have to do this if I hadn't gambled. It can get you down.
No more, I want out. I want off this merry-go-round from hell. Problem is, because of my debts I'll be paying my pennance for the long forseeable future.
I have to believe my future will come good. Hard work , no gambling, positive thoughts = happiness - doesn't it???!!!

Posted on:
Sun, 06/11/2016 - 09:44

Cynical wife

Joined:
2015-06-23

Don't know. Depends how you define hard work. If it means work on self, then probably but with some pain along the way.  In the absence of meetings, how and where is that work to be done? 

I have personally met GA members whose years gamble free are into double figures, the first of which isn't necessarily one. That's years, not days. They started out in the same way, they're not cured, they identify themselves as CGs, they remain one bet away from disaster and they attend to maintain their recovery. Such are the choices that they make.

CW

Posted on:
Sun, 06/11/2016 - 17:13

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

With respect I don't want to attend meetings.
At the moment, after the couple of weeks I've had I'm happy to be able to say I'm not gambling. I have no means to gamble and I'm working on getting my finances sorted.
I know I want to be gamble free. I've delved into my past. I know what I have to do in the present to get what I want for the future.
I have friends I can talk to if needs be, who know about my gambling and I have this website to share anything with when I feel my (non gambling) friends wouldn't understand.
When you're at your lowest (usually when lost money) you can feel very lonely.
I'm hoping I won't be in that position again because I won't gamble and lose any more money.
I'm feeling better in myself. I want this to work. I don't want to feel I can't make it work if I don't go to GA.

Posted on:
Sun, 06/11/2016 - 17:23

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Just reread my last post. I dont intend for it to sound rude to either CW or HL.What I meant by the ending was because I don't want to go to GA I'm hoping I can still become gambling free.

Posted on:
Sun, 06/11/2016 - 17:28

Guestuser9

Joined:
Before 2009

You can make it work if you don't attend meetings. Many forum members do. It doesn't mean you're not putting as much in as say someone who does attend meetings. What works for one wouldn't always be a benefit for someone else

Posted on:
Sun, 06/11/2016 - 17:58

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Thanks deano. I know I need to put the work in.
I've got to succeed. I don't want the life I'm living now. Only I can change it and the change I want is to be gf.

Posted on:
Sun, 06/11/2016 - 18:22

ALAN 135

Joined:
Before 2009

Thanks LML :)) Just noticing those simple things sometimes , I think I was so wrapped up in gambling for so long I missed all the important things in life especially those that cost nothing ?. 

You know I was thinking along the same lines as Deano's post , HL and CW are both correct inwhat they say regarding GA and how well it works for so many but It's not alway's right for everyone , I'm not by any means dismissing it but It wasn't a route I wanted to go down , I had to give myself the opportunity to see how things panned out using other methods and this place and willpower and all the blocks I have in place have worked just fine for me for the last 14 months , everyone's so different , recovery's a bespoke thing and you have to try what you feel is right . I honestly think it's more about getting in the right frame of mind , covincing yourself , you really want to stop , you have to stop and that you can never safely gamble again , let all of the past stuff go , accept your losses and your debt's and maybe if you have to then look at them in a different way .

If you consider gambling as an illness for instance ?  an illness that could potentially kill anyone of us if we allow it to ? , then if you had an illness that would take your life but you could be cured by paying a surgeon whatever debt youve ammased so far , for arguments sake £ 30,000 , would you not then willingly pay that surgeon that amount in order to live normally again ? .

If your gambling debt were then seen as a payment for a cure it wouldn't become such an issue , would it ? .

Posted on:
Sun, 06/11/2016 - 22:58

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

You're right Alan. Our minds and thoughts play a massive part in our well - being. It's that half full half empty glass scenario.
Sometimes I can nearly work myself into a panic attack thinking of my debts, other times I can shrug them off and say it's all part of life's big learning curve, no need to worry, I'll get there. Same situation but our thoughts determine how we end up feeling for that day, panicked or chilled.
What's the use of panicking? It doesnt change anything. When I don't gamble I feel in control. I feel stronger and have genuine optimism for the future.
I will not gamble I want to stay strong.

Posted on:
Mon, 07/11/2016 - 19:04

Anon100

Joined:
2016-08-31

Hi, well done on your gf days.  Besides the blocks it sure is about training your brain to think differently, draw a line under the losses your never going to win them all back, even if you have a small win you would give it back and more.  The debts will come down if you stop gambling, look forwards never backwards.  Smile each day you remain gf, sing your head off in the shower and dance around the kitchen x best wishes x x

Posted on:
Mon, 07/11/2016 - 19:48

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Thanks anon. It sure is difficult sorting out what's best regarding debts without sinking into depression. Still trying to sort them. 3 months of bank statements no gambling debts then this last month - oh my, it seriously makes me feel sick just looking at it.
Well . . . I'm still breathing, I've still got employment and I've still got my wonderful family.
I've just got to keep gf hope my bank are sympathetic then move onward and upward.

