GamCare Logo

Error message

Notice: Undefined property: stdClass::$field_banner_image in gamcare_preprocess_page() (line 61 of /data/websites-live/www.gamcare.org.uk/public/sites/all/themes/gamcare/template.php).
Login / Register

Uphill struggle

407 posts / 0 new
Last post

Pages

Posted by
Messages
#1 Posted on:
Sun, 07/08/2016 - 23:10

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Hoping starting a diary will prevent me from gambling. I have previously stopped for three months and I think it was because I wanted to be able to tell my counsellor that I hadn't gambled week after week.
Will it work if I have to write it in my diary day after day - I hope so.
I'm 10 days gambling free and with each passing day I'm finding it more and more difficult. When you've had a big loss it's easier to stop gambling for a few days but then the stupid thoughts come back into my head telling me to have another go - maybe i'll be lucky this time.
Thinking about the games I love to play and the buzz it gives me whilst playing is really a strong pull. I've just got to remember how distraught and desperate I feel when I've lost and hopefully this will stop me.
I'll sign in again tomorrow. I must stay strong.

Posted on:
Sun, 07/08/2016 - 23:28

Down and Out

Joined:
2015-01-30

Keep remembering that feeling and you know you can't win because you can't stop. Good idea to start a diary think I might try it. I'm going back to counselling and I've decided to pay for it as I don't want to wait and it's more important than anything else. So maybe put that money you might put on your next  spin/bet into something with much more value. I found counselling surprisingly helpful before - before I got complacent - and am going to go again. This time...

Posted on:
Sun, 07/08/2016 - 23:32

Loxxie

Joined:
2016-01-15

Hey miss..
You ask Will a diary help you stop running to those online slots ?
It helped me immensly in my early days..
The early day emotions were awfull...the urges...the guilt...self disgust....I remember it all...
Keep that triangle broken...keep your diary beside you...just take each day at a time....it can be done ...take a read of my journey...it may help...it may not....online slots will give you NOTHING my love....because as a compulsive gambler you can't stop !
I wish you well...and just ramble away in your diary instead of hitting the slots x

Posted on:
Mon, 08/08/2016 - 06:36

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

6am. Wake up and think about my life - well basically think about my problems. Think about how much I wanted to play the slots last night, pleased with myself that I didn't then re-live the moment 11 days ago when I was winning over £1000 and put it all back in. Think again how it could have cleared my overdraft. I know you shouldn't look back but I've got to because that evening and when I think of it many others made me realise that I'll never win because I can't stop.
Massive problem. It's a massive problem I don't want. I can't be that person. I want to be someone else. Someone who's every waking moment is not full of regret, self disgust, feeling like a fool, hiding away, not wanting to admit. I want to be able to wake up and think nice thoughts. I'm lucky, I've got so much good in my life yet this overwhelming feeling of I'm never going to get out of this downward spiral takes president to all the good things I should be enjoying. Scary thoughts of I'm never going to be able to pay off stupid brainwashed gambling debts. How did those hundreds become thousands??? To think I used to be upset if I went into my overdraft. I'd never had a credit card. Now I've got 3. I'd never taken out a loan now I've got a £7000 one. I've never borrowed money now I owe my brother £4000, it was £6000.
Massive, massive regrets. I can't let it take over my life anymore. I want to be free from it. Only I can do it.
Thanks for the comments, encouragement and advice. I hope we can beat this together.

Posted on:
Mon, 08/08/2016 - 08:03

Loxxie

Joined:
2016-01-15

It will get better love...
Not over night...but everyday you don't gamble will be another day that your life stands a chance of improving....
Letting go off all those losses has got to happen....that cash has gone....never coming back....debts can be sorted to a comfortable repayment plan so you can still have a life....you will wake again one morning feeling good...feeling normal...I know you probably can't imagine that now....I couldn't 200 odd days ago....but I promise you that day will come if you stay away from the slots....not easy by any means....but what's the alternative ?
No magic wand love....but it's all within your reach ....x

Posted on:
Tue, 09/08/2016 - 00:01

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Oh for a magic wand! Came home tonight, is it because I've an empty house or is it purely because I love the thought of playing the slots and seeing whether I'll be lucky! I really wanted to have a go and to be perfectly honest the first thing that stopped me was because I'd lose my 11 days gambling free count. Secondly, I did think; do I want to beat this or not - don't do it!!!
It scares me though because I had such a strong pull to gamble. Why should that be when all I'm doing is getting upset about the massive debts I have to pay off?
Well, it's midnight. Another day to add to my tally. I must never forget, I've got to beat this or else I'll lose sooo much.

