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Last post
Posted on:
Sat, 03/09/2016 - 00:33

dizzymissy78

Joined:
2016-06-10

Hello hun how are you feeling right now you are doing amazing have you found the urges subsiding I found around 30 days things seemed a lot easier!you definitely still get rough days and find yourself repeating cycles as if your about to gamble then your head says no I'm not doing that anymore!I still get days where I feel down where the profound stupidity hits me but they are getting less stay strong lots of love dizzy x

Posted on:
Tue, 06/09/2016 - 10:22

No more

Joined:
2011-06-30

Hi,

Thanks for your message and your support. I really appreciate it. I hope that all is well with yourself. Take care. 

Dave 

Posted on:
Sat, 10/09/2016 - 05:16

Glint

Joined:
2016-01-08

Thank you for the kind post Little miss lost.

'Thoughtful, witty and encouraging' you say.

Who am I to argue with that?

How are you?

Been over a week since the last update. Can feel the struggle through your posts but also see a lot of strength.

Nothing pathetic about missing the buzz. I get that. We're addicts, we uncontrollably crave gambling. It's powerful - not something that will go away overnight.

Keep making progress and the right choices Little miss lost.

Less than a week away from 50 days - doing great even if you're not feeling great yet.

Let me tell you: things will get better.

Hang on in there.

Posted on:
Sat, 10/09/2016 - 21:36

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Thanks glint, had a busy week so not had much time to post and not felt too tempted.
But tonight, tonight is different. Had a few hours to myself and boy how I have struggled. I received a letter in the post on a credit card which I had cleared and cut up a couple of months ago.
Now tonight I've been thinking all sorts of stupid things like putting large amount bets on for spins and spending up to £500 on it.
Thinking that if I put a big amount on because I haven't been on for a while I might win. If I win I could clear some of my debts etc etc.
I did take a step back though.
I thought about the gf days count I've built up on here which would have to go back to zero, this tugged at me a bit but then I thought, stuff it, it's my life why shouldn't I? what's it to anyone else! I thought about how I'm going to get back in touch with step change to go ahead with an Iva because I'm struggling with my debts and how I want to be able to say to them I haven't gambled now for over a month. I thought about how my friend asked me only today if I've 'been good' and I replied yes. I wouldn't be able to say that next time.
Yet still all my brain thought about was being able to watch those reels spin round and wanting to watch them stop, visualising them stopping on a bonus! The pull is so much. I know it will end in tears but still the stupid part in my brain says maybe it won't!!! The even dafter part in my head said I don't care if I don't win - I just want to watch those reels!!
It's soooo hard.
I forced myself to come on here.
Glint, I bet you didn't realise when you wrote the above post but you've stopped me in my tracks.
My brain had gone into gambling overdrive and I was struggling big style.
I truly do want to stop. I don't want my new beautiful little grandson to have a gambling addict for a granny. I don't want to upset others by this term but that's what I'd be. 44 days ago I was a complete mess. I've got to remember this. I don't want to go back to being that.
Thanks Glint, sounds dramatic which I don't intend it to be but you've made me come to my senses. I won't win no matter how much I put on. I hadn't won and managed to keep any winnings for months and months. Tonight would not have been any different. I've got to believe that.
To be honest I'm upset that gambling still has this pull. I wish it would go and it disheartens me to think it probably won't.
I will get to my 50 days gambling free count. I will go to work tomorrow and the money I earn I will keep.
Stay strong everyone
We've just got to beat this.
I've got to remember i'm doing it for my lovely family.

Posted on:
Sat, 10/09/2016 - 21:49

Cynical wife

Joined:
2015-06-23

It's not just about staying strong, it's about channelling the strength in the right direction. Time money location, when you're strong the best advice is to break the triangle to buy you time when you're less strong, when the inevitable compulsion tempts you.

And channelling your strength means using the GA or counselling to help you overcome the addiction, that's no sinecure, it takes strength.

Wish you well. Stay safe, keep posting.