Posted on:
Mon, 07/11/2016 - 19:51

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

By the way, has anyone heard anything from dizzymissy? I was just thinking about her and hoping she's doing OK.

Posted on:
Wed, 09/11/2016 - 12:52

Loxxie

Joined:
2016-01-15

Hey miss...thanks for the congrats..
Right. .. those debts !
Stop worrying about them hun. ..
Don't let them push you into a bad state in your head....yes... you are responsable for them....but don't let them become the weight on your shoulder that you defo don't need at the moment...
The companies you owe....can and will accept low payments...you may have to fight a bit...
Ok...it will take longer to clear...but at least it will make life easier at the moment...
Stay strong hun...you'll get there x

Posted on:
Wed, 09/11/2016 - 22:41

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Thanks loxxie, watched 'this time next year' with Davies mccall again tonight. I find it quite inspirational. Some of the people overcome massive problems through willpower and determination. I found myself thinking 'stop worrying, look at the problems these people are overcoming.'
As I keep saying I've got to dust myself down. Embrace the positives and enjoy life. Here's to a brighter future xx

Posted on:
Wed, 09/11/2016 - 23:24

ALAN 135

Joined:
Before 2009

Hi LML , Just saw your post to Loxxie LOL ! . 

I think many of us have spent so long in the clutches of gambling and feeling pretty miserable with life , It's nice now to have a few lighthearted laughs along along the way , It can get a bit raunchy at times but hopefully doesn't overstep the mark :)).

Feel free to jump right in anytime you like as there's usually a few lighthearted moment's going on most day's .

Lovely to see some great positivity coming from your diary as well and that yopur looking ahead to the good times to come :))

Enjoy your tommorow and best wishes 

Alan x

 

Posted on:
Thu, 10/11/2016 - 18:21

Loxxie

Joined:
2016-01-15

Yo miss..
I'm glad my diary made you chuckle....
Even us addicts deserve a giggle or two....
Doesn't mean we arnt taking our recovery serious though...
It just goes to show...that without the chains of addiction...we're all still normal people...
Well.....all accept Alan....he's got a weird collection of stuff...
Well done on your days and your spirit....and remember...it's good to laugh x

Posted on:
Thu, 10/11/2016 - 22:47

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Not one of my best days today.
My bank kept my card at their cash machine last night. (Unbeknown to me I'd tried to draw out over my allowed limit) I had to go and pick it up today.
The cashier pressed buttons on her terminal and all I could think was please don't be looking at all my gambling withdrawals.
She then showed the terminal to another lady and explained it had kept my card would she be able to give it back. Of course my guilty conscience thought she'd also be looking at the withdrawals.
After asking for ID (as expected) and making me write a signature they agreed to let me have it and said they didn't know why it had kept it. (I had enough money in to cover withdrawal.)
I do . . .it was quite a large amount and probably because of all the withdrawals I'd made on it over the last few weeks it thought something was going on.
I stood there feeling small, embarrassed and ashamed and promised myself that I'd never gamble again and make myself feel like this.
They probably didn't even look at my transactions but that's what guilt does to you.
Upon arriving home I opened a letter from my credit card company saying I had defaulted. Now I'm going to have to ring them. I've only had the card a month and had it on 0% interest. Now it looks like I've mucked that up. I paid an amount to cover it but in my gambling fogged head I had overspent my allowance by £30.
These things knock us down but I've to look at the positives. It helps to make me want to stop gambling all the more.
Another day gamble free. That's the main thing.
Still a long way to go but as long as I'm heading in the right direction I'm happy.
Keep fighting x

Posted on:
Sat, 12/11/2016 - 21:00

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Another gf day. Days are building up again. I feel I'm on track for to better future. Long may it continue x

Posted on:
Sun, 13/11/2016 - 11:23

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Diary, I'm struggling big style with who I am and what I am today. I hate this addiction. It's making me hate my life. I'm like a yo-yo - one minute fine, next minute sinking to the depths of despair.
I need to make so many changes in life or is it just this addiction that makes me think I need to?
Emailed krysallis to try to get more counselling. Negative thoughts, worry, stress, panic. All throwing themselves at me today in bucketfuls. Trying to work but really want to scream.
Hoping writing this down will calm me down, help me out. Got to get some hope back.
Massively sorry what I've become.

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