Posted on:
Tue, 09/08/2016 - 00:06

Loxxie

Joined:
2016-01-15

Massive well done for fighting the urge...and coming here...
You know deep down love...you won't win....
Soon be two weeks ....keep those days building girl x

Posted on:
Tue, 09/08/2016 - 09:07

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Woke up this morning. As usual the first thing I thought of was the situation I'm in. Then realised I had a smile on my face. This was because I had thought - yeh, I never lost any money last night!! Then the moment was spoilt because i then went on to think - ahh but you never won any either! - the sign of a truly sick mind.
At least I'm realising it's sick and not acting upon it. C'mon girl you can do it . . . 12 days and counting!

Posted on:
Tue, 09/08/2016 - 09:19

Loxxie

Joined:
2016-01-15

Yes.....you can do it....and you have for 12 days. ...keep plodding on ....everyday you don't play means money saved !
I know it's hard in these early days...but please please have faith it will get better xx

Posted on:
Wed, 10/08/2016 - 00:06

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Just driving home from a friends. Thinking when I get home I want to play online on the slots. Oh why is it so appealing???? I even felt good when I thought about it, imagining the reels spinning round, wondering if they'd stop on a bonus.
Arrgghhh it scares me, just how much I feel the need to play. 'Normal' people don't have this problem. I don't want this problem!!
I remind myself of the times I've lost loads of money and had to ring the samaritans at 4 in the morning feeling totally disgusted in myself and distraught. The times I've had to ring gamcare at 8 in the morning so they can tell me I'm not a waste of space and that I will be OK coping at work.
Eyes are dropping whilst writing this. Yes, just onto my 13th day. I didn't succumb to the impulse. Want to wake up with another smile on my face x

Posted on:
Wed, 10/08/2016 - 07:46

Loxxie

Joined:
2016-01-15

Massive well done on fighting another urge...you know deep down you won't get that win or that bonus....or even if you did you wouldnt stop .....so no point in wasting your time or money... at least when you wake you can be mega proud that you didn't gave in....a little trick I used in early days when that little voice said .."come on let's play...you'll win...it won't hurt...just a tenner "...I used to say..." your having a laugh...do you I'm stupid enough to give up my hard earned cash and days not Playing to a bloody slot machine. ...now jog on " !
Was another way of giving me time to think about it....like you I can remember when coming home....or waking up....putting my laptop on was done even before I put the kettle on !
I promise you it does get easier ...stay safe x

Posted on:
Thu, 11/08/2016 - 08:06

Loxxie

Joined:
2016-01-15

14 days .....that's 2 weeks when I was at school !
Be proud..well done love x

Posted on:
Thu, 11/08/2016 - 20:09

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Thanks for your question half life. Blocks, that's where I feel I've failed. In my lowest moments I've tried to download k9 and gamblock on my phone but with no success. I also read how these blocks can mess your phones up so that puts me off a bit. When I've tried and failed to download I haven't pushed it mainly for that reason.
I've given my friend my credit cards but I've still got my bank card which has some overdraft left on it which in my head I know I need for living. I know I should give that to my friend along with the credit cards but I (and my daughters for online things!) just seem to use it so much. My daughters usually give me the cash a week later on payday!
I've self excluded from so many sites but we all know how easy it is to find another. So really, I'm glad you asked the question. I've got to do more. Probably from reading the above have a change of lifestyle where my bank card is concerned. I'm sure the urges won't come so much if I knew it was impossible to gamble.
I do only struggle with online gambling which I do on my phone. I've never gone into a bookies or arcade shop and I've never had the inclination to go in one, so to stop being able to gamble on my phone would help.
Am I making excuses??? It sounds like it. I also haven't opened up to family which is what everyone pushes but one day at a time. I'm not kidding myself I know I've got a hard slog ahead. I know you'll probably read this and say that's it she's going to fail but I'm feeling good with myself at the moment so don't be too hard on me!!