CW

Posted on:
Sun, 11/09/2016 - 01:36

Loxxie

Joined:
2016-01-15

Hey. ..
Well done on coming here instead of running to the slots...
You know deep down it would end in more tears. ..
More debt...more heartache....
I've been exactly were you are tonight... all the feelings you typed tonight I've felt love.. ..I promise you it will get better....ride the wave love....it will get easier.....it's all a bit like chicken pox hun. ...
All the nasty spots have got to come out before you can begin to heal....
The days are mounting up love...keep the guards up...be strong....you can do this ....x

Posted on:
Sun, 11/09/2016 - 02:23

Oldhamktf

Joined:
2015-09-26

Well done for not giving in. You need to remove the temptation of this credit card. Keep posting and reading it helps keep the demons at bay and like you said you don't want to go back to that place you was about 6 weeks ago. Avoid the first bet that's the only one you have to focus on. 

KTF 

Posted on:
Sun, 11/09/2016 - 09:44

Glint

Joined:
2016-01-08

PHEW!!!

Didn't like where that was going as I tentatively read your last post through my fingers.

Well done, I'm really pleased I helped. That's what I try to do.

Good posts above, like Cynical wife's response.

Can you do more?

That is the question.

I'm not worried about you - I just don't want to be put through another post like that last one!

I'm no counsellor, more understanderor - I can identify with your urges to gamble. I notice that you write a lot about wanting to stop for the sake of friends, family, StepChange and your previous counsellor - all very admirable. You seem more concerned about what others think of you than what you think of yourself.

That's what you might need to work on.

I think trying to forgive yourself is one of the toughest things. Something that I - like many others here - struggle with.

Trying another counsellor might be a good idea. What have you got to lose? GamCare offer counselling free.

I think having regrets is good in a way: you should care if you make mistakes in life. Caring is good. Shows good character. Need to learn to manage regrets and not punish yourself with them.

Oscar Wilde once said: "The only difference between the saint and the sinner is that every saint has a past, and every sinner has a future."

Keep trying to find ways to make this easier for yourself.

Always take that step back to think before you gamble. Come here, read the forum and your own diary before you decide to gamble.

Pleased to write that you're still doing great, try not to be so hard on yourself or make this harder for yourself than it has to be.

You have a future without gambling.

Posted on:
Sun, 11/09/2016 - 23:45

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Thanks to all the above for your kind words. It's so good to know there are people on this site who understand.
Yes, last night was a close shave but I only realised this morning that I had the credit card number on my letter but I didn't have the three digit number off the back of the card! I kind of have a few numbers in my head that I could have tried but I didn't know it for definite. Letter is now ripped to shreds, credit card number gone.
CW. When I read your post I'll be honest. I thought it's easy for you to say. I have handed my debit/credit cards over to my friend. It's not easy facing the facts that at 52 years of age I'm not capable of keeping them myself. I know I don't want to go to GA and I've had councilling. (Maybe because i had councilling near my home) but i didn't like parking my car, walking into the building, seeing people and have them think she's a gambling addict. Is that wrong of me? Should it not bother me? It didn't make me feel good about myself. I used to think, I hope I don't see anyone I know. Well, whether it should or whether it shouldn't I didn't like the way it made me feel.
Glint, you're right - there's me again, worrying about what others think!
I was fine during my sessions but to be fair I only said so much.
My thoughts are mine I'm not comfortable with sharing them all with others. Saying that, the sessions did still help me and please note CW I'll always value your advice and know in many ways you are right.
Yes, I know I've to stop beating myself up. Yes I know I should not worry about what others think. Yes I know I should not be so hard on myself. I should look more at the positives.
If I do all that will it stop me wanting to gamble? Will I offend and does it make me a horrible person for saying I don't want to be known as a compulsive gambler? I know I probably am, I also know I don't want to admit it openly. Should I? Does it mean my recovery won't happen if I don't?
Sorry if it makes me sound negative, blinkered or bratified but. . .
Loxxie . . .I think I'll need a large bottle of calamine lotion for the size of these spots haha!
On the positive side, I am improving. When I think back to how I was, I am feeling so much better in myself. As I've said previously, the dark cloud has passed and only comes back occasionally, the heavy weight on my back has got lighter.
Get my finances looking better and that should help even more.
Massive thanks again for taking time out for me. I really do appreciate it x