Posted on:
Thu, 11/08/2016 - 20:19

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Thanks loxxie, kind of you to say. I've explained on one of my posts that part of the reason I stopped gambling whilst seeing my councellor was because I wanted to tell her each week I'd succeeded. Looks like you've taken her place with you commenting on another successful gf day for me. I'm having to clock in to you now haha!
No pressure, only kidding x

Posted on:
Thu, 11/08/2016 - 23:22

Loxxie

Joined:
2016-01-15

Lol...no pressure taken hun !
It's all about you being proud...for you...because youve made the right choices. ..I've probs said before but have you tried parental controls on your broadband...that's what I use...in the early days it's great to have as many stalling blocks as possible...
Open up to your family when you feel you can ....I wasnt keen....but so glad i did...told those that needed to know....same with friends...told the ones I wanted to share it with...x

Posted on:
Fri, 12/08/2016 - 00:29

stewpots38

Joined:
2013-11-04

At day 21 for me so good to read this. 99.9% of my gambling on line. I spent 1900 of winnings in one day on slots. I've gambled for 35yrs lost probably 300,000 went bankcrupt. Still the urge is there.

Posted on:
Sat, 13/08/2016 - 00:55

Lordlucan

Joined:
2015-08-09

Hi there thank you so much for dropping by on my diary. We will beat this.

There is no way I am going to let those online sites beat me up for a few spins on a wheel. The buzz is still there for me but writing down my hate for these cash cows really gets me running away. 

I Am looking forward to hearing great things from your posts. Thanks once again. 

Posted on:
Sat, 13/08/2016 - 23:52

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Thanks for all of your support. I phoned my phone company today asking if I could block gambling sites. No problem they said. We'll just block 'over 18' sites. I was really pleased. I came off and tried to get on a gambling site to check it had worked. and couldn't get on it! Great thought me, i wished I'd done it years ago.
Then disaster. I tried to get on other sites like asda, groupon and couldn't get onto them either. The clinch came when I couldn't get onto my work account. I need to download jobs and my only option is to use my phone. No good then. Had to ring phone company again and take it off. Day 17 soon. Still determined.

Posted on:
Sun, 14/08/2016 - 08:06

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Day 17. Went out with family last night. Sat chatting, having a laugh and it struck me how much better I was feeling in myself.
I didn't feel like I had a dark cloud above my head. I didn't feel like I had a large weight on my back. I didn't feel like I was putting on an act because I had a guilty secret.
Yes I've still got all my debts. Yes, I still worry how I am going to cope but it's amazing how not gambling for a short while can change you emotionally.
Waking up in a morning, first thoughts are how much did I lose last night? answer = big fat 0 pounds = good feeling. Long may it continue.

Posted on:
Sun, 14/08/2016 - 23:26

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Oh my, emotions emotions.
It can sometimes bring me down reading this site. There's a lot of sad stories, struggles and upset. It's such a difficult addiction to conquer an control. Scarey thoughts when I'm just 17 days in.
When I get a quiet 10 minutes I still think about online slots and I remember the buzz just watching the reels spinning.
I then bring myself to think about how much better I'm feeling in myself and that today I thought blimey, my bank balance still looks like it did a few days ago when I looked - amazing! I used to hate having to look at my bank statement and see all the withdrawals for gambling sites.
In quiet times, the spin of the reels beckon but I've got to keep thinking of all the negatives.
Tires me out. This site can be depressing but it keeps my mind occupied. Sleepy now so it's done the trick again. So ends another gf day x

Posted on:
Mon, 15/08/2016 - 17:34

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Difficult one. I say this site can be depressing but I need it, it helps me. I guess I'm looking at the negative. There's so many who write upset with themselves. There seems to be so many who try to stop. They count the gf days then trip up again.
I don't want a lifetime of being beholden to this addiction.
I've got myself into this mess so I guess I'm stuck with it. I suppose learning to deal with it is the next step.
I'm not all negative. There's also people on this site who are amazing. Giving words of encouragement and advice to those in need.
Thank you to all of you and long may your gf days continue.
Sending strength to all in need.
Sorry if people think I'm waffling, just ignore me. In a stupid way it helps.

Posted on:
Mon, 15/08/2016 - 23:29

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

So to bed. Instead of gambling at this time of the night I read this site.
Amazing touching stories of people's lives.
I'm halfway through a good reading book but find myself reading posts instead.
Mixed emotions.
Sometimes I'm uplifted, sometimes think I'm a hopeless case especially when I read only 4% fully recover from this addiction - really?? Not good.
Plucked up the courage to look at my bank statement tonight. Clear as day the gambling websites. My daughter couldn't fail to notice all the money I'd spent at online sites. The names of them clearly stating they were casinos.
She's still not mentioned it and neither have my other daughters.
On holiday from work tomorrow. Spending the day with my daughters. Will they question me? I'll find out in morning.
Day 19 tomorrow. I will succeed! I have to because I hate the alternative x

Posted on:
Tue, 16/08/2016 - 00:28

Oldhamktf

Joined:
2015-09-26

You're doing really well. I've been where you are with the posts on here but if it was easy this place wouldn't be busy.

Take strength from the negatives and learn from others mistakes and don't repeat them.

The good stuff and they're is lots of it, take inspiration from them and you will continue to find some great stories and that give you that lift and show it is possible  

KTF  

Posted on:
Wed, 17/08/2016 - 17:32

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Thanks KTF and Half- life for taking time out.
I really don't fancy GA. Partly because I don't want to be recognised and I don't want to admit in front of others - is that bad? Does that mean I'm not serious about wanting to stop? I hope not.
Maybe if I'd lost a few thousand I wouldn't feel so bad but I haven't. I've lost much much more and I feel terrible about it. Fool, idiot, stupid, weak, mug, sad are all words which come to mind.
I've made decisions in earlier life that have filled me with guilt and remorse. I've got personal problems now in life but hasn't everybody? That should not be an excuse .
Through gamcare I've had a course of counselling to deal with my guilt issues and yes I spoke about it. Yes, my counsellor was great. Made me feel I'd done the best I could in the circumstances But still the outcome was, i'll never forgive myself. Yes I'll deal with it and I can get by with that.
The reason I'm saying this is because I can't see what another course of counselling could do for me either. I've said all I wanted to say.
Its not easy to admit and say things you're not proud of.
What am I left with, which could help to take away the problem? Not a lot.
I'm doing ok. I apologise if what I've written is wishy washy. Looking forward to another gf evening.

Posted on:
Wed, 17/08/2016 - 17:58

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Ps I said looking forward to a gambling free evening. To be honest, I'd much rather hide away, go on the slots, spin the reels and feel the buzz but i know I've not got the finances to do it and I know I'll probably end up hating myself more when I've lost so. . . gambling free it's got to be if I want to stay sane and not turn into a hundred miles an hour heart racing, panic attacking, self- loathing heap. That's a good enough reason.
In fact now I've written this I'm thinking what an idiot. I've made myself feel sick thinking I'd rather be doing that. Gambling sites have had enough off me and enough of me.
I like not feeling as I've just described above. I've felt like it many times. I don't feel like it now 20 days gf and I don't want to feel like it again.
Sorry if anyone reads, I chat rubbish but it helps.

Posted on:
Wed, 17/08/2016 - 18:41

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Just worked out - £400 a month I'm paying out solely on gambling debts accumulated over the past 4 years. (Low interest bank loan, 0%credit cards and loan from brother.)
I'll be having to pay this for the next 5 years to clear my debts.
Unfortunately it leaves me with next to nothing at the end the month and means i have to work a 6 day week.
Anyone who may be reading this who thinks I'm not sure if I have a problem take heed.
Carry on gambling or in my case doing online slots and you too can have debts like me.
STOP NOW, do something else, please learn from my mistakes. There's so much more you can be doing.
Oh what I could do with that £400. I try not to think about it now, it's too upsetting but I want to be able to think about it in 5 years time when because I stopped gambling now that money will be mine to enjoy.

Posted on:
Wed, 17/08/2016 - 23:21

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Thanks half -life. I contacted step change a couple of months ago. Their plans showed me paying similar amounts as to what I'm paying now but to allow me to have a bit of extra money at the end of the month they told me to pay only a small amount a month to my brother. (£10) I can't do that so I didn't go with them. (Mind you stupidly I added a couple of extra grand on a credit card after I'd spoken to them so not sure what they'd say now) I already have 0% interest credit cards and a low percentage interest on my bank loan. All my mortgage /utilities are paid by direct debits and up to date so it's just the loans and credit cards.
I know I've got to draw a line under the losses.
To be honest at the moment I'm just grateful my minds thinking pretty clearly, I'm slowly taking my head back out of the sand which I've been burying it in and looking at the damage I've done financially and even though its not easy I'm feeling a bit happier in myself for being able to do so.
In the recent past I have honestly felt I've been spiralling further and further down and out of control.
I've been terrified thinking if I can't stop this I'll lose everything - health, home, family and friends. Having massive panic attacks and calling helplines in the middle of the night and early morning.
At the minute I'm content with knowing I feel like I'm coping, I'm sleeping better and if I stay gamble free things can only improve. Massive bonus just being able to think this way. At one point I never thought I'd be able to again.
I know I've a long slog ahead of me. I can't become complacent and let myself get sucked in again. I don't want to feel that desperate ever again.
Day 21 tomorrow yeh! - It sounds longer than 3 weeks!!