Posted on:
Mon, 12/09/2016 - 07:19

Cynical wife

Joined:
2015-06-23

Morning,

No offence has been taken or is intended but I will pick up on the point that it's easy enough for me to say. Yes and no. Ok, I don't have a compulsion to bet but I spent a long time on the receiving end of someone else's compulsion to indulge himself by donating eye watering sums of family money to BetOnAnythingYouLike.Com.  And denying it and lying about it. That's shameful, what's wrong with me that I let it happen? What have I done to the children that I let their father steal from them?  It's over a year on, things are better but partly because I do help myself. I attend regular counselling and GamAnon meetings where I introduce myself with the standard wording: My name is...and my husband is a CG. There's comfort to be had from this but also the recognition of what needs to change in me. Which is a whole lot less comfortable.

Of course the addiction will tell you all sorts of lines to stop you doing what needs to be done. You don't want to be seen...and if you do go it might limit the gambling.

There's nothing shameful about overcoming an addiction. The contrary, living in recovery is something to be proud of. But it does involve doing everything that it takes to address the addict mindset, starting with an open acknowledgement of the problem. Total honesty, starting with yourself is a cornerstone of recovery. In attending the counselling last time, did you complete the previous course and did you really engage with it, rather than parrot what the Counsellor wanted to hear? I would urge you to go again and in being there, you're not saying that you're an addict and ashamed, you're there to overcome it. Ditto GA meetings, it's an aspect of getting the support you need to overcome it.

Wish you well.

CW

Posted on:
Mon, 12/09/2016 - 12:27

Loxxie

Joined:
2016-01-15

Your doing great love...your thinking things through...your talking on here...your NOT gambling so.....keep doing what your doing x

Posted on:
Mon, 12/09/2016 - 22:19

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Thanks loxxie and CW. Yes I did the full course of councilling through gamcare.
I stopped gambling for three months. I felt so much better in myself but to be fair it didn't take much to make me do it again once the councilling ended. Maybe it didn't help not having anyone to answer to? I obviously wasn't ready to stop just for me.
I thought I'd be OK all the usual cliches but a few weeks after I started gambling again and had fed back in a £1000 win plus extras I turned into a snivelling wreck again. All the old feelings of anxiety, despair and self hatred hit me again.
That's when I came on here. I'd visited the website before but had never written on it.
I was determined that I didn't want to live my life like this so I thought I'd have to put barriers in place which I have. I hadn't done before.
Don't let me put anybody off councilling. I got a lot from it and I'd recommend it to anyone.
I gambled off and on for a couple of months after councilling then I came on here.
Yes it's still difficult, especially when I have a quiet night, I just keep reminding myself how good it feels knowing I'm not having to wake up after yet another night of losing money.
It's so much better to feel like a human rather than a zombie!!
CW - I'm glad you say things seem to be getting better. Long may it continue for you. I'm not brilliant with words but there are many innocent people who get hurt along the way, i admire your strength x

Posted on:
Mon, 12/09/2016 - 22:32

Glint

Joined:
2016-01-08

Handing over cards, heading towards 50 days - you are doing very well.

Saddens me to read you write about decisions earlier in your life that have filled you with guilt and remorse that you feel you will never forgive yourself for (post #27).

Trying to manage those emotions might inadvertently help you with the gambling.

That's why I think another more open shot at the counselling might help you.

If you've tried it and really think it just isn't for you, then I respect that. GA certainly helps a lot of people but certainly isn't for everyone. Can appreciate that going into a room full of people would be too much at this stage; which is why I think counselling would be the better option for now.

You know you should worry less (we all worry a bit) about what people think; you know that you shouldn't be so hard on yourself.

You know what you should do, but can you do it?

If you do will it stop you gambling? I don't think you will know the answer to that until you deal with the underlying causes that make you worry and be critical of yourself.

How you deal with it is up to you.

Keep striving for the best possible life - don't settle for less.