Posted on:
Thu, 18/08/2016 - 06:04

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

5.40am and awake. Just re- read my first posts on new members intros forum.
I'm in a good place at the moment. Instead of thinking negatively about the money i have to pay towards debts I'm thinking positively. With thoughts of in the future those debts can only go down and not up anymore. I've had enough of thinking that's another £1000 added on a credit card. Juggling from one card to another. Instead of added I want to be able to think thats another £1000 taken off. For years I've been skinning myself paying hundreds every month towards debts which every month just go up because I've continued gambling. Not any more. I long for the moment I can feel like I'm making inroads and my debts will get smaller. Truthfully I know it will take a long time to notice any changes but whilst my brain is happy to think in this way I'm more than happy to allow it. It's a damn sight better than the negative feelings that I normally have.
One day becomes a week, next big step is that week to become a month. Memo to me; Stay positive li'l miss, it's such a better way of life. x

Posted on:
Thu, 18/08/2016 - 15:45

Shep72

Joined:
2016-02-22

Hi LML,

Thanks for your kind words on my diary page. Nice reading your last post with yousaying "I'm in a good place at the moment". One of the first things they told me at GA was "forget about money lost, that's gone".........If I can do it so can anyone! Believe me I hated losing, chasing loses was the worst and most damaging part of my addiction. Ok, the debts there to pay back, don't go stretching yourself trying to pay it off too quickly. Enjoy life gamble free, everyday you are saving money not gambling. We all know everyday life has its up and downs but mix in with that a gambling addiction, who wants to live a life like that. I never want to return! At the moment I'm only paying the minimum from my debt. At the moment its interest free on a CC, so any spare cash I overpay on my mortgage.

To be honest I do have a worry that once all the gambling debts have been paid off in 3-4 years (that's my plan) then I may be vulnerable, as that's a place where I started. But I'm not worrying about that "one day at a time". Like you end your last post "stay positive"..........again great mind set. Live the life and bl00dy enjoy it. That month gamble free will be here soon. X

All the best. Shep 

Posted on:
Thu, 18/08/2016 - 16:12

Liam4974

Joined:
2016-08-17

Hey little miss lost, 

New member here and like yourself I have recently decided enough is enough, I can't believe how so many people on this site have the same or similar stories and I have been hiding this and eating away at myself.

I have not had a gamble in a day so would not have any advice that would be of use to you.

Good luck with your recovery though, each day is a new day

Posted on:
Thu, 18/08/2016 - 23:56

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Great to hear from the above, thanks.
Good day again today. On holiday from work at the moment. Went to a big car boot nearby. Actually bought a couple of bits for myself. Didn't add up to much but a month ago I wouldn't have bought them. That's because I'd have thought I can't because I would have just lost money the night before.
Yes I'm in my overdraft but I know I'm paying a lot of my hard earned wages off my debts at the end of the month so I'm going to allow myself a few treats. Ridiculous really. I spent just under a tenner on myself and it felt great. I thought nothing of putting hundreds into a slot machine online but in the past a couple of things I bought today I wouldn't have bought if I hadn't had these last three gf weeks. I know that for a fact.
All's good. Here's to tomorrow.

Posted on:
Fri, 19/08/2016 - 03:48

ODAAT

Joined:
2014-11-10

Hi LML, the fear you have about meetings is real but that doesn't mean you need to fear them!  I did too to start with, I was petrified that people would know my dirty little secret, good people who thought I was next in line to be the Queen (or someone really important & lovely & good), people who probably would have believed me if I'd denied being me & invented a twin but I went to one & have to admit it was magical!  The obvious question you will be wanting to ask is how I get on @ them now but I can't answer because when I say I went to one, I literally did!  It was [email protected]'s main room then & it was a 2 hour drive away.  I know where my local one is & I will be there like a shot if I wobble or my recovery takes a different path to the one I am currently on which is a kind of bury my head in the sand & enjoy being gamble free one.  The reason I am waffling is your question about how to move forwards when you can never forgive yourself & although I know jack all about the 12 steps, I do understand that this is part of the recovery process! 

If you haven't already, have a wade through [email protected]'s diary! There is some painful stuff in there but he's been in recovery for 9 years & is making his recovery count so he's learned a thing or 2.  There may be some 'exercises' in there that you find useful or some stuff that hits home & helps you move past your painful decisions of your past!

Try not to get too hooked up on the financial side of things, get to those car boots & enjoy every penny you spend on yourself & as you rebuild your relationship with money, keep fighting hard to rebuild your relationship with you!  

As my good friend Ade2 told me, we're not bad people, we just took a wrong turn!  Yes, we may have to manage our addictions for life but having gotten up from rock bottom, sure makes the li'l things count - ODAAT 

Posted on:
Fri, 19/08/2016 - 17:44

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Kind of you to take time out ODAAT. I'll look up [email protected] a later.
Feeling OK at the moment but always so conscious of the fact that I have a gambling problem.
Every now and again out of nowhere it hits me smack, bang, Whollap, right between the eyes!
It's usually followed by me asking myself the question 'just who am I? what the hell have I done, how did I get to this?'
Sick feeling then appears only to slowly fade away when I tell myself . . .
'I'm OK. Look how much better you're feeling in yourself. Come on, you can do it!!'
Sign of madness talking to myself? - maybe, but it works for me haha!
There is light at the end of the tunnel. I've just got to stay on the right tracks.
Sending strength to all in need. We CAN and MUST do this!!

Posted on:
Fri, 19/08/2016 - 22:47

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Arggghh for goodness sake, just read a fair chunk of ODAATS diary. Inspiration in abundance i moved onto looking on Internet for information on a medical problem a friend has just told me about and what came up in between but an advert showing my favourite slot game. The bright colours the graphics and that flipping Irish leprechaun beckoning me in along with those glistening pots of gold. My heart flipped, my brain went into overdrive - oh my, I've missed you I thought. Then STOP I inwardly screamed to myself. What the hell are you doing? Only a month ago that little fella had you acting like a mad woman, crying down the phone -REMEMBER!!!. Think about how you've been feeling since you kicked him into touch. Stop looking at the colourful mesmerising spinning reels. They've been the cause of your downfall. They bring nothing but misery.
Day 23 tomorrow - doesn't sound that many days but it's a start. A start I'm determined to continue.
Strength to all. We are in charge of our own gambling destiny.

Posted on:
Sat, 20/08/2016 - 00:14

Oldhamktf

Joined:
2015-09-26

Great to your positivity been shared around the forum. Over 3 weeks now and some clarity coming into your thoughts. Keep treating this addiction with the respect it needs and you will continue to reap the rewards. 

KTF 

Posted on:
Sat, 20/08/2016 - 11:38

triangle

Joined:
2014-03-14

Oldhamktf wrote:

Great to your positivity been shared around the forum. Over 3 weeks now and some clarity coming into your thoughts. Keep treating this addiction with the respect it needs and you will continue to reap the rewards. 

KTF 

Thanks for the drop in on my diary too.  Appreciate the support.  Keep looking on others diaries and keeping an open mind

Posted on:
Sat, 20/08/2016 - 11:42

Shep72

Joined:
2016-02-22

All the adverts for the gambling sites just make me appreciate the greed and profits these companies make. Whether it's showing "great offers" or "live prices" or the "jackpots of the on-line slots", yes they are there for new customers but mainly there to keep us gamblers hooked. No way do they care how much we lose, all we are to them are customers. On-line gamers are just a username and an email address. They don't care where you live, family members, your past and even your credit rating. As long as you credit your account by whatever means they don't care.

So my mind set now when I see these adverts is "You greedy b...t..ds, your nothing to me now". I remember in my early recovery once seeing 3 gambling adverts in succession on one of the Sky channels and I had to turn over in disgust!

Posted on:
Mon, 22/08/2016 - 15:36

Glint

Joined:
2016-01-08

Hello Little miss lost

That damn Leprechaun.

It's a common misconception that Leprechauns are lucky. Leprechauns are charmingly mischievous tricksters. The folklore fable of a Leprechaun is principally to warn against greed and the foolishness of trying to get rich quick.

Remember that next time you see one.

How apt that they feature on so many slot games.

Lucky the Leprechaun has done a great job promoting the lucky image of Leprechauns by landing the deal to be the face of a famous breakfast cereal and further deceiving people into believing Leprechauns are lucky.

Give me Tony the Tiger any day.

Pleased to see you have received some great support already. Have seen you round the forum giving great support to others.

Keep up the good work!

You're bringing a lot of good to the forum.