Posted on:
Fri, 16/09/2016 - 11:24

Glint

Joined:
2016-01-08

Well done Little miss fifty!

Know how hard this is - great start.

Long way to go.

Stay strong.

Blessings

Glint

Posted on:
Fri, 16/09/2016 - 18:19

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Yeh, I've made it!!!!!
Thanks for noticing glint, it's very kind of you. In fact it's thanks to all who have sent messages of encouragement over the last 50 days. This site has been invaluable to helping me stay gf.
I'm looking forward to continuing and having a brighter happier future.

Posted on:
Fri, 16/09/2016 - 18:55

Oldhamktf

Joined:
2015-09-26

Happy Hawaii Day

Posted on:
Sat, 17/09/2016 - 00:58

Loxxie

Joined:
2016-01-15

Knew you'd do it....
Keep going hun. ..
The futures yours....
X

Posted on:
Sat, 17/09/2016 - 18:09

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Oh my, I've been looking at getting help from stepchange and I know they help lots of people but for me because of difficulties with my wages and what the outcome they say it will probably be, I don't want to go through with them.
I'm trying to make cut backs myself on my debts and one of them is I have just text my brother to ask if I can lower my payment which I give him each month against money I've borrowed off him in the past.
I've explained I've had councilling and I'm now determined to stop gambling but I'm struggling to pay back my debts.
He knew I'd borrowed £6000 in total off him 2 years ago to pay off gambling debts and hasn't mentioned it to me since. I've been paying him back £100 amonth direct debit.
I'm sat here feeling sick waiting for him to get back to me. I wanted to ask him to his face but failed to pluck up the courage every time I saw him.
I'm not sure how much of a shock this will be for him.
To think, getting caught up in gambling has brought me to this.

Posted on:
Sat, 17/09/2016 - 18:36

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

My brothers got back to me. Saying of course I can knock payment down.
He's put with it a lovely message which in my emotional state has had me blubbering.
I feel a bit daft for writing this on my diary earlier but I'd got myself into a state having to send the text and waiting for the reply. It's a big step having to admit to gambling and all the problems it brings.
Sometimes life can be so upsetting.
Hoping this is a positive step to help recovery.
Thanks diary for helping me on my way.

Posted on:
Sun, 18/09/2016 - 07:36

dizzymissy78

Joined:
2016-06-10

Heya hun thanks for posting on my diary I too know the feeling of waiting for a reply on texts we blurt out how we feel, put ourselves out there, and because we have little self worth feel like we won't or don't deserve anything back unfortunately for me I didn't get anything back and felt worse than I did before but I believe we find out who our true friends and family are when the chips are down! What a lovely brother u have that's such good news and less pressure for u my situation is similar step change couldn't help me either it's to do with being self employed and people on here have to realise what works for one doesn't work for another I'm still wondering if I will manage all my payments I think the worst one is bank charges!they have waived them so many times they won't help me now but I'm paying around £200 a month there is no one left I can borrow from so I'm Stuck with the cycle every month I hope bit by bit things will get better!x

Posted on:
Sun, 18/09/2016 - 09:16

twinklyr

Joined:
2016-01-16

Morning! I don't know if Stepchange and Payplan are exactly the same, but Payplan helped me. Have you seen that forum admin have arranged a live chat with them, later this week I think? Try to go on there and see what they say. I did contact Stepchange a couple of years ago, but found Payplan a lot 'warmer' if you know what I mean?! It's worth having a look I'd say, I was in a pretty dire state and was able to start sleeping properly and functioning like a normal human being almost immediately that I started talking to them. 

Your brother sounds like a peach, I know exactly how you feel, especially the bursting into tears at an act of kindness. Please don't give up on getting help Little Miss Lost. You're doing so well on the gambling front at over 50 days, give yourself a break on the debt front, try to make the chat or even contact them direct. 

Take care!

Twinks x

Posted on:
Sun, 18/09/2016 - 14:39

Loxxie

Joined:
2016-01-15

Hey hun
So glad the conversation went well with brother....I find the more I speak about my addiction....the better I feel....just goes to show ...open and honest is the way toward.....
Those days are mounting up now love....well done ..