Blessings

Glint

Posted on:
Tue, 23/08/2016 - 00:10

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Massive thank you to all the above for such kind words. I've just read your post to me Glint and it made me smile.
Half life I have put an ad blocker on my phone. Not too keen on doing things like that, firstly cos I'm not very good with technology and secondly I worry because I'm not very good, I'm an easy target to download something I wish I hadn't!
Anyway I think I've succeeded to download one. Time will tell.
Had a mixed couple of days.
Been really busy. Happy times/events are happening for me with my family.
I really want to enjoy this but it's difficult when money is scarce. (I'm in my overdraft now so really I don't have a penny of my own) I know people say there's lots you can do where you don't need money but when events are organised (celebration meals, family daytrips etc) you want to go.
This then sets the voice in your head which says 'just think, if you hadn't gambled for the last 4 years you'd easily have the money.' Arggh go away regrets and thinking about past losses!!'
If only it was that simple to get rid of those thoughts!!
I suppose the positives I have to take from this are that I'm actually aware and thinking about the damage I've done. As I've stated previously I've been very good at burying my head in the sand! Now I'm more aware, it makes me more determined not to go back there.
I also now consciously tell myself to not beat myself up, accept what's happened and look forward to a better way of life.
One where there will be no massive black cloud above my head. No heavy weight upon my back and no more self disgust caused he gambling. Bliss!!
Strength to all. If I can see my gf days clocking up there's hope for all - don't give up - a better life awaits!!

Posted on:
Tue, 23/08/2016 - 22:14

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Changed my password the other day. I'd originally set it up with the one I used on the online gambling sites. Every time I logged in it felt like I was logging in to gamble. I'm trying to get away from it so I don't want it any more. Funny what little things get to you.
Sending positive thoughts to one and all x

Posted on:
Wed, 24/08/2016 - 15:43

dizzymissy78

Joined:
2016-06-10

Hi I'm dizzy read your diary last night our stories are the same I'm on day 87 now and this place definitely helps, we all support each other, early days are tough but remember they say 30 days to break a habit, every day you get under your belt makes you feel stronger the self hating starts to fade debts start to be repaid and we learn to be kinder stop by and read my diary youl be surprised how similar we are take care and weldone for coming this far xxx

Posted on:
Thu, 25/08/2016 - 08:21

No more

Joined:
2011-06-30

Good morning and thank you for posting on my diary. I really appreciate it. 

I can really relate to the regret about not having the money to do the fun things in life because it has been spent on gambling. It took me a long time to get past the self loathing and to be honest I still have those days but I promise it does get easier with time. 

I find putting a small amount of money away each month for my children's future as well as a small amount for a holiday really helps to focus my mind. 

Take care and stay strong. 

Dave X

Posted on:
Fri, 26/08/2016 - 07:38

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Thanks dave, good to hear from you.
Well here goes another day.
I've been reading a few diaries.
There's so many of us in the same boat. I truly want to achieve what many on this site have gone on to achieve - to be gamble free.
I know I can. Reading diaries where many were In the same position as me proves that with care It can be done. So uplifting and good to read how being gf has given people such a better quality of life.
It's hard, I still miss the buzz but I'm equally loving not waking up in the morning with sore eyes, aches, pains and self loathing.
Head and heart feel ten times lighter, which results in me feeling soo much happier. x

Posted on:
Fri, 26/08/2016 - 13:55

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

I picture myself getting my 4 children together to tell them why I never have any money even though they see me work and earn a decent wage.( I say children, they're in their mid to late 20's.)
What puts me off is knowing they'll probably tell their partners who will then pass it on to others. people i just wouldnt want to know. Unfortunately that's just the way of the world. They've told me about others who have lost a lot of money through gambling in the past.
I wouldn't want their dad, my ex husband to know.
I've already had one label attached to my name, there's no way I want another. That's why I talk myself out of telling them. I couldn't bear to think people are talking about me again. I know people might say I've got to face up to the facts but In the long run i can't do it x

Posted on:
Fri, 26/08/2016 - 21:59

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Doing my own head in this afternoon and evening.
Feeling sorry for myself, dragging myself down.
Brought myself up to bed. The usual bedtime routine reminds me of when I used to play the slots. Jump into bed, heart starting to race cos I knew I'd be playing the slots as soon as I got into bed. Head thinking - maybe this time I'll win, I wonder if I'll get the bonus??!
Of course most of the time I'd never win. Of course most of the time when I did win I'd keep playing thinking tonight could be my night. I might get another bonus!! Idiot - cos you never did or on the rare occasion you did but you'd already put the first bonus winnings back in so it never added up to much.
I need to get a new life!
Just got to keep totting the days up.

Posted on:
Fri, 26/08/2016 - 22:50

ODAAT

Joined:
2014-11-10

Let them talk...The people that matter won't judge you!  Took me a very long time to even admit my name on here for fear of being recognised, now, not so much...I did what I did, can't undo it!  Keep working on the bad feelings you have towards yourself, the ones you were trying to run from whilst in action...Gambling didn't make them go away, hard work can.

I don't know how much of my crazy you got through but Hopeful Soul & I have a saying 'tipu tapu'...You don't need to charge forwards, baby steps will do!  My bedroom isn't where I did my damage, it's my safe place especially now I have a magic Salt Lamp in it.  Have you thought about moving your room about, change the environment with the bad memories so you can create new peaceful ones where you read & rest & smile - ODAAT 

Posted on:
Sun, 28/08/2016 - 04:16

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Thanks ODAAT, really means a lot to me you taking time out and passing on your advice.
I put my details in step change again to see what they'd advise.
I read so many people have benefitted from it that I thought I must have done something wrong last time I did it.
Needless to say I had misunderstood it. Before I had missed out the bit where it said how much I'd have to pay back a month. I just looked at the bit that they said my creditors should get paid and thought, well I'm doing that anyway - Duh!!
I think I'll look into it further because what they advised looks so much more manageable than what I pay now.
Only problem is my pay is a bit complicated so I'll have to see how it'll work.
There's the credit ratings etc to be taken into account as well but let's face it I won't be able to afford any more credit anyway.
A few other things would have to be done which I wouldn't be keen on doing but I suppose I've got to bite the bullet, I've got myself into this mess I should get myself out of it. I've just got to keep thinking if i do it will be worth it. Anyway it's given me a bit of hope so that's good.
They recommended an IVA. My situation could also call for bankruptcy as well.
I'd still be working 6 days a week but at least it looks like I'd have a bit of money for myself at the end of it. What makes me worry now is if anything went wrong say my washer broke down etc I'd have to pay for it on my credit card. That means they'd never go down.
Anyway diary, I'm waffling again. I better try to sleep.
Wishing strength, determination, good health and happiness to all on the site.
Here's to another gf month.

Posted on:
Thu, 01/09/2016 - 04:34

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Feeling totally flat. I know I've to keep going . I know life can only improve by stopping gambling so then why do I feel so low?
I'm really busy at the moment, I've lots happening in my life but still I whine.. Stupid thing is I'm fed up of feeling fed up!
Nobody has to reply, I'm just hoping writing it down, gets it out of my system so I can pick myself up.
Day 35. Pathetically missing the buzz of bonus spins.
Got to big up the buzz of waking in a morning knowing gambling has not got me in its tight grip, I'm no longer sweating, panicking and screaming at myself.
Thank God for this site, who else would understand.

Posted on:
Thu, 01/09/2016 - 05:33

dizzymissy78

Joined:
2016-06-10

Heya guessing u can't sleep either 95 days gf and I'm still waking thinking about finances and the deviation and destruction my gambling has caused but it does feel better I think you go through a grieving process like uve lost a friend and you feel bad for missing it but it's become normal like brushing your teeth so it's bound to feel weird stick in there kiddo we are all here look at my diary and see my 2 3am rabblings I felt kind of lonely without it crazy to say not a good "friends to be now £16,000 in debt but do what u gotta to do to get thro it!dizzy stay strong x

Posted on:
Thu, 01/09/2016 - 20:46

dizzymissy78

Joined:
2016-06-10

Hey hun thanks for posting on my diary it's really kind 35 days is pretty amazing for u babe's.i connect with your feeling down I still feel down but I think it's the realisation of the stress I've caused myself if only I'd stopped even 6 months ago things would have been better.i remember getting ppi money I had such big plans I was going to pay off debts I had it 24hours and gambled most of it away.pennies from heaven,could of taken my kids away ,new car,anything but no I decided to throw it in the gutter but what is done is done what is gone is gone but it still leaves a bitter taste in our mouth.on a up note I am getting my puppy tomorrow something I would of never done a)I would of never had the money to buy it and take it to the vets b)I would have been too selfish to take care of it as it would of taken me away from gambling (just being honest )really looking forward to long country walks and cuddles on the sofa it's a distraction really away from what stresses me anyway can't wait !thanks again dizzy x

Posted on:
Sat, 03/09/2016 - 00:24

Loxxie

Joined:
2016-01-15

Hey little miss...thanks for popping into my diary and your kind words....I'm glad one of my posts helped you....that young lady will be you in a few months time if you just hang on in there.. ride the tide...do whatever works for you in this journey. Open and honest is the key to it all I think....one day at a time until the urges and turmoil of it all settle down a bit ...then like me you'll understand so much more about how you landed here a compulsive gambler.....we're not bad people honey. ...just normal people who got caught up in the destructive world of compulsive gambling....all of us for very different reasons. ....so onwards and upwards love....you can do it x

Pages