Posted on:
Sun, 18/09/2016 - 22:07

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Thanks for all the above messages.
Kind of you to mention the debt help twinks - thanks but I'll be at work when the live chat is on.
I'm trying to sort a few things out myself with regards to debts so hoping I won't need payplan but I'll bear them in mind.
To be honest all who I have spoken to at stepchange have been lovely.
I was at work till 1 today and then I've been out. Had a walk with a friend and a drink at a pub in what is probably the last of the summer sun. Gorgeous weather, feeling happier with myself.
Long may it continue!

Posted on:
Wed, 28/09/2016 - 09:01

Loxxie

Joined:
2016-01-15

Hey. ..you ok out there little miss x

Posted on:
Wed, 28/09/2016 - 22:38

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Hi loxxie,
Yes I'm still here. Day 62.
Just been lying low a bit.
Still popping in on this site.
Still constantly having to tell myself that if I gamble again I won't win.
Sometimes it's difficult when you read aboit people having big wins.
My brain is still saying 'why don't you just have one last try. Raise the stakes, win big and withdraw.'
To tell you the truth loxxie, I'm getting a bit tired of having these thoughts so much.
I don't want them, but they're there. I'm still waking up in the morning, thinking of my situation and saying a silent prayer for strength.
I know it's up to me. I control my thoughts Only I can change them and i am trying. Mine is not a brilliant post to read so I apologise to any newbies reading.
I'll try to finish on positives.
It's a good feeling to look at my previous 2 months bank statements and not see any gambling withdrawals.
It's a good feeling knowing my last two months wages have gone towards paying my debts so that means my debts are going down - not by a lot - but still going down, which is in the right direction.
Bizzarly, it's a good feeling to not have pains in my right arm which I am now thinking could have been repetitive strain injury from pressing the start button on slot games. Has anyone else noticed this????
Thanks for thinking of me loxxie, it means a lot.
Hope you are well x

Posted on:
Wed, 28/09/2016 - 22:54

Loxxie

Joined:
2016-01-15

Great honest post miss...
I Understand and remember everything you've just said...
All I can say hun is...
That big win....even if it came in...wouldn't go to pay your debts....you'd play it through...and more....because that's what us compulsive gamblers do. ...so what's the point....
Those horrible urges....those ifs/buts about playing will lesson love.....it just all takes time...I sympathize with you saying you hate waking and feeling like this....imagine if you ran to the slots one night .....then you'd really feel like **** the next morning.....keep busy. ...have you seem any of the short films about slot addiction on you tube....some good ones on there.....I found them quite usefull....up to you love....anyway....your doing so well....just keep poodling on....and stay strong...x

Posted on:
Wed, 28/09/2016 - 23:31

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Thanks loxxie,
I watched a documentary on slots (it was on a few weeks ago maybe?) People were mentioning it on this site so I watched it on catch up.
I thought it was tragic, upsetting and pretty scary! I can't allow gambling to take over my life. I've got so many good reasons to kick it into touch and keep it there!
I'll have a look on you tube - thanks.
Take care x

Posted on:
Sun, 02/10/2016 - 11:12

Loxxie

Joined:
2016-01-15

Thanks for your kind words ...
I'm glad my dairy helps you a little...
Your doing so well hun. .66 days...
Keep doing what your doing...it's working x

Posted on:
Mon, 03/10/2016 - 01:42

dizzymissy78

Joined:
2016-06-10

Hi there yes I totally don't miss the achy arm thing after a bender he he I'm all over the place atm panic attacks not sleeping and that's nearly 4 months gf it's good for it all to come out but the guilt and even anger is overwhelming how can we as intelligent people do this to ourselves and our familys I drive past the bookies and see blokes with their kids playing at the front of the shop it's crazy and unreasonable bur once it takes hold it posses you ;so very sad you would never win because it's all not real just winning gives us more credits to keep on playing stay strong!dizzy x

Posted on:
Sat, 08/10/2016 - 11:29

No more

Joined:
2011-06-30

Hi little miss lost,

Thank you so much for your lovely message of support. I really appreciate it. Great to read that you are staying strong. Have a wonderful, gambling free weekend. 

Dave X

Posted on:
Mon, 17/10/2016 - 09:31

Loxxie

Joined:
2016-01-15

Hi miss
Thanks for popping over...I'm all good thanks...just busy !. .but that's great ..
Hubbies flight is this wednesday...
London not till end of November...so looking forward to that special time with daughters....
And all because I don't gamble !
Simple really isn't it....lol
We all know that's not quite how it is....but the longer were gamble free.....the better life gets....I'm hoping all's good with you love ...I've just not had the time to spend on here much lately...hope that doesnt sound selfish....it's just the way it is....I'm sure when the cold dark winter arrives I'll be curled up "talking for England ".lol
Stay safe....those days are getting nearer to 3 digits all the time...
X

Posted on:
Sat, 22/10/2016 - 17:43

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Haven't written in my diary for a while cos I've nothing uplifting to say and I'm fed up of sounding miserable! I haven't today but I've just got to write.
I phoned my bank today to ask if I could extend my loan so I could pay smaller payments each month because I was struggling to pay. I explained about my gambling problems and how I was trying to sort my life/finances out
I told them I'd contacted step change and they'd said they wanted me to pay just £29 between my creditors (of which there are 5) for the next 40 years!
I told my bank I wanted to try to pay more and could they help me. I pay £128 a month for my loan with them.
I've just transferred a £2000 overdraft with them to an interest free credit card for over 30 months so in the long run that will save me money.
Their reply was because I've managed to pay my loan so far and I have an overdraft facility on my bank account I was OK and couldn't have any help.
I told them that surely if I use my overdraft that means I've no money!!
I explained I only have £100 at the end of the month to live on for food etc after all my debts/bills are paid and thats partly why I've had to use my overdraft and if I go with step change they'll get next to nothing they didn't move and just said as far as they were concerned I had money because of my overdraft facility.
Bonkers!!

Posted on:
Sun, 23/10/2016 - 00:27

Glint

Joined:
2016-01-08

Nothing uplifting to say?

What you talking about Little miss lost?

Well, don't worry about having nothing uplifting to write.

I'll do it for you.

You're on the threshold of 100 days!

That's cool.

You're taking positive action with the debt, honourably paying off as much as possible and importantly not adding to it.

See you posting about helping other people.

I know, overall you're probably not feeling much better than on day 1. That does sadden me. It will take time, the debts are going down, the days without gambling are going up, things are and will slowly continue to get better.

I'm not too clued up on the banking stuff. I accumulated so much debt the bank closed my account. Didn't even have a bank account for years, now have the most basic one available. I'm not trusted with an overdraft. Think my account is usually reserved for those 16 and under - managed to get the guy in the bank to pull some strings for me.

Sounds like you have a couple of options and tried to negotiate a third that's somewhere in between. Could you not increase the amount you pay to your creditors through StepChange? Probably be more flexible than the bank.

Never see you as miserable. Gambling addiction is tough, things aren't perfect as soon as we stop gambling - it's a long process.

You're on your way.

Posted on:
Wed, 26/10/2016 - 07:05

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Here I am saying I've totally lost the plot. Been up all night on the slots. I had access to a damn card. Proof i Can't be trusted
Feel utterly **** again. Haven't had this desperate feeling for months.
Went on it the other day, won quite a bit and now I've put half of the winnings back. I was going to do so much with it but no I have to repeat history. I'll never learn.
I'm sorry to everyone who has encouraged me.
I did stay gamble free for 87 days then totally lost the plot.
Nobody has to reply because the way I'm feeling I won't be writing on the site again.
How can I try to help other people on their diaries when I can't help myself?
Back to feeling sick, hating myself , future looks bleak. I'm just a hopeless case.
Sorry if any of this offends. I don't intend to, just feel so upset with myself.
Good luck to all who are fighting so well.

Posted on:
Wed, 26/10/2016 - 07:33

Oldhamktf

Joined:
2015-09-26

LML

Never give up on giving up. 

Yes you screwed up but you can sort it out. You've seen where you have gone wrong, black the access to the card, get some support from family, gamcare and GA. 

Don't run away from here this is the time you need here the most. You got to 87 days let's make it at least  187 days this time You're not the first to slip up and you won't be the last. It's now about what you do from here. 

I'll finish the same way I started. 

Never give up on giving up. 

KTF 

 

Posted on:
Wed, 26/10/2016 - 07:51

Loxxie

Joined:
2016-01-15

Hey miss...
It happens...no need to apologise to any of us here....remember...we don't judge each other....we support each other...you've come straight back here and told us what happenend so now you carry on again.....close that final door and ditch that card.....ok...you feel like **** today but look at the days you felt so good. ...the days you didn't gamble.....you can do it again hun. ....and you'll be stronger .....keep coming here....keep fighting....xx

Posted on:
Wed, 26/10/2016 - 08:39

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Feeling terrible.
I'm going out with my daughters and baby grandson today. I've been looking forward to it all week.
I've had one hours sleep. I feel shaky and a mess..
Call myself a mother? I need my head examining.
I've got friends coming round tonight. Don't want them to come now. Don't want to socialise, face people. All the usual crappy feelings back with a vengeance.
Why do I do this? Why am I so flipping weak?
You say I can try again, don't give up. In the meantime I've got to live with more remorse, more guilt. Know that I'm weak.
How am I going to get my head round this? Know that I've been so stupid yet try to enjoy the day ahead.
Here I go again, whine , whine flipping whine. All self- inflicted.
This is my life x

Posted on:
Wed, 26/10/2016 - 08:53

Loxxie

Joined:
2016-01-15

Yes....it is your life love...
And yes....you feel like poop today...but remember how good you felt last week....you CAN feel like that again...and you will...if you change something....shut the door completely. ...get rid of that last card.. do whatever it takes love.....
As for today....put your face on and get out with your children and enjoy them....don't let your addiction keep you from them...
Beating yourself up about your relapse will do no good...
Learn from it...put those awfull feelings that a relapse brings in a little box in your head....you can't do anything to rewind the last few days love....you can do things to stop it happening again... and that's what matters....
Come on....coffee... shower...face on....and fight xxxxx

Posted on:
Wed, 26/10/2016 - 09:08

Anon100

Joined:
2016-08-31

HI, come on pick yourself up and start again, it's a blip don't let it ruin your day and future , you have proved you can do this , keep coming on here when you feel the urge or make yourself busy.  It serves no purpose and won't help by keep beating yourself up, you will just feel more depressed.  Remember the good times you had whilst not gf.  Best wishes, stay strong, and today is the first day of the rest of your life x x 

 

Posted on:
Wed, 26/10/2016 - 09:10

Anon100

Joined:
2016-08-31

Sorry meant not gambling x 

Posted on:
Wed, 26/10/2016 - 10:15

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Up and showered. So difficult knowing that yesterday I had some money which I should have used to make my life easier.
Then Zombie mode takes over.
I'm not making excuses. Greed, hoping to make things even better. Stupidity.
Yes I've got to get on with it. Dust myself down and as you say loxxie put it away in a box in my head.
I've got more boxes in there than Noel has on deal or no deal!!
Thanks everyone for your support.
52 years old and I still feel I need to grow up. Never imagined I'd be in this position but I am and I have to get on with it. x

Posted on:
Wed, 26/10/2016 - 11:30

Loxxie

Joined:
2016-01-15

Good to hear miss. ..
And I know exactly what you mean ...we're the same age love...so yes...maybe we should have known better .. but we didn't set out to become addicts. ...but we've recognised that we are.... So that's improvement .....
Those boxes in your head can be used usefully love....if an urge strikes....take a peek inside to remind you of the vile place those slots take you to....
Go enjoy your day....
Yesterday's gone...
Tommorrows not promised..
It's today that matters
Xx

Posted on:
Wed, 26/10/2016 - 22:54

Anon100

Joined:
2016-08-31

Hope you had a nice day with the family x 

Posted on:
Thu, 27/10/2016 - 09:20

Lulubobs1966

Joined:
2015-07-19

Hi Little Miss Lost just dropping by to wish you well. I'm 50 a week Tuesday so we are nearly same age. You hit a nerve with me when you said you had to grow up I feel like that too hun ashamed with myself at my age when I should know better but it's an addiction and it can strike anyone at any age especially as in our age group we started the destruction later in life due to no internet when we were young lol sometimes I wish it had never been invented. Best of wishes hun keep strong and stay safe Lu x

Posted on:
Thu, 27/10/2016 - 10:37

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Thanks for all of your kind messages.
I ended up having a lovely day yesterday. Out and about, then a meal. My girls said I looked tired - yep! Did I spill the beans and tell them about my addiction? - nope. I still kept it locked away, pounding to get out of that box. i still can't admit to them. I just don't want to add being an addict onto my list of failures. As I've said previously I've had 'labels' attached to me in my lifetime. I just can't face having another one put on me.
Does that make me a coward, bad person , fool??? After all, I've to face facts - I am that person.
Stupid thing is, I came out winning on my relapse but I feel absolutely terrible. Partly because I was stupid and gave half of my winnings back a couple of days later (now I've to face my friend who I'd told I'd won to, she'll be asking me which credit card I paid off and told me in no uncertain terms that I was a fool for going on again! - I know, I know!!) And it scares me that I'll never be free from this evil.
Sorry, my head's a bit of a shed but I'm OK. Just need a few days to help close the gaping hole I feel I have in my heart. The one that tells me I've let my family/friends down yet again and above all else myself.
Problem is, even when I don't gamble I don't have any money. Life just seems to be one big struggle.

Posted on:
Thu, 27/10/2016 - 10:48

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Just re-read my last post.
I hate the fact that I seem to be all doom and gloom.
I had even sent an email to the samaritans to spare you all having to read about me bleating on!
I know I've to change my mindset. I can work that out for myself.
I've said before I'm lucky because yes, like many people, I have many problems (mainly caused through money) in my life but I also have many positives the main ones being my family/friends and reasonably good health.
I've got to pick myself up and start again.

Posted on:
Thu, 27/10/2016 - 10:48

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Just re-read my last post.
I hate the fact that I seem to be all doom and gloom.
I had even sent an email to the samaritans to spare you all having to read about me bleating on!
I know I've to change my mindset. I can work that out for myself.
I've said before I'm lucky because yes, like many people, I have many problems (mainly caused through money) in my life but I also have many positives the main ones being my family/friends and reasonably good health.
I've got to pick myself up and start again.

Posted on:
Thu, 27/10/2016 - 12:55

Anonymous User

Joined:
2014-05-25

Its ok to be sad.  Use the diary to express how you feel and your thoughts. You are important.

Posted on:
Thu, 27/10/2016 - 14:49

ALAN 135

Joined:
Before 2009

Hi LmL , It takes a little time to see light at the end of the tunnel but you do have to sit sometimes and reflect on the positives you have in your life , instead of dwelling on the negatives , there's hardly anyone on here who's not been affected financially as a result of what weve done while in the grasp of this addiction of ours and all thiose feelings of guilt, anger and that feeling of what have I done or how could I have been so stupid stay with us for a while initially , it will get better and once accepted you'll get to like yourself a little better and begin to forgive , were all human and as such we all make mistakes in life and this is just one of them but being human gifts  us the opportunity to also learn from those mistakes and at the end of the day it's just money and that comes and goes throughout our lives , it's a means to an end and nothing more and all debt's can be repaid over time however long that takes . 

Don't beat yourself up as it won't aid your recovery , whats done is done so time to draw that line and move on , keep ranting on here if you find it helps , it's not just for the good times which will return in time and I've alway's found venting to be very theraputic :)).

Be proud in yourself for addressing your addiction and actively doing something about it but remember to look after you too !!

Alan x

Posted on:
Thu, 27/10/2016 - 18:43

Lulubobs1966

Joined:
2015-07-19

Hi lml really feel for you I understand the really low feelings hope your bit better now I don't mind you 'ranting' just let off steam on my thread if you want I really do understand x Lu x

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